Dave: Here we go again.
Suzi: Chapter 3, eh? How many are there?
Dave: Too many if you ask me.
James: Fourteen.
Suzi: Someone save me.
Ranma 1/2
Chapter 3
Back To The Present
Suzi: Oooh, Christmas time!
About a month later, they had destroyed the farm. Shana did not
want to live there in the happier time of her life.
James: That must have been one hell of a honeymoon.
That had been about nine days ago, and they had been traveling all over
China since. They arrived at a huge mountain range. {"Juesenkyo."} Shana
muttered.
Dave: Nine days to travel all over China>? Wow.
Suzi: China must've been a lot smaller then...
{"So, this is where big bad Juesenkyo is, huh?"} Orion said to
himself.
{"We should leave."} Shana told him.
Suzi: Hear, hear!
Dave: Agreed. Can we go now?
James: No.
Just then, Orion felt a shiver rise up his spine. He ran to
Juesenkyo with Shana running behind him. Orion stopped shorts of the pools.
James: An infestation of shivers, how horrible.
Dave: Why is he wearing shorts?
Suzi: And why is he stopping them? Take em off!
James & Dave: ...
{"Dammit, you lousy piece of s---! I'll get you, DEMON."} Orion
yelled.
{"What's wrong?"} Shana asked.
Dave: The author's attempt at a plot is floundering, that's what.
{"A demon has joined with Juesenkyo and is drawing power. I
won't be able to attack it until it comes out of the earth."} Orion answered.
{"How you know a demon is here?"} Shana asked. Orion slapped his
forehead.
James: I get a tingly feeling in my left ass-cheek.
Suzi: That's just from sitting here and reading this.
Dave: This a rather convenient plot point. The "oh yeah, here's a plot
point" syndrome.
James: Plot has to start somewhere, I suppose.
{"I have never told anyone this, but I was born with the gift of
magic."} Orion began to retell his life.
Dave: Do us a favor and disappear.
{"So, you're from the future and you were sent here because of a
horrible accident."} Shana said summarizing what Orion had told
her. Orion nodded.
James: That's correct. The Ex-Lax lab tests went wrong. So horribly
wrong.. <weeping>
Suzi: I keep saying this is a piece of s--
Dave: SHH!
Suzi: Close enough.
{"The demon will most likely attack years into the future and I
won't be able to stop it alone. I'll need you and some other martial
artists."} Orion declared.
Dave: Sorry. We're all out of martial artists. Would you settle for a
graphic artist or two? Or how about a mime?
James: Okay, let's pause a second. <pauses the fic> Within the space of a
half dozen paragraphs this guy detects a demon in Jusenkyou of all places,
suddenly has magic powers, and decides he has to fight said demon with a
bunch of martial artists? What's wrong with this picture?
Suzi: True, I'm getting a real sense of ultra-convenience here. Like
developing a plausible plotline just got to be too much work.
Dave: Plus, given that this dude has magic powers of some sort, why are
*martial* artists the first thing he thinks of to fight a demon
with? You'd think he'd want more wizards, or even another demon. Or at
the very least a team of commandos or something. I'll give you three
guesses who these martial artists are gonna be, and the first two guesses
don't count.
James: Rather convenient way to introduce the need for the Ranma cast,
yes? Convenience abounds in this fic. Rather like the French.
{"Why me?"} Shana asked.
Suzi: Punishment.
{"Would you rather stay behind while go on an adventure?"} Orion
countered.
James: Now that you mention it..
Dave: Well, there *is* a tax seminar I wanted to catch...
{"No."} Shana answered.
Suzi: Aww, hell...
{"And besides, I may be able to resurrect your sister after the
demon is defeated."} Orion announced.
Shana smiled and hugged Orion.
Suzi: He must really hate her sister.
Dave: What makes you say that?
Suzi: He's threatening to bring her into this fic after she successfully
escaped.
James: Never thought of that..
(Author's note: Yeah, right. You're really disgusted because you
didn't think of it first. And remember she is VERY open minded.)
All: ???
Dave: What the hell does that mean?
Suzi: Like I have a clue.
