--- Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:
Rylan Hilman wrote:
Disclammer:
Well, I've never plucked a rooster, and I'm not too good at ping-pong,
and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall, and I've
never kissed a chipmunk, and I've never gotten head lice, and I've never
been to Boston in the fall!
Or any other time of year, hmm?
Nah. They scare me there. :)
Share and Enjoy!
Hitchiker's guide?
Well, it DOES fit....
Space is big. In fact, space is really, REALLY big. Its size is so
spectacularly huge that most cultures simply give up at even trying to
fathom how big their own little niches in it are. Moreover, when every
dimension in existence is considered, each with at least one vast
universe contained within, only a select few in some of the higher
dimensions attempt to fully comprehend the science behind this nearly
unimaginable continuum.
Check the spacing after punctuation. One space or two -- both are
technically valid. The two-space convention was developed in the days of
the printing press and moveable type (no, I don't remember back then),
so no longer needs to be adhered to, but isn't invalid, either.
Whichever you choose, however, you do need to be consistant. I would
suggest a global search for ' ' two spaces, and replace with ' ' one
space, just to make things simple, and consistant with prior chapters
(which is not quite as important as internal consistancy, but...).
It exists elsewhere within the fic, but I won't mention the spacing again.
Yup. I was in a bit of a rush when posting this, so I didn't have time
to do my usual careful once-over....
"What?! This is impossible! All the components are still running at
full capacity, but we're losing power! HOW?! We're on a dedicated
circuit!!" A high-pitched tone on the side of the room prompted her
to look over, just in time to see the door open and her Imperial
Representative walk in, looking solemnly depressed.
Hmm. Double-punctuation is technically a no-no, but I'll usually accept
'!?' without complaint -- it makes enough sense. I'm not so sure about
'!!', however.
I like interrobangs, though. And as for the repeated punctuation...well, I
know it's technically incorrect, but it's just so fun an' fuzzy at times.
This is a stylistic issue, seemingly, even though there are technical
rules for it (don't). However, I think you can leave it as it is, and
still have the story be perfectly readable.
Indeed, quite stylistic. I do draw the line at things such as fifteen
exclamation marks that turn into 1's at the end because the effort of
screaming causes the strength of the shift-key hand to give out at the
last moment. :)
"Hello, m'lady. I suppose...you have noticed by now what I came to
tell you." He clasped his hands in front of his grey congressional robe
and looked down. "Your budget allocation has been diverted onto a rider
bill by Senator Chaloria, and she is currently running a twelve-day
filibuster attempt to keep it from being passed."
Is 'm'lady' a proper title?
Contraction of "my lady"? Hm, dunno.
"She is speaking at length on the migratory habits of certain species
of birds, I believe. In any case, the payment deadline of the energy
allocation for your laboratory passed but a few moments ago, despite our
most principled attempts to extend it. I am truly sorry, madam." He
bowed in humble respect.
Same for 'madam'.
Aw, now I'm REALLY confused. :)
______________________________________________
/ Chocolate Oranges Pi: \
|==============================================|
\ The Self-Serve Deli at the End of the Galaxy /
[subtitle: This Is The Part Where It Starts Making Sense]
Oddly enough, it is, too. The story becomes more clear as it
progresses, somehow.
For me, too! I just toss things up by instinct, and trust that when it's
all said and done, it all fits together. For the most part, I think it
actually WORKED, too. Imagine MY surprise. o_O
On the outskirts of Nerima, not far from the Sea of Nerima, a girl and
her father slowly trudged into town. The girl, Ranma Saotome, was still
walking with a bit of a limp due to injury, and was fairly tired. Her
father, Genma Saotome, donning a white gi that was thoroughly, though
accidentally, stained a light shade of pink from top to bottom, was
flat-out exhausted.
'donning' -- you mean he just put it on? I would suggest 'wearing'
perhaps. ;)
Oops. Yeah, I was thinking of a good not-"wearing" word, but it was dark
and I picked up the wrong one. Hmm...yeah, "wearing" works. :)
"Well, my son, we're in luck!" Genma jumped back to his feet,
completely re-energized by roast chicken.
Sounds like C:SotN.
Discreetly increases energy.
A flock of mice watched silently from across the landscape.
The significance escapes me....
It's NIMH! Wait! No it's not. o_O
Hmm, ya got me. Maybe it's a reference to the similar scene in CO3.
His name was Idaten, and he was no mere mortal. As a Japanese
deity charged with defending justice, the law, and the kitchen, he
was uniquely situated to handle the newly arisen crisis that had
befallen Earth. Using his inhumanly fast running abilities, he had to
deliver what was possibly the planet's last hope into the hands of
the one mortal who could properly use it.
Kitchen? I was never able to find a reference to that when I studied
this -- where did that come from? Or did you add it yourself? (I note
the proclivity to protect monasteries is gone from his list of charges.)
I searched and searched and found a couple of vaguely different references...
"Idaten is a god of the kitchen looking after the provisions of the Brotherhood.
The original Sanskrit term for it seems to be Skanda and not Veda as may be
suggested from i-da or wei-t'o. He is one of the eight generals belonging to
Virudhaka, the guardian god of the Southern quarter. He is a great runner and
wherever there is a trouble he is instantly found there. In the Chinese monastery
he occupies an important seat in the hall of the four guardian gods, but in the
Japanese he is in the little shrine attached to the monks' dining-room."
