I liked this story, and I'm included my comments throughout the body.

-----Original Message-----
Shampoo ran behind Mousse, trying to catch up with
him.  He was so excited at the prospect of seeing
top athletes from around the world performing that
he'd ignored all of Cologne's objections to leaving
the restaurant understaffed, actually put his
glasses on properly, and taken off.

*****

"When did you become so interested in track and
field, Usagi?  I've never seen you attend any
matches at our school?"

I believe this last sentence here is not a question, so it should end
with a period.

<snip>

"Hurry, would you?  I want to have a good seat!
Would you put that down?  It's not yours!"

"But this flower pot is SO cute!  Louise!  Louise!"

I think it would be better to have "Hurry up" instead of "Hurry", it's a
little more colloquial.

<snip>

Akane ignored her fiance's comments, grabbed him by
the pigtail, and dragged him to the gym.  "Didn't
you read the posters?  The very best Olympic
athletes are going to be right here!  How often do
you get to see the best in action?"

As I will mention below, you should remain consistent with your spelling
of "fiance" or "fiancee".

<snip> 

The lines at the doors of Furinkan High School's
gymnasium were huge, and getting longer.  Not only
was every student trying to get in, but the
doorways were jammed with students from many other
schools in the Tokyo area, as well as many Nerima
residents.   Soon the gym was packed to capacity,
and everyone else was turned away.  People jammed
the available seats, looking expectantly at the
array of equipment out on the gymnasium floor.  The
crowd grew quiet as the lights dimmed, and a lone
spotlight turned on in the center of the floor.
Then Tatewaki Kuno stepped into the light.  He held
a piece of paper in his hand.  "My father asked me
to read a message to those in attendance this
afternoon, since he has been unavoidably detained
elsewhere."

Usually "Then" isn't used like this at the start of a sentence, so I
would recommend something like "As the crowd watched, Tatewaki Kuno
stepped into the light."
 

Kuno peered at the notes, and wrinkled his brow.
"Perhaps it would be best if I paraphrased the
speech.  I refuse to speak in such an uncouth
manner!"

Perish the thought.

"Dear Students,

I have called you together today, not to see a
track and field competition, but for another
purpose."

And there's the other shoe, dropping right on schedule.

The audience began to murmur nervously, and glance
at one another.  Then they all jumped, as each door
to the gymnasium slammed shut and locked.  Kuno
glanced down at the notes again, and turned pale.
"I'm afraid we have been deceived.  This message
states that since all of Furinkan High's students
have steadfastly refused to cut their hair in
accordance with the school rules, Principal Kuno
has brought us here to have it done forcibly."

I think that it would be better to have instead "The audience began to
murmur and glance at each other nervously."  It flows a little better,
IMO.

Kuno threw down the notes, and raised his bokken.
"Join with me, all of you!  We will not allow
this!"

Well, it's good to see that Kuno has some things he's willing to fight
for that aren't completely crazy.  While reading this part, I couldn't
help but picture Kuno leading a mass of Nerima residents to victory,
like in Braveheart.

 

A strange metallic sound began, and the lights came
up.  The crowd looked, looked again, and began to
laugh.  A host of mechanical ostriches had entered
the gym, and were advancing on the audience.

_<'''

Well, it's a very interesting concept.

"Metal birds?  No problem!"  Ranma cracked his
knuckles, and grinned at his fiancee.  "Let's get
them!"

I notice that here you use "fiancee", but earlier you used "fiance".
Either one is correct, but I think it would be better to stay
consistent.

"Oh, how cute!" cried Azusa.  "Come to Mommy,
Pauline!"  She ran directly up to a bright yellow
ostrich, which was blinking its huge mechanical
eyes at her.  The creature opened its mouth,
displaying some very interesting teeth.  They were
normally seen on a razor cutter in a barbershop.
Seconds later, Azusa sported a very cute crew cut.
She collapsed on her partner, crying hysterically,
which prevented him from defending himself from the
advancing bird.

When you say "They were normally seen" it sounds like these _were_ the
blades used in a barbershop, which had then been transplanted here.  If
that's what you meant, then it's good, but if not, it might be better to
say something like "They looked like razor cutters from a barbershop" or
"They looked like they belonged in a barbershop".

 

"I never wanted us to have the same hairdo!" wailed
Mikado, as he pulled a mirror out of the pocket.
Then his expression changed.  "It certainly looks
much better on me than it does on you!"

Mikado, the eternal optimist.

 
<snip>

Minako came hurrying up to her friend.  "You've got
more to worry about than that, silly!  You should
be more concerned about protecting our hair!"

Well, if there's one thing that the Senshi have a lot of, it's hair.
 
<snip> 

Ranma couldn't help but laugh.  "Aren't ya supposed
to throw those things?"  Then he shrugged.
"Whatever works!  Come on, they need help!"  Ranma
pointed at the other end of the gym, where three
ostriches were menacing a group of teachers.
Miss Hinako stood in front of her colleagues, but
the ostriches were impervious to her attempt to
drain them.  Before Ranma or Akane could reach
them, Mousse and Shampoo destroyed the evil birds.
Unfortunately, they were a few seconds too late to
help Miss Hinako.

I think that "her attempts" would be a little better here than "her
attempt".

<snip> "Kuno, I think we should run."

"In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!"  Five
girls stood up in the middle of the gym.  Everyone
stopped to stare.

"They're not real, are they?" whispered Akane to
Ranma.

"I never thought they were, Akane.  It's gotta be a
joke."

What a dirty mind those two have!
Oh, wait...
 

The Sailor Scouts began to shout their attacks.
Usagi raised her scepter, pointed it at an ostrich,
and--

"SWEETO!"  Happosai attached himself to her bosom.

"EEEEK!!!" screamed Usagi.

"PERVERT!" yelled the remaining Scouts.  They all
converged on Usagi, and attempted to pry Happosai
off her.  This caused all of them, including Usagi,
to be distracted enough to get new hairdos.

Hmm, if I didn't know better, I'd say Happi was in on it.
 

Ranma shrugged.  "Toldja it was a joke.  No serious
fighters are gonna run around in skirts that
short!"  Then a familiar voice raised itself among
the wailing crowd.

I'm pretty sure that what you want here is "Told ya", which will end up
phonetically sounding like "Toldja", which sounds like a Norse goddess.
 
Also, I think here that "amongst the wailing crowd is a little better.

"That's it!  No more!"  Ostrich heads began flying
past left and right, as a furious okonomiyaki chef
waded through them.  "Ran-chan, how about a little
help here?"

"We're on it!  C'mon, Akane!  Pop, get a move on!"

That's really asking for him to go above and beyond. ^_^
 
<snip>

The young woman looked at him and suppressed her
giggle.  After all, he had sacrificed his own hair
for her sake.

...
Could something happen between these two, now that Kuno's hair is
destroyed?
Anything's possible!

<snip> 

"Father, what you have done today surpasses
everything you have done in the past.  For this,
you deserve punishment."

Geez, EVERYTHING? That's quite a lot.

<snip> 

The youma laughed itself to death three minutes
later.

^_^ Very nice.

All in all, a pretty good little story, with a satisfying ending.

Well done.

-Jeremy F


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