Yes, I'm finally getting to this, after something like a month and a
half. ^_^;; What can I say, I was put off by the sheer amount of
material posted at once (and splitting it up into separate emails didn't
help since they were posted consecutively.)

But hey, I'm still faster than Doug. :P

Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:

    "Oh, Ranma-sama, there you are!"  Kuno Kodachi seized
Ranma's arm and hugged it to her, snuggling against his side.  "I
came here directly as soon as the graduation ceremony at St.
Hebereke's ended.  I'm finally free of that restrictive place, my
dearest, free to devote all of my attention to you."  She pressed
his arm into her cleavage to emphasize her point.

    "Urk."  Ranma's arm felt red-hot; like Akane, Ukyo and
Shampoo, Kodachi was even more attractive at eighteen than she
had been at sixteen.  Fortunately she was still wearing her
school uniform rather than a leotard or a slinky dress.

Then how is it she's got exposed cleavage?

    "I have a delightful evening prepared for us to celebrate
our adulthood together, Ranma-sama," Kodachi continued, ignoring
the two who stood there panting, clenching their weapons, and
glaring at her.

    "Over my dead body," Ukyo declared to Kodachi.  Shampoo
nodded firmly.

SHAMPOO: I agree totally. Over your dead body.

    Daisuke, watching the massacre from a safe distance, nodded
to Hiroshi as the other youth came up.  "Got the pool disposed
of?"

    "Just about.  Too bad we couldn't just keep the money.
There was over twenty thousand yen in there."

    "Hey, now.  That'd be a Nabiki trick."  Daisuke winced as

NABIKI: No it wouldn't. That's fanfic cliche. I *never* ran betting
pools in the original series.

HIROSHI: And Daisuke and I never wrote fanfiction.

GARY: Yeah, that's another-- HEY!

    "Well, Kodachi's pretty hot, too--"  Daisuke did a double-
take.  "Kuno-sempai?  You mean Tatewaki?"

    "Bingo... setting the market odds at about two hundred to
one."

    Daisuke considered.  "Not a bad hedge bet, really."

TSUBASA: Hey! I'm the only one who'd pose as a hedge!

KONATSU: Sorry, but no you're not. I was one of the million billion
ninjas from the Tick. "We're a hedge. Move along, please."

TSUBASA: Darn.

    "Oh, good.  Well, as I was saying, I'm sure they appreciated
being able to finish high school, um, unencumbered.  But maybe
you could...."  Nodoka paused delicately.  "I mean to say, that's
not a problem now.  So if it should happen that any of your
companions present us with a baby, well, arrangements could be
made.  Would gladly be made.  You do understand, don't you?"
Finishing her speech without so much as a blush, she regarded him
expectantly.

    Ranma pasted a #3 smile (Knowing & Worldly) on his face.
"Sure, Momma, I understand."

The author pasted Terry Pratchettism #2 (Goofy Enumeration) into the
narration. :P

IMO, this scene might have made a better opening for the fic, since it
cues up what's presumably going to be the main theme. While I liked the
scene with the principal -- a quality Kahuna appearance is worth its
weight in macadamia nuts -- but it still feels a bit extraneous for this
fic, particularly as the opening.

    Shampoo: "Look!  Shampoo knocked up!"
    Akane, Ukyo, Kodachi, Mousse: "RANMA!"
    WHAM!  CLANG!  POW!  JINGLE!

    Ukyo: "Look!  Ranchan's and my kid!"
    Shampoo, Akane, Kodachi: "RANMA!!"
    GONG!  WHAM!  POW!

IMO, you don't need to use the script-type attributions here. It's
obvious from the dialog itself who said each intro line, and we can
likely guess out who objected, to the extent that we really need to
know.

    Kodachi: "Lo!  I bear the fruit of Ranma-sama's loins!"
    Ukyo, Shampoo, Akane, Tatewaki: "RANMA!!!"
    CLANG!  GONG!  WHAM!  SLICE!

    Akane: "Look what that baka did to me!"

[shakes head ruefully] And you a co-author of the GoETfMFW. Tsk, tsk,
tsk.

    "How did your college placement exams come out?"  I kept
trying to talk to you about them, but you always just brushed the
whole thing off like everything was taken care of.  "My exams

The first person stuff outside of the quotes kinda confused me at first.
If this were on-paper writing, I'd suggest putting the quoted thoughts
in italics, but given the limitations of ASCII, I'm not sure what to
suggest.

    "I can't believe it."  Akane had her face buried in her
hands.  "Ranma, do you WANT to be a ronin, struggling against
impossible odds?"

    The image that came to his mind was not of a student bent
over a table under a single light bulb, surrounded by books, but
of a warrior standing tall on a lonely road, ringed by faceless
enemies.  "Hey, sounds like fun."

Nice joke, but the full explanation there kinda dulls it. IMO, I'd at
least take out the first part that explains what a ronin really is. It
breaks POV, and even people who haven't read MI ought to be able to get
the joke just by context.

    "Ah, to be swept away in your strong embrace!  How happy I
am!" Kodachi enthused over the rush of the wind.

    "Yeah, right."  Ranma dodged a spray of little spatulas
without stopping.  I grabbed one so the others would follow, he
thought, and I grabbed YOU 'cause you'd gain the least by it.  He

Wouldn't he blurt this out loud? Ranma is not noted for tact. :)

    Ranma returned home at suppertime, dragging herself along on
a staff, covered with lumps, bruises, and scrapes.  She could
easily imagine himself a hundred years old, short and wizened

Using "she" and "himself" in the same sentence (to refer to the same
person) is really confusing. Pick a pronoun scheme and stick with it.

    "It's so nice that we can all meet here like this," Nodoka
began, smiling graciously.  "I suppose we've all guessed why
we're here, so since we're almost like family already, I'll get
right to the point.  Now that Ranma has graduated from high
school, it's time he took the next major step in a man's life."

RANMA: Shaving?

NODOKA: Urology exam.

RANMA: Oh.

NODOKA: And in your case, gynecology as well.

    "I'm sure you don't, Ranma, but that's not what I was
asking.  I mean, are you giving the same, ah, attentions to Akane-
chan that you are to your other companions?"

    Ranma's brow furrowed.  "Uh... pretty much, I guess--"  He
blanched suddenly.  "You're asking if I did THAT, with HER?
Hell, no!"

AKANE: So you DID do it with the others?!

RANMA: Huh?

    "Also, I've got a chance to go away to college, and HE
can't," Akane said through gritted teeth.  "He didn't pass his
exams.  He didn't even take his exams!"

    "Hey, you callin' me stupid?"

    "Arrangements could be made to allow that, Akane-chan."

AKANE: Really? Good. [sticks tongue at Ranma] I'm allowed to call you
stupid. Nyaaaaaa!

    ~~~~~ end part 1/3

I thought the developments between Ranma and Akane were very well done.
After so many fics cast from the "Akane turns into a maniac for no
particular reason, driving Ranma into the arms of the author's favorite
character" template, it's refreshing to see a story that takes the time
and effort to show us something that we can believe the characters we
know would actually do.

All in all, it's a great read so far, and as usual carefully edited,
leaving me without much of anything to complain about. :) Now onto the
next installment....


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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