Yes, that's right. 22 months later, and I've finally finished the final
part of my silliest story ever. For those few who have been following
the adventures of Ash Wednesday and crew, here's the epic conclusion of
the story. For everyone else, I'll be finalizing a much more emotional
chapter of a different story soon and sending that right on. In case
anyone wants to refresh their memories of what's gone before, check my
webpage for both Pokenet and its sequel. The link's at the bottom of
this E-mail, as always.
ASH: If you remember, last time, I managed to pull off an incredible
acting job that convinced the President of Armenhammer that I was in
fact Archduke Baking Soda, buying us a bit more time to investigate the
murder of the real Archduke.
MISTY: Of course we remember! Now quit recapping and help us figure out
what to do next!
JENNY: What CAN we do? The helicopter lead was a dead end. We've run out
of clues.
ASH: I know a dog named Blue who's got plenty of clues!
Misty bashes Ash on the head with a mallet.
MISTY: When will YOU get a clue?
ASH: Hey, come on! Admit it! If it wasn't for me, we'd never have fooled
the President!
MISTY: If you and your idiot partner hadn't screwed up in the first
place, we wouldn't have HAD to fool the President!
BROCK: Hey! Leave Pikachu out of this!
PIKACHU: Pika? Pi?
JENNY: Look, can we just get back to the case, please? We bought
ourselves some time, but we still have to figure out who killed the
Archduke!
ASH: Why do we need to do that?
Misty screams in rage.
MISTY: Have you forgotten the whole point of this investigation?
ASH: Not the WHOLE point... just what we're investigating.
MISTY: If you don't get it through your thick head pretty soon, we're
going to have another murder to investigate!
ASH: Yeah, the entire population of Indigo Island that will die if we
can't figure out who killed the Archduke!
MISTY: Then... you DO remember?
ASH: (scratches head) What was the question?
Misty screams again and raises her mallet to bash Ash, but a
limousine pulls up to the curb and the Mayor leaps out.
MAYOR: Stop! Don't hit that boy! We'll need every intact brain cell we
can get to solve this crisis!
MISTY: Don't expect Ash to help much with that...
JENNY: What's the crisis, Mayor?
ASH: Are aliens abducting the townsfolk and sucking out their brains so
that each one of them can only say one line over and over again for the
rest of eternity?
MISTY: ... That happened a long time ago, Ash. Where were you?
MAYOR: There's no time to argue! Armenhammer knows about our deception!
They've launched the missiles!
JENNY: WHAT?
ASH: He said, "Armenhammer knows -"
JENNY: I know what he said!
MAYOR: This is serious business! We have to do something!
Officer Jenny pulls out a communicator.
JENNY: Ruri, what's the status of the missiles?
ASH: You called that little box Ruri?
MISTY: Ash, that's a communicator. She uses it to talk to other people.
ASH: What's wrong with using her mouth?
Misty bashes Ash with her mallet.
RURI: (deadpan) Idiots.
JENNY: Ruri, status report now!
RURI: (deadpan) There is a proliferation of missiles approaching from
Armenhammer.
ASH: Well, then there's no problem! We'll just tear along the
proliferation!
Misty bashes Ash.
RURI: (deadpan) I take it back. HE'S an idiot. Everyone else is normal.
The Mayor begins to tear his hair out.
MAYOR: The missiles are heading right for us! What can we do?
ASH: I know! Put up a sign saying "Indigo Island this way" and point the
arrow in the wrong direction!
MISTY: Ash, you moron, that'll never work! Missiles can't read!
BROCK: Right. We'd better leave the words out and make the arrow twice
as big.
JENNY: We should just ignore those two, Mayor. The rest of us can come
up with a plan.
MAYOR: I hope so... but maybe we should call in outside help, just to be
sure.
JENNY: Understood, sir. (to communicator) Ruri, send in... The Expert.
RURI: (deadpan) The Expert is on her way.
ASH: Could you get her to bring fries with that?
MAYOR: Officer, who is this "expert?"
JENNY: A magic expert, of course!
ASH: Ooh, I know some magic too!
Misty slaps her face with her palm.
MISTY: Even if I don't ask, I know you're going to try to show us your
magic. So go ahead.
