Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Sun, 29 Dec 2002 18:59:54 -0800 Christopher Olsen
<christopherolsen28@hotmail.com> wrote:
This chapter has been heavily revised and updated. There is plenty of new
text and some important plot changes, so those {intrested : interested} in keeping up with
the plot should {definetly : definitely} read on through.
He hated these jobs. As head of Homicide, it was all too often his duty to
inform people of the loss of a loved one. It was far worse when it came to a
situation like this, telling a mother about her child's death. {He thought
for a moment. :}
You removed his thoughts from this paragraph and the ones in the next
paragraph have their own introduction.
"Nothing {conclusive." The : conclusive," the} detective admitted. "But the circumstances don't
look very good{, :} I'm afraid. We should be prepared...."
Or drop the "I'm afraid".
"{I've : I} got a very interesting case today." Mouri Kogorou grumbled to his
daughter over his morning coffee.
The Mouri's {house guest : houseguest}, 7 year old Conan Edogawa was listening intently
behind his school books. < I wonder... the girl's clothes could have been
dumped there by a kidnapper, but where does the panther come in? That is
what makes this so interesting... {could : Could} it have been a guard animal, or an
experiment subject? I'll have to check this out.>
Ran was still blushing. "Without any warning? The poor panther! I hope she's
{OK? : OK!}"
Unless that's her manner of speaking.
The vet took the file back. "It's as I told you. Our director decided at the
last minute that this panther would be perfect for the {oversea : overseas} breeding
program."
Ran sighed. "On {Safari : safari} in Africa... how wonderful."
"I am. I am sorry to presume, but I invited some others, who are possibly
involved in this case." Dr. Mizuno gestured to the two seated. "This is
Ikuko Tsukino and Grandfather Hino. Mrs. Tsukino's daughter, and
{Grandfather's : Mr. Hino's : Reverend Hino's} granddaughter vanished, together we think, last week for over
4 days."
Grandfather isn't Grandfather Hino's personal name. I think you
should either pick a name or use the full phrase when he is being
addressed by strangers.
Dr. Mizuno nodded. "Yes... in several instances our children or their
friends have apparently lost their clothing." She glanced {and : at} Ikuko, who
reluctantly nodded.
The old priest spoke up. "Yes, and their friend Makoto was over at the
temple wearing my Rei's clothes, which were obviously too small for her.
Then Ikuko and I saw Atlanta naked at {the Mamaru : Mamoru} Chiba's apartment."
Dr Mizuno nodded. "And the night before last Ami came home in one of Rei's
outfits. She {couldn't : wouldn;t} tell me what happened, simply that she 'lost them'.
She was at {ndfathers : Hino's : the} shrine that day."
The old man nodded. "I saw her {that :} earlier that day wearing one of her
usual outfits. She left wearing it. When she lost hers and borrowed Rei's,
I don't know."
Mouri was following this exchange with growing confusion, Ran was blushing
up a storm, but Conan's face was blank. He was thinking hard. < This Ami
loses her clothes a lot.... They were found at the crime scene... A
different set of clothing from the ones she lost {previous : previously} it seems... What
happened to her?>
Mouri spoke up. "It sounds very serious... A perverse sexual situation,
which is no doubt the reason for the {girls : girls'} refusal to speak! The criminal
mastermind behind this has damaging photos of the girls, and is blackmailing
them into silence!"
Ikuko spoke up. "Why yes, my daughter and Minako Aino have cats."
"Though I haven't seen Luna since that incident with Usagi's friend."
What a coincidence! :}b
As they drove towards Nerima, Mouri confided to his daughter. "We'll be
checking out this 'Tendo Dojo' next. Strange animals and people have been
spotted there on occasion. There is supposed to be an escaped panda living
there as well. I'm sure that's these 'Tendo's' are part of the smuggling
ring! {This 'Ami' : Ami} has been taking martial arts lessons there."
"Do you know anyone named Tendo, Ran-neechan?" {Asked : asked} Conan innocently.
