Nothing much to say about "Second Day".

On Monday 30 December 2002 05:27 pm, Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:

She held out her hand to him to show him the band of gold on her finger. It
took him a moment to focus on it and then he gasped and looked at his hand.
A matching band of wrought gold encircled the third finger of his left
hand.

I found "third finger" disorienting, as I think you mean the ring finger,
or fourth finger counting from the thumb.  Suggest you just use "ring
finger".

Sylia was only faintly aware of Nigel, Priss, and Mackey gathered behind
her as she stared at the wall phone in astonishment.

Nigel just happens to be there at Sylia's?  (In the series, he's only
there when he has good reason to be.)

gesture with her finger. "When she woke up, she was a married woman."

At this point, all the reader knows is that they found rings on their fingers.
You mention a marriage certificate lower down, but I'd suggest moving
its discovery up here; otherwise we have no way of knowing that the
two did anything other than buy new rings, which makes Nene's conclusion
quite a leap.

Part of her criteria had been lack of romantic ties or serious friendships.
Nene was too young and hyper to form any serious attachments, Priss was a
loner, and Linna was career oriented with family in another town, and a job
that left little time for serious socializing.

One reason why I think Classic BGC might have worked better for you.
This description of Linna is only 1/3 true, IMO:  "career-oriented" hardly
suits an officelady who only came to Tokyo to find the Knight Sabers, and
the job is strictly nine-to-five.  OTOH, you also said in "First Day" that
Linna is now an engineering student; suggest you rephrase the above to
take that into account:  "night classes that left little time for serious 
socializing".

She gave him a wan smile. "Relax," she said, taking his hand. "I'm not
pregnant, Nene dragged me to the doctor already."

A doctor can tell that quickly?  (It's been less than 24 hours.)  And,
unless she douched very thoroughly, there might still be live sperm
inside her swimming toward their target.  But I'm no expert; suggest
you just leave that last line off, possibly replace with "It's very
unlikely I'm pregnant; it's the completely wrong time of the month
for me."

you, and I. . ." Sighing, he took out a small folder. "These are annulment
of marriage papers. 

Technically, given a late night impromptu marriage ceremony, in Japan
they're not married until a marriage certificate is filed in a government
office (which wouldn't be open at the time of the ceremony).  So he
should be saying something like:  "Say yes, I tear this up; say no,
and we file them with the government together."

Her thoughts turned to the disc she and Nene had found while cleaning up.
It had been in a leather bound folder and contained the certificate of
marriage, and a video recording which quite clearly showed her and Kit,
drunk as could be, saying their vows before a justice of the peace and a
few witnesses. 

Definitely move this discovery up.  Plus they'd need to validate the
credentials of the "justice".

"Whatever you said, better find out what it is and fast. With a body like
that 

2040 Linna is characterized as being not the sort to catch men's eyes
like this:  too muscular, etc.

"Pardon me, m'lady," the white-haired man said respectfully. "But we've
detected multiple reactions and I've taken the liberty of summoning Ms
Agulari."

Who?  Does Meisio mean "Ms Asagiri", or is this some other new character?

"It can't end like this," Sylia said. "I haven't found it yet!"

Nene was about to ask what Sylia hadn't found 

This suggests that this story is set anytime between, say, the end of
episode four and about half-way through the series.  As does mention
of their "softsuits" (dispensed with later) and your version of Leon's
and Priss's relationship.  Suggest you firm this up and tell us up
front.

"You spoke to him in Swahili. You've never left Japan in your life!"

Swahili places the Phantom clearly in East Africa, say Tanzania.
Given your use of the Phantom at all, of course it's not feasible to
require very much faithfulness to real-world Africa (the Phantom
material is worse than Tarzan in this respect).  But the Phantom
material I've seen always seemed to try very hard not to point
definitely to any part of Africa; to leave things as indefinite as
possible.  And a British castaway off the East coast of Africa in
approx. 1540 is too early anyway (he'd be Portuguese).

Not sure what to suggest, though; Swahili does get your immediate
point across.



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