AlanP <alan.p@paradise.net.nz> writes:
"Soun, old friend, pull yourself together! Think of the Art!," Genma
said.
He had come to see his old buddy at the start of his training trip with
his son; the ink on the Seppuku Contract was still wet.
That sentence feels very possessive, with all the /his/es in it. Also,
I think it should be /seppuku/ contract (i.e., lowercase).
And what did he
find? Soun's wife fresh dead, Soun as much use as a glass hammer, and
his kids emotional as hell.
Fresh/ly/ dead, I think. (and if she's dead, is she really fresh? What about
'newly buried'?) And I don't think even Genma would think less of
daughters being upset that their mother is dead.
Soun's eyes dried slightly. "Yes, Saotome, we must train our heirs hard!
Make my wife proud of our daughters!"
His eyes returned to normal liquidity. "My poor wife... WAAAAAAH!"
Genma pinched the bridge of his nose. "Would your wife want you to be
weeping over her, or trying to get over her death?"
Soun thought of his wife... he had thought her a weak female when first
he met her, but the beauty had quickly disavowed that knowledge,
reinforcing the message with her katana.
'when /he first/ met her'; it sounds awkward as is. And it seems that
it's more than her simply disavowing that /opinion/; it's that she
brought him to disavow it.
Her and Nodoka had been similar, like that.
/She/ and Nodoka... you could address Troy's complaint that Soun and
Nodoka had never met by either altering the bet (having the families
live next door to one another), or having Nodoka accompany Genma on
this first leg of their trip
"Akane! Nabiki! Kasumi!"
The three little girl emerged. Their eyes were red from tears.
Emerged from where?
Genma, satisfied that Soun's heir would now be supporting him as well in
his old age, left at that point. After pointing out the girls, and
putting the idea into Ranma's head that living with one of them would be
something his mother would like, of course. It never hurt to have a
backup plan or twelve.
So this Genma is planting the seeds already? If Genma periodically
reminds Ranma of this, it might explain why Ranma is better prepared
to choose a fiancee.
Akane left on a training trip with Soun, learning the Tendo School of
the Anything Goes Martial Arts.
Nabiki, Soun sent to his dear wife's relatives in the mountains, to
learn under Grampa Hokage.
Kasumi, well, Soun realised that Kasumi was a gentle soul. So he left
Kasumi with Saotome Nodoka.
Why on Earth would Soun split up his daughters like this? If Akane
and Nabiki are both fighters, then why not take them together? If
his wife has living relatives, why not send Kasumi to them also rather
than dump her on his friend's wife?
Soun knew that his good friend Genma was better in the Art than him, so
he trailed behind him on his training trip with Akane, taking time off
each year to visit his two other daughters.
So he has a good chance of meeting up with the Kuonjis and learning of
the engagement there, perhaps? Or perhaps not.
The room of moving blades was very good for Akane, as was the swamp with
wolves... he was so lucky to have a good friend like Saotome!
His darling Akane, though, didn't seem to realise this. Oh, the
sacrifices one must make for the sake of the Art!
Does Ranma realize this? (Just a random aside...) But if Akane is
getting a Ranma-like training trip, she'll probably be more like Ranma
in terms of social adjustment.
Soun had thought about releasing the Master to train his Akane, but
stopped when he realised the danger this would pose to the world's
panties.
Does he care? I think he'd care more about the danger it would pose to
/him/...
* * *
Nabiki... well, she learnt what she knew in Canon, except more so.
What, more about rigging bets and photography/pornography? :-)
Her Grampa knew *so much*!
She was resolved to be a master of the Hokage Ninjitsu, and make her
father and mother proud of her! She would even beat her sisters!
Why plural sisters? Kasumi's not a fighter, right...
All of which did not affect Ranma in the slightest, until his sixteenth
birthday.
He was being dragged to the Tendo Dojo by his father. This was somewhat
mitigated by the fact that he was a girl, and so no one would recognise
him. A necessary evil, to preserve his dignity. Even if he was a weird
looking girl. And his father was a fat, ugly panda.
"Oooh! This must be my old friend now! Saotome!," he heard.
Did they knock at the door? Or does Soun often consider pandas
friends?
Genma tromped into the old house, carrying his recalcitrant offspring
like a sack of potatoes. Ranma struggled to get down, eventually popping
him a good one in the eye.
"Ha! Stupid old fart!," she crowed. Ranma turned around to see...
A dog, a c-c-c-one of those things, and two pretty girls.
"Hi, I'm Saotome Ranma. I'm... sorry about this," the darkskinned girl
with white hair apologised.
Nabiki looked at the newcomer hard. He looked cute, but... her trained
eye looked harder. It was hard to hide tits like those, even behind a
thick silk shirt.
She copped a quick feel, just to be sure, then turned to the dog.
"Dad, Ranma's a girl! And a weird looking girl at that!," she scolded.
The dog whined, until Kasumi poured hot water on the canine.
