--- Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:
Nabiki slowly got to her knees and carefully looked at Genma. His
face seemed...somehow different. Faint tinges of evil lurked in his
fur, but it didn't smell like his evil. She felt she would have known
if it was. Which could only mean one thing: something else had bought
Genma. She thought back over the last full day she had spent awake,
and slowly recognized this evil as something that had crept in and
hung around in reality's backstage while nobody seemed to have paid
it much attention.
'bought Genma'?
The man's got his price. :)
"IF YOU WANT to help us, hear the words. Check your room. One."
Magical talking fish? Is this a Puni Puni Poemi reference?
Is it? I wasn't quite sure....
"I'm not sure why, but I think this is the key." she wondered out
loud. "Wait...the key to what?" Not sure how to proceed with this
newfound knowledge, she looked expectantly towards the tree. It did
not disappoint her.
key." she -- key," she (though I'd think her dialogue would be more
deserving of a 'mused' than 'wondered')
Ah, good point.
With the sound of a hundred rams-horn trumpets blaring forth from
behind her closet door, and one linen-muffled quack, the tree shook to
the music, then slowly reached over until every branch, flower, fruit,
and leaf was pointed towards her window. She jogged over to it and
looked out, slightly surprised that her room was now at ground level
instead of being on the second floor, as she was quite sure it was
before.
A quack? Well, there's the Stormwarden, at least. Is it 'rams-horn' or
'ram-horn'? This one strikes me as being potentially any of those three,
though it'd most likely be the first or last.... But since the
possessive apostrophe is not present to indicate that the horn belongs
to a single ram, and we can guess that it generally wouldn't take the
horns of multiple rams....
... what does the council say about this?
Actually, it seems the proper usage is "ram's horn trumpets", a.k.a.
shofars.
Shampoo looked Nabiki in the eyes, her expression one of enthusiastic,
if slightly blank, joy and excitement, and declared, "It's Airen! He THE
REAL THING! Shampoo travel for weeks! Two!"
I would put the offest comment 'if slightly blank' within dashes
instead of commas here.
That could work, too....
Forgot to mention the first time through, so ignore any of my C&C if it
doesn't help you.
Hey, I like it. :)
He noisily stomped across the city, flattening entire houses with each
step, and bellowed a masculine screech of defiance. He wore a blindingly
fresh aura of evil that Nabiki could see from across Nerima, but it
wasn't his own. She had experienced his original one before, and this it
definitely wasn't. She quickly consulted her gemstone panel once more to
see if anything else had been unlocked with his screech, but it remained
only half-lit.
'this it definitely wasn't' -- 'this definitely wasn't it' (?)
Could be: "...and this, it definitely wasn't." Going for the kind of roundabout
way of expressing it, but if all else fails, your suggestion would probably be
the most expedient way of handling it.
"I hope I don't have to fight that..." she bemoaned as the giant
pervert turned and started to bound in her direction.
Not plaintive enough for a bemoaning, I think. Just a moan, or a slight
revision of the statement?
"I've gotta fight THAT...?"
Nabiki looked around in confusion to see where that last line had come
from, and saw a unfamiliar figure standing upon her house. He wore a
judo gi, and as soon as she recognized him, his heroic theme song
started.
If he's unfamiliar, how can she recognize him?
"What? Who's that? That's not Dad or Uncle Saotome or...oh yeah, NOW I
get it!" (...at this point she starts to sing along in the chorus of the
following paragraph.)
"DON'T GIVE UP! Your quest | Asobi no michi ni tamashii kometa
shall not be hindered by this | Hitori no otoko ga kyou mo yuku
monster! I shall personally see | Majime ni asobanu yatsura ni wa
to his glorious defeat, for | Karada de oboesaseru zo!
great justice! Three!" With |
that, he leapt at Happosai and | SEGATA SANSHIRO! SEGATA SANSHIRO!
kicked him in the head. | SEGA SATURN, SHIRO!