Ash fans out a rather large deck of cards with a variety of colored
backs.
ASH: Pick a card, any card.
BROCK: Sure, why not?
He takes one of the cards.
BROCK: Hey, this is one of Sakura's Clow Cards!
MISTY: Don't tell me you stole her cards!
She snatches one of the cards and looks at it.
MISTY: A tarot card? You stole Hitomi's cards too?
ASH: Please, just let the magic run its course.
JENNY: All right, but once this is over, I'm hauling your butt in for
theft!
She takes a card.
JENNY: This one's just an ordinary playing card. Who'd you steal this
from?
ASH: Misty's backpack. Now, everyone concentrate on your cards...
Misty bashes him with her mallet.
ASH: I felt it! This time, I really felt the answer hitting me!
Misty groans.
MISTY: Whatever! Just tell us what to do with these cards!
ASH: What cards?
MISTY: (steaming) The cards you told us to take!
ASH: Oh, right. The Shield card, the Ace of Wands, and the Four of
Clubs. Just keep them. I've got plenty left.
Everyone looks at their cards.
MISTY: That was amazing! Those are exactly the cards we picked!
ASH: No, don't try to make me feel better. I knew you'd hate my magic
trick.
JENNY: It's a fine trick. But how will it help us against the missiles?
ASH: Good point. I don't think missiles know how to play cards.
A red-haired woman in red clothes and a flowing black cape lands in
the middle of the group.
WOMAN: Card tricks? You people need to learn the power of REAL magic.
JENNY: Lina Inverse! You got here just in time!
LINA: Before the missiles hit, you mean?
JENNY: No, before Ash says anything else stupid!
Brock's eyes turn into hearts.
BROCK: Nobody ever said that the Expert was a girl!
RURI: (deadpan) I believe I mentioned that she was on "her" way.
Brock darts from one side of Lina to the other, critically examining
her chest and hips.
BROCK: (shakes head) Hmmm... flatter than Misty. I'm afraid she's just
not my type.
MISTY: (seething) How dare you use me as a standard for comparison!
She hefts her mallet to pound Brock, but Lina holds it back.
LINA: Allow me.
Lina points her palm at Brock.
LINA: FIREBALL!
A fireball shoots out of Lina's hand and incinerates Brock.
MISTY: That's not bad... can you teach me to do that?
LINA: No. So, what's our situation?
BROCK: I'm very badly burned...
RURI: (deadpan) The missiles will hit their target in approximately
fifteen minutes.
ASH: Then we've got to get the target off of the island fast!
RURI: (deadpan) Will someone please hit him for me?
Misty pounds Ash on the head with her mallet.
PIKACHU: Pika!
Pikachu zaps Ash.
LINA: Don't mind if I do. FIREBALL!
Lina fries Ash with a Fireball.
ASH: Too late... the target... has been... destroyed.
He collapses.
MISTY: I think that may have been a bit much...
RURI: (deadpan) Fourteen minutes until missile impact.
JENNY: Forget about Ash! Have you forgotten that we have a crisis on our
hands?
ASH: (leaps to his feet) I think soap is good for that.
LINA: Ignoring Wonder Boy here, we have nothing to worry about.
Remember, I've still got my magic.
MAYOR: No offense, Miss Inverse, but a few fireballs will hardly be
enough to stop a full barrage of missiles!
LINA: The Fireballs are just for annoying jerks like your detective
friends here. For real threats, I use the heavy artillery. I can take
out all of the missiles at once with my Dragon Slave.
ASH: Is slavery legal?
BROCK: Only for medicinal purposes.
LINA: (screaming) I can't take much more of this!
ASH: How do you think *I* feel? I get malleted or shocked or blasted
every time I say something stupid!
LINA: Has it ever occurred to you that if you stopped saying stupid
things, that wouldn't happen?
ASH: Actually, I never thought about it that way... it just might work!
LINA: (relieved sigh) Finally!
ASH: (shakes head) Nah. On second thought, it's too simple to work.
Lina screams and begins to glow brightly.
LINA: FIREBALL! FLARE ARROW! DAMU BRAS! BURST RONDO! DRAGON SLAVE!
