Rylan Hilman wrote:
(last time, on Ranma 1/2...)
These comments brought to you by Dubstar.
The fridge was filled with Snapple and Jell-O.
Genma burst through the window, a carp silently biting onto his leg,
and galloped over to the fridge, where he began to eat and drink.
Nabiki, deciding that Thursday wasn't a good day for this, gratefully
passed out with a fever.
Chocolate Oranges II:
Peelings Reloaded
a Ranma 1/2 sequelfic
>
Nabiki slowly got to her knees and carefully looked at Genma. His
face seemed...somehow different. Faint tinges of evil lurked in his
fur, but it didn't smell like his evil. She felt she would have known
if it was. Which could only mean one thing: something else had bought
Genma. She thought back over the last full day she had spent awake,
and slowly recognized this evil as something that had crept in and
hung around in reality's backstage while nobody seemed to have paid
it much attention.
'bought Genma'?
Genma stopped eating, withdrew his head from the fridge, looked Nabiki
in the eyes, and paused. A couple seconds later, he sucked his tongue up
into his head and blew a raspberry at her out of both ears in stereo.
"...well, that clears up that, I guess. Evil." she concluded. At this,
the carp dropped to the floor, flipped over to Nabiki, and spoke up.
*snicker*
Okay, that was good.
"IF YOU WANT to help us, hear the words. Check your room. One."
Magical talking fish? Is this a Puni Puni Poemi reference?
"I'm not sure why, but I think this is the key." she wondered out
loud. "Wait...the key to what?" Not sure how to proceed with this
newfound knowledge, she looked expectantly towards the tree. It did
not disappoint her.
key." she -- key," she (though I'd think her dialogue would be more
deserving of a 'mused' than 'wondered')
With the sound of a hundred rams-horn trumpets blaring forth from
behind her closet door, and one linen-muffled quack, the tree shook to
the music, then slowly reached over until every branch, flower, fruit,
and leaf was pointed towards her window. She jogged over to it and
looked out, slightly surprised that her room was now at ground level
instead of being on the second floor, as she was quite sure it was
before.
A quack? Well, there's the Stormwarden, at least. Is it 'rams-horn' or
'ram-horn'? This one strikes me as being potentially any of those three,
though it'd most likely be the first or last.... But since the
possessive apostrophe is not present to indicate that the horn belongs
to a single ram, and we can guess that it generally wouldn't take the
horns of multiple rams....
... what does the council say about this?
Shampoo looked Nabiki in the eyes, her expression one of enthusiastic,
if slightly blank, joy and excitement, and declared, "It's Airen! He THE
REAL THING! Shampoo travel for weeks! Two!"
I would put the offest comment 'if slightly blank' within dashes
instead of commas here.
... that's not technical, just saying what I would do.
Forgot to mention the first time through, so ignore any of my C&C if it
doesn't help you.
Ranma quickly glanced over at Nabiki, nodded twice in a knowing way,
then withdrew back into the cube, taking Shampoo with him. The holes
irised shut, and the cube came to a sudden stop. With an eerie silence,
it slowly started to rise into the air, got about ten meters above the
ground, then audibly muttered, "Eh, why bother?" and burst into flames,
jumping across the sky and disappearing over the horizon.
I like this.
He noisily stomped across the city, flattening entire houses with each
step, and bellowed a masculine screech of defiance. He wore a blindingly
fresh aura of evil that Nabiki could see from across Nerima, but it
wasn't his own. She had experienced his original one before, and this it
definitely wasn't. She quickly consulted her gemstone panel once more to
see if anything else had been unlocked with his screech, but it remained
only half-lit.
'this it definitely wasn't' -- 'this definitely wasn't it' (?)
"I hope I don't have to fight that..." she bemoaned as the giant
pervert turned and started to bound in her direction.
Not plaintive enough for a bemoaning, I think. Just a moan, or a slight
revision of the statement?
Nabiki looked around in confusion to see where that last line had come
from, and saw a unfamiliar figure standing upon her house. He wore a
judo gi, and as soon as she recognized him, his heroic theme song
started.