Nodoka sat on the back porch of the Tendo home, quietly sipping a cup of tea
while her husband battled Soun only a few feet behind her in their never
ending battle of tactics and {guile� : guile --} otherwise known as Shogi. Sometimes it
was Go, and today Shogi, but the battle was in general the same one, played
over and over again between the two men. Nodoka thought they would never
tire of it, and truthfully that was fine with her. The clack of tiles, the
constant cheating, all faded to a pleasant drone in the background that was
quite soothing.
She needed something to calm her nerves, really, with all the stress she was
going through with worrying about her son and his extended family. A
demoness, of all things, was the last thing she wanted to be thinking about,
although Nodoka supposed it was appropriate, having a demoness show up to
balance out her husband and {Soun�s : Soun's} demon master Happosai. Not that Happosai
was really a demon, as much as he seemed to be sometimes. Nodoka looked up
at the sound of Nabiki entering the living room from the hall and turned to
glance back at her with a smile.
It looks like your wordprocessor has been 'improving' some of the
punctuation.
Mara backflipped out of range of Nodoka's sword, coming to rest high up in a
nearby tree. "Well now... you're rather dangerous with that, aren't you?" <
That katana is the problem... where do these mortals keep finding these
things? How many anti-demon warded katanas could there possibly be in
Tokyo?>
Mara's up in a tree.
Nodoka sheathed her weapon, holding it in its sheath at the ready as she
crouched down into a position that showed that she was getting ready to
leap. "I'm sorry about this, but you have threatened not only the
protectors of Tokyo, but my family as well. I have no choice in what I do."
< How in the world am I doing this? I don't know how to fight this well!>
Nodoka's katana is in it's sheath again.
Nodoka's eyes went wide as Mara's hands went up and energy gathered in them.
"What!?! How did you...?" The demoness threw her hands forward, a wave of
energy throwing Nodoka to her knees. There was a sudden shrinking sensation,
and Nodoka was finding it hard to keep her suddenly huge katana pointed at
the blond haired demon. Mara hopped down out of the tree, looking slightly
surprised.
She had earlier re-sheathed the katana. Perhaps the sheath and handle
suddenly felt much bigger.
Nodoka suddenly smiled. "Because my husband has finished sneaking up behind
you."
Last I recall, Mara was high up in a tree. She may have floated down
while baiting Nodoka though.
Nodoka gasped in fear and tripped herself on her kimono as she quickly
stepped backwards, falling on her back just outside the front door. Mara,
however paid her no attention, instead focusing on herself. Slowly her lower
torso started to {slid : slide} toward her upper body, then rejoined it, coming
together as one unit with a bright flash.
Mara slowly stood, brushing herself off and and glaring at Genma angrily.
"Now that HURT! You're going to pay for that, mortal." She grinned slowly.
"And when a demon says you're going to pay...." Genma {leapt : leaped} away from her,
jumping to the rooftop and leaping out of sight in only moments. "Wow!" Mara
said, sounding slightly impressed. "Now that was some fast running away...."
She levitated after him, following Genma into the backyard, leaving Nodoka
alone by the front door. Ranma's mother turned around to follow, only to
fall flat on her face as she tripped on her oversized kimono.
Mara had the large martial artist {cornered : trapped} in the corner of the Tendo's back
yard when a sixth sense warned her of danger behind. Mara glanced backwards
just in time to dodge the warded arrow that an armored Samurai warrior had
launched at her only an instant before. "Whoa!" She skittered backwards
quickly, getting some distance between her and the {Samurai : samurai} as he nocked yet
another arrow to his great bow. Mara heard Genma rising to his feet behind
her at the same time and sighed. "I
don't believe this." She raised a hand. "Fine, you win this round." Snapping
her fingers, she vanished in a puff of smoke.
"Are you alright, little girl?" Ran asked the scared looking waif. < Is
that... a {Katana : katana}?>
Kogorou looked at the gate sign. "Ah, the Tendo {dojo : Dojo}! This is it alright!"
He turned to look at Nodoka. "Hello little girl, do you live here?"
