First of all, thanks so much for your comments. Much of them
will influence the rewrite of this story (since I think they
did make sense) and even part of the next chapter.

I have other comments below on your comments:

"Juan Pablo Garibotti" <jp_garibotti@hotmail.com> wrote:

C&C welcome. Don't bother with the kid gloves.

Ok, I won't. ^_^

Glad you didn't

Updraft


Hikaru Shidou took a deep breath and closed her eyes,
relishing the cool wind sweeping through her face. Umi
Ryuuzaki took her eyes off the road for a moment to cast an
amused glance at her redheaded friend. She then glanced
back at Fuu Hououji, sitting demurely at the backseat.

----------------->< snip snip ><----------------

    Hikaru bolted upright and began scanning the passing
establishments, focusing on some of the street names.
"Oops," Hikaru whispered, hurriedly unfolding the map on
her lap.

Well, I never figured her to be klutz, or scatterbrained, just overly happy 
and cheerful, but I guess this could happen. However, I would try to use 
another excuse to get them to Nerima, instead of them just accidentaly 
getting lost and arriving. Maybe a new mall opened there, and they wanted to 
visit it. I dunno.

Like you said, it could happen. God knows, it happened to me
on several occasions. And I don't think I'm scatterbrained, at
least no one has ever told me that to my face (and lived :)).

    "I heard that, Hikaru. What do you mean 'oops'. Where
are we?" Umi cried, her eyes moving back and forth between
the road ahead and her navigator friend.

----------------->< snip snip ><----------------

    "You really don't get out much, do you, Hikaru? Nerima
has been known to be a disaster area. This ward has seen
more destruction than the last major earthquake."

This is just a pet peeve of mine really, but I don't like it when Nerima 
gains a reputation as a dangerous place, or where weird events happen. It 
kinda ruins the fun of surprise. I'd make them not know about the weird 
going ons, and be shocked at the Nerimans ability to disregard the strange 
and the fighters obscene powers. After all, if it were common knowlodge, I'd 
expect the Japanese National Guard making a ring around it and stuff. Just 
my opinion anyway.

You would think the National Guard did know about it. Think about
it though: all those martial artists and bizarre creatures running
loose wreaking havoc everywhere...it's bound to get out. The deliberate
absurdity of the series just keeps realism from creeping in.

    "Oh, c'mon, quit kidding around, Umi," Hikaru said,
shaking her head in disbelief. "I may not get out much, but
I'm not that gullible."

    "It's true, Miss Hikaru," Fuu interjected. "There have
been many reports of strange occurrences here and sightings
of bizarre creatures. Many people also claim that this
place is home to people who have...unique abilities."

----------------->< snip snip ><----------------

    Just then, another figure emerged from the damaged
clump of trees, drawing the girls' attention. He had long,
black hair tied in a pigtail and he was wearing some sort
of red, sleeveless Chinese shirt over dark pants. He
appeared to be very well built.

Well, the way I understand it, Kuno is supposed to be a Bishounen kind of 
guy, good looking and what not. I'd expect the girls to look a bit more at 
him, specially since he is the one getting pummeled. The dialogue seems 
weird to me too, but who can truly copy Kuno's speech patern anyway?

I guess I didn't make it clear in the story but the girls could
only see Kuno's back.

    "You better stay down, Kuno. Coz I'm getting' really
pissed at your nonsense. For the last time, stop with the
pigtailed girl routine. It's getting old."

----------------->< snip snip ><----------------

    He grinned and brushed his hands together. "That should
take care of--urk!" Ranma shook his head to get rid of the
stars in his eyes. That was weird. He had the distinct
feeling that his face came in contact with a fist and that
his butt was on the ground. He looked up to see the redhead
glaring down at him.

Eh!?