James: I haven't been this confused since I saw "Dungeons & Dragons."
Suzi: If he's implying what I think he's implying, then he's really doing
it badly.
James: Quite right. I didn't get anything like what he seems to be
suggesting from that little hugfest.
{"So. How we going to live until the demon comes back?"} Shana
asked.
Suzi: <as Shana> I know! We'll make pottery out of bamboo and horse dung,
and we'll sell them to Swedish midgets with speech impediments!
James: <looks at Suzi like she's grown an extra head>
Dave: Suzi, I'm worried about you. Seriously.
{"Easy. We'll take a hyper dimension. It will accelerate time
so half a minute
James: Hyper dimension?
Dave: <nodding> They'll be living in a Starbucks.
Suzi: Huh?
Dave: With all that coffee, who WOULDN'T be hyper?
there will equal one day here. And the best part is that we won't age, so
we'll literally be less than one year older."} Orion replied.
Suzi: The true secret behind Dick Clark.
James: He's old enough already, anyway.
{"How long will we be in this hyper dimension?" Shana asked.
Dave: Until the caffeine buzz wears off, honey.
Orion shrugged.
Shana indicated that she was ready. Orion opened a glowing gate
and the two leaped through.
Suzi: Don't y'all come back now, y'hear!
(Authur's note: Warning. I have a compulsion to put in an
occasional commercial)
James: "You've seen the great 'Hearts of Ice'... You've read the modern
classic 'Waters Under Earth'... And you've experienced the nerve-wracking
suspense of 'Ill Met By Starlight'... But what happens when something goes
horribly wrong? This Sunday, only on Fix... When Fics Go Bad IV!"
(We see Ranma-chan underwater.)
Dave: <licking lips and drooling>
Suzi: You pervert.
Dave: Ehh.. heh heh..
"Aloe vera. Keeps you skin young, healthy and beautiful." the
annoucer says off screen.
(We see Mousse-duck swim by.)
"See you later, alligator." the annoucer says.
Suzi: Bite me. PLEASE. Anything to distract me from this beast...
(Ranma-chan's cheeks are turning red. She breaks the surface of
the water.)
Dave: Must've been that 'hard water' stuff I hear so much about.
"Why did I ever trust Nabiki to give me a decent job. And that's
a duck, not an alligator." Ranma-chan yells at the announcer and director.
James: Who cares? They both taste like chicken.
"Remember, Ranma. You kept screaming when we tried to put the
alligator in. Besides, it not like we don't have an experienced editing
crew." the director counters.
(Author's note:We're seeing this on public T.V.)
Suzi: That's a contradiction in terms.
James: Very true. No one watches PBS.
Dave: The name says it all. Pretty Boring Sh--
James & Suzi: DAVE!!
(Standard disclaimer and the credit goes to whoever wants it.)
(End of Commercial (Thank god.))
Suzi: You took the words right outta my mouth, sweetie.
(Author's note:Present day, Japan.)
Dave: Oooh, Christmas again!
"Good morning, Ranma." Akane said sweetly in Ranma's ear.
James: <as Ranma> Good Morning, Anti-Christ!
Ranma muttered a response.
"You were such a man last night." Akane continued, still sweetly.
Dave: <as Ranma> That makes two of us!
Ranma's eyes shot open. He jumped up and babbled "Wha...?! Huh?!
What did you say?!?!"
James: Spring-powered eyelids... wow.
Suzi: Yep, The Bionic Pervert.
Akane laughed. She no longer just beat up on Ranma, she now
tortured and confused him. Ranma noticed she was already dressed.
Dave: Not hard to confuse that boy. Just ask him for his zip code.
"Jeez. You'd think some people would grow up." Ranma said
angrily. Akane laughed again. Ranma shooed her out of the room so he
could dress.
James: <as Ranma> Out! Out, damn tomboy!
Suzi: When did he start wearing dresses?
Dave: <drooling> Mmmm... miniskirt...
When he was finished dressing, the two walked down stairs.
Suzi: This sounds like they're doing something new.
Dave: Perhaps they walk down walls normally.
Suzi: I'm certainly being driven up one.
