Rylan Hilman wrote:
"FINAL ROUND! Go for broke!"
- announcer, Street Fighter Alpha 3
Indeed. Brian vs. the Backlog. FIGHT!
Ranma, becoming more than a little annoyed, watched the new kettle
to try to sense if it was the sort that could understand all this. She
had no way of knowing that, at that particular moment, it could
understand her perfectly. However, she also had no way of knowing that
it was just as confused as everybody else.
The Gerbil's influence grows.
Kasumi, having just awoken, had not heard of any of these events, so
she sat down at the dining room table merely assuming that the odd
coloration was, instead, some sort of prophetic sign.
*snicker*
Upon storming into the dining room, she suddenly noticed Soun, Kasumi,
and her father staring at her in wide-eyed confusion. Slowing down, she
nervously cleared her throat and waved at the Tendo family. "Uh...hi..."
This 'hi' terminates the sentence, so the elipses trailing it should
contain four periods instead of three.
Rawr!
Also, disregard any comments you don't like/find helpful.
"He's what??" Kasumi asked, though not nearly as intensely as Ranma
had. She was still a little disoriented from being Queen of the Galaxy
one minute and being tossed into an arranged marriage the next.
Extra punctuation!
Genma and Soun froze, giving each other a stunned "What do you MEAN
you didn't tell them?" look. The only sound to be heard in the Tendo
house for the several awkward seconds that followed was the splashing
of some adventurous carp out in the garden pond.
each other -- one another (?)
"WHAT?!?!" Soun's thunderous reaction knocked both Genma and Ranma
backwards in surprise. "SHE AND THAT KUNO BOY HAVE BEEN...?!?!"
Lots of extra punctuation.
"Quite skillfully, actually. I was surprised, myself."
Flashback to Maison Ikkoku... Mitaka.
Soun shifted back to a calm and thoughtful mood with quite astonishing
rapidity. Cupping his chin with his hand and thinking for a short while,
he mused, "Huh. Didn't see that one coming at all...." He looked back
up at Genma and grinned. "Oh well, that's all right, then. Saotome! I
have TWO daughters your son can choose from, and...."
"THE GERBIL!!!" Nabiki burst into the house, completely forgetting to
take off her shoes as she ran by the assembled families, carrying the
small orange cardboard prop tenderly in her hands. "He's on his way
HERE! Mr. Yotsuya ISN'T here!" She reached the refridgerator and tossed
the sphere in, sparing no time as she raced back through the dining room
on the way upstairs to her room. "We have to stop him! WHAT ON EARTH IS
HIS NEW PASSWORD?!"
Her father, not missing a beat, continued, "...Kasumi would make your
son an excellent wife! She's a wonderful cook, is always gentle and
kind, and is just as beautiful as her dear departed mother...." Soun
trailed off, beginning to quietly cry in a mixture of pride and sorrow.
This is a wonderful scene.
"Uh..." she gulped, thinking this through as quickly as she could,
"...after I, er, find some hot water and change back to a guy......I
guess...." Ranma paused, finally starting to catch up with this line
of thought. "I guess we could give it a try...." She smiled nervously.
Extra periods in one of them elipses.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S HAPPI!!!"
Hehehe....
The Yotsuya Rowboat, emboldened by the gravity of the situation,
powered up to an energy level it had never before reached in any of
its travels with Mr. Yotsuya and blasted off back in the direction of
Nerima, leaving behind a good quarter-kilometer stretch of vaporized
snow and ice in its wake.
The Yotsuya Roboat is one of the most awe-inspiring vessels known to man.
He looked up and gave her a rogueish grin. "Of course! Just get me
that tunnel..." He clapped his fist into the open palm of his other
hand. "...and that gerbil will learn what TRUE power looks like!"
tunnel..." He -- tunnel...." He
Or:
tunnel..." He -- tunnel," he
And
hand. "...and -- hand, "and
(I think)
Tossing caution to the wind, Soun stepped aside a short distance and
mirrored the other man's stance. With carefully measured steps, the
two of them moved inwards, performing the first motions of an ancient
and powerful maneuver, one which would provide the necessary strength
to defeat the old master and restore peace and justice to the land.
"FU......!!"
Ah. Okay, I missed this the first time through -- Fusion Dance?
Too many periods in that elipses. Also, possibly too many exclamation
points. :p
"BEHOLD...!!" He turned to the left, facing in the direction he
had booted Genma over the horizon. "THE PELVIC GYRATIONS...!!" He spun
on one heel in a 180-degree turn, looking off towards Soun's landing
spot. "OF MY VICTORY BOOGIE!!"
Happosai boogied.
3vi1.
True 3vi1.
"Nabiki? Yes, she went upstairs earlier." Kasumi responded cheerfully,
feeling much more confident now that Happosai was struggling to extract
himself from a lamp post and not bringing down the neighborhood with his
boogie instead.
earlier." Kasumi -- earlier," Kasumi
"Um, uh......who are you?" Ranma asked uncertainly, making Yotsuya
realize that he was quite a bit less unflappable than Kasumi at this
particular moment.
