Finally getting back to some people now that the really rough version of
chapter 2 is done:

DB Sommer wrote:

Weee. More DitR. That gets moved to the head of the C+C list:

Ack. Man, I don't even want to think about how many projects were
completed in the time it took me to reply to this e-mail. >_<

Heh.

"You are most correct," the woman agreed.

Tsuruko: Who would you recommend? That Su girl or Mutsumi?

Mutsumi, as she hasn't yet been introduced. :p

I hoped so. (DB, Mustumi fanboy at large)

Gah. >_<

"I imagine it would."

Heh. We finally get to the punchline. Forgot the state he was in. Nice

work.

Hooray! It worked! ^_^

Most of it does.

Suu and Sarah's eyes sparkled brightly as they stared upwards at Ranma,
still clinging to his legs.

Sarah too? Why? Suu's the glompy one.

She wants a ride. Remember how Keitaro arrived?

Good point.

knelt, checking her pulse. "She's breathing
fine,"

Sarah: I can take care of that. Here's a plastic bag to fit over her

head.

Oh, she'd only do that to Keitaro, who's probably just live through it
anyway.

True. He is the human roach of the series. No matter how much force you
employ, you can only stun him temporarily.

Sighing, the woman

women

No, no, she's singular. :p Suu and Sarah are just girls.

I see.

 finally released Ranma, who quickly extracted himself

>from the two girls,


My, I'll have to use that one in my next lemon. ^_^

... will reword. O_O

You don't have to. Besides, I wasn't able to use it in the lemon. :(

The sound of wind blowing across the roof filled the room for a long
moment,

Hmm. More stretched out time. Of course a 'moment' isn't a specific

measure,

so it's more appropriate here. :)

The idea is the slow-pan of a room with wind effects or the like... not
sure if it worked.

Not for me. But I usually don't visualize that sort of thing when I'm
reading, so I'm not the best person to judge if it worked or not.

I'd put in more plain 'said's. I know they aren't as descriptive, but I
think in a lot of cases the emotion is conveyed in the dialogue and more
extravagent words are redundent.

Hmm. Nah, there are only three in the entire chapter, now.

Okay. As long as you cut back on them.

Mitsune blinked, staring between Ranma, Keitaro, and then the completely
stunned Aoyama sisters. "Oh, dear," she murmured. "Are you sure?"

Ranma: Drop your pants and bend over, and I'll  show you how straight I

am.

O_O

Well, it would get his point across. :)

Ranma: Hey! I was young, and I really needed the money. Besides, it

takes a

man very confident in his heterosexuality to sleep with another man.

Yes, I did rip that last half from 'This is Otakudom.'

Actually it was from 'This is Ohtakon'. :(

It's too perfect.

"They want to use me like a woman!"

"Then you'll need to show them you can take it like a man."

-- Volunteers

Heh. Like that one too.

Seriously, that is very direct for Ranma. I take it it's supposed to
indicate he's not as reserved as he once was?

In a small part. It's also to show he's nearly as easily goaded.

Kay

Keitaro blinked a few times, then covered his

nose with both hands and began to back away, while Tsuruko murmured,
"Oh, my," and placed a hand across Motoko's wide eyes.

True. He's about to lose points with Moto now.

Like he wasn't before?

The difference between being -10 and -1000. :)

"Oh, Ranma," Tsuruko piped up, waving her free hand at him. "I believe
you're interested in men, as well!"

What makes her say that?

She's trying to get him to kiss her, too.

Yeah. Someone explained how the wording worked and it finally clicked on
what she was saying. It was a blind spot on my part.

Probably for the best. Naru might hit him for allowing a man to kiss her
lesbian lover, or some other silly reason.

....

I seem to remember an AMV set to the trailer from 'Another Teen Movie'
that had Naru seducing Motoko....

Have to catch that one one of these days.

"'With a Ranma, things get really weird,'" Suu parroted at him, dropping

>from a hidden handhold along the ceiling to cling to his back. "What's a

'strange'? Is it delicious?"

I think you meant 'weird'?

