DB Sommer wrote:
Weee. More DitR. That gets moved to the head of the C+C list:
Ack. Man, I don't even want to think about how many projects were
completed in the time it took me to reply to this e-mail. >_<
"Erm," Ranma noised. "Uh, Tsuruko-sen--" He cut off, swallowing nervously
I'd crop the 'Erm, Ranma noised', and just lead off with 'Uh' and change
'he' to Ranma. That first part doesn't really add anything to the sentence.
And 'noised' is not a good verb choice there, IMO.
Okay.
"You are most correct," the woman agreed.
Tsuruko: Who would you recommend? That Su girl or Mutsumi?
Mutsumi, as she hasn't yet been introduced. :p
Another moment of silent
silence
Gah. >_<
"I imagine it would."
Heh. We finally get to the punchline. Forgot the state he was in. Nice work.
Hooray! It worked! ^_^
Suu and Sarah's eyes sparkled brightly as they stared upwards at Ranma,
still clinging to his legs.
Sarah too? Why? Suu's the glompy one.
She wants a ride. Remember how Keitaro arrived?
Rousing himself from the stunned silence that permeated the room, Keitaro
ambled to Motoko's side, and
drop comma
Done.
knelt, checking her pulse. "She's breathing
fine,"
Sarah: I can take care of that. Here's a plastic bag to fit over her head.
Oh, she'd only do that to Keitaro, who's probably just live through it
anyway.
Sighing, the woman
women
No, no, she's singular. :p Suu and Sarah are just girls.
finally released Ranma, who quickly extracted himself
>from the two girls,
My, I'll have to use that one in my next lemon. ^_^
... will reword. O_O
After reaching the girl's room, Ranma set her down, and Tsuruko tucked
her in. Keitaro stood respectfully near the door,
All the while trying to catch a flash of Motoko's panties, which he would
deny avidly.
Who wouldn't?
"I dreamt that Oe's corruption had spread so far that even you fell under
his dark spell," Motoko murmured, shuddering.
heh. Cute.
The story about this is that Sakata Kintoki (the legendary Goldenboy)
slew an ogre on Mt. Oe. My understanding is that the ogre was something
of a pervert, and hence.... ;)
Hmm. Now why would she assume Kintaro is as horrible as Ranma? Or did they
have a policy of not letting men work there?
It's more about her sister having history with Ranma and his brother that
bothers her.
"I didn't do _anything_!" Ranma asserted, waving his hands before himself
defensively. "I was in charge of setting up practice dummies, leading
the youngest students in training, and Aniki
Would seperate into two sentences:
dummies and leading...training. Aniki...
since Kintaro's actions are different from the former two mentioned. It
might techincally be correct, but I think it works better seperate.
helped me maintain the
grounds! But I never did _anything_ to your sister."
Done.
Ranma; Kintaro, on the other hand, had his usual aphrodesica effect on the
women. I think they slept together a lot. The worst part was I had to clean
out their bedsheets afterwards.
Heh.
"Such a pity," Tsuruko sighed. "But, he speaks the truth. Now,
Motoko-chan, have you summoned me here simply because you were
frightened of Ranma?"
"Frightened? Never! I fear no male," the girl asserted,
Obviously she's never seen a porno with Long Dong Silver. ^_^
... next comment.
shooting Ranma a
Here I think you can drop the 'asserted' and go with '...male." Mokoto shot
Ranma a dark look.' Again it sounds better to me, and you don't need to use
a verbal oriented verb. This is heavy dialogue now, and will cut down on
repeated 'said, shouted, asserted' type verbs.
Okay.
dark look. "But... but... but Oe-san has secrets that I fear bring ill
tidings to the inn." She blinked, and smiled slightly, crossing her arms
over her chest. "Just this morning, some foul spawn infiltrated this
very inn, and stole all of the panties within."
The sound of wind blowing across the roof filled the room for a long
moment,
Hmm. More stretched out time. Of course a 'moment' isn't a specific measure,
so it's more appropriate here. :)
The idea is the slow-pan of a room with wind effects or the like... not
sure if it worked.
"You can't leave me here alone!" Ranma hissed, a little too loudly. "I
mean, please, Kanrinin! I need you here!"
"Um... why?" Keitaro asked,
I agree with Kei-boy. He's as much a target as Ranma, and would be nothing
like a shield.
Well, yeah.
"He doesn't want to you to leave him alone because you two are a couple,"
she asserted,
More 'asserted.' Seems to be the word of the day. ^_^
It's a good word.