At the end of her outburst, Ash is nothing more than a pile of ash
in a crater in the middle of the street. Lina breathes heavily from the
exertion and brushes the hair from her eyes.
LINA: Well, that takes care of that!
JENNY: Normally, I'd haul you in for murder, but in this case, I'd call
it justified.
BROCK: At least Ash is living up to his name now.
RURI: (deadpan) Twelve minutes.
MAYOR: Can we please stop fooling around and focus on the crisis at
hand?
Ash stands up and stares at his hands.
ASH: You're right! I need to wash my hands!
MISTY: (grumbling) Weren't you dead?
ASH: I had a continue.
MISTY: Lovely.
JENNY: Can we use that? Could we use Ash as a human shield to block the
missiles and rely on his ability to regenerate?
MISTY: I'd be tempted to do it, if he wasn't going to spring right
back...
ASH: Now there's an idea! We get a giant spring and bounce the missiles
right back where they came from!
MISTY: Fine. Who cares if he comes back to life? Let's blow him up!
BROCK: Now, what's wrong with his plan? It always worked for that
coyote!
JENNY: Nothing EVER worked for the coyote. He always ended up falling
off a cliff.
BROCK: Exactly! And since there are no cliffs anywhere around here, the
missiles would have to end up someplace else!
Officer Jenny kicks Brock off a nearby cliff.
MAYOR: (stares) Exactly how long has there been a cliff in the middle of
Main Street?
LINA: (sweatdrops) Actually, I think I might have done that...
MAYOR: At this rate, there won't be anything left of the city for the
missiles to destroy!
MISTY: I suppose that's one solution to our problem...
RURI: (deadpan) You have eleven minutes to come up with a better one.
ASH: Why don't we hit the PAUSE button?
Everyone stops and blinks in confusion.
MAYOR: The WHAT?
ASH: Not the what, the PAUSE button!
MISTY: This isn't a video game, Ash! There is no PAUSE button!
ASH: Oh.
He takes a small controller out of his pocket and throws it into a
trash can.
MISTY: What was that, Ash?
ASH: That was the magic controller with the power to pause things and
move me around at will, like in that TV show.
MISTY: Have you had that in your pocket the entire time?
ASH: Where else would I have kept it?
MISTY: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?
EVERYONE ELSE: You didn't ask.
MISTY: Fine... then I'll ask! Do you have ANYTHING at all that can help
us stop the missiles?
ASH: Let me see...
He starts pulling things out of his pockets and tossing them into
the trash.
ASH: Radar jammer... anti-missile laser defense system...
missile-chaff... ooh, a piece of pocket fluff! If we had three more...
MISTY: Pocket fluff? THAT'S what you think will help?
ASH: You're right, you're right. That's no good. (throws the fluff into
the trash can) Nope, I don't have anything that will help.
JENNY: What about all those things you threw in the trash?
ASH: Well, they're gone now. The trash man's tossing them in the truck
right now.
EVERYONE ELSE: WHAT?
TRASH MAN: He said I'm tossing all your garbage in the truck.
The trash man puts the empty trash can down and pulls the lever on
his truck. The trash compactor begins to crush everything in the truck.
JENNY: Stop it! Don't destroy that stuff! We need it to stop the
missiles!
TRASH MAN: Too bad. It's gone now.
ASH: Darn. And I had such big plans for that pocket fluff.
TRASH MAN: Oh, I saved that. You can have it back if you want.
He hands Ash the pocket fluff.
ASH: Hey, thanks!
TRASH MAN: No problem. I couldn't let a perfectly good piece of pocket
fluff go to waste.
MISTY: I give up. What's so great about pocket fluff?
TRASH MAN: Forty-two! No, that doesn't work.
He reaches into the pocket of his nightgown and pulls out a colorful
towel.
TRASH MAN: Ah, well. A few more blocks to cover and I should be able to
meet Ford at the pub on time.
JENNY: Hold it! Can you tell us anything about stopping missiles from
blowing us up?
TRASH MAN: No, but I can tell you exactly how improbable it is that
they'll turn into a pot of flowers and a sperm whale.
JENNY: Why would that help us?
TRASH MAN: Forty-two! No, still doesn't work.
He shakes his head, climbs into the truck and drives away.
MAYOR: Who was that man, anyway? I don't remember hiring him as a trash
collector.