Nodoka shook her head at first. "No, I don't, the Tendo's are good friends
of mine...." Then she trailed of into silence. The look of shock on her face
deepened for a moment. "Ah no!" She said suddenly in a very different tone
of voice. "My... Daddy is here! He's Mr.. Tendo's friend! I'm too little to
practice {the :} martial arts, my Daddy says so! I'm waiting for him."
Nabiki met them at the door. "{Can : May} I help you?" She glanced at Nodoka
knowingly. "Our "guest" has left unexpectedly, 'Manami'-chan. Who are these
nice people?"
I expect Nabiki to know the more formal way of speaking. It's your
call whether she uses it this time.
Detective Mouri was already hot on the case. "What do you know about a
missing girl?" He questioned the fat, balding man in the {Gi : gi}.
Genma was quick to deny anything. "Missing girl?" He pointed at Nodoka. "But
who's that over there?" Everyone glanced at the small girl in confusion.
Before they turned back, there was a loud splash from the pond nearby. When
they did look for the man, he was gone... and a {Panda : panda} was playing with a
tire near the pond.
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "{Right daddy : Right, Daddy}, I'll take his panda-ness and feed him.
What did you want me to feed him too?"
My thought exactly. Midorigame is probably hungry.
Conan spoke up. "Could I have some tea Mister? I'm kinda thirsty!" He
grinned winningly as he sat down at the kotatsu in the middle of the room,
swinging his legs underneath the low table. < There are.. {Claw : claw} marks all
over the floor here, but mostly by the... Shoji table?> Conan scooted over
towards the game. < These pieces... They have odd scratches in the sides...
And there are several coarse hairs here... both black and white.> Conan
slipped his micro recorder under the table. < Its starting to add up... but
I need more evidence.>
I thought he put a bug under the table. He'd have to sneak in to
recover his recorder before he can hear anything from it. On the
other hand, it may be hard to monitor a radio bug since Dr. Agasa's
place isn't next door.
Kogorou nodded. 'That's right! She's missing, and her clothing was found
near an escaped panther." He stared hard at Soun. "You wouldn't know
anything about a panther, would you?" He pointed outside. "You are keeping
an endangered panda here... are there any other animals?"
How does he know Genma's endangered?
Conan shook his head slightly. < This situation isn't adding up... why is he
inside getting dry? It isn't raining, was he taking a bath at this time of
day?> He moved inside and looked around carefully. < More claw marks... a
lot of them... on the floor and scratches on the fixtures...> He {move : moved} past
the older{: ,} balding man, looking at the floor. < Odd... the claw marks head
for the furo... over and over again... but none are leading away from the
furo.> He smiled just slightly. < Now this is a hard one... I love a
challenge.>
Conan {looking : looked} them both over carefully. < The bald fellow and little girl
slept here? Oh really?> He unrolled the neat futon and examined it. <
There is still a very slight impression in it... head and heel marks...
about 5 feet apart... A relatively light person, but not a little girl.> He
then {went over the other one carefully : checked the other one}. As he was nodding his head he was
grabbed by the arm and dragged away.
"Come {on boy : on, Boy}!" Mouri dragged him out of the room, but Conan held his fist
close to his body, a smile on his face. < The {Saotome's : Saotomes'} room? The futon
was crushed by something much heavier than that man, and there were claw
marks and this fur all over it! I'd say an older woman and... a panda were
sharing that room!>
In the final room, a larger bed dominated. Nabiki explained. "This is my
sister Kasumi and her husband's room. Note the large, comfortable bed, which
is already showing signs of wear...." She grinned. "They've only been
married a few months." Ran blushed, Mouri coughed self consciously.
I guess Conan was hustled out of the room before he noticed three sets
of depressions instead of two. I imagine Misty was very careful about
cleaning up the cat hair.
