Asgeras wrote:

Disclaimer:  I don't own either Ranma or Magic Knight Rayearth.  They, 
along with their respective characters, are owned by their 
creators/ companies.  
 

    Same comment as last time.

    Also, my own disclaimer:

    ... don't use it if it doesn't help you?

    Good enough. This is a new installation of Mozilla, hopefully it 
won't eat the formatting of your e-mail. ^_^;;

*...* denotes thoughts
[...] denotes a panda sign

Magic Knight Chaos
Prologue Two: Adjustments

Saotome Nodoka stared at her guest for a couple of moments, 
unable to process what was happening.  Was what she saw actually true?  
Was it really possible for somebody to change their gender within a 
couple seconds?  Furthermore, was this young man actually her son?  He 
certainly sounded like him, but she hadn't seen him in so long...


Nodoka got up from her seat and walked over to Ranma, taking 
very slow and short steps.   She bent down and took the proffered 
sword from her son, then put it on the table as she knelt down next to 
him so she could look him eye-to-eye.
 

  
    Extra space between these two paragraphs?

    steps.   She -- steps.  She (Extra space)

"Yes, ma'am," Ranma replied, trying not to shiver from the 
dread he still felt. 
 

    ma'am -- Ma'am (being used in place of a name)

Ranma nodded his assent and the room once again grew silent as 
Nodoka pondered what happened to her son.  After a couple of minutes 
she turned her gaze towards his eyes, staring at the solemnity they 
conveyed.  They showed a maturity that should not be their for someone 
so young.
 

    assent -- confirmation

    their for -- there for

"Would you please bring in my husband?" she asked Ranma.  "Be 
sure to take some hot water with you.  I'd prefer to keep the damage 
to my house at a minimum."
 

    Ranma: Damage to a minimum? Why do you want him inside, then?

    Nodoka: Oh, dear. You really are telling the truth.

Ranma bowed once more, then gathered up the kettle and went 
outside to get his father.  He found Genma sitting under a tree, 
trying in vein to stay out of the rain.
 

    vein -- vain

    It's spelled right, but got the wrong meaning. ;)

"Hey, Pops.  Okaasan wants to speak to you," Ranma called out, 
waving the kettle.
 

    Why do you use 'Okaasan' but not 'Oyaji'? I'm not advocating 
unneccesary Japanese, but at the same time, a degree of consistancy is 
good to maintain.

"Saotome Genma, I would have the story of what happened from 
you before I pass judgment," Nodoka said.
 

    Genma: It was the boy's idea, I swear.

    Ranma: POPS!

    Nodoka: So... he felt that having a woman's body would allow him to 
be manlier by better knowing how to please a woman?

    Ranma/Genma: ....

    Nodoka: Then he's manly enough!

"While training Ranma it became necessary to go to China, in 
order to further his training by training under some of the masters 
there.  Then, a couple years after our initial entry, we came upon the 
ancient training grounds of Jusenkyo, a place where legendary warriors 
supposedly trained.   It was a ground that held various bodies of 
water and had several bamboo poles sticking out of each one.  Thus, we 
both leapt up to separate poles, and started attacking each other.  
Everything was going well, until Ranma got a solid hit that sent me 
into one of the pools.  I felt a little strange after I hit the water, 
but didn't think too much of it until I'd already thrown a punch at 
Ranma.  It was then that I realized my arm not only felt, but looked 
quite a bit different.  However, it was too late.  Ranma and I both 
picked up curses and will never be whole men," he finished, raising 
his head to look at his wife.  He'd practiced this speech several 
times before.  Honor would be met!
 

    trained.   It -- trained.  It (Extra space -- just do a global 
search for three spaces, and replace it with two)

"Because I turn into a weak girl.  I turn into something that 
should...well...something that should be..." Ranma stumbled for a way 
to word his feelings "defended, instead of defend."
 

    feelings "defended -- feelings, "defended

"I see."  Nodoka came to a decision.  Actions would have to be 
taken to correct her husbands errors.  He was sometimes a little too 
traditional, even for her taste.  "Genma, do you hereby acknowledge 
your failure and give me permission to do what is needed to make 
amends?"
 

    husbands -- husband's (Unless she's got more than one!)

    Ah. So Ranma is Hikaru, is that it?

"The first thing I can think of was learnin' the 
ne...n..nek..o-ken," Ranma stuttered as he started to shake.  "It 
wasn't too long after we left, I think.  Pops found some manual 
explainin' a move that would make someone invincible and decided to 
teach me it."
 

    An elipses should contain three periods, or four, depending. It 
should contain four when it terminates a sentence, and three when it 
represents something being omitted.

    The spacing on the elipses should be consistant, so can be the way 
you have it, or a space on either side of the elipses, OR a space on 
either side and between each period of the elipses. (Yes, this means I 
use them incorrectly. I plead artistic license. ;)

Ranma lowered his head and tried to repress the memories as 
much as possible, while still continuing to tell his mother what 
happened.  "Pops dug this huge pit and gathered all kinds of 
c...c..cats.  Once the pit was full of 'em, he kept them in there for 
a little while, not feeing 'em.  Then, he smeared some fish past over 
me and...and..."
 

    The final elipses here should have four periods in it, not three, as 
it terminates a sentence.