I'd put in more plain 'said's. I know they aren't as descriptive, but I
think in a lot of cases the emotion is conveyed in the dialogue and more
extravagent words are redundent.
Hmm. Nah, there are only three in the entire chapter, now.
slightly. He seemed frozen that way for a long moment,
And yet another long moment. I do this a lot too. It was'solemn' for me in
the last chapter of Avenging I wrote. I'd nix this one.
Nixed.
"What?" Motoko asked quietly, scratching her head.
and a cloud of white flakes fell. It was like a snowfall indoors. Obviously
someone needed to go an extra distance with their personal hygene.
Bleah!
"Is _that_ why Oe-san
wanted to go to an all-girl's inn? Bah -- it makes sense now! All along
he was saying that I liked girls, when it was really just that he liked
boys!"
"Um..." Ranma defended himself.
I'd switch that around. 'Ranma defended himself with an, "Um..."
But that's just my preference. It's fine as is as well.
Nah, it looks better that way.
"No need to be shy, Kanrinin," Mitsune encouraged, winking again. "We
know all about your little date earlier tonight, and the... agreement
for Ranma's rent."
Tsuruko: Oh, then he must go both ways, for he and his brother paid their
rent the same way with me.
Motoko: Ack! (falls over dead)
*snicker*
"Uh?" Keitaro eloquently queried.
This one is okay since you're using an inappropriate adverb for humor.
Yesh. :)
"Yes?" she asked, cocking her head to one side, blinking inquisitively.
"Yeah, you see, I'm, um, what's that word? _Not_ gay?"
Mistune: Unhomosexual is the word I think you're looking for.
^_^
*snicker*
Mitsune blinked, staring between Ranma, Keitaro, and then the completely
stunned Aoyama sisters. "Oh, dear," she murmured. "Are you sure?"
Ranma: Drop your pants and bend over, and I'll show you how straight I am.
O_O
"Yes I am sure I'm _not_ gay!" Ranma bellowed, causing the woman to
flinch backwards. "Why the hell do you think I _am_?"
Mitsune: All those onna Ranma lemons, of course.
Ranma: Hey! I was young, and I really needed the money. Besides, it takes a
man very confident in his heterosexuality to sleep with another man.
Yes, I did rip that last half from 'This is Otakudom.' It's too perfect.
"They want to use me like a woman!"
"Then you'll need to show them you can take it like a man."
-- Volunteers
"I was a girl at the-- Oh, hells," Ranma growled, advancing on the woman,
grabbing her wrist, and then sweeping her into a fierce, searching kiss.
Mitsune: (after her breaks it off) Bah. If you call that kissing a woman,
you'd be better off becoming gay. Naru kisses me a lot better than that.
Everyone else: ....
Seriously, that is very direct for Ranma. I take it it's supposed to
indicate he's not as reserved as he once was?
In a small part. It's also to show he's nearly as easily goaded.
Keitaro blinked a few times, then covered his
nose with both hands and began to back away, while Tsuruko murmured,
"Oh, my," and placed a hand across Motoko's wide eyes.
True. He's about to lose points with Moto now.
Like he wasn't before?
After easily a minute, Ranma released the woman, who sagged against him
deliriously, giggling. "Shows what you know," he retorted.
"Oooh," Mitsune purred,
Again?
Again!
"Oh, Ranma," Tsuruko piped up, waving her free hand at him. "I believe
you're interested in men, as well!"
What makes her say that?
She's trying to get him to kiss her, too.
"Okay," Keitaro said, shaking his head, hands still clamped across his
nose. "This time I'm really leaving."
Probably for the best. Naru might hit him for allowing a man to kiss her
lesbian lover, or some other silly reason.
....
I seem to remember an AMV set to the trailer from 'Another Teen Movie'
that had Naru seducing Motoko....
"You can hide behind me!" Mitsune suggested, winking at Ranma and
grinning widely.
Ranma; Yeah, your ass is pretty wide. I might fit.
Mitsune: My, now you've gone and done it. (Gives Ranma a Naru-like punch)
Er....
Sighing, Ranma hung his head in defeat. "Why me?" he moaned. "Um,
Tsuruko-chan, what happened was -- do you remember what I said about
Happosai?"
Tsuruko: That he was great in bed?
Ranma: No! I did not say that.
Bleah!
The woman's demeanor shifted instantly from the calm, playful grin with
eagerly watchful eyes, to a much more purposeful grin, with wiser eyes.
"I do, Ranma," she said regretfully.
I'd drop the 'regretfully'
Eh... okay.
"Left your old home," Tsuruko supplied, pursing her lips. "I hadn't
imagined your paths would cross again, either, but who can know the
future?"