Mouri pointed to Nabiki. "This young lady has shown me papers for the panda,
and Mr.. Tendo has explained that he hasn't seen Miss Mizuno since she came
to class last Sunday." He frowned and hit Conan on the head. "And don't
question {me boy : me, Boy}! It's obvious we're wasting our time here!" He thought about
Soun Tendo. < Besides, such a good looking fellow wouldn't stoop to anything
criminal, that's certain.>
As they left, Conan looked everywhere for the panda. < It's gone... Nowhere
to be seen... Just as I thought. This almost looks like the case of the
disappearing panda... that's the key to this mystery... the girl, the
panther, the panda... They are all connected...> He sighed as they led him
into the car. < The odd things Dr. Mizuno and the other parents noted,
'Manami' and the {Tendo's : Tendos'} zoo... The panther might have caused those marks
on the window sill... But they were a bit too big I think... And too oddly
placed... Almost as if they were made by clawed hands, and not paws.> Conan
shook his head. < No... There should be a more rational explanation... but
what? I can't believe in people who can turn into animals.> The logical
part of him insisted back. < Adults can become children in your world, but
not animals?> Conan frowned at his tiny knees and the outsized hands
resting on them, and thought.
******************
Later, at Dr. Agasa's house. Conan was rapidly typing into the doctor's
computer. From behind him, a mildly curious voice of Agasa's {house mate : housemate}
came. "What are you working on?"
This is duplicated below. It probably fits better in the later
location.
"Of the poison you created for the black organization?" Conan finished for
her. "Yes, nothing else makes sense. I'm trying to find clues now in the
e-mails from the zoo director." He pointed to the screen. "You see here is
the latest e-mail from him... he is asking about the status of his 'special
project{. :}'." Conan studied the e-mail for a moment longer then clicked on the
previous one. "This one is from last week, see? The director is asking about
the daily activities of the zoo." Conan frowned. "The writing style... it
isn't the same. The person in the last e-mail sounds like a clever, excited
person, the person who wrote this one is a bureaucrat."
Kasumi stretched her wings slowly, feeling a minor twinge of residual pain.
"I think I could try flying again..." {She : she} said hopefully, although the
quaver in her voice betrayed her. Honestly, the idea of stepping off the
rooftop she was on and attempting to fly again was positively terrifying.
The memory of her flight to her currently lofty perch seemed too ethereal,
too impossible to be real, and despite the fact that she had indeed flown to
where she was, it was hard to make herself believe that she could repeat the
performance.
Mamoru Chiba turned to face her and nodded. "Just about everyone came out to
help look. I contacted them on the way up {here :}, so everyone should be
meeting us here in a few minutes. Come on, let's go meet them downstairs."
The two of them started down the stairs. Kasumi was thankful not to meet
anyone on the way down, although on the bottom floor a gray haired older man
poked his head out of the manager's office as they came near.
Akane dropped down right behind the half cat, looking a bit concerned as he
started heading directly {toward : towards} his wife. "Johnathon... shouldn't you change
first? Someone might see you."
Kasumi sighed, then softly smiled. "You're right. The only person who's
opinion should matter to me is you, {husband : Husband}. I promise I will never make you
ashamed of me."
{Micheru : Michiru} smiled. "It would be rude to make them wait on the doorstep. I think
we can still make it if we run."
It looks like your spel cheker didn't like Michiru.
{Micheru : Michiru} nodded. "With you? Anytime."
Haruka nodded, grinning. "Yup... ready... set...." She was off in a flash,
dashing off in the direction of the home she and {Micheru : Michiru} shared with Hotaru,
Setsuna, and Professor Tomoe. {Micheru : Michiru} was only a step behind her lover,
having read the tall girl's body language better {then : than} the two martial
artists.
Minutes later, Ranko and Ranma came racing to a stop in front of the large
residence, Haruka, {Micheru : Michiru} and Minako several blocks behind. "I win!" Ranko
announced cheerfully, happy to have beaten her male half at something. Ranma
frowned just slightly, but didn't argue. He really didn't want to point out
that he had been holding himself back slightly, ever since he had realized
that his longer stride gave him an edge over his twin in distance running.
Ranko glanced back curiously,
looking for the others, not really noticing Ranma's preoccupied frown. "Boy,
we really have to step up their training if they're still this slow."
It wasn't too long before the others started arriving, first Haruka,
followed closely by {Micheru : Michiru}, then Minako and a few minutes later everyone
else in a group. It wasn't until they were all going inside that the
goddesses finally arrived, the large mirror in the living room lighting up
first, and Belldandy stepping out, pulling her younger sister Skuld through
by the hand.
