--- Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:

  It's been a peculiarly tangible day, Nabiki remarked silently
to nobody in particular as she sat on the smoothly wooden porch
of her house, gazing out at the pond in which untold aquatic
adventures, unheeded by its human landlord, progressed silently
day in and day out.  It seemed, at first glance, to be a somewhat

	Is that sentence intentionally so long?

  Pretty much. This was back when I was still unsure where this first
5KB part was gonna end up.

standard Thursday afternoon, with the cloud layer reminding one
less of a celestial quilt of lumpiness and more of a threadbare
white flannel sheet, slightly tossed aside on the west edge. It
made Nabiki feel tired, yet oddly alert. One of the carp began

	I would switch 'alert' with 'aware', as otherwise they sound 
contradictory (or is that intentional, too?)

  That's what makes it odd. :)

  After having informed the kitchen at large, even with nobody present,
Nabiki soon decided that she had been addressing the refridgerator,

	refridgerator -- refrigerator

  Oh yeah, that's right...no d for refrigerator, d in fridge.
 

seeing as that was the most logical thing to do. She slowly edged towards
it, keeping one eye on the breakfast sitting on the table, minding its
own business quite well, and the other on the window, as she half-
expected Genma to have shifted his form once again and stuck his head
through the window, as if to nibble on some breakfast laying nearby.
She finally got to the fridge, and with one hand calmly trembling,
carefully opened the door and looked inside.

	For all of its role here, we really don't know what this breakfast IS.

  Borscht.

  Nabiki, deciding that Thursday wasn't a good day for this, calmly
passed out with a fever.

	Hmm. Well, I'm going to C&C as I can, but as this is the product of the 
mind of Rylan Hilman, most of my comments will probably be technical.

  I can dig it. :)

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a 
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.

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