--- "Dr. Wisdom" <superjavaskript@yahoo.com> wrote:

  I'd probably put a proper disclaimer here, crediting 
Rumiko Takahashi for use for her character in the "[Ranma]"
tag used in the subject line. 

INTRODUCTION

 "by Dr. Wisdom"
 

Only because...
Queen Victoria sucked, and...
Benito Mussolini sucked, and...
Adolf Hitler sucked, and...
George S. Whole Bush sucks...
Today I really must say...
FUCK CENSORSHIP!

  Well, my biggest complaint with this paragraph is that, 
though it seems to want to use rhyming verse format, it 
doesn't rhyme. "and" goes with "and" just fine, sure, but
"land", "sand" or "gland" could be worked into there to 
make it roll more smoothly.

 Or, alternatively, since Hitler's already in there, you 
could take the opposite tack, include Alex Chiu instead, 
and throw in some pop culture references to appease the 
crowd! For instance:

"Only because...
 Found a hobo in my room, and...
 Huzzah, and...
 What you say, and...
 Vote 5 for pr0n, and...
 Today I really must say...
 HOLD-THE-KETCHUP!"
 
  ...on the other hand, that WOULD involve adding more stuff
to the disclaimer, so you can take it or leave it. :)

CHAPTER 1

  What, no chapter title?

LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon

  This section could use a bit more punctuation, 
such as commas, exclamation marks, and semicolons.
All of these are inherently useful, but the capitalization
would also need to be modified slightly.

LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon

  HEH...now THAT's a plot twist! :)

LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon

  Actually, it suddenly occurs to me, around this point, 
that if you're going to post something this explicit, 
that there really should be a [LemonLemonLemonLemon] tag
in the subject line...

                                    LemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon
LemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemonLemon

  The full impact of this paragraph would come through
better if you left off the last three "Lemon" parts;
the prose conveys the sense of utter hopelessness 
PERFECTLY right up to before that section, and leaving 
them in there just dilutes the overall effect.

full-stop.

  Woohah, cliffhanger. :)

  I'm feeling spectactularly fanfiction.netlike today, so
this is your best yet, and write more!


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