Having this new apparition to help focus her resolve, Nabiki hurriedly
entered the Neko Hanten. The restaurant, save for the wizened old form
of Cologne slowly rotating on a bar stool, was deserted, and many a bowl
of gomoku ramen lay uneaten as mute witness to the approaching disaster.
"Yo, little sister," Cologne greeted Nabiki, remaining on her stool
with eyes closed and hands folded, "Perhaps you should go and consult
YOUR FACULTY ADVISOR and learn about the matrix." She stopped spinning,
opened her brownish-green eyes calmly, and started to stand up.
Another reference I don't quite follow... will you be releasing an
annotated version at some point, even if only on your website? I, for
one, would appreciate it. ;)
Monkey Island. Or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I forget which
LucasArts game came out first...
Back at the Neko Hanten, Cologne finally looked straight at Nabiki,
then reached her hand up to her neck and pinched hard. A musical popping
sound emanated from her throat as she pulled up and over her head,
revealing her skin to be enclosing a giant zipper, and the withered
visage of the Chinese matriarch gave way to the noticeably smoother and
gentle face of Kasumi Tendo, age 19.
Well, Ranma did run off with Kasumi to the disco, but was later with
Shampoo....
<Kasumi> Uh-oh...Ranma?
<Ranma> Yeah, Kasumi?
<Kasumi> I just remembered, I've got to go turn into Cologne. Would you mind
babysitting Shampoo while I go knock Cologne out?
<Ranma> Sure!
* Ranma discos.
Kasumi smiled pleasantly. "Don't worry, you have all you need. We'll
see you on the other side." She gently picked up Nabiki's fully-glowing
gemstone panel, gave it back to her, then forcefully grabbed her by the
arm and flung her headfirst down the hole, cheerfully shouting out,
"FOUR!" right before the tunnel entrance sealed itself.
The golfer's cry is 'fore', but I'm guessing this is a reference to
Segata Sanshiro's earlier 'three', Shampoo's earlier 'two', and the
talking fish's 'one'.
Exactly. "FORE!" would have done nothing for the breastplate. :)
"Oww..." She got up gingerly, making sure that her panel, which was
apparently(judging from her sister's words) even more important than she
had thought, was undamaged. Upon closer inspection, and determining that
it indeed was, she finally noticed the fact that all twelve stones, in
four rows and three columns, were now glowing just as the first rows had
started to earlier. What that meant, exactly, remained just slightly
beyond her understanding, though she kept faith that she'd know when
the time was right.
This elipses (the one after 'Oww') terminates a sentence, and so could
contain four periods.
Ah, yes. This was written back before I'd figured that out....
Akane tilted her head the other way, then reached down into the fog
surrounding her feet to unstrap and step out of her boots, looking back
p at Nabiki to continue her soothing monotone, though in a slightly
higher tone of voice this time, "I'm your sister. I made our world for
us."
p -- up (?)
Gwah. How'd THAT get in there?
Nabiki held up decently enough under its onslaught, mainly owing to
the fact that it was, paranormal qualities aside, a common Mongolian
gerbil.
0 Paranormal shielding... unless it's a Monster, it's a 30 point
character. If it is a Monster, it's 150, and Nabiki might as well start
praying now.
...did I accidentally reference something I didn't intend to?
The vines holding Nabiki suspended quickly slacked off, and she
dropped to the floor. Unfortunately for her just-conceived plans to
interrogate the little gerbil, determine what exactly he had done, why
he had done it, how best to reverse the effects on reality, and whether
or not those really WERE real gemstones embedded in the panel that
she'd accidentally left facedown by the door to the classroom...she
happened to land directly on Pereshte, and he behaved quite like a
common Mongolian gerbil, one very much lacking in paranormal qualities.
*sqloosh*
HAH!
Brilliant.
<Austin> Poor lil' buggah...I salute you!
"Egnaro Eht Saw Okkay, Egnaro Eht T'nsaw Luap."
Is this a reference to... nevermind.
Of course it is. ;)
Animaniacs! :)
--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
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