Most Seers.
One could hope. Practice is a bit different from theory.
"'With a Ranma, things get really weird,'" Suu parroted at him, dropping
>from a hidden handhold along the ceiling to cling to his back. "What's a
'strange'? Is it delicious?"
I think you meant 'weird'?
He said 'what a strange day'. It's also kind of a joke on the japanese
word 'hen', but....
"I guess it could be," Keitaro said doubtfully. "But it's just a word
that means out of the ordinary. Why do you ask?"
"Hmm.... Naru said that Keitaro was strange,"
Strange again. Might want to change 'weird' to strange, if she is quoting
Naru
I could, I suppose. I was just trying to avoid repetition of 'weird' in
Keitaro's first paragraph.
Still, it had reminded Keitaro of something important; he'd never gotten
around to telling Naru about his practice test score. Path set, he began
marching again, this time towards her room. Maybe strange things were
going on, but for once, his own luck was looking up. Other than the fact
that Mitsune had thought he was interested in Ranma, but he doubted any
damage had been done by that one wayward assessment.
Silly boy. You still haven't learned.
Does he ever? Actually, he does, just offscreen. Huh. Never considered
that fact before....
"I'm wearing enough," she said simply.
hehehehe. Now this misunderstanding is paying dividends for a change.
Imagine once it's time to come clean. He's going to be paying for it if
he does....
Peeking through his fingers at her, and trying to allow himself to only
see her face, he asked, "Enough for what?" That question answered itself
quickly; she obviously knew how well he had done on the test, and wanted
to take the next step in their relationship.
Heh. Of course he would jump to that conclusion.
Interesting that Naru assumed he was gay rather than swinging both ways.
Well, most of the LH cast tend to see things in terms of black and white....
"No!" Naru yelled suddenly, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "I
can't! I... go away, Keitaro! Leave me alone!"
That reaction should throw him.
And it does!
"I thought... I thought...." She closed her eyes, shaking her head. "I
thought I was ready for it, but I can't hear it from you, Keitaro. Not
yet. Please leave!"
Heh. Now that's a good way to word it so he doesn't understand.
Ah...vaguries.
Her head drooping, the girl slid the door to her room shut, leaving
Keitaro alone in the hall.
Mutsumi suddenly poked her head from out of a closet. "If you're giving up
on him, does that mean I can have him?"
A chapter early, methinks.
�_�
Maybe two, at this rate. Let's aim for July of '03.
>_<
Motoko stood in the hallway outside her own room, arms crossed over her
chest. Not far away, leaning against the wall away from Motoko's room,
'opposite' instead of 'away' perhaps?
Works better.
Mitsune fanned herself with a hand, face reddened slightly. "Are... are
you okay?" the kendoka hesitantly asked. "Oe has touched you against
your will -- I assure you that I am willing to do anything within my
power to remove him for his transgression."
Mitsune: Touch him and you die. Moon over him like you eventually do with
Kei boy, and you die.
*snicker*
"Against my will?" the woman mused, her blush fading. "Well, maybe at
first, but it was worth it. I don't want him to leave."
"But... but... but he kissed you! Without your permission!"
I'd combine that into one sentence.
Alrighty.
protested, dropping her hands to her sides and balling her hands into
fists. "How can you simply allow that to happen?"
Mistune: Because I'm not gay?
Motoko: Oh, that would make sense, then.
Motoko: Waaaaaaait....
Mitsune smiled, touching a finger to her lips and looking distant.
"'Stolen kisses are, a part of a sweet youth that, vanishes
think you'd be better off dropping the commas.
It's a haiku. Those denote the line breaks. I'll leave 'em in since it's
preferable to breaking the entire thing up just to preserve the format.
Hesitating, Motoko considered her choices. On the one hand,
On one hand,
Fixed.
Mitsune smirked, and shifted her position. Motoko leant nearby, pressing
her ear to the door, and closing her eyes to concentrate. She extended
her senses, as her training had led her to, to detect the most hushed
nuances of the world around her. Specifically, the speech from the other
side of the door.
I'd drop all after 'Specifically.' We know why she's doing it. It's too
redundent.
Okay.
"So, now that you know that, what should I do?"
"Hmm," Tsuruko mused. "It is a difficult decision to make, Ranma. But, at
the same, when you were younger, and
drop comma after 'younger'
Done.
Tsuruko giggled quietly. "Ranma, you would probably be wise to follow his
counsel, but he can not
cannot
That was actually intentional. I tend to avoid contractions with
characters who are use a slightly more archaic form of speech, as Motoko
and her older sister are supposed to. It makes it sound a bit more formal.