This part strikes me as odd, if nothing else. Mostly because of Hikaru's 
behaviour. There are several reasons, in no particular order: How does she 
reach the conclusion that Ranma is bullying Kuno? Just because one person 
has the upper hand, it doesn't mean he is bullying the other. And it's not 
like Kuno was trying to run, or calling for help, or anything. And why is 
she jumping to conclusions like that? Hikaru really isn't the type. And why 
hit Ranma? The other guy just grabed her "sensitive parts"! And she doesn't 
give Kuno even a second glance. I would expect her to either check on him, 
if she cared, or hit him if she was offended. But without asking for an 
explanation, I wouldn't expect Hikaru to start fighting. Which leads to 
another point: I can understand Hikaru being an excellent fighter with a 
sword, but to be able to hit Ranma easily unarmed? And drop him? That's an 
obscene amount of strength. And why use that much strength on someone you 
don't even know? A regular person's skull would have probably caved in with 
a blow that fast and strong. And Hikaru doesn't have enough info to know he 
can take that kind of punishment. She also seems to rough and agressive. Why 
is she making fun of him? If she is so obviously superior, she wouldn't rub 
it in. And she hasn't asked for an explanation yet. In fact, she was heading 
back to the car and leaving Kuno on the floor after the third punch, and 
Kuno was the reason she even got off the car. Seems kinda dumb to leave him 
there.

Overall, your comments here make sense. But I gave comments about
this in an earlier post. It doesn't take much for an experienced but
non-martial arts fighter to get a punch or two, or even three through
to martial artists. I've been able to do it. I got a lot more back at
me for my trouble but here, Ranma wasn't going to throw punches back.
Hikaru somehow knows this (in my mind, I didn't write it in therefore
the reader doesn't, I know, I know) and therefore is more emboldened by
it.

Hikaru's behavior *is* OOC and I now plan to rectify that.

    "Serves you right," she said angrily.

    "Hey, wait a minute! Did you just hit me?"

    "Duh! Would you like to get reacquainted with my fist,
just to be sure?"

    "What did you do that for? I was protecting you!" Ranma
stood up, brushing the dirt off his pants. He towered over
the girl, showing her his angry side for good measure.

----------------->< snip snip ><----------------

EH?!

Excuse me, but where did THAT come from? Have you ever seen anyone try to 
make a gamble like that with someone you've never even met before? She 
doesn't know his name, where he lives, anything. And she offers that bet? 
Sure, Ranma will take any challenge, but would Hikaru really offer it?

Where did it come from? My absurd imagination, of course!
However, I would often go pool halls and play for money against
strangers. In my more reckless youth, I have gambled my
entire week's allowance on a game against someone who I
don't know and therefore have no knowledge of his capabilities.
True, you don't gamble your own self...but if you were
so sure that you would win...think about it. I'd liquidate
my entire property and gamble my entire savings on a lottery
ticket if I knew with absolute certainty that it was the
winning ticket.

You'd have to be a gambling person to understand this. So
the question really is, is Hikaru a gambling person? That
is what I will rectify in the rewrite, I suppose. And
fortunately, I might have just the remedy.

    "One whole week?"

    "One whole week."

    "And if you don't drop me?"

And why would Ranma be happy with the terms? I'd expect him to offer to drop 
her to win the bet. As I said, Ranma has no qualms about fighting women, so 
it wouldn't matter.

----------------->< snip snip ><----------------

Well, I don't particularly care for the premise, myself. Hikaru meets Ranma, 
jumps to conclusion, fights him, makes weird bet. The whole chapter felt 
like some kind of excuse for them to meet, it didn't really flow as I'd 
like. But then again, that's my opinion. Maybe if you layed down a bit with 
the "coincidences" and stuff, and fleshed it out as bit more, explaining a 
few things (why is Ranma even fighting Kuno, instead of punting him once far 
away? Why is Hikaru so agressive?) it might be better.

Or just don't pay attention to me. I really did mean it with the utmost 
respect, regardless of how it came out.

Too late for that. I did pay attention. Thank you again for
your time.

Juan Pablo Garibotti

- Just giving his two cents -

Was that all it was? :)


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