"You want us to WHAT?!?"

And with those words out of my youngest sister's mouth we 
all stared at Father, who had by now begun to sweat under our 
collective gaze.

This sentence seems a tad akward.  If you ever have doubt about something like that, try saying it out loud.  That said, perhaps you could rephrase the sentence into something more like "After my youngest sister said that we all stared at Father, who had by now begun to sweat under out collective gaze."

After a long moment of silence Nabiki finally asked, "What 
were you thinking Father?"

"What were you thinking, Father?"  >> Also, please describe Nabiki's tone of voice?  Cool?  Angry?  Frustrated?  Amused?

Putting on a pained expression Father looked at us all and 
said, "A long time ago, just after Kasumi was born, Saotome Genma 
and I made an agreement to unite our two schools of martial arts 
by marriage. And now, Saotome Nodoka was hoping to uphold the 
honor of her... um... remaining family and keep the agreement."

Putting on a pained expression, Father looked at us all and 

began to explain.  Also, if someone is speaking from the end of one paragraph to the beginning of the next, do not use end quotation marks at the end of the first paragraph's last sentence.  Should be: "... keep the agreement. (space between paragraphs here) "Now, I know ..." etc.

"Now, I know you are all a bit young for such matters, and 
I'm not saying you HAVE to do this, I'm just asking you to... 
think about it for a while. As... a future possibility."

With that Akane jumped to her feet and yelled, "No way! 
Forget it! I'm NEVER going to marry that... that... jerk! 
That... psychopath!" The sound of her stomping off to her room 
was more felt then heard, and the slam of her door was eventually 
followed by a sigh from Father.

...was felt more than heard, and the slam of her door was soon followed...

Nabiki and I just sat there, looking at each other, her with 
a frown on her face as I could almost watch the quick thinking 
machine that her mind was wrap itself around this new wrinkle in 
our lives.

Nabiki and I just sat there, looking at each other.  She had 

a frown on her face, and I could almost see the quick thinking 
machine that was her mind wrap itself around this new wrinkle in 
our lives.

Getting up myself, I followed the path that Akane had taken 
and walked upstairs to my room, gently closing the door behind 
me.

Remove "myself", or rephrase to something like "I got up and followed the path"

And what shocked me most about this whole thing was simply 
the fact that I wasn't surprised. Somehow I knew things were 
leading up to something like this. And as I sat on my bed and 
thought about it, all those little conversations with Nodoka, all 
the simple and innocent questions, suddenly made sense.

Try to avoid beginning you sentences with "And".  I usually don't mind making exeptions for when people are speaking because it is how people really speak now, and in this fiction Kasumi is narrating.  But even still Kasumi speaks very properly and I would think she of all people who at least avoid doing it a lot.

She had been planning this all along, from the very 
beginning.

But why?

And, of course, the answer was plainly obvious.

Again try to avoid beginning sentences with "and", or "but", or "for" etc.

For Ranma.

She'd done it for Ranma.

Everything that woman did, was for Ranma. She must be 
worried that he might never marry, and was using this agreement 
between her husband and our father to ensure her family's 
bloodline.

That's so silly though. Ranma should have an easy time 
getting married. He's nice, honest, a little simple, but a good 
person overall. You just need to watch out for... hmmm.

And so armed with the whole picture, at least as I saw it, I 
sat down to think. Eventually, I reached out and pulled down a 
book from the shelf next to my bed. One of only four that lay 
there.

My diaries.

Mother, before she passed away, had taught me to keep a 
diary. She said that going back and reading your past might help 
you make important decisions now, because it brought forward 
things that you had forgotten about as time went by. She also 
told me to start a new diary for each major change in my life, to 
keep such things separate and in perspective.

Four diaries. One started when I was six years old, my 
first, given to me as a present from my mother, Kami bless her 
memory. The second one I bought a month after she died, because 
I had nobody else to talk to while our whole family mourned. The 
third on my first day of Junior High two year ago, announcing the 
first steps toward my fast approaching adulthood. And I still 
write into them, all of them. Usually not more then once or 
twice a month, but I still do.

She begins a new diary for each new facet of her life, but continues to write in all the old ones?  Doesn't this confuse the point of starting a new one?

The fourth diary... the fourth was a whim. At the time, I 
still wasn't even sure why I did it. Started the day Saotome 
Nodoka and her son showed up on our doorstep just three months 
ago. Three short months that I already knew had changed my 
perspective on things, in ways I hadn't even thought about, till 
now.

And so I laid back on my bed...

And opened this piece of my life...

And began to read....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Diary of a Mature Child
Prelude


A long time ago I said I would never write a continuation of 
"A Child's Prayer," thus proving that I am as infallible as the 
rest of the world. Where I'm going with this even I am not sure, 
but I think the journey will be interesting...

This story was not written for profit and all characters of 
note are owned by Rumiko Takahashi. Also, any C&C will be gladly 
accepted. And once again, thank you CyMage for the proof-reading.

--- Tabyk (tabyk@tabyk.net) (www.tabyk.net)

.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'




---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Mail Plus - Powerful. Affordable. Sign up now


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'