Rylan Hilman wrote:
Disclammer:
Well, I've never plucked a rooster, and I'm not too good at ping-pong,
and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall, and I've
never kissed a chipmunk, and I've never gotten head lice, and I've never
been to Boston in the fall!
Or any other time of year, hmm?
Oops. That's not it. ...AH, here we go. Take two!
Disclaimer:
This fanfic is strictly for non-profit use only. The characters and
situations of Ranma 1/2, as well as the fantastically versatile Mr.
Yotsuya, are owned by Rumiko Takahashi and those she licensed them to,
including, but not limited to, Shogakukan and Viz. Naga the Serpent is
a character from Slayers, originally created by Hajime Kanzaka. Segata
Sanshiro and associated characters are owned by Sega, developer of
excellent imported video games. Pereshte, however, is my own original
character. The Sony Playstation is not a webshooter. Disclammer inspired
by Larry the Cucumber. Terry's Chocolate Oranges themselves are produced
by Kraft Foods, and though the author agrees that they are tasty, this
story is not a paid advertisement for their product; it is a free and
unsolicited advertisement, selected solely by the discretion of the
author.
To say nothing of the Sega endorsements? ;)
Just kidding -- I know as well as you of the Legend of Segata Sanshiro.
The events and persons in this fanfic are completely fictional
and any resemblance to actual events or persons is completely
unintentional, and the author is not responsible for any injury,
trauma, or other detrimental condition resulting from proper or
improper use of this fan fiction. Do not apply internally, severe
tire damage.
Share and Enjoy!
Hitchiker's guide?
Space is big. In fact, space is really, REALLY big. Its size is so
spectacularly huge that most cultures simply give up at even trying to
fathom how big their own little niches in it are. Moreover, when every
dimension in existence is considered, each with at least one vast
universe contained within, only a select few in some of the higher
dimensions attempt to fully comprehend the science behind this nearly
unimaginable continuum.
Check the spacing after punctuation. One space or two -- both are
technically valid. The two-space convention was developed in the days of
the printing press and moveable type (no, I don't remember back then),
so no longer needs to be adhered to, but isn't invalid, either.
Whichever you choose, however, you do need to be consistant. I would
suggest a global search for ' ' two spaces, and replace with ' ' one
space, just to make things simple, and consistant with prior chapters
(which is not quite as important as internal consistancy, but...).
It exists elsewhere within the fic, but I won't mention the spacing again.
"Yes, I'm quite sure he'll be well-pleased with your research," her
companion agreed, "Just one question, though...where do we go from
here?"
agreed, "Just -- agreed. "Just
She spun around in a happy daze, her robe billowing out in a wide
circle as she danced. "Think about it! Actually living AS a native of
one of the lower dimensions, and in one of their own bodies! Not just
watching the story from afar, but EXPERIENCING it as an active
participant! Besides..." She stopped and gestured towards the bank
of omnilateral processors running along the far wall of the lab.
"Not only do we now have the ability to self-insert, but I'll also be
able to have advance knowledge of every major event in their lives
before it even happens! Have a sense of fun, will ya?"
Besides..." -- Besides...."
An elipses that terminates a sentence... yadda yadda yadda.
"What?! This is impossible! All the components are still running at
full capacity, but we're losing power! HOW?! We're on a dedicated
circuit!!" A high-pitched tone on the side of the room prompted her
to look over, just in time to see the door open and her Imperial
Representative walk in, looking solemnly depressed.
Hmm. Double-punctuation is technically a no-no, but I'll usually accept
'!?' without complaint -- it makes enough sense. I'm not so sure about
'!!', however.
This is a stylistic issue, seemingly, even though there are technical
rules for it (don't). However, I think you can leave it as it is, and
still have the story be perfectly readable.
"Hello, m'lady. I suppose...you have noticed by now what I came to
tell you." He clasped his hands in front of his grey congressional robe
and looked down. "Your budget allocation has been diverted onto a rider
bill by Senator Chaloria, and she is currently running a twelve-day
filibuster attempt to keep it from being passed."
Is 'm'lady' a proper title?
"She is speaking at length on the migratory habits of certain species
of birds, I believe. In any case, the payment deadline of the energy
allocation for your laboratory passed but a few moments ago, despite our
most principled attempts to extend it. I am truly sorry, madam." He
bowed in humble respect.
Same for 'madam'.
Sadly, this was not to be. Their attempt to break the filibuster
would fail, their budget would not be reinstated, and within the day,
both of them would be forced to start a long quest to find safely
non-bureaucratic sources of funding for their dimensional research.
