This was another pretty good chapter.
 
It did move quickly, but that fits the Nerima environment.
 
The two mistake you made frequently were capitalizing words in the
middle of a sentence (e.g., "The cat Ate something.") and using "it's"
when it should be "its".  You use "it's" when you want to have a
contraction of "it is", e.g., "it's high time I ate some cake," whereas
"its" is used in the possessive, e.g., "The cat and its cake."
 
I've made sure to point out every mistake I've seen.
 
 
 

"I Bet you'd like something to eat, huh?" She asked it, walking over

to

the

 
I Bet -> I bet
 

Ukyo just grinned, and turned to look at the
time. Nine thirty.

 
Ah, the time.  Very nice touch.
 

"Ran-chan is probably about that hungry, as well.. especially if Akane
cooked
this evening. Want to go visit him?" She asked, picking the little
creature
up. It burped softly, and she chuckled before turning to the grill and
cooking a couple okonomiyaki for Ranma. When she was done, she

strapped on

her battle-spatula, and walked out the door, locking it behind her.

 
Hey, what about the Mogwai? Did he come with her? Here's how it reads:
Ukyo picks up Mogwai.
Ukyo grills some okonomiyaki.
Ukyo straps on spatula.
Ukyo locks door.
 
Did she grill _while_ holding the Mogwai? Yes, it's a nitpick, but
that's just how I am. ^_^
 

"That's Cute, Akane, but what is it?"

 
Cute -> cute
 

"It's a Mogwai.. I don't know what they are, but you have to help him!

 
Mogwai.. -> Mogwai...
 

"Umm.. well, Ranma, the idiot, threw hot water on him. He started to

 
Umm.. -> Umm...
 

squeal and squirm, so I thought it best that I bring him here for you

to 

take a look at him."

 
This is a little redundant.  I'd suggest "bring him here for you to
examine."
 

"I.. Umm... I guess that might have been it. But he didn't have to be

so

Cruel about it!" She replied, trying to reassure herself that her

fiancee

was sadistic towards all her pets.

 
Cruel -> cruel
 
Interesting thing to reassure herself...
 

Dr. Tofu nodded, thinking about the Creature- 'Mogwai' Akane had

called

it,

 
Are you sure you want to capitalize "Creature"?
 

Figuring
it couldn't hurt any, he reached out for it's aura, hoping to see if

that

could tell him anything. What he saw surprised him. It's aura was

seething

violently.

 
it's aura -> its aura
 
You made this mistake twice in this passage.
 
 

Dr. Tofu thought on that, and decided to try something out. He went

over

to
the sink, and filled a glass with hot water. Seeing this, Akane

crabbed

M-chan and hid him behind her body.

 
crabbed -> grabbed
 

"What are you doing?" she cried, incredulously. Dr. Tofu Started for a
moment, before setting the glass of water down on the examination

table.
 
cried, incredulously -> cried incredulously
Dr. Tofu Started -> Dr. Tofu started
 
 

"I wanted to see how the hot water affected it's aura. I wasn't going

to

splash him, Akane." He said, soothingly.

 
it's -> its
Akane." He said, soothingly. -> Akane," he said soothingly. [This is
better grammatical structure.]
 

"Oh." She said, setting M-chan back onto the operating table. Dr. Tofu
slid
the glass of water towards the Mogwai, and watched it's aura in

amazement.
 
"Oh." She said, -> "Oh," she said,
it's -> its
 

For the most part, the creatures aura acted as any other would when
approached by a solid, inanimate object. It stayed still. But tiny

threads

of it's aura, hundreds, it looked like, seemed to reach out for the

glass,

only to collapse back into the Mogwai's main aura before reaching out
again. Dr. Tofu stared, then turned to Akane.

 
creatures -> creature's
it's -> its
hundreds, it looked like, -> hundreds it looked like,
then turned -> and then turned
 
Also, I'd recommend something more descriptive, e.g. "Dr. Tofu stared at
the odd behavior of the aura, and then" etc.
 

"Akane! What were you thinking, dropping your new... pet..." He

trailed

off,
seeing M-chan sitting at the table staring uncomfortably at the glass

of

water.

"Another one?" he asked, softly.

 
Uh oh...
 