The Tendo dojo hadn't changed much, except for the fact that
Nodoka was moving in. She had revealed that she had known that Ranko was
Ranma and that Mr. Panda was Genma. Both father and son asked how she had
known.
James: A sword-wielding nutjob moving is "not changing much"?!
Dave: Par for the course in the Ranma universe.
Suzi: <pauses the fic> Okay, hang on. This is another thing I really
can't stand in a fanfic.
Dave: Lack of plot?
Suzi: Well, that too. I mean this kind of summarizing of major events.
James: I see what you're saying. This last paragraph gave us what amounts
to massive changes to the Ranma story, and he's not telling us why.
Suzi: Got it in one.
Dave: I see it now. It's like seeing "Oh yeah, Third Impact happened,
too." in an Evangelion fic.
Suzi: Precisely. What he's saying has happened needs much more in the way
of an explanation that just saying that it happened.
James: The least he could have done was write it into some kind of
narrative. Would have read better.
Dave: You can polish crap all you want but it's still crap, and the only
thing you'll get out of it is a dirty hand.
Suzi: <turns a little green> I wouldn't have put it quite that way, but
you seem to get the idea.
"Oh, come now. You two stink at acting. And besides I knew
something was up when your father stopped writing." Nodoka answered.
Suzi: That's not his acting that's stinking, dearie. Pandas don't bathe.
As punishment for not telling her right away, she forced Ranma to
move in with Akane and Genma had to promise to never to interfere with
Nodoka's plans.
Dave: <As Nodoka> A nice panda rug would look *great* here, don't you
agree dear? Dear? Where did you go, dear?!
Akane also decided to reveal that she had known all along that
Ryoga was P-chan, and she used P-chan try and get Ranma to admit his
feelings. Ranma stared her down and she admitted she knew when Ranma began
calling Ryoga 'P-chan' and P-chan 'Ryoga'.
Dave: Another example of too little info on something that needs MUCH more
explanation.
Suzi: I fully expect to see an Author's Note somewhere down the line that
says "Oh, yeah! Kasumi has a degree in molecular biology!"
James: If I see another example of the "I don't want to deal with this"
cop-out, I think I'll defect to France. <shudder>
Suzi: Wow..
After Akane revealed this, Nabiki scolded Ranma for not telling
her about Ryoga's little secret. Well, until she realized Ryoga didn't
know that Akane knew. The scolding stopped.
Dave: See Nabiki. See Nabiki plot. See Nabiki grin.
James: See Ryouga. See Ryouga panic. See Ryouga run.
Dave: See Nabiki blackmail.
James: Run, Ryouga, run!
Suzi: <sighs> Great... I'm living in a children's book.
Dave: <flexes muscles> Yeah, "Where the Wild Things Are."
Suzi: I was thinking more like "Fun With Dick and Dick."
Dave: <blinks> No, Dave and James.
Suzi: Yeah, but you're both d-
James: I get the idea, lass.
Ranma tried to convince his mom not to put him in Akane's room,
but was quickly stifled when Nodoka started to reach for her katana. The
subject was closed.
James: <as Ranma> Please, mom! Anything but that! I'll wash
dishes! I'll do windows! I'll even eat her cooking!!
Suzi: <as Akane> Oh, Raaaaaaaaanmaaaaaaaaaaa.... <holds up a frilly
white dress> Let's play dress-up!
James: <as Ranma) Auuuuuuuuuuuuughh!!
A lot has changed since we last saw Akane and Ranma.
Dave: I thought he said that things hadn't changed much.
James: Just since we last saw them.
Dave: We last saw them a minute ago getting out of bed.
Suzi: Lots of things can happen in the space of two paragraphs.
Akane has grown her hair out to her shoulders and become a full woman.
James: Ranma, you sly dog you...
Dave: <as Ranma> I didn't do nuthin! Besides, why would I want to do
anything with that tom--URK!!
Suzi: Will you shut up for just a few lines, please?! Sheesh!
Ranma has added a bit of muscle to his arms and has grown about an inch.
Suzi: <drooling> Oh REALLY, now...
Dave: Hypocrite.
