"Huh?" It took Nene a few moments longer to reach the same conclusion. But
Kit's immortal. . .isn't he?"

They've skipped over far more likely hypotheses, e.g. some newcomer is using
an old African legend for their own purposes.

Later, as everyone was filing out, Nigel pulled Sylia aside.

"What are you doing Sylia? He breaks in and you invite him to dinner? And
why did you grab those two cops?"

Nigel questioning Sylia?  Strikes me as OOC for him.

"I don't care. I'll make a deal with the devil if that's what it takes. I
will find and destroy her, Nigel. No matter what."

Right.  So this is set before we've had any hint of the Shotai in
the series.  Although here you're portraying Sylia as having
always been obsessed with finding and killing her; in the series,
Sylia thought she was dead until her found out Mason was looking
for her.

As though on cue, the door opened, revealing an elderly, white-haired man
in a black suit pushing a dinner cart. Leon started to get up and rush the
guy 

This struck me as incredibly bad planning on someone's part (probably
Sylia's), partly for just this reason:  Leon could easily overcome Meishio.
Why not just open a floor-level door just wide enough for a plastic
tray?  Also, now L & D have seen Meisio's face.  How does Sylia know
they don't have a hidden camera on them somewhere?

'The ceiling looks funny'

"Unfamiliar ceiling."

building. One thousand, two hundred and twenty three stories, straight
down. 

That's quite a building.  Unless that's canonical for P2040, suggest you
shorten it quite a bit.  1223 x min of 10 ft = 12,230 ft tall > 2 miles.

I was crushed and it was months before I could even bring myself to
look at boys, much less date them.

More like years, given the behavior we see from Linna in the first
part of the series.

Sylia Stingray was well known to the Bandar. Her. . .condition even more
so. 

Now THAT strikes me as quite a stretch...

She had been perfectly happy in Dispatch, and then a couple of rookie

<clip>

That meant everyone in the A.D.P with electronics skills, which basically
was her and two guys in Maintenance, was transferred to this new department
and then given the title of detectives.

Quite a long explanation here.  Not sure why you need it; moving Nene
over (especially 2040 Nene, who doesn't keep her skills quite as secret
as classic Nene does) to a special department is plausible enough not
to require such a long-winded explanation.

Maybe she could distentigrate her feet and then PhysRehab would keep her

"disintegrate" (sp)

Capped by a dome that held a giant satellite dish and other com gear, the
deck below it was exactly one mile above sea level.

Implausible without more explanation.  Tall buildings are only economical
if you can charge higher rent than lower buildings, since they have less
usable space per floor in the lower levels but cost much more to build.
And universities are generally very stingy on spending for real estate.

He looked at her. "You are aware that Sylia Stingray is obsessive and
insane, right? 

Problem:  from where you appear to have set this story, Linna does NOT
know this.  Neither do Nene or Priss.  So how do the Bandar in Africa
know it?

"Logic," Sylia replied archly as she laid a map of Africa on the table. A
portion was covered in a red blob. "Kit is the sole heir to the Walker
family fortune, which is embodied in Walker International and has its world
headquarters here, in Africa." 

Good generality here.  (Of course, being this general probably wouldn't
work for any other material, but it's a must for the Phantom.)

Sylia smiled. "Nene?" Moments later, an unmarked truck pulled into the
hanger and Nigel, Mackie and Linna got out.

Nigel's going to Africa?  Why?  For that matter, how is Nene going
to explain this time off?

Admist the combat boomers, concealed inside his suit, a disgusted Quincy
Rosenkruz switched off the audio and video feeds. Mason was fired, he just
didn't know it yet.

I thought RosenKroitz never left his orbiting satellite?  What's he doing
engaging in personal spying on Mason, disguised as a boomer?  Strikes
me as highly implausible.


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