Now, I know who this is. You know who this is. All san men and women
around the world know and fear him. But Nabiki's universe isnt
neccesarily our own, so I can accept that she might not.
But.
If he's unfamiliar, how can she recognize him?
"DON'T GIVE UP! Your quest | Asobi no michi ni tamashii kometa
shall not be hindered by this | Hitori no otoko ga kyou mo yuku
monster! I shall personally see | Majime ni asobanu yatsura ni wa
to his glorious defeat, for | Karada de oboesaseru zo!
great justice! Three!" With |
that, he leapt at Happosai and | SEGATA SANSHIRO! SEGATA SANSHIRO!
kicked him in the head. | SEGA SATURN, SHIRO!
I still say that he voluntarily activated his Tier Fate just to watch
over the new earth from within the sun. If anyone could withstand being
turned into solar rejuvination fuel, it'd be him.
Erm....
... don't mind me.
His fearsome kick knocked Happosai off-balance, and the ancient master
went flying across the country, finally tumbling into the Tokyo Tower,
which promptly collapsed. Sanshiro, not one to leave a task half-done,
raced towards his fallen foe and proceeded to toss him headlong into the
sea, where Happosai exploded. His victory nearly complete, Sanshiro
picked up the crumpled remains of the Tokyo Tower and flung it at the
defeated creature, who obligingly exploded once more.
Segata Sanshiro, having saved Nabiki and assisted wholeheartedly in
the agreed-upon scheme to restore love and order to the land, walked off
towards the setting sun, where he met Shinguuji Sakura, played a short
game of hide-and-seek with her, and founded a dynasty of warriors for
truth, justice, and quality dramatic adventure sagas to spread around
the world.
Ah.... Missed this the first time through.
Having this new apparition to help focus her resolve, Nabiki hurriedly
entered the Neko Hanten. The restaurant, save for the wizened old form
of Cologne slowly rotating on a bar stool, was deserted, and many a bowl
of gomoku ramen lay uneaten as mute witness to the approaching disaster.
"Yo, little sister," Cologne greeted Nabiki, remaining on her stool
with eyes closed and hands folded, "Perhaps you should go and consult
YOUR FACULTY ADVISOR and learn about the matrix." She stopped spinning,
opened her brownish-green eyes calmly, and started to stand up.
Another reference I don't quite follow... will you be releasing an
annotated version at some point, even if only on your website? I, for
one, would appreciate it. ;)
Back at the Neko Hanten, Cologne finally looked straight at Nabiki,
then reached her hand up to her neck and pinched hard. A musical popping
sound emanated from her throat as she pulled up and over her head,
revealing her skin to be enclosing a giant zipper, and the withered
visage of the Chinese matriarch gave way to the noticeably smoother and
gentle face of Kasumi Tendo, age 19.
Well, Ranma did run off with Kasumi to the disco, but was later with
Shampoo....
Kasumi smiled pleasantly. "Don't worry, you have all you need. We'll
see you on the other side." She gently picked up Nabiki's fully-glowing
gemstone panel, gave it back to her, then forcefully grabbed her by the
arm and flung her headfirst down the hole, cheerfully shouting out,
"FOUR!" right before the tunnel entrance sealed itself.
The golfer's cry is 'fore', but I'm guessing this is a reference to
Segata Sanshiro's earlier 'three', Shampoo's earlier 'two', and the
talking fish's 'one'.
After a bumpy yet mercifully short ride, Nabiki found herself sitting
awkwardly(which, in this context, is understood to mean, "upside-down")
in a dark and soggy antechamber, illuminated only by the twelve-gem
board that landed next to her.
awkwardly(which -- awkwardly (which
"Oww..." She got up gingerly, making sure that her panel, which was
apparently(judging from her sister's words) even more important than she
had thought, was undamaged. Upon closer inspection, and determining that
it indeed was, she finally noticed the fact that all twelve stones, in
four rows and three columns, were now glowing just as the first rows had
started to earlier. What that meant, exactly, remained just slightly
beyond her understanding, though she kept faith that she'd know when
the time was right.
This elipses (the one after 'Oww') terminates a sentence, and so could
contain four periods.
Raise your hands if you saw that coming.
