I am SO backlogged.
My semi-standard disclaimer before I begin with C&Cing: Anything I
suggest is just my suggestion, so feel free to ignore it if it doesn't
help you.
Asgeras wrote:
Disclaimer: Ranma isn't mine. Furthermore, Magic Knight Rayearth
isn't mine. They belong to their respective creators, companies,
and other such entities.
Who are....?
http://www.public.iastate.edu/~rllew/anitv.html
MRK is.... Creator(s): CLAMP (Apapa Mokona, Nanase Okawa, Mikku Nekoi,
Satsuki Igarashi)
Ranma 1/2 is.... Creator(s): Rumiko Takahashi
I happened to know those off the top of my head. But, that's just to show
you how easy it is to find out if you don't already know.
*...* denotes thoughts.
[...] denotes the usage of a sign, when Genma is in panda form.
Magic Knight Chaos
Prologue One: A Past Rewritten
Prologue one?
Tokyo seemed cold, gray, and completely devoid of life to
Saotome Ranma, as she walked behind her father, face towards the
ground. She didn't pay that much attention to her surroundings.
Not as if she needed to. The stench of wet panda fur could be smelt
from over a block away.
Saotome Ranma, as -- Saotome Ranma
*Of all the times for it to rain, it had to be now,* Ranma
thought to herself. Things would have been bad enough if they were
in their proper forms, but now....now it was going to be ten times
worse.
This elipses should only have three periods in it, as it doesn't
terminate a sentence. The spacing within the elipses is only required to
be consistant, so it is otherwise used correctly.
Her mind raced back to her earlier days, playing back the
most important memories of her life.
This is an decent hook. Different enough to get our attention. Nice work.
Ranma could hear his parents in the background, while he
looked through a book with lots of pictures in it. Why was it that
all the pictures had people fighting each other?
Genma: *cough* They aren't fighting, Ranma. Um, No-chan, isn't he a bit
young for that kind of thing?
Nodoka: Well, I want him to grow up manly....
Genma's eyes sparkled as he brought out the document that
would allow them to fulfill his dreams. He got behind his son and
guided Ranma's hand, drawing his signature.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
**7 years old**
Why two newlines before the scene separator, and only one afterwards?
Tears of regret rolled down Genma's eyes as he wrapped his
son in fish sausage. *This is the last time,* he vowed, as he saw
the fear in Ranma's eyes. If only he'd read through the manual
before starting this stupid training exercise!
Repetition, 'as'. Easy fix would be:
he vowed, as he saw the fear in Ranma's eyes. -- he vowed, seeing the
fear in Ranma's eyes.
(Remember, only a suggestion -- I happen to be really picky about
repeition, most people aren't, and reading actual novels from the
standpoint of a C&Cer will show you that quite a few professionals
really don't care. So you don't have to either. :p)
Ukyo gasped for breath as he continued his assault.
"St...sto...p, Ranma. Y....you...win," she managed to yell out,
in-between the giggles.
in-between -- between
Ranma heard a cough coming from the side and turned towards
his father. "What do you say to the gentleman that just gave you
such a fine meal?"
Ranma: Me? I say thanks.
Genma: So you do. YOINK!
Now that the meal was out of the way, maybe his father would
teach him some more moves. He could beat Ucchan, but then again,
she's only a girl.
she's -- she was (tenses)
Ranma trudged towards the all boy's school that he'd be
attending for a few months. He didn't get a lot of opportunities to
attend school, but his father made sure that he was educated as well
as possible. After all, as his father so often said, there was no
honor in having a strong body if you also had a weak mind. That, and
the fact that Genma gave him constant lectures on how he wanted "his
son to be better than himself."
"his son to be better -- his son to be "better
If it's a direct quote, Genma would probably actually be saying 'my son'.
Which is another change you could make, if you wished.
As he ran past the classrooms he noticed that a lot of the
one's closer to the lunch hall were already empty. If he didn't
hurry, he wouldn't get anything good!!
Or possibly anything at all....
He barged into the cafeteria just as he heard the lunch lady
call out "Chow Mein Bread," and throw a roll into the air. He
applied all the skill the Saotome School of Martial Arts taught him
and jumped 10 feet into the air, twisting just enough to catch the
bread and dodge the bodies of the other boys who tried to catch it.
A couple minutes later he was sitting under a tree with his prize.
Repetition: 'catch'.
Ryoga looked like a wild animal as he slowly crept up to the
bread. He sighed when he finally got ahold of it and sat down
besides Ranma. When Ryoga finished, he brushed his hand off and
stuck it out towards Ranma.
*snicker*
Something about that scene amuses the heck out of me.
Ranma grabbed onto a nearby log and gasped for breath, as
his father sat on another nearby log.
another nearby -- another nearby (extra space)
**13 years old**
Ranma followed his father as they trudged to the training
grounds at Jusenkyo. They'd seen a picture on a postcard and it
looked like the perfect place to practice. Since the Saotome
School's specialty was air combat it would be an ideal arena, since
it was covered with bamboo poles centered in small pools of water.
13 years old? That's going to make things different.
Quick note, the Saotome school having arial combat as a specialty is
actually fanon, not canon. The closest thing to a specialty we see from
the school is distracting the opponent, or possibly the one trick Ranma
uses most consistantly -- the momentum trick.