James: I don't think that's what he meant, Suzi.
Suzi: <still drooling> You think what you want, I'll think what *I* want.
As Ranma and Akane got to the living room, they find out the
Genma has eaten his breakfast and theirs. So, after thoroughly pounding
Genma, the two left for school.
Today, the two had gotten up early enough so they weren't in a
hurry. Ranma decided that they should leech some ramen from
Shampoo. Akane complained about having to eat ramen in the morning, but
she was too hungry to complain for long. As they arrived at the Nekohaten,
Colonge met them.
James: Colonge?
Dave: That sounds like a bad sound effect. Eh, Suze?
Suzi: You may be on to something... <whips out a frying pan and hits Dave
in the face> [COLONGE] You're right, Dave!
Dave: <from the floor> uuuugghh...
"Did your father eat your breakfast again son-in-law?" Colonge asked.
James: No, he bought me a 1973 Corvette and told me my father is Bill Gates.
"Yeah. Do have enough ramen ready for two?" Ranma asked.
Suzi: <as Cologne> For two normal people, sure. For you it's not even a
mid-day snack.
James: <as Ranma> Funny, ghoul. Ever thought of going into showbiz?
Suzi: <as Cologne> Yeah, but they canceled the only show I could get onto.
James: <as Ranma> "Ripley's Believe It or Not?"
Suzi: <as Cologne> How did you know?
James: <as Ranma> Just a hunch.
Colonge disappeared into the Nekohaten and returned with two
bowls. "Just bring the bowls back after school." Colonge told them.
Dave: <from the floor> Sure, but could you put some food in them first?
Ranma and Akane thanked Colonge and walked off. They finished
the ramen before they reached the school.
The day passed with the normal incidents (namely Kuno), but
otherwise it was quite boring. They brought the bowls back to the
Nekohaten and walked home.
Suzi: Wow, he goes into a lot of detail for just some bowls.
Dave: <now back in his chair> And not a whole lot of detail for much else,
either.
"Hey, Ranma. Notice that Shampoo hasn't been around to grab you today?"
Akane said realizing it as they stopped at the gate into the Tendo dojo.
"Yeah. That's unusual." Ranma replied.
Dave: <as Ranma> I was wondering why I was having such a
"good-breathing" day. I haven't had my lungs crushed yet.
Suzi: <as Akane> That can be arranged, you know.
As they walked in, Soun met them. "Akane, I just got a call from
the airport. Some american student and his fiancee want to rent the
training hall as another room. Would you please go and bring them here?"
Soun asked.
James: <as Soun> Fetch, Akane! Fetch! Good martial artist.
"Why did Nabiki talk you into that crazy deal anyway?" Akane asked.
Dave: <as Nabiki> Because it's in my character, bozo. You wouldn't want
me to be <gasps> *Out-Of-Character* would you??
Suzi: <laughing hysterically> Don't start THAT old thing again..
"Because, with you two always fighting, we need more
income. Remember who nearly bankrupted me with their last little
squabble?" Nabiki answered.
Dave: I give up. Who?
Suzi: Ben & Jerry. With that many girls in one house, you KNOW there has
to be mass-consumption of ice cream and other yummy goodies.
"Alright. Come on, Ranma." Akane said grabbing Ranma's hand.
James: Speaking of yummy goodies...
Dave: How did Ranma's hand come off and why is Akane carrying it around?
"Wait a minute, Akane. Hey, what's this american guy's name?"
Ranma asked Soun.
Suzi: Daaaaaaaaaaviiiiiiiid LETTERMAAAAAAAAN!
James: ...
Dave: No more late-night TV for you, Suze.
Suzi: Aww..
"He said it was Orion. Orion Fleiss." Soun replied.
James: Is that really such a good idea?
Suzi: What?
James: Putting someone named Fleiss in a small house surrounded by a lot of
pretty girls.
Dave: <snicker> I wonder if Nabiki will handle the marketing...
Suzi: <grumbling> Sickos.
"Wow. It must be neat being named after a constellation." Akane
said to herself. Ranma muttered something about the stupidity of the name.