JENNY: Just another random cameo, I expect.
RURI: (deadpan) Eight minutes left. You'd better come up with something
soon.
Brock finally climbs over the lip of the cliff.
BROCK: Sorry. I came up empty-handed. That was a long climb.
JENNY: You'd better not have been looking up my skirt while you were
climbing up.
BROCK: Of course not! It was hard enough just keeping my grip!
JENNY: (eyes him dubiously) All right... I guess I can believe that.
BROCK: (elbows Ash) Did you hear that? I think I finally got this
"lying" thing figured out!
Jenny kicks him and sends him flying off the cliff again.
ASH: Too bad he still has to work on his "bragging".
Everyone starts to laugh, then stops as they realize who made the
joke.
MISTY: Did Ash just say something that was actually funny?
RURI: (deadpan) I'm not laughing.
JENNY: All right, pal! Who are you, and what have you done to the real
Ash? ... And why do I care?
BAKING: I'm not Ash. I'm Archduke Baking Soda of Armenhammer. Nice to -
Misty brains Ash with her mallet.
ASH: Geez, what's wrong with you? Can't you take a joke?
MISTY: Not from you, Ash Wednesday.
MAYOR: Are you all QUITE through playing around?
ASH: Not quite. Give us another few minutes.
MAYOR: We don't have another few minutes!
RURI: (deadpan) We have seven of them, in fact.
MAYOR: This is serious business!
ASH: Really? What are you selling?
MAYOR: AAAAAAARGH! Miss Expert, I hate to ask, but -
LINA: FIREBALL!
Lina's fireball engulfs Ash and vanishes, leaving him unharmed.
ASH: Hey, I didn't even feel that!
LINA: (sarcastically) Great. I was afraid of this. It must be "that time
of the month".
ASH: What -
LINA: DON'T ask what "that time of the month" means, or I'll kill you.
MISTY: But what does it have to do with us?
LINA: It means I can't use my magic anymore. Having to blow Ash up so
many times probably used up what little magic I had left.
MISTY: Wonderful. So Ash has ruined yet another otherwise perfectly good
plan.
ASH: Just be glad you're not Misty. For her, it's always "that time of
the month".
Misty clobbers Ash with her mallet.
MISTY: Only when you're around.
LINA: Hey, good luck with those missiles. I'm getting out of here before
I get blown up too.
JENNY: Isn't there anything we can do for you?
LINA: Not really. But you might want to keep that idiot away from me
from now on, for his own good.
She leaps onto a rooftop and disappears from sight.
ASH: Wow... she's so cool. I bet a girl like her could destroy all of
those missiles, no problem!
MISTY: She could have, if you hadn't made her use up all of her magic
first!
ASH: Well, I'M not the one who told her to blow me up all those times!
MISTY: You know, that is a good point...
She smacks Ash with her mallet.
MISTY: But I don't care! We're all going to die in a few minutes, and so
help me, I'm going to find a way to blame you for it!
JENNY: It might be more productive to find a way to stop the missiles.
Misty bashes Officer Jenny with her mallet.
JENNY: Ow! That really hurt!
MISTY: Oh, sorry! I was just so angry, I couldn't think!
ASH: You must get angry a lot.
Misty tries to hit Ash with her mallet, but Officer Jenny grabs it.
JENNY: Stop this! Don't you see? We're all fighting each other when we
should be working together!
MISTY: So? We've only got five minutes left before we all die! What good
can we do at this point?
RURI: (angry) Hey, lady, do I steal your lines?
MISTY: (into the radio) DON'T CALL ME LADY?
Misty reaches into the radio and smacks Ruri with her mallet.
JENNY: I think Misty's violence has gotten completely out of hand.
ASH: No, she's still holding the mallet in her hand.
Misty raises her mallet, then lets it drop.
MISTY: I give up. I just don't have the energy anymore.
ASH: Do you think Pikachu could help? It's got a ton of energy.
PIKACHU: CHUUUUUU! (zaps Ash)
ASH: Yeah, like that. (collapses)
JENNY: Now, there's an idea. Why don't we all just kill each other? Then
we won't have anything to worry about when the missiles hit!