Elipses!
Yotsuya regarded his old colleague with feigned boredom. "Come now,
Happosai, those days are decades behind us both. Times change. Worlds
change. And at the moment, I'm afraid I'm going to have to object to
your involvement with the Tendo family." Silently, he gave mental
orders to his briefcase, which began to close up and slowly rise out
of its crater.
Colleague?
Happosai's face brightened. "Really? Well, isn't that nice? Mr.
Yotsuya has freed me from my obligations to lead the Anything-Goes
School of Martial Arts! Y'know, I think maybe I'll go into retirement,
living in a cave or something! Yeah, that's the ticket!" He laughed
bitterly. "Always the jokester, Yotsuya...would you like me to remind
you how badly I stomped you around LAST time? Now get out of my way or
you're gonna feel it in the morning..."
This elipses terminates a sentence.
He floated down to the ground, wielding the residual effects of her
Raywing as it faded. "And thank you, ma'am! Too bad you had to leave,
but even *I*, sometimes, gotta put business...," he grinned and looked
over at Yotsuya, hopping over a fence and arriving just moments too late
to stop his powerup, "...before pleasure."
business...," he -- business..." he
Happosai stopped, momentarily confused, but he was unceremoniously
interrupted by a wobbly rift forming in the air behind him, as well as
the techno remix of a certain heroic theme song blaring forth through
it.
With an ethereal female shout | Aoi oozora shiroi ukigumo
of, "HAJA KENSEI...OUKA HOUSHIN!!" | Makka ni tagiru asobi no chi
a bolt of energy burst through the |
rift, tearing it open. Happosai | Mattaku betsu na jikuu ni wa
dodged it, but he was nowhere near | Katana ni todokesaseru zo!
quick enough to dodge Segata |
Sanshiro, who ran through and | SEGATA SAKURA! SEGATA SAKURA!
grabbed him in a painful headlock. | SEGA SATURN, SHIRO!
Moving with almost poetic ease, Segata Sanshiro flipped in mid-air,
tossing Happosai into a neighboring house at such a great speed that
it appeared as if Happosai was one solid blurred streak, visible for
but an instant and then fading from view. The house, empty for the day,
promptly collapsed on him.
Hehehe....
Yep.
Yotsuya shook his head in disappointment at the particular way
Nabiki was choosing to handle this crisis; although, with her sane part
detached, it was not too terribly surprising. He walked over and knocked
on her shelter, which was little more than a large overturned cardboard
box with the words "Nabiki's House" scribbled on one side.
Battle Les-- er, Battle Athletes reference, of course. ;)
He sighed, slightly frustrated by Nabiki-II's absence; he really
wanted to be dealing with the sane one right at the moment. "Yes,
Nabiki, I am here, because if I WASN'T here, I wouldn't be able to
give you this." He handed her the Chocolate Orange, carefully using
both hands.
Which explains why she was given a carboard prop before.
"He's close...," he got up and walked around her bed to look out the
window, realizing that Pereshte was finally showing himself. His eyes
shot wide open in panic. "No, HE'S HERE!!"
close...," he -- close...." He
Segata Sanshiro, hoping to finish the fight soon, grabbed Happosai
by the scruff of the neck and flung him straight upwards. Immediately
after the launch, Yotsuya skidded to a stop right by his brother.
This is the man who can kick home runs, after all.
"Sanshiro! Pereshte is HERE! We've got to...!!" Yotsuya shouted, but
it was already too late. With a remarkable leap for such a small rodent,
Pereshte shot out of his hiding spot in the neighbor's front yard, flew
straight at the airborne Happosai, and skewered him with his bamboo
drinking straw.
Extra exclamation points there?
Oddly enough, in a bizarre coincidence, remarkable fascimiles of
this weapon were produced on several versions of Earth, produced
for food rather than programmed for destruction. A certain prominent
interdimensional researcher, when asked about this coincidence, gave
this comment: "They're just weird that way."
Repetition of 'produced'. I'd change the second one to 'designed'.
"Well, that part went smoothly...." Yotsuya mused, knowing Nabiki
wasn't necessary for the next phase of the strategy. "Ranma, get a
towel on. We need to you help Kasumi get us all off this planet."
smoothly...." Yotsuya -- smoothly..." Yotsuya
"COME FOOOORTH, SQUARE GUITAAAAR!!!"
Don't follow this reference, though I want to say FLCL.
Sanshiro held up an almost see-through hand. "No. You tell those two
what they need to do." he gestured at Ranma and Kasumi, then stood up,
glancing out the window with an ever-increasing righteous fury. "The
gerbil is mine." With that, Segata Sanshiro leapt out the hole in the
ceiling and ran across the roof, powering up despite his handicap and
preparing for one final last-ditch attack.
do." he -- do," he
Pereshte boldly stood atop the Square Guitar, relaxing slightly with
the knowledge that, even if those meddlesome brothers had managed to
cause the galaxy's self-destruction, that his interdictor would force
them to share in its fate. He, personally, had designed more than enough
safeguards that even the Chocolate Orange could not destroy him, but
merely rearrange his surroundings.
