Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Sat, 28 Dec 2002 15:30:49 -0500 Sam Vilsmeier <syp104@email.psu.edu>
wrote:
All My Outers...
Chapter 1: Meeting the Wives
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)
A link to your site (http://www.fanfic.net/~psyckosama/) may be useful.
Hotaru sighed in slight relief. At least this meant that her subconscious
*wasn't* contemplating having an orgy with Michiru-mama, Haruka-papa,
Setsuna-mama, and some guy she'd never even seen before.
It's true that her subconscious isn't _contemplating_ it since they've
already done it, probably several times. I'm reasonably sure they weren't
just playing Parchese before they went to sleep.
Now if only the same thing could be said about that dream she'd had last
week involving Chiba-Usa, a container of chocolate chip cookie {doe : dough} ice
cream, and some tongue depressors...
Oh deer. Someone has an active imagination.
Still, everything else aside, she was in bed, with a boy, with whom she had
just had sex, was surrounded by her loved ones who had also taken part, and
had absolutely no idea what was going on. Hotaru quickly decided to put some
space between her and her 'lover', and jumped back with all her rather
inconsiderable might.
It actually sounds like she has a pretty good idea what happened. She'll
have to work on why a little longer.
Was 'inconsiderable' intentional?
What she didn't take into consideration was the way her two parental figures
were wrapped around the young man pinned her legs to his side. This minor
fact combined with quite a bit of dumb luck and twisted irony made the
landing a not that unpleasant {: a} surprise as she fell back onto him, ending up
in a precarious lip to lip position.
Hotaru placed her hands on his shoulders, and their movements took on a
regular pattern.
I guess this is better than jumping apart and shouting "It's not what it
looks like!". That never works.
What the hell was going {: on} here?! Where were these strange recollections coming
from? How did she get here? And why... why in the hell did she LOVE this
man!?
Setsuna released a cry of frustration and extreme anxiety, which was totally
drowned out by Hotaru as she reached orgasm.
So the Senshi of Silence is a screamer. Setsuna always whispers her
attack phrase....
"Hai..." She blushed, and smiled demurely. Ironic, considering what they'd
been doing just moments prior.
At least they've been introduced. Now. :}b
Hotaru shook her head. "No. {Its : It's}... {its : it's} too just weird."
"What the hell?!" exclaimed Michiru. She tried to get off the bed, but
because of her disorientation and lack of vision, she rolled off{, :} and hit
the {ground : floor}.
"Michiru-mama, are you okay?" asked Hotaru, looking over the edge at her
fallen {mother figure : mother-figure}.
Michiru's eyes opened wide and her jaw went agape she was {balled : bowled} over by a
wash of pleasant emotion and desire connected to those fantasies. That...
that was exactly WHAT she wanted. She wanted to be in his arms, she longed
for his body. She wanted to be with him forever...
Balled over may be appropriate, but I think you meant bowled.
"Do you love us, Ranma?" she asked, "I know... I know this is magical, but
{if : it} feels real."
Haruka grumbled a bit and with a sigh kept on sleeping{: .}
At least one of them is being sensible about all this.
Haruka laughed loudly and gave Ranma a tight hug, then pushed him away
grabbing him by the shoulders with a big stupid {smiled : smile} on her face. "Ranma,
you are {: a} FUCKING BADASS!"
"He's like a {modern day : modern-day} Bruce Lee!" Haruka exclaimed in response.
Haruka blinked, and grabbed a book {of : from} the side of the bed. "Here," she said.
Haruka looked at her lover's {unenergetic : bedroom} eyes. Did Michiru, her lover, just
say she wanted to do the deed with a man? "Are you kidding me?"
Unenergetic just doesn't seem right. I don't think she's depressed.
Setsuna rolled her eyes as she adjusted her robe. "Well Hotaru, this is {big : a fine : a big}
mess we've gotten ourselves into this time." She sighed and took a sip of
her coffee. "I really didn't see this coming."
Hotaru nodded as she ate a bowl of instant miso soup. "Yeah, {it's : it} really is
strange... but at least he's nice, and CUTE!"
Or possibly "it's really strange".
It makes sense for Haruka and Michiru to work together in having their way
with Ranma. I would expect their relationship to each other to remain
important even with Ranma added.