Motoko grimaced, as the conversation dropped below her hearing level, and
pulled her ear from the door for a moment, pursing her lips as she
considered what to do next. The rushing sound of the door sliding open
startled her, and she froze, eyes opening cautiously. Mitsune stood by,
surprised, and only centimeters away from Motoko herself.
"Uh-oh," the woman whispered.
Which one? Should specifiy here.
Well, I've been refering to Motoko as 'girl', and this is from her PoV,
but... I'll clarify that.
Ranma stood behind Tsuruko, and rolled his eyes. "My! Do try not to
Almost seems like Ranma should be talking. Make it more clear it's Tsuruko.
I'll have him roll his eyes after her speech.
Ranma: I was thinking of the sharkskin paddle you used to use on Kintaro and
me when we were naughty.
O_o
"I am _not_ a 'little kid', Oe!" she protested.
Ranma; Fine. Butt plug it is.
Eeeew....
The man blinked at Tsuruko in confusion for a moment before shrugging,
and saying, "Uh.... There's some shops in the town that are still open,
and since Happosai's been through here, I bet a few of the girls here
still need to get new... panties, and stuff. Mitsune dragged me along,
but why not just have Motoko take everyone else shopping?"
And pay for it.
Yikes.
And thinking of that hole, he could only think of
the person who lived on the other side of it.
Now that has some serious sexual connotations to it. :)
I never even considered.
really. Some of which Keitaro didn't want to think of, either.
Don't think you need that comma
Doesn't look quite right without it....
"Nothing," Keitaro assured him. "Just thought this would be a nice place
to relax for a bit and think."
Ranma; Obviously you were wrong.
Heh!
"I like it," Keitaro agreed, finding a spot to sit a short distance away,
admiring the same lights. "Um. You seem to really focus on your martial
arts."
That's what Ranma said. :)
Keitaro! Master of the obvious!
Ranma made an absent noise
But if he was absent, how could be make noise? :)
He is... SNEAKY LIKE NINJA!
Not wanting to upset Ranma, but still needing an answer, Keitaro asked,
"So, do you think you'll be able to win your fight?"
"Yes," Ranma replied at length. He paused
I'd dump, "Ranma...length. He...' and make it just 'Yes." Ranma paused...
Done.
"If everything were that easy, I'd just 'get into Toudai,'" Keitaro
grumped. He blinked again, remembering his test score. "But then...."
Keitaro's eyes widened in sudden alarm. "'In the blood'? Wait! Oe-san
said he was adopted!"
Don't bother the man with details, Kei boy.
'zactly!
observed hesitantly, but Motoko was certain the girl was trying to mask
an amused smile. For her part, Suu seemed to take the entire thing in
stride,
Suu takes practically everything in stride.
'Practically'?
"Well, Motoko-chan, if you behave like a child, you should dress as one,
as well," Tsuruko said serenely, one hand covering the smile that formed
as she spoke.
Heh. So the punishment wasn't so light after all.
Nope.
Sniffling bravely, Motoko clutched the bags of clothing to herself more
tightly. The shoes were childish, with little stars and hearts all over
them, sparkly and multi-colored. The stockings came up to her calves,
hot pink and with a ruffle that ringed each of them neatly. Her shirt
was powder blue, emblazoned with a bright and cheerful 'Hello Kitty'
logo, though the pacifier on a chain, which hung from her neck, obscured
that.
Darn big pacifier.
Or small logo. The funny thing is, from what I can tell, a lot of the
girls around where I live that are her age actually do dress that way. -_-
Well. Except for the stockings.
knees, granting her the appearance of nothing more than an exceptionally
tall child. Shinobu looked more mature than she felt at the moment.
Actually she usually is. :)
'Usually'.
home, and put her own clothes back on, and promise her older sister that
whatever it was she had done,
Oh, Motoko knows. I don't think she's that petulant so as to deny it.
The idea here is that Tsuruko's being a tad... vindictive.
nowhere before all the girls, a spreading ring of dust radiating from
beneath his bicycle-tires' point of impact. He nodded to Shinobu and
Tsuruko, then frowned slightly at seeing Motoko. "Eh... I don't want to
know," he said before she could explain herself. "I'll be back in the
morning. Thanks for your advice, Tsuruko-sensei." The man stepped off of
his bike long enough to bow to the woman deeply.
"My, my," Tsuruko mused, smiling, despite
drop last comma
Done.
