Brian Welch wrote:
--- Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:
Brian Welch wrote:
Comments may be ignored as you see fit, of course.
After you didn't respond to this C&C, I figured you'd sent it to the
bit bucket. Maybe that would have been a good idea! ^_^
No, just being ground under by the endless projects.
Of course, now I'm unemployed (that's my reward for the hard work, I
guess), so I have LOTS of free time to focus on my fics and catching up
on the 400 e-mail strong backlog.
....
I won't flood the FFML with my C&C, though.
Much, anyway. ;)
Sorry about taking so long to reply, though. >_<
Er.... When did I say I was taking her OOC?
No, this Tsuroko is based on the girl from episode five of
Goldenboy.
Which is... well, OOC for the original Tsuroko, but not thos one.
Which is more or less what I remember from C&C on the previous
chapter.
Right.
I knew that.
... next question?
This is going to take some consideration.
Well, considering that fact that although this is giving ME fits, it
doesn't seem to be giving anyone ELSE fits, I'm not so sure a rewrite
is called for at all. It's probably just as well to continue on. This
isn't a bad fic, despite my rather overblown C&C.
Yes, but it should be readable, and you did open my eyes to some facets
of the character that should be included into the fic.
Enough so that I restructured the unwritten chapters and worked in a new
plot-line. Yep. That's right. Now it's going to be five or SIX chapters
just to establish the setting, and that much longer to the conclusion.
And it's all your fault. ;)
Well. Mostly.
Ah, so there is a glimmer of the real Tsuruko in her, after all.
As much character as she can have, given how little we see of
her in the manga.
There's a little more of her in Volume 13, but she's essentially the
same. Even in V13 she's gracious and supportive to everyone but
Motoko. She ultimately has Motoko's best interests at heart, but
her methods are draconian.
Kind of how she thinks she's acting here....
I was always under the impression that she left because her
sister got married.
When Tsuruko got married, she told Motoko that Motoko would now have
to devote herself to running the dojo. Motoko wasn't ready to give up
her dreams, which involved more than running a dojo for the rest of
her life. Motoko's trouble with men and turtles (why?) stems from
seeing Tsuruko and her husband-to-be kissing, but the marriage itself
didn't drive her away from Kyoto. It merely precipitated the events
which did.
Interesting.
Motoko left home in the first place because she didn't want to become
what her sister wanted her to become. This kind of humiliation would
just strengthen her resolve to either leave the Shinmei-ryu all
together, or accept them only on her own terms. I'd expect her to
feel her sister was acting dishonorably, and to be suffering a bad
case of disillusionment and resentment.
What?
So.... Motoko left because she doesn't want to be what her
sister wants her to be... and then spends all her time training.
Oy, that "didn't want to become what her sister wanted her to become"
was a bit high on melodrama and low on useful information. ^_^;
Motoko didn't want to give up the Shinmei-Ryu, only see a bit of life
before she became chained to the dojo. Also, she probably wanted to
prove herself to her sister. Either reason would be enough for her to
continue training.
Interesting, again. I can work with this.
Eh....
Well, I wasn't being completely accurate. Motoko has written at least
one letter to her sister. In V13 Tsuruko recalls receiving the
following letter from Motoko: "Forgive me, I just can't meet
everyone's expectations. Please stop looking for me!"
Then, there's Tsuruko's (biased?) recollection of events (again, from
V13):
"Three years ago I got married. I trusted Motoko to continue to
practice the Shinmei-Ryu." Tsuruko then recalls Motoko telling her
"Sis, I can't do this! I have a weak soul! I can't concentrate like
you can!" Motoko then runs away.
"Motoko, whose capability was easily greater than myself,
disappeared. With her deep resentment of her past and terrible
jealousy of me... the pressures forced her to come to the Hinata-
sou."
Though we must wonder... I expect the letters would generally be the kind
of message that says, "I'm fine. Don't come after me. Really," or the
like, now that I think about it.
Motoko, of course, remembers only wanting to get out from under her
sister's thumb, and never wanting to give up the Shinmei-Ryu. The
jealousy part, though, might have merit.
Don't give up on this just because I have a problem with it. From the
C&C I've read other than mine, it's a popular fic. I certainly don't
see anyone else spewing fire and brimstone at it. ^_-
I won't, especially now that I have more time to focus on the story.
Besides, I agree that Ranma is the kind of guy who would appeal to
Motoko (if you're thinking of taking the fic that way). He's stern
and dedicated, traits that Motoko has found irresistible in Keitarou
on the rare occasions when he has shown them.
I admit NOTHING! ;)
Brian Welch
Thanks for the comments, in all seriousness. They help me shape the fic,
and with luck, make it a better story.