I would remove the second instance of 'that' from the first sentence.
"IT'S OVER!! ROUKO MEKKYAKU...!!!"
This one, I also didn't catch. ^_^;;
"Okay......and why are we doing this?" Ranma asked tiredly, not
realizing that they were down to sixty-two seconds before it was too
late.
Elipses!
Fading rapidly, yet wielding more raw power than he had ever amassed
in one attack, Segata Sanshiro gave one final push and unleashed his
ultimate attack.
"SHIN-TEN....DOOOOOOOUCHI!!!"
This elipses should either contain only three periods, or be trailed
with a space.
The Square Guitar, having become irreparably damaged, lost its ability
to levitate and fell the whole four feet to the street below, crumbling
into bits. Pereshte landed amidst the wreck, mostly unharmed. His recent
absorption of Happosai meant that the damage he took was merely limited
to singed fur.
Heheh....
Whoops.
"Well, THAT was rather dull," the gerbil grumbled to himself, honestly
surprised that that mere human had been able to wreck his Guitar less
than two minutes after he had built it. So surprised he was, in fact,
that he didn't hear the enormous dimensional rift forming behind him
until what came out of it smashed into the back of his head.
*W*H*A*M*
Tsunami, First Tree of Jurai, the most powerful ship of her own and
many other universes, and Mr. Yotsuya's mother, burst through the rift
and sent Pereshte uncontrollably flying down the street. With the Square
Guitar destroyed, Ranma and Kasumi's signal had come in loud and clear,
and she arrived in Nerima with approximately twenty seconds to spare.
I'm suddenly reminded of Silent Mobius.
"No...no! NO!!" He sprung to his feet, and utilizing all the power he
had absorbed from Happosai and, through him, Naga, formed a brilliantly
intense ball of energy between his paws and flung it, in beam form,
directly at the bow of Tsunami.
sprung or sprang? I got this one wrong on tests, too. :p
Yotsuya smiled at Pereshte. "Like mother...," He opened the briefcase
and walked into it. "...like son." The briefcase flashed brightly for
a moment, and was gone.
mother...," He -- mother...." He
"Kasumi Tendo!" a vaguely familiar voice spoke up behind them. They
turned to see a woman with long blue hair and brilliantly regal robes,
which Kasumi instantly recognized from her earlier dream. "It is good
to see you here, but I'm afraid we don't have time for pleasantries."
Ah. Now we know what color her hair was. Would a mere ten-gallon cowboy
hat conceal all THAT hair?
"Tsunami...." Kasumi voiced quietly, not sure how exactly she knew
the older woman's name, but unmistakably certain nonetheless. She
straightened her dress and bowed humbly. "I'm ready. Let's do this."
Tsunami...." Kasumi -- Tsunami..." Kasumi
With that, the last remnants of the ship formerly known as Tsunami
shredded away into the void.
Would explain why Haruka's been so grumpy lately -- lots to clean up.
She shot him a predatory grin from across the room. "Fun and weird
INDEED...."
Wondered how that would tie in. Quite nicely, as it turned out....
"Well," he mused, a little more contentedly, "the consolation meal's
not too bad...."
It had to tie in somehow.
"Sanshiro!!" Sakura, still standing in her Ouka Houshin pose, dropped
her sword and ran over. She kneeled down and asked, "Sanshiro, are you
all right? Did it work?"
kneeled, knelt... I still don't remember. :p
Kasunami smiled. "I know how you think; I may have changed with
this fusion, but I'm still your mother, and it IS my job to know
these things, you know."
Drat. No one else remembered any of it?
Author's Notes:
Wow. It's done. Didn't see that one coming... :)
Chocolate Oranges, the original shortfic, took about forty minutes
to write, from the initial concept to posting on the FFML. I wrote
part two, Peelings Reloaded, because I felt that people were getting
the wrong idea about what was going on.
A couple of months passed, and I was getting frustrated about what
to write, so I took the ending of CO2 and decided to write the third
installment, A Glass of 2% Time, just to write myself into a corner
so I'd finish up the series sometime later.
This fic, Chocolate Oranges Pi, took the next five months to work on,
and is being posted tonight so it would be online before 2002 ended.
If I had more time, I'd rework things a bit, but for the time being,
this feels like a fairly decent initial draft. :)
Congratulations on that, by the way.
Ah well, gotta head off to work, now. Happy New Year to one, pi, and
all!
And belated greetings to you, as well. ;)
All-in-all, the story was excelent. My only complaint is the possible
number of references that went over my head, otherwise it was great fun,
generally very well written, and... well, fun to read.
I look forward to seeing whatever you write next.