Soun's a dog? So how did he call out to his old friend?(What impact
does this have on the dog fist?)
Soun quickly dressed, ignoring the blushes of everyone present.
Ranma, scowling, retaliated. "It's a curse, dammit! A-and could someone
get r-rid of the c-c-c-feline?"
Kasumi obliged. The two non-Tendo men got a good show, until they
stopped at old man Tendo's glaring.
Akane, who had just been peeped at by two *MEN*, held up a tightly
clenched fist. "Listen up, hentai! I am *NOT* marrying you!"
Ranma shrugged. Soun looked at the anatomy that... moved, when she did
that, until old man Saotome glared at him.
"I don't care. The chick in black is hotter, and seems nicer to me."
Urk. Nicer than Kasumi? (Who has so far said nothing, and certainly
not groped him?)
Genma, who didn't really care *who* married Ranma as long as it was a
Tendo and thus someone he could live off, immediately chipped in with
his two cents.
Why are the Tendos the only ones that Genma can live off of? Where is
Ranma's role in Genma's future comfort.
Teary eyed, Soun replied, "Of course, my old friend!"
Genma nodded wisely. "Your girl Nabiki looks to need Ranma's support
more than Akane, so it would be most kind to all involved if Ranma
married Nabiki. A barehanded fighter, and a weapons user. It is meant to
be!"
looks like she needs Ranma's support... is this just Genma talking, or
is there some truth to this? (And a weapons user... you haven't
mentioned any visible weapons. So how does Genma know about this?)
Overcome at this thought of all his girls happy, Soun agreed whole
heartedly, then turned back to the children.
"Girls, Nabiki is engaged to be married to Ranma, according to an
ancient promise made by myself and Saotome Genma!"
Ancient? Isn't that laying it on a bit thick, there?
/Phew,/ Genma thought. /I don't feel like dragging the boy to marry that
violent tomboy, and if he was with the Kasumi girl, then Nodoka might
find us./
Why wouldn't Nodoka find them anyway? Apparently she knows the Tendos,
and is close enough to Soun to bring up his daughter. She'll get
invited to any wedding, no doubt...
Soun had caught up with them and trained with him and Ranma at some
points during the trip. The violence that the Tendo girl had displayed
convinced Genma that Ranma would not be marrying /that/ Tendo. It wasn't
good if the wife was almost as strong as the husband; people would laugh
at him.
He briefly shuddered at the thought of seppuku, then resolved to never
make a promise like that again. And to avoid Nodoka, until he managed to
burn that contract or something.
Is burning the contract really going to satisfy an honor-bound woman?
Genma pulled out a pair of ratty old sneakers. Now, what were these
again... Oh yeah! Those magical shoes, to give him a good head start
once Tendo found out.
Why did he pull them out if he didn't know what they were?
"Hey! What gives?," Ranma demanded. How dare she deny him food! Even if
she was his fiance, and a nice piece of ass, how dare she take away his
rice and pickles?!
Uhm... is this Ranma really going to be stubborn about getting
married?
"Now, why would you do an aweful thing like that, Mr Panda?," Nabiki
smirked. She pulled out some more shuriken to replace the ones quivering
in the door not more than an inch from the Cursed One's hands.
Odd time to bring up that sort of euphemism. I'd expect something like
'from Genma's hand', or 'from the fat fool's hands', or ... I mean,
there are three others in the room with Jusenkyo curses.
Genma started sweating. This could be painful.
"It was for the good of the Anything Goes, to make sure that you two..."
Genma stopped, as his danger sense started going off the scale.
Good of the schools?
Saotome Ranma was facing one of his worst opponents yet. The fighter was
wily, and willing to use any advantage they had.
But the prize riding on this fight was enough to move Ranma to try his
best. (Besides the fact that the old man wouldn't let him live it down
if he lost, of course.)
"Nabiki! That wasn't honorable!"
Nabiki smirked at her new fiance as she pulled her black gi top back up.
"What? You can't take a little flesh? I bet you can't even take a
woman!"
Uhm, Ranma does become a woman, after all. Why would he be so
paralyzed? (I'm assuming that, given his speed, there's a reason he
wouldn't take advantage of her hands being entangled with her
clothing)
Ranma realised what she was doing; he did the same thing often, too.
Make the other guy mad as hell so he would make mistakes, then strike at
his weak points remorselessly.
Anything Goes, after all.
Is this really how Nabiki would be trained to fight as a kunoichi?
He dodged the small explosive balls thrown at him, then lunged at
Nabiki, bouncing off a wall and putting her into a restraining
hold.
For instance, why would he still be at projectile distance? (If
they're explosive, they're a danger to their thrower as much as their
target at close ranges). Is there more motion going on than this?
"Does this mean I don't get a goodnight kiss from you?," Ranma
asked.
Again, why wouldn't this Ranma be rushing into marriage?
I would echo a lot of what Troy said; I think the idea of a kunoichi
Nabiki ending up with Ranma is amusing, but the story feels a little
rushed as is.