A quick splash of water later, a long haired Akane with a red ribbon in her
hair stood in their midst, blinking slowly. "I... I know where I am... I
think." She looked at Belldandy questioningly. "Did you just do the spell?"
She shook her head. "Wait, you just said you need to repeat it on me...."
She took a deep breath, then clenched her fists tightly as she visibly
prepared herself. "I think I'm ready. Go ahead."
You've mentioned long hair on Akane Tendo a couple times. I thought
Akane didn't grow her hair back once it was cut by Ryoga, so Akane
Tendo wouldn't be the 'long haired' one unless Akane Saotome got a
buzz-cut.
After several moments the goddess nodded, looking satisfied. "Good, there
{doesn't : don't} appear to be any adverse side effects. The spell appears to have
worked properly."
Later, at Dr. Agasa's house. Conan was rapidly typing into the doctor's
computer. From behind him, a mildly curious voice of Agasa's {house mate : housemate}
came. "What are you working on?"
"I think I may have found another lead to the black organization, Ai." Conan
said, intent on his internet search. "I met a girl who acted very peculiar
today... as if she wasn't a girl at all, but an older lady."
You've inserted this scene twice with some additions in the
second copy. You probably want to drop the first occurance.
The capitalization of 'Black Organization' is not consistant. I
didn't correct it because I'm not sure if it is a generic or specific
name.
"Of the poison you created for the black organization?" Conan finished for
her. "Yes, nothing else makes sense. I'm trying to find clues now in the
e-mails from the zoo director." He pointed to the screen. "You see here is
the latest e-mail from him... he is asking about the status of his 'special
project{. :}'." Conan studied the e-mail for a moment longer then clicked on the
previous one. "This one is from last week, see? The director is asking about
the daily activities of the zoo." Conan frowned. "The writing style... it
isn't the same. The person in the last e-mail sounds like a clever, excited
person, the person who wrote this one is a bureaucrat."
Conan shook his head. "Besides the fact that someone faked the latest
e-mail, I don't know yet. I think someone wanted that panther out of the
zoo, I just have to figure out why." He shrugged. "I'm working on a
missing person case. I have a theory about some of the odd goings on and
{disapearances : disappearances} that I have found out about... but I need more proof."
He looked at Ai. "Did the Black {orginization : organization} do any... animal
experimentation?"
She looked puzzled. "Not to my {knowlege... : knowledge...}. I'm fairly certain they used
human test subjects occasionally though."
He frowned. "I know you don't know anything about the other research the
Black {orginization : organization} is doing... but... could they be trying to..." He
paused. < People who change into animals.... Is it even possible?>
Dr. Agasa came into the room while {AI : Ai} was still waiting for Conan to speak.
"I think you'll both want to see this. There' s been a disturbance at the
Tokyo Zoo." He turned on the TV set and turned the channel to the news.
The {Zoo : zoo} worker shrugged. "I don't know... I mean we were told a {Panda : panda} had
escaped and we... Well there wasn't a {Panda : panda} there, but we saw this girl...
Her dress was ripped... Someone said she was an angel, or a monster... She
didn't look dangerous to me, but then we rushed her...."
The show shifted to the news studio. "Here we have an {amature : amateur} photo from
the incident.." The monitor showed a blurry picture of a group of zoo
workers with nets and rifles and above them a blurry shape. It obviously
flying, and just as obviously too large to be a bird.
Conan studied the screen intently. He pointed out the face of the {Kimono : kimono}
clad lady standing by a picnic table. "There... she looks enough like
'Manami' to be her mother... And I do believe... Yes that's the {Kimono : kimono} she
was wearing... but it fits fine." He studied the map of the zoo that
flashed up on the news monitor. "Ai... We were just at the zoo a few weeks
ago for our class trip... is that?"
Conan shook his head. "I don't know how they {do : did} it, but... I know what
happened to the girl, Ami {Mizino : Mizuno}, and where she is."
With the additions, Conan has a lot more pieces to the puzzle. It
will be fun to see what he makes of the resulting picture.