On second thought, don't. The resultant wind would destroy this
planet's fragile weather systems.
Nabiki didn't get to finish her train of thought, as a dozen vines
suddenly whipped out within from the desks, binding her arms and legs
and dragging her over to a spreadeagled position in front of the
blackboard. She struggled against the horde, but it easily overpowered
her and held her in place, suspended several inches off the floor.
'whipped out within from' -- 'whipped out from within'
The lights turned on, and Nabiki winced, not having her arms free to
shield her eyes from the light. As they adjusted to the brightness, she
saw a dark-suited and helmet-clad figure standing on the far side of the
room, smoky fog billowing around it. With methodical, echoing steps, it
slowly crossed the room until it stood face-to-face with Nabiki.
First sentence: Repetition of 'light'?
"Hello, Nabiki. I'm your sister." she spoke in a reassuring monotone,
"Don't you like my world?"
sister." she -- sister." She -OR- sister," she
And
monotone, "Don't -- monotone. "Don't
"You're not my real sister!" Nabiki responded forcefully, her eyes
beginning to moisten up with tears from the pain of having the vines
squeeze her ankles and wrists tightly.
tightly. -- so tightly. (suggestion)
Akane tilted her head the other way, then reached down into the fog
surrounding her feet to unstrap and step out of her boots, looking back
p at Nabiki to continue her soothing monotone, though in a slightly
higher tone of voice this time, "I'm your sister. I made our world for
us."
p -- up (?)
Nabiki held up decently enough under its onslaught, mainly owing to
the fact that it was, paranormal qualities aside, a common Mongolian
gerbil.
0 Paranormal shielding... unless it's a Monster, it's a 30 point
character. If it is a Monster, it's 150, and Nabiki might as well start
praying now.
"I am Pereshte." it stated matter-of-factly, still using the higher-
toned version of Akane's voice. "Perhaps you've heard of me?"
Pereshte." it -- Pereshte," it
"...I know how. I don't know how, but I do." she whispered in awe.
A grin slowly spread across her face, and she shouted, "I know how to
solve the puzzle!"
do." she -- do," she
The vines holding Nabiki suspended quickly slacked off, and she
dropped to the floor. Unfortunately for her just-conceived plans to
interrogate the little gerbil, determine what exactly he had done, why
he had done it, how best to reverse the effects on reality, and whether
or not those really WERE real gemstones embedded in the panel that
she'd accidentally left facedown by the door to the classroom...she
happened to land directly on Pereshte, and he behaved quite like a
common Mongolian gerbil, one very much lacking in paranormal qualities.
*sqloosh*
HAH!
Brilliant.
She contentedly murmured, "There's no place like my floor..." Pausing
to collect her thoughts, she amended that with, "...but not right now."
She got up, checked her clock, and determined that today, if it was a
school day(which, things being what they used to be, she wasn't quite
sure if it was or not), she was up and awake in plenty of time to not
be late.
floor..." -- floor...."
"Um, Nabiki? Is something wrong? You..."
You..." -- You...."
"HUH..?!" She froze in surprise, and stammered a bit. "Er, well...uh,
yeah, I MEAN, no! No, everything's fine! It's just, um...why do you
ask?"
The elipses trailing 'HUH' should contain three periods.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Disclaimer:
The characters of Ranma 1/2(Nabiki, Ranma, Shampoo, Cologne, Akane,
Kasumi, Genma, Soun, Ryouga, and others I didn't use) are owned by
Rumiko Takahashi and those she licensed them to, including, but not
limited to, Shogakukan and Viz. The character of Segata Sanshiro is
owned by Sega Enterprises. The events and persons in this fanfic are
completely fictional and any resemblance to actual events or persons
is completely unintentional, and the author is not responsible for
any injury, trauma, or other detrimental condition resulting from
proper or improper use of this fan fiction. Comments, suggestions, and
other C&C are greatly appreciated, and will be accepted at the email
address of sabremau@yahoo.com. Keep circulating the fanfics...
"Egnaro Eht Saw Okkay, Egnaro Eht T'nsaw Luap."
Is this a reference to... nevermind.
Of course it is. ;)