Ok, I enjoy Ranma/MKR xovers, so let's give this one a try.
By the way, anything and everything I say is mostly what I'd do with it, if 
it were MY fic. I do realise however, that this is YOUR fic, so don't take 
me to seriously. Even if I'm irritating and stuff. You don't agree with me, 
ignore me. I'm told sometimes I come off as too... bitchy, I guess, just 
keep in mind I'm not trying to insult your fic or you, regardless of what I 
may sound like later. Just felt I should say that in advance.

Author's Note:
Someone on FFML recently posted a comment about how there
were very few worthy Ranma and MKR crossovers out there.
Well, this is an attempt at a worthy contribution.

C&C welcome. Don't bother with the kid gloves.

Ok, I won't. ^_^

Updraft


Hikaru Shidou took a deep breath and closed her eyes,
relishing the cool wind sweeping through her face. Umi
Ryuuzaki took her eyes off the road for a moment to cast an
amused glance at her redheaded friend. She then glanced
back at Fuu Hououji, sitting demurely at the backseat.

    They were all in Umi's new Toyota Celica convertible.
It was a high school graduation gift from her father.

I'd rather prefer a description of the car. Personaly, I don't know the car, 
so it's simply another convertible. A color (prolly blue) would be nice too, 
if you don't care for a description.

    "Makes you wonder whether Hikaru is enjoying my new car
more than I am," Umi said cheerfully as she turned her eyes
back on the road. Hikaru opened her eyes briefly and
chuckled.

    "I don't know. I just feel so...free," the redhead took
another deep breath.

    "Miss Hikaru is too busy enjoying herself to be minding
the map, I think," said Fuu, her green eyes darting here
and there, trying to find recognizable landmarks. "This
place doesn't look at all like Ginza."

    Hikaru bolted upright and began scanning the passing
establishments, focusing on some of the street names.
"Oops," Hikaru whispered, hurriedly unfolding the map on
her lap.

Well, I never figured her to be klutz, or scatterbrained, just overly happy 
and cheerful, but I guess this could happen. However, I would try to use 
another excuse to get them to Nerima, instead of them just accidentaly 
getting lost and arriving. Maybe a new mall opened there, and they wanted to 
visit it. I dunno.

    "I heard that, Hikaru. What do you mean 'oops'. Where
are we?" Umi cried, her eyes moving back and forth between
the road ahead and her navigator friend.

    Hikaru shot Umi a wide-eyed, innocent look. "I think
you made a wrong turn, Umi."

    "Me?" Umi asked incredulously and then cocked an eye at
the other. "Well, it doesn't matter anymore."

    "I suppose the important thing to do now is find out
exactly where we are." The two girls in front turned their
heads back to look at Fuu before glancing at each other.
They then burst into giggles.

    Fuu looked at them alternately; the expression on her
face giving the impression that she thought her two friends
had gone mad. "What did I say?"

    "Nothing, Fuu," chorused the other two in a singsong
way.

    Hikaru began studying the map, darting her eyes quickly
between the markings on it and the passing street names.
After a while, she gave up and faced Umi. "Umi, you'd
better pull over. It's hard to track the streets against
the map."

    Umi pursed her lips and then swung the car off to the
side of the road. All three heads bent to look at the map.
Fuu's head came up abruptly, a worried expression on her
face.

    "What's the matter, Fuu," Umi asked, feeling sense of
trepidation after seeing the look on her friend's face.

    "We are in Nerima," was the blonde teenager's terse
reply.

    "So?" the redhead asked, a look of confusion crossed
her face.

    "You really don't get out much, do you, Hikaru? Nerima
has been known to be a disaster area. This ward has seen
more destruction than the last major earthquake."

This is just a pet peeve of mine really, but I don't like it when Nerima 
gains a reputation as a dangerous place, or where weird events happen. It 
kinda ruins the fun of surprise. I'd make them not know about the weird 
going ons, and be shocked at the Nerimans ability to disregard the strange 
and the fighters obscene powers. After all, if it were common knowlodge, I'd 
expect the Japanese National Guard making a ring around it and stuff. Just 
my opinion anyway.

