Ginrai wrote:
"Nothing!"
Slamming her hand against the table in front of her, Nodoka
sighed as she stared at the various pieces of paper strewn all over.
For the past half-hour she had meticulously gone through them, hoping
to have found something which she may have missed earlier. Coming up
empty-handed, she began to ponder over what this might mean.
may -- might (just a suggestion)
There were numerous reasons why this happened, none of which
could be proved unless she got sufficient information. The last thing
Nodoka wanted to do was jump to conclusions, considering what they
would imply and especially if her assumption ends up being false.
imply and especially -- imply. Especially (Suggested)
Hand across her forehead, she sighed. "Everything would have
been so much better had the wedding been successful. Then I could have
done this at my own pace."
Well, then it wouldn't be neccessary. If Ranma married Akane, then
she'd only need to check up on the Tendo family, and so....
Also, her biases are showing quite a bit -- seems more like she's
looking for an excuse to write the other girls off than actually making
sure that a given girl is 'acceptable'.
To again have that feeling -- of being one of the family and not
an outcast who just happens to live in the same house -- that's what
kept Nabiki going, hopeful of finding out something sooner or later.
I get the feeling this is going to come back and bite her....
"Okay, I was just making sure. It was extremely difficult to
find this information; the Kuonjis had covered their tracks quite well.
I ended up searching through various areas in the Kansai region without
finding a single thing! Finally got a lead and wound up searching
Osaka. Still nothing substantial; that is until I got lucky and by
chance encountered someone who had information regarding the family of
one Kintaro Kuonji. Well, I really shouldn't say I'm that surprised by
it, considering where they're from, but--"
KINTARO!
*ahem*
Right. Sorry about that.
Gently placing her teacup on the table, not waiting for anyone
else to respond, Kasumi excused herself, explaining that she needed to
go to the kitchen and finish washing the dishes. With every step her
head felt like it was being pounded with a skillet harder and harder.
Skillet... nice touch. Subtle.
What Nabiki had said... this meant that Ukyou lied to her along
with her family. That wasn't very nice at all.
her along -- her, along
"You're wrong, Ukyou-san. Being friendly with others, having
them eat your food, even us sleeping over at your place. In the end it
doesn't work; it _can't_ work. Nothing changes and you should have
known that."
changes and -- changes, and
Pulling him to a seat by the front grill, she brought out some
unused batter along with a pair of spatulas and started on a new batch
of okonomiyaki. "I'm guessing you'll want something to eat while
here," Ukyou said, adding the necessary ingredients onto the food while
doing so.
while here -- while you're here (?)
food -- mix (?)
"Oh?" Ukyou deftly flipped the okonomiyaki over, leaving it
perfectly intact. "And so you decided to visit your cute fiancee for
breakfast?" she asked, flashing Ranma a smile. His words meant that
she had one up on Shampoo.
Shampoo: *wrestling with video game controller* Shampoo soon have
one-up on Ukyou! Only need 15 more coins....
Ukyou nodded before she hurried to finish cleaning up, sighing
contentedly as she did so, a slight hint of red appearing on her face.
So far, it was proving to be the start of a wonderful day.
of red -- of a blush (or not)
Focusing on where Nabiki was, Akane saw her sister answering the
inquiries of other students. Making eye-to-eye contact, she gave a
slight nod before turning back towards the two girls beside her,
affirming Yuka's earlier statement.
And there goes the proof that confirms it....
Seeing Yuka's face cycle through different shades of color as she
was trying her hardest not to throw up then and there, Akane knew that
a number of others were going through similar motions. It didn't
surprise her; a lot of them had ate at Ucchan's.
ate -- eaten (?)
Sitting under a large tree, it's vast shade encompassing him and
his two friends, Hiroshi casually asked Ranma, who was wolfing down his
lunch, "Sucks doesn't it?"
it's -- its
Unsure of what was going on, Ranma stared blankly at his friends.
"What are you two talking about?" he asked, feeling a slight amount of
unease and concern for his friend. From the sound of it, something had
happened to Ukyou and, judging by the way she was acting this morning,
it wasn't anything good.
Two instances of 'friend'. Might want to change the second one, to make
it clearer.
Lunchtime could not have arrived any sooner for her. Being the
period during which she could show her Ranchan just how good of a cook
his cute fiancee is, it was quite easily Ukyou's favorite time of the
day.
is, it -- was, it
It was enough to knock him out of his stupor. He brought out his
hands in hopes that he could help stop Ukyou's from shivering.
'brought out his hands'?
"Ranma, please _let go_ of that girl. If you do not, then I will
take care of this nuisance myself." Nodoka pulled out her katana so as
to emphasize this.
According to history, a samurai could slay a burakumin without needing
to even provide a real excuse. In the modern day, of course....
Nothing made sense for her anymore. Now Nodoka Saotome, whom she
was hoping to one day call 'mother', was suddenly treating her as some
sort of threat.
Should this instance of 'mother' be capitalized? I'm not certain,
myself....
A hand appeared in front of her. She gingerly clasped her own
around it and was pulled off the floor. Ukyou was surprised when she
saw it was Ranma who helped her out in complete defiance of his mother.
out in -- out, in
Only in a joke could Akane have been so malicious....
It was the only way the other students could have ignored her,
hoping that she would leave....
All acting like she didn't exist, as if she was....
"No! That's not true!" Ukyou screamed, louder than she had ever
in her life. Joke or not, it _was_ false. To be labeled as an
untouchable... everything she had lived for would be taken away from
her in a heartbeat.
No restaurant.
No okonomiyaki.
No Ranma.
It _could not_ be true! "You don't have anything to prove this,"
she said almost half-heartedly, hoping against hope that they only made
it up so she would be separated from Ranma.
Ah! She doesn't even know!
Yeesh. I'm surprised... they're acting like she's lying, when the truth
is that she never knew....
This scene was brilliant, by the way, excelent writing.
Backing up a few steps, Ukyou turned to Ranma. She didn't expect
much from him, nor could she blame her fiance for that. She was one of
them. Could she have expected him to embrace her and tell her it's all
right? To even treat her the same as before? To even worry about her
with Akane around?
it's -- it was
Falling onto her bed, she cried, the tears torrid pace unwilling
to slow down for some time.
tears -- tears'
The idea for this story came after reading some of the recent Ranma
fics (note: this was around November of 2000) that involved one of the
characters ancestors being burakumin. Usually it was Ranma and a few
times it was Akane. This gave me an idea of writing one involving
Ukyou.
characters -- character's
And, after almost two years, my muse finally returned to this. The
first thing I had to do was completely revise chapter 1. If you want
to read the original, here's a link to it (hopefully Rakhal will keep
it up):
http://www.rakhal.com/FFMLArchives/FFML-4/2001-01/17529
Though I'll warn you that reading it caused me to shudder after
realizing how bad my earlier attempts at writing were.
Thanks to those in One Hour Group 1 (11/19/00) for their comments on
one section of this fic as well as those in the animefanfics.com (aka
the original Delphi crew) chat room who looked over some parts of this
fic (a _long_ time ago).
Thanks to the following for prereading this chapter:
Durandall
Gary Kleppe
As well as to Dunefar for his C&C.
And a huge amount of thanks to Nick Leifker for his detailed C&C on the
original. Hopefully I was able to fix the problems he listed,
especially the opening.
That was great! Brilliant! I loved it!
Where's chapter two?