He said 'what a strange day'. It's also kind of a joke on the japanese
word 'hen', but....

Okay. I thought she was quoting the first bit of her line.

Heh. Of course he would jump to that conclusion.

Interesting that Naru assumed he was gay rather than swinging both ways.

Well, most of the LH cast tend to see things in terms of black and

white....

True.

�_�

Maybe two, at this rate. Let's aim for July of '03.

Heh. I know lots of writers like that. Have to go bug Jurai Knight again.

Mitsune smiled, touching a finger to her lips and looking distant.
"'Stolen kisses are, a part of a sweet youth that, vanishes

think you'd be better off dropping the commas.

It's a haiku. Those denote the line breaks. I'll leave 'em in since it's
preferable to breaking the entire thing up just to preserve the format.

I see. It wasn't obvious to me.

Motoko grimaced, as the conversation dropped below her hearing level,

and

pulled her ear from the door for a moment, pursing her lips as she
considered what to do next. The rushing sound of the door sliding open
startled her, and she froze, eyes opening cautiously. Mitsune stood by,
surprised, and only centimeters away from Motoko herself.

"Uh-oh," the woman whispered.

Which one? Should specifiy here.

Well, I've been refering to Motoko as 'girl', and this is from her PoV,
but... I'll clarify that.

Okay.

Ranma stood behind Tsuruko, and rolled his eyes. "My! Do try not to

Almost seems like Ranma should be talking. Make it more clear it's

Tsuruko.

I'll have him roll his eyes after her speech.

That should work.

And thinking of that hole, he could only think of
the person who lived on the other side of it.

Now that has some serious sexual connotations to it. :)

I never even considered.

I have a dirty mind. I see sexual cannotations in comments about the
weather. :P

Ranma made an absent noise

But if he was absent, how could be make noise? :)

He is... SNEAKY LIKE NINJA!

Heh

observed hesitantly, but Motoko was certain the girl was trying to mask
an amused smile. For her part, Suu seemed to take the entire thing in
stride,

Suu takes practically everything in stride.

'Practically'?

She didn't take her engagement in stride. It bothered her. :)

knees, granting her the appearance of nothing more than an exceptionally
tall child. Shinobu looked more mature than she felt at the moment.

Actually she usually is. :)

'Usually'.

Compared to the others she's the mother hen. :)

"Perhaps he's not as wicked as you make him out to be," Tsuruko said,
slightly more sternly. "I am not doing this to you to be petty,

Tsuruko: Well, actually I am. But there are other reasons as well.

That would have been funny, were it not spot-on. :p

Heh

Ranma chuckled, shaking her head. "You're going to get really bored if
you don't let go, because I'm going to

pound you with boards." DB wanted him to say. :)

I sense... I sense... that Mr. Sommer doesn't like this character!

You would be right.

... or I could be wrong.

Which is probably connected to the Fountain of Youth, knowing some of

the

bizzare things at the inn.

There's a thought.

I'm sure if the series went long enough, there would be a youth regression
thing. :P

Keitaro joined them after a moment, Sarah knocking him sprawling into

one

of the craters from the morning battle until Haruka restrained the girl.

Eh? was he knocked into one crater, or did she do it lots of time?

Lots of times. Will clarify.

Yeah. Wasn't sure about it.

"A part of the true Oe Ronin-Ryu," he said quietly. "I... I think."

"You... win," Happosai wheezed. "Now get off me!"

May, that was really easy. How did he do it?

Wouldn't HE like to know!

I would too. :P

about Kei boy being gay probably shouldn't go on too long. If nothing

else

Mitsune will figure out why she's moping and explain what's going on,

since

her friend's in genuine misery. Since the kiss, it might be interesting

to

see if Mitsune pursues Ranma. Good potential there as well. Looks like

some

matters have been taken care of and more potentially interesting

situaitons

are to come. Prose flowed well, except where I pointed it out. Working

in

small bits makes getting an overall feel for a fic hard,though.

Thanks for taking the time to C&C, and sorry for taking so long to get
back to you. :p

No prob. Now give me more to C+C. :)

D.B. Sommer



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