MISTY: I'm sorry, really! It's just that Ash is SO stupid that it's
impossible to resist!
JENNY: Well, is there any way we can use that stupidity to our
advantage?
Everyone stares at her.
JENNY: Right... forget I asked.
MISTY: No, wait, that might work! If Ash can say something stupid around
the guidance controller for the missiles, they'll all be diverted to hit
him!
JENNY: Misty, stop. Listen to yourself. Think about what you're saying.
MISTY: Yeah, you're right. That's a stupid idea. We'd never get Ash to
Armenhammer in time.
JENNY: (sighs sadly) It's really true. Stupidity IS contagious.
ASH: Think we can infect the missiles with it?
JENNY: Somehow, I doubt they'd be affected by it.
ASH: Really? I heard that Armenhammer was using smart missiles.
JENNY: NOTHING about this day has been smart! It's just been one
horrible joke after another!
ASH: You mean life isn't really supposed to be like that?
RURI: (deadpan) Life is fleeting. And yours is about to be over in three
minutes.
ASH: Wow, I'm so lucky! I actually know exactly when I'm going to die!
RURI: (deadpan) Hooray.
ASH: Do I get to make a free phone call?
JENNY: No, Ash. That's when you get arrested.
MISTY: Besides, you don't even know how to use a phone. Don't you
remember what happened last time you tried to make a phone call?
ASH: Yeah. Those goddesses screwed everything up. They gave us a broken
van, and Skuld still owes me a wish!
Everyone stares at him, blinking several times in surprise.
MISTY: I remember that... Skuld canceled your wish, and said she'd owe
you one later.
JENNY: Well, that's the answer, then! You can just call her back and
wish for us all to be safe!
ASH: You want me to waste my own wish for the good of everyone? I can't
believe how selfish you all are!
MISTY: YOU'RE going to die too, you know.
ASH: I know what's going to happen! Don't talk to me like I'm stupid!
MISTY: ... said the pot as it called the kettle black.
ASH: Shut up about your cookware and let me handle the situation.
Ash pushes Misty aside and turns his face to the sky.
ASH: Hey, Skuld! I'm ready to make that wish you owe me!
Brock climbs over the lip of the cliff again.
BROCK: Wish for a girlfriend for me!
Skuld descends from the sky, landing on Brock's head just long
enough to make him lose his grip before stepping onto solid ground.
SKULD: Okay, make it fast. Things are busy in Asgard, and I don't have a
lot of time.
RURI: (deadpan) Nor do we. There are only two minutes left before the
missiles strike.
SKULD: Wait... you mean THIS is the place that's in a panic? THIS is the
place that's setting off every alarm on Yggdrasil?
ASH: Sorry, could you send someone who speaks English to take my wish?
SKULD: You idiot! It's your fault I'm up to my eyes in paperwork and
bugs! I should throw you off this cliff with your perverted friend!
ASH: Actually, that's not what I was planning to wish for... but it is
an interesting idea...
MISTY: Ash, you jerk! Just wish to get rid of the missiles so I don't
have to kill you!
ASH: Yeah, right, like I'm going to fall for THAT one. I know you really
want to kill me, so I'm not going to wish for that, even if it was what
I was going to wish for.
MISTY: It was?
ASH: Yeah, but I've got a better idea. Skuld, I wish I was smart enough
that I could figure out a plan to stop the missiles from killing us all!
SKULD: (shocked) Really? That's what you want?
ASH: (proudly) Yep!
SKULD: All right. That's an easy one.
She smacks Ash on the head with her mallet.
SKULD: There, it's done. See ya!
She flies into the sky and out of sight.
JENNY: Ash, you've genuinely surprised me. You actually managed to come
up with a wish that will not only save us all, but also benefited you as
well. I take my hat off to you.
ASH: But then your head will get cold.
JENNY: Never mind...
MISTY: Ash, don't you feel any smarter?
ASH: Well, my head still smarts a bit...
MISTY: I mean, what's the plan for getting rid of the missiles?
ASH: I thought you guys had a plan. I was planning to ask you.
Misty smacks Ash on the head with her mallet.
MISTY: How about now?
ASH: No, but I think my skull is beginning to crack.