- http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/mzb/mzb06.htm
"Ida-Ten
Buddhist god of the law and of monasteries. Seen as a handsome young man."
- http://www.geocities.com/fullmoonmagic_deities/japanese.html
I wasn't sure if these were two completely different deities, but if they are,
then I stood back and proclaimed, "WITH YOUR POWERS COMBINED, YOU ARE...about to
thoroughly *job* to Segata Sanshiro. Boo-yah!"
I also thought it was traditionally 'Ida-Ten', but you may have changed
that to drop the hyphen.
I don't think the original kanji had the hyphen in it, but that seems to be the
sort of difference between my finding both sets of attributes. But the "Idaten"
link up there DOES mention him being a runner, so I figured it went okay.
The pain started right around that point, as he ran smack into the
target of his search. The impact knocked him back several yards,
bowling him head over heels. As he began to scramble up to his feet,
he froze, finally realizing who exactly he had just run into.
"Se...Segata Sanshiro!!"
The judo master stood there unmoved, a scowl on his face and his
arms folded. With a single practiced motion, he raised both fists into
the air and charged at the diety.
This part made me crack up, and search out the Segata Sanshiro mp3.
I liked this too, mainly because I was able to figure out how to capture
the feeling of the commercials in prose. :)
Finally, the exertion became too much for him, and Idaten, the
Guardian of the Law, collapsed into unconsciousness. Segata Sanshiro,
as a way of thanking him for his courageous efforts, placed a new Sega
Saturn on the runner's stomach before walking away.
"Play it!"
YES! Just like on TV.
All that's missing is the [THIS
IS
COOL] sign down in the corner....
thoughtful meditation. "I was just speaking long-distance with my
brother, who lives in that dimension. He can use the Orange, but I
must get it to him quickly, or they are all most certainly doomed."
Actually, it seems to me that Yotsoya can't use the Orange. Though he
_can_ make sure that it gets used.
I doubt this needs to be revised, it's just an observation. :p
Hmm, yeah. I'm just not quite sure how.
Meanwhile, back in our previous timeline, the Port of Tokyo was having
a spectacularly bad day. Shipping traffic was down, the nation's economy
was in a general malaise, and workers were fleeing their stations due
to the nearly constant barrage of incoming cannon fire.
Is the stock market still up from its ~40% purchase of Nabiki Tendo?
Nah, that was in the future.
Nabiki winced and sipped some tea, hoping the rest of her food would
arrive shortly. She had come to this cafe in the hopes that a little
recreational spending on something unusually tasty would distract the
voice in her head from yelling at her. Still, even with the big plate
of ginger yakinuku, large slice of cherry pie, and cup of steaming hot
red tea on the table in front of her, her mind continued to yell loudly.
The rest of her food? What else did she order in addition to that?
Borscht.
your attention for the past two hours. Took you long enough...."
Nabiki-II grumbled.
While this technically does terminate a sentence, it also leads into
the prose. I think you can shorten this elipses to three periods. (Judges?)
Would ...," work? In either case, yeah, I do agree that it should probably
be modified.
"Wha..? Oh, yeah...right." Nabiki responded, somewhat startled. She
tried taking some deep breaths to calm her nerves, but this was all
beginning to get too weird too fast for her tastes.
The elipses after 'wha' should contain three periods.
Or maybe dashes.
"Wh..what are you doing here?!" she didn't ask, though she was indeed
very curious at his sudden appearance.
The elipses after 'wh' should contain three periods.
Okay.
"......Huh?" Nabiki finally croaked out.
This elipses is a bit long. ;)
It's double! Like in Capcom games! :)
<Akuma> ......
<Strider> ......
Nabiki's jaw dropped, a look of stunned incredulity on her face, and
she all but shouted, "I DID WHAT?!?!"
Potentially excessive punctuation?
"With ice or without?!"
"Oh, with, please."
"Lemon??!!"
"Yes, please, and do you have any of those little biscuits? You know, the
cheesey ones?"
"I'm asking the questions!!!!"
- that one book by Douglas Adams that this
chapter's named after in an obscure ref.
Stylistic? Maybe. Proper? Eh. Loud? Yup. :)
Nabiki realized, after a second or two of consideration, that he had
a point there. "I...guess so...." She buried her face in her hand,
trying to stave off yet another confusion-induced headache. "So then,
where exactly are...?"
She looked up. Yotsuya had vanished. The cafe remained eerily empty.
"...you?"
Beautiful scene. ^_^
It just came naturally. Go fig....
This presented a problem, as the gerbil had entrenched himself into
the fabric of local space-time quite thoroughly. After Nabiki's failed
attempt at squashing him, evicting him this time would be prove to be
nearly impossible.
Oh, the squashing was successful, methinks.
It just didn't stick.
It's a squashing that ended up not squashing him. In the past...oh, wait.
Now I'M confused.
%%%%
Is it me, or did the scene delineations just change? I'm guessing it's
because of the dream sequence.
Yeah. Stylistic, and all that. :)
Kasumi, her hair neatly tucked into a ten-gallon cowboy hat, smiled
warmly and resumed her former position before the microphones. "Thank
you all very much for your patience, and I'll be taking some questions
now." Several hands went up in the private press box nearby, and she
pointed at one by the edge. "Yes, Mr. Todain?"
I wonder what color it was....
Borscht.
Oh, wait, that doesn't fit here. Nevermind, then.... :)
--
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:
Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.
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