Dave Menard wrote:
This idea was originally built for the 2nd Bet, but I couldn't get 'er
finished in time...
A Second Bet Entry
Category: Fusion
By Dave Menard
"Yes. However, instead of the aquatranssexual, suppose I focus on another
castmember?"
"Sure, knock yourself out."
"Marvellous. Observe."
A tiny bolt of azure lightning arced from the god of storm's finger to the
surface of the pool.
Now.....
<MUSIC BEGINS: "Ride The Lightning" By Metallica>
Montage of jump-cuts from various samurai dramas and anime, as in the
foreground one blue-hakama-clad figure performs a series of kendo and
kenjutsu katas at blistering speeds in time with the hard-driving music.
Credits begin to roll, each name and title appearing in a burst of blue
electricity.
I glossed over this in the initial read-through. Wish I hadn't. ^_^;;
"My name is Kuno Tatewaki, age 39. I am. Nothing. A nobody. A hapless
salaryman. I live in the Nerima district of Tokyo, a two-hour commute from
my office. My home is a small three-room apartment on the third floor of a
five-storey building that is built on the land my family once owned, before
my useless sister squandered our estate on legal fees. Perhaps you've heard
of her? She founded the Church of the Black Rose. The ones who tried to slip
three-hundred litres of LSD into the Tokyo water system and wound up in the
Sanatorium or in jail. It was very well-publicised, for about six months. My
family and I visit Kodachi twice a year, on her birthday and on New Year's
Day, and rarely speak of her otherwise.
Almost tripped over 'storey', but that is the valid british spelling...
so I won't comment on it. :p
"My family? Ah. My wife's name is Mariko. We have been married for. fifteen
years, now. I have a son, Godai. He is. seven. Seven years old. I do not
understand them. Which is, I suppose, only fair, for they do not understand
me.
for. fifteen -- for... fifteen
is. seven -- is... seven.
"Why, then, am I here, drinking sake at this. shabby excuse for a yatai? No,
I beg your pardon master barkeep, bring me another bottle, will you? Thank
you. Why am I here, instead of at home with my wife and child? I'll tell
you. This morning, my wife threw out my bokken.
And this is where I finally got it. ^_^;;
I would suggest using some form of line break, since the spaces can get
lost in the formatting too easily.
A tinny, electronic beeping roused him from grey, shapeless dreams. A hand,
once callused and strong, now soft and weak, seemed to slither out from
under the blanket and switched off the alarm. Blearily, he blinked at the
clock face, fumbling for his glasses. The lenses in place, he peered
sleepily at the LED display.
Five a.m..
a.m.. -- A.M.
"Anata." she murmured sleepily as she sat down, her eyes barely open, "It's
garbage day. Will you remember to take the trash out? The black bag is
burnables, an' the blue one is recyclables."
Anata." she -- Anata," she
open, "It's -- open, "It's
"Shh." she muttered into the pillow. "You'll wake up Godai. Aren't you late
for work?'
Shh." she -- Shh," she
"Er." he glanced down at his wristwatch. Ten minutes before the bus was due.
"I suppose you're right."
Er." he -- Er," he
"Don't forget the garbage." Mariko mumbled into her pillow, almost asleep
once more.
garbage." Mariko -- garbage," Mariko
Kuno softly made his way into the kitchen and grabbed the bento and thermos
of lukewarm tea his wife had made him last night, just as he had every
morning except Sundays for the last ten eight years. He stuffed the lunch
and tea into his briefcase, grabbed the two garbage bags by the door and let
himself out.
ten eight -- ten or eight -- ten to eight
Something like that, I think. Possibly just hyphenate it... not sure.
Negotiating a stairwell with an overstuffed garbage bag in each hand and the
handle of his briefcase clenched in his teeth was no small feat, but he
somehow managed to avoid spilling anything and made it out the door. A
strange sound greeted him as he stepped out into the hazy Tokyo dawn.
Ah. The Trio.
*shudder*
"And One! And-two-and-three-and-four, and One! And-two-and-three-and-four,
and One!"
One -- one (not a proper noun)
He looked around. And around. Then, he took a step out onto the sidewalk and
looked up. Three girls were standing on the concrete overhang above the door
doing. Aerobics?
doing. Aerobics -- doing... aerobics?
"Ohaiyo!" The middle girl called cheerily at him, the rising sun lending a
halo to her neatly trimmed cap of blue-black hair.
"Hiya!" Called the girl on the left, her long chestnut hair bouncing in a
ponytail held back by a pretty white ribbon.
"Nihao!" Chirped the girl on the right, her flowing lavender locks shining
in the sun.
Ah... hah. That's a new one.
Ohaiyo!" The -- Ohaiyo!" the
Hiya!" Called -- Hiya!" called
Nihao!" Chirped -- Nihao!" chirped
You don't need to capitalize the firt words of prose when the dialogue
leads into it like that.
"And One! And-two-and-three-and-four, and One! And-two-and-three-and-four,
and One!"
Same comments about 'one' as a proper noun.
With a howl of unholy terror and fury, he burst from the bus at the next
stoplight and ran for home.
I'm a fan of the series, but my advice would be to be carefull of
mirroring the original TOO closely. ;)
I like what you've done, and am looking forwrd to seeing more, if there
IS any more to see. If not, it's a good mystery fusion, much like
Slacker's BH/FLCL, or my own less-good BH/Minky-Momo....