    "Oh, c'mon, quit kidding around, Umi," Hikaru said,
shaking her head in disbelief. "I may not get out much, but
I'm not that gullible."

    "It's true, Miss Hikaru," Fuu interjected. "There have
been many reports of strange occurrences here and sightings
of bizarre creatures. Many people also claim that this
place is home to people who have...unique abilities."

    Hikaru glanced skeptically at both Umi and Fuu trying
to decide whether to believe them or not. "Well, assuming
you both are right and Nerima is a weird place, why should
we be afraid? We're Magic Knights, aren't we?" the redhead
said cheerfully.

    "I suppose--"

    The three girls jumped in surprise and immediately
ducked as the clump of trees just ahead of where they were
parked blew apart. They all looked at each other. Umi had
the "I told you so" expression on her face, which she
directed in full force to Hikaru.

    "You can't be serious, Umi," Hikaru protested, her
voice hushed. "I'm sure that was just a coincidence."

    "Hello!" Umi countered, also in a whisper. "Stop being
so naive, Hikaru. This is just an example of what goes on
here everyday!"

    "Excuse me but why are we whispering?" Fuu asked,
pushing her glasses further up her nose.

    Both Hikaru and Umi looked first at Fuu and then at
themselves. "Yeah, why are we whispering?"

    "Ranma Saotome, you cur! How dare you pummel me through
the trees? Have you no respect for your betters?"

    The three girls looked up just in time to see a guy in
a kendo outfit struggle to get up using his bokken as a
prop. "Where did that guy come from?" Umi asked.

    Just then, another figure emerged from the damaged
clump of trees, drawing the girls' attention. He had long,
black hair tied in a pigtail and he was wearing some sort
of red, sleeveless Chinese shirt over dark pants. He
appeared to be very well built.

Well, the way I understand it, Kuno is supposed to be a Bishounen kind of 
guy, good looking and what not. I'd expect the girls to look a bit more at 
him, specially since he is the one getting pummeled. The dialogue seems 
weird to me too, but who can truly copy Kuno's speech patern anyway?

    "You better stay down, Kuno. Coz I'm getting' really
pissed at your nonsense. For the last time, stop with the
pigtailed girl routine. It's getting old."

    "For as long as blood courses through these veins, I
shall not rest until my pigtailed goddess is released from
your foul sorcery! Um...just give me a minute and we shall
do battle once more, you wretch!"

    "Aww, give it a rest already!"

    "Kuno?" Hikaru's brows furrowed. "Hey, I know that guy.
He's a champion kendoist." Her scowl deepened. "And that
guy is beating him up!" The redhead opened her door and
stomped out of the car.

    "You know, that guy with the pigtail is kinda cute,
don't you thi--Hikaru!"

    "Oh no, Miss Hikaru!"

    "Oh why is Hikaru so...so headstrong! C'mon, Fuu." Umi
and Fuu leaped out of the car and hurried to catch up with
her.

* * * * *

    "All right. I am ready. Prepare to die, Saotome!"

    Ranma let out a sigh of exasperation. "That's it! I've
had it! I've really, really had it. I'm going to give you a
beating you're not ever gonna forget, Kuno." The master of
the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts rushed forward
intent on reintroducing Tatewaki Kuno to his fists.
"Yaaaaah--whoa!" He skidded to a stop as a redheaded girl
blocked his path, from out of nowhere.

Unless he challenged Genma, Ranma isn't the master of the style, regardless 
of wether he is better than him.

    Wait a minute! A redheaded girl! Ranma's eyes grew big
as saucers as he realized that this must be another one of
Happosai's spells. "No, no, no! You're not getting' me
again!" Ranma backed away quickly.

    "That's right. You're not hurting Tatewaki Kuno. Not
while I'm here," the girl said, her eyes narrowing at him.

    "Whatever! Just get away from..." Those eyes...
Noticing that the color of her eyes aren't blue like his
but brownish red made Ranma realize that this girl wasn't
who he thought she was. He began to notice other things
too, like her hair is longer and it's tied with a ribbon.
His evil twin would never do that.

