Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Fri, 13 Dec 2002 15:10:14 -0700 Krista Perry <krista.perry@attbi.com> wrote:
I always felt that it needed one, and now that the huge story is
whole in my head, instead of still being in the germinating
stages, I'm hoping to make it tighter -- especially since going
back and reading the first few chapters these days makes me
cringe. When I first started writing {Hearst : Hearts} of Ice, I was
tentative and nervous about putting my writing before the public,
and I think it shows. The first few chapters are also riddled
with quite a few "fanfic cliches." Though I didn't know any
better at the time, I'll be taking my editor's ax to them --
hopefully quite thoroughly.
Please enjoy yourself. I look forward to the new version, but don't worry
too much about fanfic cliches; some of them are cliches because they work.
You don't need to change the title. :}b
This story is dedicated to my brother Kurt, without whom I would
still be living in abysmal ignorance of Ranma 1/2, and anime and
manga in general.
Boy, does he have a lot of karma to work off.
At least Akane wasn't mad at him. {Which : That} was a surprise,
actually, since it was sort of his fault they were running late.
Breakfast that morning had deteriorated into an all-out sparring
match with Pop as they fought over Kasumi's cooking, and, after
he executed a lightning-quick move that deprived Pop of the last
of the shrimp tempura, he had ended up getting tossed into the
pond -- which meant that he had to wait for Kasumi to heat a
kettle so that he could change back to himself, since he had no
intention of going to school that day as a girl. For all intents
and purposes, Akane *should* be mad at him, but for some reason
she wasn't, so he was counting his blessings.
Akane stood fuming. "Of course I noticed, you idiot! I
thought you might be relieved that Shampoo hasn't been around
glomping on to you all this past week, but if you miss her that
much, why don't you go *find* her?!" And without waiting to hear
his reply, Akane turned and sprinted off to school again, leaving
an angry, dripping{: , and} female Ranma standing alone in the drainage
ditch.
A tiny part of her mind whispered to her that she could be
jumping to conclusions; that she'd been feeling strange and edgy
all morning, but she turned on it fiercely. She wasn't jumping
to conclusions! All the facts pointed directly to one {result : conclusion},
and that was that Ranma was an insensitive, womanizing pervert.
Hmph! What did she care? He and that Chinese bimbo Shampoo
belonged together!
She hesitated on the edge of the cave. It was so dark
inside that it seemed as though light could not penetrate the
entrance. Shampoo reached into the bodice of her torn, soiled
blouse and pulled out a small, ancient scroll that hung from a
gold chain around her neck. Carefully, she unrolled it, her eyes
scanning up and down rapidly as she {it read : read it} one last time.
Shampoo collapsed to the ground in an exhausted,
unconscious heap.
And was eaten by wolves.
Oh, I guess there's more. You missed a chance to end it quick. :})
"*Well, {great-grandchild : Great-Grandchild},*" the crone whispered softly.
"*It appears you have succeeded. I must admit, I had my doubts
that you would return from the mountain. You are one of very few
who have managed to reach the Ancient One.*"
"Not just yet, child. Drink this first. It will make you
feel better." Cologne handed Shampoo a steaming cup, which she
took and brought to her lips with unsteady hands. The concoction
was bitter -- most of {great-grandmother's : Great-Grandmother's} potions were -- but she
didn't hesitate, and swallowed it down obediently. She smiled as
she immediately felt her old strength flooding through her limbs.
"Thank you, {great-grandmother : Great-Grandmother}." Her eyes began scanning
the hut, searching for...
"Here it is, {child : Child}," said Cologne, pressing the crystal
vial into her hands. "I kept it safe for you while you
recovered."
Cologne's ancient wrinkled face soured into an angry scowl.
"What do you take me for, {child : Child}? I still question the wisdom of
you dabbling with such dark power. Anything bought with a
blood-price is not only dangerous, but often leads to grief."
It was Shampoo's second failure. First, not being able to
take Ranma as her husband as he was by law, and then letting
Akane live. Dishonored twice over.
Wasn't the first failing to kill girl-type Ranma?
"No can kill Akane," she said, her voice heavy with the
knowledge. "No can kill then, no can kill now. You know this,
{great-grandmother : Great-Grandmother}. I kill Akane, Ranma get angry and no spell
strong enough to bind Ranma to me. He stubborn man, he fight it
to his death."
Shampoo nodded, pleased with Cologne's affirmation of her
own understanding of the spell, and caressed the vial of dragon
blood in her hands. "No worry, {great-grandmother : Great-Grandmother}. Shampoo know
exactly what instruction to give."
"Are you absolutely certain you want to do this, {great-
granddaughter : Great-Granddaughter}?" Cologne asked. The old woman's ancient gaze
seemed to burn right into Shampoo's soul. "You have trifled with
Son-in-law for a year now, trying to win his heart. Until this
moment, you have not caused him, or those around him, any lasting
harm. If you cast this blood spell, all of that will change.
Permanent harm will be done, and there will be no going back - -
for *either* of us. Casting the blood spell will commit us
irrevocably from our course. We both will be utterly bound by
Amazon law and honor. There will be no mercy, no fun and games,
and no harmless, friendly rivalries afterwards. The blood spell
is the point of no return."
There wasn't even a moment's hesitation. "I certain,
{great-grandmother : Great-Grandmother}."
Ranma slipped past them with practiced ease. "Hey, I'm not
engaged to no one, {duck-boy : Duck-Boy}!" he denied, also with practiced
ease. "None of this mess was my idea!" He wove through the
attack and landed a fierce punch to the jaw, sending Mousse
flying into the front of the Nekohanten, cracking plaster and
concrete. Mousse slumped to the ground, dazed, his arsenal
falling limp from his sleeves, his glasses askew on his face.
Ranma stood at a ready stance, waiting for the Chinese boy to get
up and resume the battle.
"'Great-{grandmother : Grandmother} and I are on a training mission in
China, where she is teaching me some special Amazon techniques as
part of my training to become tribe matriarch. These techniques
are for women only, so we couldn't have you following us. We
will be back on Tuesday, so have the restaurant ready to open by
then.'" Mousse stopped reading.
As the words rolled off her tongue, Shampoo fixed firmly in
her mind her desires for the spell. The time was fast
approaching, the aura building in strength, swirling around her
with increasing fury. The roar was deafening. She could see {: her}
great-grandmother through the raging dark aura, looking at her
with wide eyes.