In other tragic news, Emperor Vry'ci died earlier that afternoon while
choking on some fruit. These facts can be safely revealed without
ruining suspense, since they have absolutely nothing to do with Ranma,
Nabiki, nor anyone else in this saga.
Hehehe....
______________________________________________
/ Chocolate Oranges Pi: \
|==============================================|
\ The Self-Serve Deli at the End of the Galaxy /
[subtitle: This Is The Part Where It Starts Making Sense]
Oddly enough, it is, too. The story becomes more clear as it
progresses, somehow.
On the outskirts of Nerima, not far from the Sea of Nerima, a girl and
her father slowly trudged into town. The girl, Ranma Saotome, was still
walking with a bit of a limp due to injury, and was fairly tired. Her
father, Genma Saotome, donning a white gi that was thoroughly, though
accidentally, stained a light shade of pink from top to bottom, was
flat-out exhausted.
'donning' -- you mean he just put it on? I would suggest 'wearing'
perhaps. ;)
He cut her off, wobbling awkwardly and panting out, "There is no hotel
around here. It will be dark soon. There is no hotel around here." He
took a couple more unsteady steps, stopped, and smoothly collapsed to a
seated position. He took a roast chicken out of his backpack and handed
half to Ranma. "By the way, boy," he asked his (at-the-moment) daughter
in between bites, "why haven't you changed back yet? I've still got
this, you know." He patted the kettle of tea he had been carrying tied
to his pack.
in between -- between (?)
Ranma stopped eating and angrily pointed at her shirt exasperatedly.
"Hey, you got ANY idea how hard it is to wash that red tea stuff out of
these clothes?! If I'd seen any other hot water on the way, I'd have
jumped in in an instant, but all you had was that TEA!" She sighed
in frustration and continued eating her snack.
in in -- for it in (suggestion -- double 'in' is a little wonky)
"Well, my son, we're in luck!" Genma jumped back to his feet,
completely re-energized by roast chicken.
Sounds like C:SotN.
"Yeah, me too," Genma paused, looking thoughtful. "Ranma, do you
know how important being a man among men is?"
too," Genma -- too." Genma
A flock of mice watched silently from across the landscape.
The significance escapes me....
His name was Idaten, and he was no mere mortal. As a Japanese
deity charged with defending justice, the law, and the kitchen, he
was uniquely situated to handle the newly arisen crisis that had
befallen Earth. Using his inhumanly fast running abilities, he had to
deliver what was possibly the planet's last hope into the hands of
the one mortal who could properly use it.
Kitchen? I was never able to find a reference to that when I studied
this -- where did that come from? Or did you add it yourself? (I note
the proclivity to protect monasteries is gone from his list of charges.)
I also thought it was traditionally 'Ida-Ten', but you may have changed
that to drop the hyphen.
The pain started right around that point, as he ran smack into the
target of his search. The impact knocked him back several yards,
bowling him head over heels. As he began to scramble up to his feet,
he froze, finally realizing who exactly he had just run into.
"Se...Segata Sanshiro!!"
The judo master stood there unmoved, a scowl on his face and his
arms folded. With a single practiced motion, he raised both fists into
the air and charged at the diety.
This part made me crack up, and search out the Segata Sanshiro mp3.
Finally, the exertion became too much for him, and Idaten, the
Guardian of the Law, collapsed into unconsciousness. Segata Sanshiro,
as a way of thanking him for his courageous efforts, placed a new Sega
Saturn on the runner's stomach before walking away.
"Play it!"
YES! Just like on TV.
"She did, but he had already engineered the timeline so that he could
be revived, and Nabiki apparently triggered it." He walked over to the
fireplace and sat down crosslegged in front of it, closing his eyes in
thoughtful meditation. "I was just speaking long-distance with my
brother, who lives in that dimension. He can use the Orange, but I
must get it to him quickly, or they are all most certainly doomed."
Actually, it seems to me that Yotsoya can't use the Orange. Though he
_can_ make sure that it gets used.
I doubt this needs to be revised, it's just an observation. :p
Meanwhile, back in our previous timeline, the Port of Tokyo was having
a spectacularly bad day. Shipping traffic was down, the nation's economy
was in a general malaise, and workers were fleeing their stations due
to the nearly constant barrage of incoming cannon fire.
Is the stock market still up from its ~40% purchase of Nabiki Tendo?
The cannon fire died down, and Happosai pulled an especially large
herring from a nearby ammunition pile. Exerting all his martial arts
skill, he leapt from mast to mast while swinging the herring around in
circles above his head. With the speed he was twirling it, bits of
sparkling dust began to emit from the fish and float down to the deck,
which itself began to glow.