Ranma fell asleep in his mother's arms after he'd been crying 
for over half an hour.  Nodoka carefully picked him up and cradle him 
to her, trying not to disturb his sleep as she took him upstairs to 
his  room.  There would be time enough for stories and explanations 
tomorrow. 
 

    cradle -- cradled

"Yes, ma'am."
 

    ma'am -- Ma'am (being used in place of a name, etc.)

Within moments, the two were done and sat quietly until she 
finished her meal, which she hadn't even started yet.  *I think I'll 
wait for now,* she thought, giving her food a longing look.  *There 
are more important matters to take care of.*
 

    They wait quietly until she finishes, but she never actually begins....

"Thank you," she calmly stated, getting used to the pace they 
work at.  "Now, Genma, could you please leave us alone to discuss some 
matters?  Besides, I think you have other business to attend to, 
right?"
 

    work -- worked

"Yes, dear," Genma sighed, heading for the door.  It looked 
like he'd have to get a steady job again.  He hated anything that 
didn't deal with martial arts, his family, or his friends.  There's 
an idea.  Maybe he could work at the Tendo Dojo.  He grinned to 
himself as he headed out the door.	

    dear -- Dear

"I trained all my life to be the best.  I used to be the 
strongest and fastest, but when I'm a girl I'm not nearly as fast or 
as strong.  There's nothing good about the stupid thing!  I'm a man, 
not a girl!!  A man!!!" he declared, getting rather riled up.
 

    Extra exclamation points. Are they needed?

Ranma reached behind his head and tugged on his pigtail, a 
sure sign that he was nervous, for the few people that knew him.  
"Well...you see..."   He fumbled around for how to say it, but any way 
he looked at it, it'd hurt her.  "I don't think you'd be able to train 
me, Ma.  I'm pretty good."
 

    see..." -- see...." (Four periods in an elipses, as it terminates a 
sentence.)

He closed his eyes and tried to find his center.   It used to 
be so easy before the stupid curse.  All he'd have to do was look 
within his heart to find a deep contentment that welled from knowing 
he was the best.  From not only knowing that he couldn't be beaten, 
but that nobody would want to.  He'd lived an honorable existence.  
He was a man among men!!  However, he knew that wasn't the case any 
longer.  If only he hadn't gone to Jusenkyo...
 

    Same here, final elipses should have four periods, not three.

She took up her family's stance, brining her sword hand up to 
a perpendicular angle, parallel with the ground.  Her other arm was 
held slightly behind and her feet were a little beyond shoulder width.  
However, looking in her eyes, she didn't seem ready to Ranma.  They 
appeared as they always had.  In fact, now that he thought about it, 
they almost seemed sad.
 

    brining -- bringing

Ranma couldn't believe what just happened.  Not only had he 
lost to someone other than his father, but he'd been defeated by a 
girl.  A girl!!!
 

    Extra exclamation points?

"Hai, sensei," Ranma automatically responded.
 

    sensei -- Sensei (used in place of a proper name...)

Ranma got up and headed for the bathroom, his mind still on 
his recent defeat.  *Next thing I know, I'll have a girl have my age 
beating me up.*
 

    have -- half

"Hey, you leave Pops outta this!!" Ranma said, his voice 
turning hard.  Nobody talked about his father like that.
 

    Extra exclamation points again.

Ranma slowly nodded.  He knew Pops could be a little impulsive 
at times, but that didn't make him a bad father.  Just so long as she 
knew that...
 

    This elipses terminates a sentence -- should contain four periods.

Seeing that she'd hit the right mark, Nodoka continued.  "Some 
of the things Genma said were slightly...incorrect.  In particular, it 
seems that he was a little misguiding when it came to how to treat and 
view women.  It is honorable to protect them and, in general, treat 
them with chivalry.  However, women are far from weak or worthless.  
It's true that women tend to be slightly weaker physically than men, 
but we're able to make up for that in training.  Plus, there are other 
weapons besides the one's you've trained in."
 

    continued.  "Some -- continued, "Some

    the one's -- those

"Really, Ranma?  And how do you propose to avoid cold water 
for the rest of you life?  If I remember correctly, yesterday when you 
came home you were most distinctly female.  Do you expect to go so 
far in your training that you're even able to dodge rain?" she asked, 
raising an eyebrow.
 

    Ranma: Hey... that's a good idea!

Ranma clung to his mother.  She knew she'd have a long trip 
ahead of her and that it all started with her new name:  Hikaru Shidou.
 

    This part doesn't make any sense to me. Why lose the family name? It 
seems to me this Nodoka is rather carelessly stripping Ranma of his 
identity -- first his pride, then his gender, and now even his family 
name. Isn't that a bit harsh?

The End


Well, that's it for now.  This should take care of all the prologues, 
so next chapter we'll finally start seeing some Magic Knight Rayearth 
aspects.  

I originally planned on writing out Ranma's day with his mother, 
shopping for clothes and being trained in the feminine arts.  However, 
I thought that people might be bored with such, so I decided to end it.  
However, if you want to see it, email me and I'll think about making it 
into a side story.  *Yay side stories!!*

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.

Please send C&C to asgeras@prodigy.net , unless it applies to the whole group.  Keep the group spam to a minimum.  ^_^

Asgeras
http://www.geocities.com/asgeras@prodigy.net/index.html

    Well, I'm still curious to see where this goes... so keep it coming.


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