Not to say you need to change it -- it's not damaging, and it seems to
fit well enough with the series, and more importantly here, the story
you're writing. ;)
Ranma read the sign that hung over the entrance and smirked
at the title. "Jusenkyo Springs: Pools of Sorrow". He'd read about
all the different types of things that drowned here, but it wasn't
anything to worry about. He might not be as good at aerial combat
as his father, but he certainly wasn't an amateur.
of Sorrow". -- of Sorrow."
"Follow me, boy," Genma yelled as he launched himself up to
the nearest pole. Ranma took off after him, but soon found himself
battling to keep his balance.
boy -- Boy (if it's being used in place of a proper name)
"Remember to keep your center, boy. Otherwise...," he
started, but was cut off when Ranma launched an attack at him.
..., -- ... (No comma needed. Nothing else needs to be changed, except to
drop that comma, either.)
Ranma smirked at Genma as he toppled head over heel into one
of the springs below. "Who's the one that needs to keep their
center, Oyaji?"
'Oyaji' is used correctly, here. It is not a proper name, but as it is
being used in the place of one, should be capitalized.
He waited another few seconds before he saw movement. Then,
all of a sudden, a large...panda?! leapt up from the water and took
him in the side with a swipe from its paw.
It's stylistic, but....
panda?! leapt -- panda leapt -or- panda! A large panda leapt
You could call the repetition stylistic. Or you could ignore me
altogether. ":p
Ranma flew past several springs and had enough time to
position himself for the best possible landing, which all came to
naught as he landed in one of the springs.
Repetition: Landing, landed
I'd change the second one from 'landed in' to 'splashed into'.
He felt a stifling cold surround his body as the waters
enclosed him. He started to swim for the surface, but his body
wouldn't respond right away. It felt almost as if the water was
actually seeping into her body.
wouldn't respond -- wouldn't respond
Thanks to his training in mind an body harmony, it didn't
take Ranma too long to realize what was wrong. He opened his gi to
verify what 'he' already new. Having also been trained in many
different types of meditation and calming techniques, Ranma did the
only thing that came to mind. She feinted.
new -- knew
[We're here.], Genma notified her.
here.], -- here,]
As you are using brackets in place of quotation marks. You could also
simply use quotation marks for panda signs and note that they are panda
signs. :p
Standing in front of her was a large two story house that
she could only recognize by the various pictures her pop carried
around. It was a rather intimidating site, especially considering
the circumstances and current weather. It seemed as if the weather
could almost sense their mood, as lightning illuminated the house in
a rather haunting manner.
She was using 'father' instead of 'pop' previously.
site -- sight
Involuntarily, Ranma reached up and wiped away a tear that
was still rolling down her cheek. Saotome Nodoka turned her
head to the side and backed up somewhat. "Where are my manners?"
she asked herself as she looked at her young guest. "Please, come
inside."
Not, "Who are you?"
"He won't," Ranma promised as she followed Nodoka into the
house, sliding her slippers off at the doorway. Ranma looked around,
studying her surroundings with some trepidation, since she wasn't
able to remember anything too well...
well... -- well....
An elipses should contain four periods if it terminates a sentences.
Ranma sat at the table with her knees folded underneath her,
determined to be on her best behavior. It seemed to take an eternity
for Nodoka to finish, even though it only took a few minutes to
finish the tea. She brought in a tray carrying two cups and a tea
kettle. Both cups had a fine wire mesh placed over them, with dried
mint leaves on the top. Ranma watched with a grave heart as Nodoka
slowly poured some water into her cup and then do the same with her
own. After that, both sieves were gathered and put to the side to
be washed later.
second sentence -- Repetition: finish
Suggest changing: few minutes to finish the tea. -- few minutes to do so.
Ranma slowly prostrated himself before his mother until he
could go not further, making absolutely sure that he kept the blade
in his mother's direction. Then, with a shuddering breath, he
completed the last part of his ceremony. "Saotome Nodoka, I, Ranma
Saotome, hereby return to you having failed to uphold the contract I
have signed. I acknowledge any form of punishment which is felt
proper and shall await your judgment."
You use both orders for their names. Either works, but it should be
consistant.
Whoohoo. Cliff hanger. Yeah. I know it's nasty, but it could be
worse, ne?
Most certainly. Purely at a technical level, the writing was good. More
on this later.
I would like to point out, before I get nasty emails, that I know
Genma's out of character. This is an a altraverse. It's supposed
to show a possibility of what might have happened if Genma's honor
was not only above average, but impeccable. He's still just as
stupid, but now he actually feels sorry for some of the things he's
done. *cough* Neko-ken *cough*
The most important thing to remember in an altaverse is internal
consistancy, which hasn't been an issue yet.
This fic, as well as my others, can be found in the link at the
bottom. As always, all comments are more than welcome, as long as
they don't come in the form of flames. I would remind you, though,
to do a direct reply unless your comment pertains to the whole FFML,
Newsgroup, etc.
This is to the entire FFML, because my criticisms are often less than
perfect. That way if I err, someone like the intrepid Larry F will
comment, and if not, the mighty Adrian Tymes will use it for... something.
Thanks for reading it, and I hope you had as much fun as I did.
I had fun. It was well written, flowed fairly well, and looks to be
interesting. My main complaint is that there's not a lot of it, yet, but....
We shall see. :)
Good luck, and keep up the good work.
Asgeras
asgeras@prodigy.net
http://www.geocities.com/asgeras@prodigy.net/index.html