"Perhaps he's not as wicked as you make him out to be," Tsuruko said,
slightly more sternly. "I am not doing this to you to be petty,
Tsuruko: Well, actually I am. But there are other reasons as well.
That would have been funny, were it not spot-on. :p
It was only lukewarm when decided
when she decided
Eeek. That's a nasty typo. >_<
she didn't have enough time to wait for
it to heat up, and quickly washed herself, then dressing and heading
dressed and headed (I think)
Will examine this in greater detail.
much. But there was no padding there, and Shinobu shuddered, worrying
that she was becoming as perverted as everyone else.
Give in to the perverse. It's more fun, Shinobu-chan.
Er... next comment!
Taiso nodded, opening his mouth to say something, but cut off to look
upwards as a terrified shriek rang out. Ranma spun around and looked
skyward, squinting, while Suu held up a hand to shield her eyes and
joined her. Rolling off the edge of the roof in a writhing panic,
Keitaro bounced off of the awning on each floor before slamming directly
into Ranma, the pair then lying in a dazed heap.
Heh. Ouch.
Par for the course.
"Oh," Ranma mumbled, scratching the back of her head nervously. "Uh...
you mean about the... uh... relationship between me and... um." She
sighed, wondering how far Mitsune had spread that story before shaking
her head. "Well, um, we've been through worse, so don't worry about it."
Like THAT'S going to make anything better.
He doesn't want the construction crew hitting on him. :p
"Just a bit tired. Stayed up late last night getting ready," Ranma
dismissed, glancing at Sarah as the little girl clung to one leg.
I can't remember why Sarah's so attached to him.
She wants Ranma to carry her around.
Ranma chuckled, shaking her head. "You're going to get really bored if
you don't let go, because I'm going to
pound you with boards." DB wanted him to say. :)
I sense... I sense... that Mr. Sommer doesn't like this character!
Ranma: I have a rabid pitbull you can play with. Make sure you play out in
the middle of busy intersections as well. Dont' worry. Pedestrains always
have the right of way, so go ahead and run out, the cars will stop for you.
... or I could be wrong.
Which is probably connected to the Fountain of Youth, knowing some of the
bizzare things at the inn.
There's a thought.
calculated, and eyed, and considered, but did no actual work.
Obviously union men.
*snicker*
Keitaro raised an eyebrow, as Motoko flinched visibly, and began to creep
away from her older sister.
My, did the punishment continue throughout the night?
It appears so.
"But we are a school of swordsmanship! We do not fight with only bare hands!"
"A true warrior uses any weapon that she may, Motoko-chan."
So Motoko pulled out a gun and shot her sister. "How's that?" she asked.
HAH!
Well, if LOOKS could kill....
Keitaro joined them after a moment, Sarah knocking him sprawling into one
of the craters from the morning battle until Haruka restrained the girl.
Eh? was he knocked into one crater, or did she do it lots of time?
Lots of times. Will clarify.
Happosai coughed, pinned to the ground beneath Ranma's foot, only this
time the man had moved so fast that no eye could follow the movement
entirely. "Ranma is the victor," Tsuruko declared, snatching her
handkerchief from the air a hairsbreadth away from the grass. "Very
impressive, Oe-san. What was that move?"
"A part of the true Oe Ronin-Ryu," he said quietly. "I... I think."
"You... win," Happosai wheezed. "Now get off me!"
May, that was really easy. How did he do it?
Wouldn't HE like to know!
"I feel somehow... cheated," Ranma mumbled, scratching the back of his head.
You probably were. I take it Happi was old and was concerned he'd die before
he could name a new heir.
In part.
Thanks to Corwin for pre-suffering this for me. This was hammered out in
free time at work. Very difficult. "Oh, no, sir! Is very bad you fall
into spring of drown salaryman!"
drowned ^_^
Nyah.
Very nice work. I understand why you haven't had the time to do more of
this, with how busy you are. As to the chapter, overall very good. Happosai
resolution almost seemed anti-climatic, but I assume you wanted it that way.
The training of Motoko was something I did not expect. Naru's assumption
about Kei boy being gay probably shouldn't go on too long. If nothing else
Mitsune will figure out why she's moping and explain what's going on, since
her friend's in genuine misery. Since the kiss, it might be interesting to
see if Mitsune pursues Ranma. Good potential there as well. Looks like some
matters have been taken care of and more potentially interesting situaitons
are to come. Prose flowed well, except where I pointed it out. Working in
small bits makes getting an overall feel for a fic hard,though.
Thanks for taking the time to C&C, and sorry for taking so long to get
back to you. :p
Looking forward eagerly to more.
Me, too! ^_^
D.B. Sommer