    "Hey, who are you anyway?" Ranma ventured forward
cautiously.

    "My pigtailed goddess!"

    "What the--" The girl was too stunned to initially
realize that Kuno's arms were around her...sensitive
parts...to be able to react properly.

    "My fair maiden! You have come to sacrifice yourself
for me--urk!" Ranma decided to oblige. He gave Kuno a solid
punch on the forehead, effectively knocking him
unconscious. For all his bluster about protecting women, he
sure took advantage of them a lot.

    He grinned and brushed his hands together. "That should
take care of--urk!" Ranma shook his head to get rid of the
stars in his eyes. That was weird. He had the distinct
feeling that his face came in contact with a fist and that
his butt was on the ground. He looked up to see the redhead
glaring down at him.

Eh!?

This part strikes me as odd, if nothing else. Mostly because of Hikaru's 
behaviour. There are several reasons, in no particular order: How does she 
reach the conclusion that Ranma is bullying Kuno? Just because one person 
has the upper hand, it doesn't mean he is bullying the other. And it's not 
like Kuno was trying to run, or calling for help, or anything. And why is 
she jumping to conclusions like that? Hikaru really isn't the type. And why 
hit Ranma? The other guy just grabed her "sensitive parts"! And she doesn't 
give Kuno even a second glance. I would expect her to either check on him, 
if she cared, or hit him if she was offended. But without asking for an 
explanation, I wouldn't expect Hikaru to start fighting. Which leads to 
another point: I can understand Hikaru being an excellent fighter with a 
sword, but to be able to hit Ranma easily unarmed? And drop him? That's an 
obscene amount of strength. And why use that much strength on someone you 
don't even know? A regular person's skull would have probably caved in with 
a blow that fast and strong. And Hikaru doesn't have enough info to know he 
can take that kind of punishment. She also seems to rough and agressive. Why 
is she making fun of him? If she is so obviously superior, she wouldn't rub 
it in. And she hasn't asked for an explanation yet. In fact, she was heading 
back to the car and leaving Kuno on the floor after the third punch, and 
Kuno was the reason she even got off the car. Seems kinda dumb to leave him 
there.

    "Serves you right," she said angrily.

    "Hey, wait a minute! Did you just hit me?"

    "Duh! Would you like to get reacquainted with my fist,
just to be sure?"

    "What did you do that for? I was protecting you!" Ranma
stood up, brushing the dirt off his pants. He towered over
the girl, showing her his angry side for good measure.

    The girl's jaw dropped. "Protecting me? You were
bullying another guy!"

    "You know, you're lucky you're a girl. Coz I don't
fight girls. I don't know how you got a punch through but
you got lucky that one time," Ranma said smugly. "You'd
never be able to--gurk!"

Another pet peeve of mine. Ranma fights girls, he never sais that he 
doesn't. And he doesn't just let them beat on him unless it's Akane. He had 
no problems fighting Kodachi, Asuza, Shampoo, or any others (and there are 
quite a few to name).

    The martial artist found himself on the ground again.
He reached up to rub a sore spot on his jaw.

    "You were saying?" He looked up to see the girl looking
down at him mockingly.

    "Hey, how'd you do that?" Ranma jumped to his feet and
into the ready position. He eyed the other carefully.
"Let's see you do that again."

    "Gladly," the girl said and her right fist shot out
perfectly aimed at his face. Except that Ranma was
prepared. She was really fast but he caught her fist in his
left hand.

    "See?" The martial artist began to smile but it
instantly vanished as he saw her other fist rushing to make
contact and everything went black again.

    Ranma groaned as he struggled to sit up, a hand
covering his right eye. He looked up once more at the girl
with his one good eye (looking up was becoming a habit for
him). Except, there were now three girls looking down at
him. Oh no, Ranma thought in dismay, now I'm having double,
make that triple, vision.

    "What did you do, Hikaru?"

    "Nothing. Just taught this guy a lesson."

    "That's a very interesting lesson, Miss Hikaru."

    Ranma got to his feet slowly and swept his eyes on the
three girls. He realized that they were in fact three
different girls. The one on the right had long, blue hair
and the one on the left had short, blonde hair. He turned
to glare at the one in the middle. The redhead. "All right.
You got me. But that was just strike two."