James: Yeah, I'm sure it's "out of this world".
Suzi: ...
Dave: ...
They got to the airport quickly (Mainly because Ranma picked up
Akane and leaped there).
Suzi: Wow, one jump?!
Dave: And he's even practicing his skills at picking up chicks on
the way, too.
They asked six couples before they saw a young man in chinese clothes next
to a young chinese girl. "Might as well." Ranma told Akane.
Dave: Let's not and say we did, 'k?
Suzi: Yeah, leave 'em there. They suck.
"Excuse me, but are you Orion Fleiss?" Akane asked the young man.
"Yeah. Let me introduce you to my fiancee, Shana." Orion
said. Shana bowed. Akane and Ranma followed in suit.
James: Why are they formally dressed?
Suzi: Huh?
James: They're dressed in suits.
Suzi: <rolls eyes> It's just a misused figure of speech.
James: Ahh.
"Well, it's going to be a long walk back." Ranma declared after
brief introductions.
Suzi: <as Akane> Not for you, pervert. <whips out The Mallet>
Dave & James: <both duck for safety>
Dave: Put that thing away!
"It's no problem. Besides, it will give us a chance to get to
know each other better." Akane said.
James: Oooh, sounds like Akane's getting into the pervert act, too.
Dave: Heh... Didn't she get pissed at Ranma for saying something similar
to Shampoo in the beginning of the series?
Suzi: <as Ranma> Akane you bitch! <whips out mallet and WHAMS Dave> Yeah,
I think she did.
Dave: <from embedded into wall> ...
Orion slowly began to tell a story that was very
convincing. "So, you two met in China while you were on a hike. That's so
romantic." Akane said smiling.
James: What's so romantic about a hike?
Suzi: <shrugs> Heck if I know. It's just trees to me.
"Yeah, I had purchased this necklace in a town as something to
remember my trip by, but when I met her, I just gave it to her." Orion said.
Dave: Nabiki's gonna LOVE this guy. Buying necklaces on a whim and giving
them to girls he just met...
James: Yeah, she's gonna go hog-wild over this guy.
Suzi: Hog-wild? I think you're confusing her with Akari.
James: No, Nabiki's confusing enough.
Suzi: What would make you say that? She seems fairly straightforward in
most fanfics.
Dave: She's a woman. Therefore she is confusing.
Suzi: <tapping mallet on her hand> Wanna explain that a little more?
Dave: Er, no..
"So, how do you know so many languages? I mean, I'm having
trouble in english." Ranma asked.
Dave: <as Orion> Oh, it was easy. I just used this. <holds up his copy of
"Writing Fanfic SI Characters for Dummies">
"Some people just have the gift to learn one or more languages,
some don't." Orion answered.
James: Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Suzi: Sometimes you don't.
Dave: ...
"Anyway, didn't your parents object to your being engaged?" Ranma
asked.
Suzi: <as Orion> They may have, but the six feet of dirt over them kinda
muffled their screams a bit..
James: Ouch. Dark.
Ranma bit his tounge as both Orion and Shana lowered their
heads. "Our parents died a long time ago as did her sister and all of my
relatives." Orion said sadly.
James: Just proves that no one gets out of this fic alive.
"My mom died when I was young, too." Akane said.
Suzi: <as Akane> We were in the kitchen one day, and I wanted to
show her the soup I'd made.. <sniff> I didn't know it would jump out of the
bowl and eat her!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Dave: <plays an imaginary violin>
Ranma aplogized for bringing the subject up.
Suzi: Now apologize for bringing my breakfast up.
James: Ranma didn't have anything to do with that, my dear.
Suzi: I was talking to the author.
James: Oh, all right then.
"You have no reason to aplogize, you didn't do anything. And you
couldn't have known about what happened." Shana told Ranma.
Dave: Aplogizing? That's a new dance, right?
James: No, I think it's some kind of seizure.
Suddenly, they all stopped. "Wow, I didn't even notice we had
even gone very far." Akane remarked. In front of them stood the huge door
of the Tendo dojo.
James: Is this what you Americans means by "going all the way"?
Dave: Er.. no.
Suzi: Not quite, Jimmy.