RURI: (deadpan) One minute left. Excuse me, boss, but I'm getting out of
here. Getting blown up isn't in my job description.
JENNY: Thanks, Ruri. Get to someplace safe. I hope you still have a job
to come back to after a minute.
RURI: (deadpan) Good luck with that, boss. I mean it.
Ash grabs the radio from Officer Jenny's hand and tosses it over the
cliff.
BROCK: (from below) Ow! What just hit me?
JENNY: What was that for, Ash?
ASH: I was getting her to safety. The bottom of that cliff should be
pretty safe.
JENNY: That wasn't... no, just forget it. We don't have enough time left
to waste it getting angry at you.
ASH: I don't have a response to that. Hey, Misty, can you think of
anything stupid I could say right now?
JENNY: You're right as always, Ash. There's always time to get angry at
you.
ASH: Hey, check it out! If you squint, you can see the missiles from
here!
Everyone squints into the sky.
MISTY: Hey, he's right!
JENNY: This is no time to be impressed! We've got less than a minute
left to live!
ASH: You know, Officer Jenny, you can be really depressing sometimes.
Why are you so obsessed with death?
JENNY: Oh, I don't know... could it possibly be because WE'RE ABOUT TO
DIE?
ASH: Yeah, I suppose that could be the reason.
JENNY: I don't get it. I thought he was supposed to be smarter. You
don't think Skuld lied to us, do you?
MISTY: She said he was smart enough to save us from getting blown up...
but that obviously wasn't true.
ASH: When you can't trust a goddess, who can you trust?
MAYOR: It doesn't matter! We're all doomed! Here they come!
Everyone cringes as a giant missile lands in the street next to Ash
with a loud CRUNCH!
MISTY: Wait a second... CRUNCH?
ASH: Must have landed in a bowl of cereal.
Brock climbs over the lip of the cliff and quickly backs away from
the edge.
BROCK: Ah, so this is one of Armenhammer's missiles. It confirms my
theory exactly.
JENNY: Theory?
BROCK: Right. Armenhammer did in fact have the technology to make
missiles, but they didn't have the technology to arm them with
explosives. These are just giant streamlined hunks of metal.
JENNY: (seething with anger) You mean you knew these missiles were no
threat, and you didn't bother to tell us?
BROCK: Well, I would have, if I wasn't so busy climbing up that cliff.
MISTY: You know, I'm really tired of you and Ash never telling us any of
the useful information you know until it's too late!
ASH: Well, I'm tired of you hitting me on the head with that mallet!
MISTY: Touche, I suppose.
ASH: Not there either. If you have to hit me, do it someplace that won't
hurt.
Misty hits Ash between the legs with her mallet.
ASH: (pained) I think you missed... (collapses)
JENNY: But that explains why Ash didn't get any smarter. The plan to
stop the missiles from killing everyone was as simple as not doing
anything at all.
BROCK: See, that's what we've been TRYING to tell you!
A white van pulls up, and out climbs a female reporter and a camera
crew.
REPORTER: Total destruction, averted. And we owe it all to these two
brave heroes...
BROCK: Hey, look! It's a TV camera!
Ash and Brock wave to the camera.
ASH: Hi, Mom! Hi, Professor Oak!
BROCK: Hi, Nurse Joys! Hi, Officer Jennys!
REPORTER: ... for lack of a better word...
Officer Jenny pushes Ash and Brock aside.
JENNY: Perhaps I'd be the best one to interview. Considering that I'm
the only one here with a brain...
Misty bashes Officer Jenny on the head with her mallet, knocking her
unconscious.
REPORTER: Ah, well... can I get a word from the detectives?
ASH: Pickle!
BROCK: You're beautiful! Go out with me!
ASH: That was a pretty big word, Brock. It sounded like lots of words.
BROCK: Oh, you're right. (to the reporter) Yourebeautifulgooutwithme!
REPORTER: Um... Mr. Mayor? Do you have anything to add?
MAYOR: No comment. I don't speak to reporters.
He pushes his way through the cameras and climbs into his limo,
which drives away.
REPORTER: Well, this was a waste of time. There's no story here!
BROCK: If you want, we can do an interview over dinner tonight.
REPORTER: Sure, why not? It's not like anything INTERESTING is going to
happen around here.