Happosai: Think ecchi thoughts, and you too can fly!
Nabiki winced and sipped some tea, hoping the rest of her food would
arrive shortly. She had come to this cafe in the hopes that a little
recreational spending on something unusually tasty would distract the
voice in her head from yelling at her. Still, even with the big plate
of ginger yakinuku, large slice of cherry pie, and cup of steaming hot
red tea on the table in front of her, her mind continued to yell loudly.
The rest of her food? What else did she order in addition to that?
The singing mercifully stopped and the mysterious voice resumed.
"Thank you. Time is short, so I'll make this brief. I'm you, or rather,
I'm the part of you who knows what's actually going on. To put it
simply, I'm the sane one. Normally, we're fused as one, but in this
world, we've been disconnected, and THAT's why I've been trying to get
your attention for the past two hours. Took you long enough...."
Nabiki-II grumbled.
While this technically does terminate a sentence, it also leads into
the prose. I think you can shorten this elipses to three periods. (Judges?)
"Wha..? Oh, yeah...right." Nabiki responded, somewhat startled. She
tried taking some deep breaths to calm her nerves, but this was all
beginning to get too weird too fast for her tastes.
The elipses after 'wha' should contain three periods.
"Wh..what are you doing here?!" she didn't ask, though she was indeed
very curious at his sudden appearance.
The elipses after 'wh' should contain three periods.
"......Huh?" Nabiki finally croaked out.
This elipses is a bit long. ;)
Nabiki's jaw dropped, a look of stunned incredulity on her face, and
she all but shouted, "I DID WHAT?!?!"
Potentially excessive punctuation?
"It's a c..."
I would change 'c...' to 'c-' to indicate interruption.
"Yes, yes it is." He quickly interrupted her, holding up a hand to
stop her from saying it out loud.
is." He -- is," he
Nabiki blinked. "But it's a c..."
Same as two comments prior.
He broke in again, more forcefully. "We both know what it is, MISS
Tendo, but for the time being, it shall have to suffice. It is a
dangerous opponent we face, and the wrong words spoken in haste may
quicken our destruction." The grave weight of his words clamped heavily
upon Nabiki, so she didn't try to say anything more about the device.
forcefully. "We -- forcefully, "We
Nabiki realized, after a second or two of consideration, that he had
a point there. "I...guess so...." She buried her face in her hand,
trying to stave off yet another confusion-induced headache. "So then,
where exactly are...?"
She looked up. Yotsuya had vanished. The cafe remained eerily empty.
"...you?"
Beautiful scene. ^_^
This presented a problem, as the gerbil had entrenched himself into
the fabric of local space-time quite thoroughly. After Nabiki's failed
attempt at squashing him, evicting him this time would be prove to be
nearly impossible.
Oh, the squashing was successful, methinks.
It just didn't stick.
%%%%
Is it me, or did the scene delineations just change? I'm guessing it's
because of the dream sequence.
"Thank you," she bowed slightly, humbly accepting the cheers coming
from the assembled crowds. "Thank you all very much." She smiled, one
of those comforting Queen Kasumi smiles that gave the average citizen a
sense that all was right with the galaxy.
you," she -- you." She
No speech indicator in that sentence to lead into.
Kasumi looked down at her notes, quickly doing some mental preparation
for one of her favorite parts of these public addresses: the question-
and-answer session with the press. She had such a pleasant rapport with
this current batch of reporters that...
Elipses!
that... -- that....
"Well, we do have something..."
Elipses again.
Kasumi, her hair neatly tucked into a ten-gallon cowboy hat, smiled
warmly and resumed her former position before the microphones. "Thank
you all very much for your patience, and I'll be taking some questions
now." Several hands went up in the private press box nearby, and she
pointed at one by the edge. "Yes, Mr. Todain?"
I wonder what color it was....
Kasumi, not by any stretch of the imagination defenseless herself,
tossed up a mental force field, which was immediately struck by the
energies that were surging forth from the Gravity Elemental.
Initially, it seemed as if she would subdue the creature, as her power
reserves were, for all practical purposes, limitless. However, a sudden
authoritative voice behind her caused a critical distraction, and with
a renewed charge, the elemental slammed into her, knocking her cleanly
from her hammock and to the floor, where she woke up instantly.
Hehehe! I love this part.
"Ah, okay...well, if you're SURE you're not hurt," he slowly turned to
leave, "then please come downstairs and meet them. I do hope the others
get back soon...."
Alrighty. Gonna need a break before C&Cing the second part.