> Pre-Fanfic Note:
This is the draft of the first chapter of my new ongoing Ranma
series. Once I've gotten a little feedback and I'm certain that I'm
happy with what's here, I'll send it to rec.arts.anime.creative and
fanfiction.net. Please send me feedback! (*After* you read.) Thank you.
-- Shay Caron (E-mail address: shay@protection-comic.com)
Web site: http://www.protection-comic.com/
Um. Okay, I read this. I'm now wondering why. I've seen the first episode
of the anime, and read the beginning of the manga. This chapter was a prose
rewrite of those events.
It was pointless and a waste of time to read.
The narrative for the beginning was also rather unimpressive (I skipped right
over it). We've all read Ranma before. It's really, really hard to make an
introduction of a character as a great and important event when we all already
know who he is and that he has a curse that changes him into a girl. If you'd
actually done something different, it'd be okay. But it would have to be
drastically different to be worth the calorie burn those few keystrokes
represent. That's not many calories, but it's still beyond what you've done
here.
Not to be contrary here, but I don't think I can agree.
Not entirely, at any rate. I do agree that the introductory segment adds
nothing to the story and could be omitted without loss (the weather
scene-setting can easily be worked into the later story).
But on the whole ... this is a pretty decent opening to an alternate
version of the storyline. One thing it _isn't_ is a straight rewrite
of the original; while the broad events are similar, the detais of 'what'
and 'how' are so different that this story can hardly help but take a
very different course to the manga.
(Though, that said, the sooner the author gets to the different direction,
the better the story will run.)
Consider: In this version, Akane is not engaged to Ranma. If you think
that isn't going to take the story in a different direction, think again.
Furthermore, it's Ryouga who got Ranma cursed, rather than the opposite;
this too dramatically changes characters and they way they will interact.
The Amazon question changes too, if Genma is staying in China to work off
his debt (it's likely that Ranma didn't fight Shampoo and never received
the kiss of death). Ranma's attitudes are different, too; he has no
problem with hitting Akane as they fight.
In short, this is a setup for a _very_ different Ranma story. If I have
qualms about it, they're somewhat different from yours.
Firstly, it's too long. The differences are both interesting and
promising, but there _is_ a lot here that we've seen before. Cutting
it would probably help; it would also emphasise the differences from
the canon, and might thereby encourage readers not to dismiss the whole
thing. :)
Secondly, there seems little conflict to base the story on. Ranma hasn't
been engaged; while Akane is still angry with him, there's not a lot of
visible reason why this should matter all that much. (If they're not
engaged, he can simply avoid her, for example.) Many other points of
story conflict -- eg Shampoo, Ryoga -- appear to have been eliminated or
reduced. (Ryoga wasn't cursed by Ranma, so his reasons for pursuing and
blaming ranma are much reduced.)
This reduction of conflict isn't necessarily a bad thing. It does mean
that the story will have to develop in different ways, or develop different
conflicts, which could be rewarding.
My third qualm is in the "next-chapter" blurb at the end. This _isn't_
promising; it looks far too similar to the stock first-day-at-school-fight-
with-Kuno scenario. With the kind if setup we've seen in this first
chapter, the sooner the story can get on a divergent path, the better.
Then again, if it can be done showing us different aspects and viewpoints
of the characters, so that the differences begun here continue to have their
effect, the chapter could be quite readable.
Anyway, my 2c worth. I don't think this story is a waste of time and space,
though there is room for improvement. I'll read the next chapter with
interest.
Cheers,
Angus