And another long-backlogged C&C....

"Tom Keehn" <zinyadel@hotmail.com> wrote:

Beloved Daughter;

It has been several months since you last wrote me concerning your
welfare.  I write to you today for a matter that I hope will not need

Suggest: on a matter

attending to.

Suggest: ...will not need attention.

I could brag with much wind how fortunate it would be for you to marry
this chap, his family having many resources.  And with my mistake
finally reconciled, I will finally tell father the truth about you,

Father
(capitalize when used as a name)

The tone of this letter seems a bit inconsistent. Most of it is fairly
formal and subdued, but "chap" (for example) is much more of a
colloquialism.

"I hope he falls for this," she muttered to herself.  She hit the
record button and spoke into the small device in her hand.  "Go away,
Konatsu."  She paused for dramatic effect.  "I need to be alone."  She
then clicked the recorder off and sighed heavily.

KONATSU: Yes, Ukyo-sama.

UKYO: Not YET! You're supposed to go away after you play back the
RECORDING!

KONATSU: Oh, sorry.

After a slight hesitation she went about rigging the recorder so that
it would play when the door was opened and rewind when it was shut.

Neat trick. ^_^;;  Could she maybe get one of those recordable talking
dolls? That might be a bit more believable, though then you'd have the
problem of the acoustics not being good enough to fool anyone.

It was a difficult thing to do, requiring a lot of string and an hour
or two of botched setups before she got it working.  Thankfully she
had given Konatsu a shopping list that would take most of the day
completing.

Suggest: most of the day to complete.

The chef contemplated leaving the spatula, as there was no way she
could stuff it into the packs she was taking with.  Ukyou undid the

she was taking along.
(or)
she was taking with her.

"No more," she muttered, letting go of the spatula.  The weapon
clattered on the floor, the sound like a death nell.

knell.

Turning away, Ukyou shouldered her pack and paced over to the window.
She opened it and ducked through the opening, launching herself off the
sill to land perfectly with a skill known only to the resident martial
artists of Nerima.

And the Amazons, and a whole bunch of other martial artists from the
manga, and presumably a bunch that we don't know about. :)

To her surprise it was not her annoying suitor, but a dark haired boy

dark-haired

(Like that's a noteworthy physical feature in Japan. 9.9)

wearing dark clothing and holding a camera protectively away from her.
She vaguely recognized him from her class but could not find a name to
fit the face.  There was something about the boy's eyes that gave her
the impression that the boy had not slept in weeks.

Suggest: that he had not slept

"N-n-now hold on," the boy stuttered, getting up to his feet.  "I swear
I'm not taking pictures of you for my personal benefit... well maybe my
financial benefit, but not for... my personal use."  The boy ended his
meager defense, taking two steps back to get a head start in making a
run for it.

GOS: After all, i-it's not like I'd actually derive any pleasure from
looking at your pictures.

UKYO: IS THAT SO?! *fume*

GOS: *ulp*

Ukyou hauled him back by the hair the moment he turned to run.  "Who
could you possibly sell these too?" she demanded.  'Ranma?' she thought

to?"

Ukyou took the note and stuffed it into her kimono.  "Thank you."  It
was time to teach the boy some manners about taking pictures of a girl
who happened to be out of panties on Friday.

Huh?

It was quite familiar to the girl, not really needing her attention yet

attention, yet

it had been so long since she had come home.  She walked up to the
painted white, stone wall that fenced in their grounds.  She walked

painted white stone wall
(because "painted white" desrcibes the stones, not the wall)

Ukyou pushed the black gate open, the slight stickiness of the rails
suggesting it had been recently painted.  She wandered to the front
door, setting her pack down against the frame for the moment.  Deciding
to avoid the confrontation with her father for the moment, she headed

Two uses of "for the moment" in adjacent sentences.

Stepping into the cleared space of white gravel, Ukyou allowed herself
a sigh of relief.  Here she felt truly at home.  This small ring meant
for sparring had been the center of most of her childhood, ever since
Ranma had left.  Here she had trained with Granddad until he could
teach her no more.

I thought she'd trained by the sea. Was that later?

Her opponent did not press the attack any further, stepping back a
pace.  The antagonist was a girl with red hair that was pulled up into
two tufts of hair that vaguely resembled a cat's ears.  The girl wore a

Suggest: two tufts that
(we already know it's hair)

Ukyou whimpered in frustration as her head was held in two slender
hands and lips were pressed against hers.  Her hands found the girls
stomach and she pushed the girl back.  The girl giggled as Ukyou wiped
off her mouth with the sleeve of her kimono.

IMO, way too many repetitions of "the girl" in this scene. Use more
pronouns, or reveal a name earlier.

"Ranma is a boy!" Ukyou hissed back, refraining from shouting her words
least Granddad hear them.

Think you mean "lest" rather than "least".

Ukyou was at a loss for words.  These past few days, the way her life
with Ranma, if it could even be called that, was steadily falling
apart, simply prevented her from coming up with any response, logical
or half-ass.

half-assed.

Kiten pitched forward, her body making a complete arc to land painfully
on her bottom against the graveled surface.  The girl yanked her wrist
free and shook it a couple times.  "That hurt you know," she whimpered.

hurt, you know,"

Ukyou sighed in frustration, letting the girl go.  She remember another

remembered

Her Granddad nodded, taking a long pull at the cigarette he was
nursing.  "I pity the Kurenai family having such a deviant son,"
Granddad said with a sigh.  "I suppose it'd be different if he had
actually enrolled as a girl in a girl's school instead of parading
about in a dress at an all boys' school.  The shame his family bears
must be great indeed."

Ukyou's eye twitched.

Heh. This one worked well by leaving the joke unsaid.

"Zenkei Gyosha," the boy declared.  "My family recently moved her as

moved here as

"My father thinks it would be best for me if I settled down with a girl

>from an old family," Gyosha continued.  "He said your family came with

good references with only a slight mar concerning the fact that your
father is passing you off as a boy to the head of your household and
something concerning a delinquint arrangement for your hand several
years ago."

Ukyou sighed.  "How do you know so much about this?" she asked,
studying the wooden floorboards intently.  They were a lovely color of
white.

GYO: I've read all thirty-eight volumes of the series.

UKYO: Oh.

"Look on the bright side," Kiten said cheerfully, as she handed a small
container of ice cream and a spoon to Ukyou.  "At least the Zenkei's

the Zenkeis
(or)
the Zenkei family
(only use apostrohpes for contractions or possessives)

"Honestly you're not the type of person that lets people to get to know

"Honestly, you're

you," Kiten remarked.  "I understand it's the same even with Ranma.
Something catastrophic has to happen for you to yield how you're

Suggest: to reveal how you're

I'm absolutely terrible.  I've combined what was supposed to be an
independent series with my older Cas series just because.  Still I hope
I did a farely good job portraying Ukyou.  All the other characters,
(other than Gosunkugi and Ukyou's father) are my own so I'm not too
worried about how they came out.

I thought Ukyo came across quite well in this chapter; certainly I found
it easy to sympathasize with her compared with some of your previous
ones. The question of whether she would accept the arranged marriage
made for an interesting conflict.

What didn't interest me nearly as much was the stuff with Kiten. She
didn't give me ANC signals as much this time around, but neither did she
really add much to the story, IMO, and her scenes took time away that I
think could've been better spent exploring Ukyo's reactions to the
engagement.

I liked Gramps, BTW. His inability to see Ukyo's true gender is an
interesting character flaw that, coupled with the authority he weilds,
gives him a lot of good possibilities.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'