 

Did Ranma give you M-chan to bring back here?" She asked, spotting the
Mogwai on Ukyo's shoulder.

 
back here?" She asked, -> back here?" she asked,
 
 

"Not that I know of. Though, I didn't really bother to look." Ukyo
responded,

 
Though, I -> Although I
 

Shampoo walked into the Nekohanten, cute-creature hugged firmly to her
(also
firm) chest. It growled softly, and wiggled in her hold, but Shampoo

just

giggled softly at it's silly antics.

 
it's -> its
 
Also, unless you want the creatures to be called "cute-creatures", I
suggest you replace that with: "the cute creature firmly hugging her"
 

"Shampoo! You're home! Now we can get married and-" Mousse was

silenced as

he
ran straight into a support post and knocked himself out. The Mogwai,
watching, stared at the now-unconcious boy.

 
now-unconcious -> now unconscious
 

"That bastard Saotome's behind this, I know it. Nobody puts a post in

the

middle of a restaurant!" He cried. Then he turned to the Mogwai on the
counter, and nodded. "I'll be back later, Old ghoul. I've got to go

punish

Saotome for humiliating me and trying to steal away my Shampoo!"

 
restaurant!" He cried. -> restaurant!" he cried.
 
 

Stripe sweatdropped as Mousse disappeared into the night.

 
Ah, I see.  Because he has a stripe...
 

"Yes, twisted sister-o-mine, tis I, the Blue Th-"

 
sister-o-mine -> sister of mine
 
I don't think Kuno would say "sister-o-mine".
 

"..." Kuno looked down at the Mogwai who was apparently trying to tear
it's
rather large ears off. Then he looked at the doorway right as Kodachi
walked in. Spying the creature in his arms immediately, she frowned.

 
it's -> its
 
Well, at least the Mogwai has floppy enough ears to eliminate sound ^_^.
 

"That's it? Mr. Turtle needs a meal, not an appetizer!" She rolled her
eyes
at her brothers stupidity, and snatched the creature from his hands

with

her ribbon.

 
her brothers stupidity, -> her brother's stupidity,
 

"Why don't you feed your poisons to your pet, instead, you pompous

cheat!"
 
to your pet, instead -> to your pet instead
 

Chibi-Thunder was wailing as he was swung around the garden madly,
attached to a Kodachi's ribbon.

 
attached to a Kodachi's ribbon. -> attached to Kodachi's ribbon.
 

"Don't you hear how my pet doth pine for the care of it's rightful

owner?
 
it's -> its
 

Chibi-Thunder, I will save you!" Kuno cried, only to be hit in the

face

with
a Gymnastics pin in the face.

 
Gymnastics -> gymnastics
 

"Save this." Kodachi said, flinging the Mogwai into the pond.

"Save this." Kodachi said -> "Save this," Kodachi said

 
I'd add some facial expressions in here, like "Kodachi said with a
sneer/maniacal laugh/etc"
 

Ryouga was lost, again. His traveling companion was sleeping in his
backpack,
so Ryouga didn't want to wake him by cursing Ranma aloud. Ryouga

shrugged,

and started walking again, not noticing the shimmer of his

surroundings as

he
walked from one Tokyo to another.

 
Wait, from one Tokyo to another? How many Tokyos are there? If this is
talking a parallel universe, there wasn't much introduction of that.
 
If you meant something else, you should probably change the wording
here.
 
 

carefully in their arms. After leaving Dr. Tofu's office (A Mogwai of

his

own
coming from Ranma's) they'd hurried home, to tell their family the

news.
 
home, to tell their -> home to tell their
 

Apparently, as well as not liking bright light, a Mogwai would, when
watered,
produce more, though how that depended on the amount of water was yet

to

be seen.

 
produce more, -> produce more Mogwai,
 

"... Nabiki got all the brains in the family, didn't she?" Ranma

asked,

staring at Akane.

 
Gee, that's really mean.  Even for Ranma.  And a little OOC, I think.
Why would he say this out of the blue? It's not as if N-chan is _that_
stupid a name.
 

"..." She gently set M-chan down on a nearby Trashcan lid, patting him

on
 
Trashcan -> trashcan
 

"RANMA YOU ASS!" She screamed, punting him over the fence, and into

the

Canal

 
Canal -> canal
 
Well, it's the least he deserves for that totally mean remark.
 

with a swift kick. A moment later, Onna-Ranma popped up, her face not
having
changed (expression-wise) from the one she'd been staring at Akane

blankly

with before being kicked.

 
Now that's OOC for Ranma.  Ranma would never be just okay with being in
the water, he'd (or she'd, in this case) sputter and insult, etc.
 
 

Authors Notes: And another one done and gone! Boy, I'm going to regret
writing this at work, tomorrow. I'll see what I can do about getting

the

next
one out.. there are really fun to write, because I can change from

serious

to
silly and back again, thanks to the nature of both storylines. Now if

only

I
could get Tannim back so we could work on Selves Inserted while I'm
feeling
so.. productive...l

 
Well, I agree that the storylines of each do work well together in a
silly way, but I haven't really seen anything serious in this chapter at
all.
 
Not that that's a bad thing.
 
All in all, this is progressing quite well.
 
And did I mention I really liked the title?
 
-Jeremy Fogelman
 
"That's not a skirt, that's my hair!"
      -Akane Tendo in "Too much Tendo"



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'