    "No way! That was strike three," the middle girl said,
her eyes narrowing. "I punched you three times."

    "Well, the first one doesn't count. I wasn't ready."

    The redhead threw up her hands in exasperation. She
turned to look at her companions. "Let's go."

    "Hey, wait a minute! Let's try that again."

    The girl whipped around and eyed him with an expression
of disbelief on her face.

    Ranma shrugged. "What? I just wanna make sure it wasn't
a fluke."

    The blue-haired girl approached him and waved a hand
right in front of his face and smiled sweetly. "Um, hello?
It wasn't a fluke, trust me." She stepped back and wrapped
an arm around her friend's shoulder. "You really don't want
to hurt that cute face of yours. My friend, Hikaru here,
does pack a punch." The girl shrugged her slender shoulders
in resignation.

Again, she is good with a sword, but why her ability unarmed? Even with her 
Knight or Pillar power, unarmed she'd be clumsy and easy to read.

    "That's true, Mr. Pigtailed Chinaman. She--"

    "Hey, I'm not a Chinaman!"

    "Oh, I'm truly sorry," the blonde girl said, seemingly
genuine about it. "It's just your...clothes..."

    The martial artist looked down and suddenly became
self-conscious. "Just don't mind my clothes," he turned to
the girl named Hikaru. "C'mon, one more round."

    Hikaru stepped forward, a half-smile forming on her
lips. "Very well. But let's make things interesting. If I
drop you again, you agree to do anything I tell you to do
for one whole week."

EH?!

Excuse me, but where did THAT come from? Have you ever seen anyone try to 
make a gamble like that with someone you've never even met before? She 
doesn't know his name, where he lives, anything. And she offers that bet? 
Sure, Ranma will take any challenge, but would Hikaru really offer it?

    "One whole week?"

    "One whole week."

    "And if you don't drop me?"

And why would Ranma be happy with the terms? I'd expect him to offer to drop 
her to win the bet. As I said, Ranma has no qualms about fighting women, so 
it wouldn't matter.

    She shrugged. "Then I get to do anything you tell me to
do for the same period of time."

    "For one week."

    She flashed her eyes at him warningly. "Yes! One week.
Okay?"

    Ranma's brows furrowed. The girl did hit him three
times already. He had to slap himself mentally. What was
the matter with him? He defeated a god, didn't he? How
difficult could it be to put a redheaded little girl in her
proper place?

Oh well, Ranma was never one to really learn from his experience, so it's ok 
for him to underestimate others. Unless directly related to Martial Arts, of 
course.

    Hmm...this could actually turn out to be a good thing.
There was this essay he needed to do to get into college,
which was due next week and he hadn't even started it yet.
Plus, he needed to study for the entrance exams so
somebody's gotta do the chores. But will she really do it?

* * * * *

    "Miss Hikaru, I'm not sure that's a wise bet to make,"
Fuu admonished, touching her friend's arm. Hikaru turned to
Fuu and smiled, patting the hand on her arm reassuringly.

    She turned and caught the boy staring at her. He looked
skeptical. "You'll do anything?" he asked. A tad too
eagerly in Hikaru's opinion.

    What a pervert! She narrowed her eyes towards him and
took a step closer. "Anything." Whatever. She won't lose
anyway.

    The pigtailed boy gave her a feral smile and squared
his shoulders. "Then let's do it."

Well, I don't particularly care for the premise, myself. Hikaru meets Ranma, 
jumps to conclusion, fights him, makes weird bet. The whole chapter felt 
like some kind of excuse for them to meet, it didn't really flow as I'd 
like. But then again, that's my opinion. Maybe if you layed down a bit with 
the "coincidences" and stuff, and fleshed it out as bit more, explaining a 
few things (why is Ranma even fighting Kuno, instead of punting him once far 
away? Why is Hikaru so agressive?) it might be better.

Or just don't pay attention to me. I really did mean it with the utmost 
respect, regardless of how it came out.

Juan Pablo Garibotti

- Just giving his two cents -

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