A UFO swoops down from the sky, beams the reporter, camera crew, and
van up, and then flies away.
BROCK: Rats. I lose more girls that way...
ASH: Don't worry, Brock. Officer Jenny's still here, and she's even
sleeping already.
BROCK: Hey, that means she can't complain if I take her on a date!
Officer Jenny leaps to her feet.
JENNY: I'm up! I'm up!
BROCK: (sadly) And I'm down. So down...
JENNY: Anyway, it looks like our work here is done.
BROCK: No! There's so much left to do! So many chances to ask you out
and get rejected!
JENNY: If Armenhammer isn't a threat, there's really no need to know who
killed the Archduke, is there?
ASH: You mean you're quitting? Then what have I been carrying this
business card around for?
JENNY: What business card?
ASH: This one that I found in the Archduke's limo.
He hands her the business card.
JENNY: There's a note on the back of it: "To whom it may concern: If
you're reading this, then I hope you're prepared to die. I'm sick of
this horrid country. Any place that can turn out a person as stupid as
Ash Wednesday deserves to be blown off the face of the planet. I've
ordered my own Scyther to assassinate me, making it look like the work
of a local anarchist, so that my own country will attack with deadly
force. My own life is a small price to pay for such a noble cause. And
why, you may ask, am I writing this down? ... I don't know, but since
I'm writing in pen, it's too late to erase it. But even if you learn the
truth, it will be too late to stop your inevitable doom!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
ASH: And he managed to fit all of that on one tiny business card...
amazing.
Officer Jenny smacks Ash on the head.
JENNY: Stop being impressed? Why didn't you show this to us at the
beginning? It would have solved the case without any of this trouble!
ASH: Then this entire story would have been over in one chapter! Our
readers would have felt deprived!
MISTY: I can't think of a single person who wouldn't have enjoyed being
deprived of this entire story.
ASH: Hey! I'm the only one who's allowed to break the fourth wall!
JENNY: There is no fourth wall in this story...
ASH: Oh, yeah. The missiles smashed it. So, are we done now? Let's go
home, Brock.
BROCK: Yeah, I'm tired of this story and all the crazy cameos and
senseless violence.
He turns around and walks off the cliff.
MISTY: Not to mention the endless stupidity.
ASH: Yep, Brock's always good for a laugh.
He throws a Pokeball.
ASH: Pidgeotto, I choose you! Let's fly home!
He climbs onto Pidgeotto's back, and they fly away.
JENNY: Hey! Wait a second!
MISTY: You actually want him to come back?
JENNY: We're miles from home, and we don't have a car! He ditched us!
MISTY: (sighs) Look on the bright side. He's gone.
JENNY: Yeah... so, you want to go get a drink?
MISTY: I'm underage.
JENNY: I'll overlook it.
BROCK: (from below) Can I come? I'm old enough!
JENNY: Sorry, lover boy.
The two girls walk away.
BROCK: (from below) Can you at least throw me a rope?
*************************************************
Archduke Baking Soda of Armenhammer was found guilty of his own
assassination and was sentenced to life in prison. However, due to the
timing of the Archduke's death, the sentence was completed before the
trial, and was therefore declared unconstitutional by a federal judge,
leading to the Archduke's exoneration. During a subsequent appeal, it
was ruled that since the Archduke was not a citizen of Indigo Island,
the constitution didn't apply to him, and the life sentence was
reinstated. However, this was a violation of international double
jeopardy law because the Archduke had already served the complete life
sentence for that same crime, and he was exonerated again. Then Richard
Nixon took the stand and was given a life sentence, turning over the
Presidency to Gerald Ford, who pardoned the Archduke. However, the
Archduke was currently not serving any sentence, and so he was sentenced
to a third lifetime in prison so that his sentence could be reduced to
community service. He currently resides in the Cerulean Museum of
Health, beneath a poster that reads "Eat Less Meat."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
LEO: I can't drive since my license got suspended.
HYDE: What did you do?
LEO: I dropped it in a glass of soda, and it just hung there, like,
suspended... then while I was looking at it, I ran a red light.
My not-so-humble webpage of fanfiction and other random junk has MOVED:
http://nidoking.anifics.com Update your bookmarks!
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'