"Well, time to introduce you to our families." Ranma
announced. Then he sighed in despair.
Suzi: <as Akane> This is my father, Lee K. Faucet.
Dave: <as Ranma> And my parents, Worthless Bastard and Sword-Wielding Nutjob.
The introductions were lengthy, especially when a majority of the
Ranma 1/2 gang showed up (all of them have grown and fully matured).
James: As opposed to what, still being in their larval stage?
Shampoo, Colonge, Ukyo and Kodachi decided that they could like Shana
because she wasn't after Ranma, while Ryoga, Mousse, and Kuno decided that
they could like Orion because he wasn't after Akane, Shampoo, or the Pig
tailed girl.
Dave: Can't we all just get along?
Akane took Orion aside and told him about most of what she knew
Suzi: A worthwhile five seconds, I'm sure.
(excluding curses). Orion, in turn, took Shana aside and told her what
Akane had told him. But, trouble broke out when Kuno decided that Shana
also loved him.
James: I'm sure she would.
Suzi: How do you figure?
James: She'd just *love* him roasting on a spit over a nice crackling
fire. Roast Beast.
"Come to me, my love!" Kuno shouted, pulling out a rose (He
Suzi: Any guesses where he was hiding that one?
hadn't had a chance to pick up a bouquet). Shana grabbed one of Kuno's
arms, twisted it so he was in front of her, and shoved him into the ground.
Dave: YES!! Buried alive! I love it!
James: Sorry to ruin your day, chap, but I think she just shoved him TO the
ground.
Dave: Aw..
"Brother dear!" Kodachi yelled, moving to help her downed
brother. Orion blocked her path.
"No, no, no. Naughty, naughty, naughty." Orion said to Kodachi.
"Ki-Rope Surround!" Orion yelled. A ki bolt shot from Orion's hand and
tied Kodachi up. The rope extended from Kodachi shoulders down to her ankles.
Suzi: <shivers> Ooh, the bondage scene!! Me next! ME NEXT!!
James: Hmm.. The possibilities here are amazing. <lecherous grin>
Ranma whistled his appraisal. Shana had hog-tied Kuno in two
Dave: What is he appraising? Kodachi, all tied-up? Or the new pair's skills?
James: Kodachi. That's my guess.
seconds flat. Ranma whistled again. Then, Orion and Shana grabbed the duo
and after asking Akane where the Kuno household was, hurled them in that
direction.
James: <as Kuno> I can see my house from heeeere!
Suzi: <as Kodachi> That's because it's rushing towards your face, you
imbecile.
"Anyway, we're going to need to be here for a while. So, about
that room...." Orion said, turning towards Soun.
Suzi: <stops the fic> Okay, that's the end of this chapter. Any thoughts?
Dave: Yes, but they mainly involve a rope and a nice high rafter.
James: Oh, come now.. It's bad, but it's not THAT bad.
Dave: All right, maybe not. But this chapter was moderately bad.
Suzi: I'll agree with that. This chapter triggered one of my biggest pet
peeves of fanficdom, the major-event-summary thing I mentioned earlier. I
*really* hate that.
James: Quite true. There's also the bit at Jusenkyou, where the author
tries a very obvious and rather lame attempt to give a reason why he'd need
to involve the Ranma cast in future events. It didn't make any
sense. <snort> His first thought to fight a demon is to get some martial
artists.
Suzi: <nods> That was kinda a half-brainer. "I have a hangnail! I need a
martial artist!" or "I have a proctological exam at three o'clock! Get me
a martial artist!" would make about as much sense.
James: And probably more entertaining, too.
Dave: "Ranma Saotome: Proctologist." Now there's a fanfic I'd love to read.
Suzi: Sure, but it would be a pain in the ass to write.
Dave & James: <groan>
Suzi: Heh. Well, in any case brace yourselves for chapter 4, it's coming
up shortly.
Dave: So's my lunch.
James: Shh. It's beginning..
<to be continued>
Red Death
Archivist, Fanfic Reviewer & Author
Proprietor, Ranma 1/2 Superhighway
http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/superhighway/index.html
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