Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma] Inherit the Earth, Prologue + Chapter 1
From: "Thermopyle" <Thermopyle@tds.net>
Date: 11/17/2002, 1:41 AM
To: "Shay Caron" <shay@protection-comic.com>, <ffml@anifics.com>



----- Original Message -----
From: "Shay Caron" <shay@protection-comic.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Saturday, November 16, 2002 6:30 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma] Inherit the Earth, Prologue + Chapter 1



Pre-Fanfic Note:
        This is the draft of the first chapter of my new ongoing Ranma
series. Once I've gotten a little feedback and I'm certain that I'm
happy with what's here, I'll send it to rec.arts.anime.creative and
fanfiction.net. Please send me feedback! (*After* you read.) Thank you.
    -- Shay Caron (E-mail address: shay@protection-comic.com)
       Web site: http://www.protection-comic.com/

Um.  Okay, I read this.  I'm now wondering why.  I've seen the first episode
of the anime, and read the beginning of the manga.  This chapter was a prose
rewrite of those events.

It was pointless and a waste of time to read.

The narrative for the beginning was also rather unimpressive (I skipped right
over it).  We've all read Ranma before.  It's really, really hard to make an
introduction of a character as a great and important event when we all already
know who he is and that he has a curse that changes him into a girl.  If you'd
actually done something different, it'd be okay.  But it would have to be
drastically different to be worth the calorie burn those few keystrokes
represent.  That's not many calories, but it's still beyond what you've done
here.

Your writing seems fine, aside from the opening, though I have to admit I
didn't pay too much attention since I was looking for something unfamiliar,
instead.  There weren't any glaring mistakes in the grammar or punctuation
that just jumped out at me despite that, so the technical aspect is probably
okay.

But there's nothing here that I really found worth reading.  You haven't
presented a single noteworthy thing that makes me want to read any further
installments.  Sure, you varied things a little bit by making Genma be absent
and changing the way Ranma got the curse... but those don't matter at all.
Why?  Because the same events occured.  There was no consequence of either
change, nor was Ranma's obviously different personality something that
actually made a difference.

What is the point of this story?  So far, there doesn't seem to be one.  There
is no new conflict presented which makes this interesting aside from the stuff
already present in the original story.  There is no drastic and interesting
change in how the characters act.  Your writing, while not bad, is just
standard, so the writing itself doesn't make the story worth reading.

In short... I'd rather read the manga.

So... What I think you really, REALLY need to do... is get to the point.  If
there's a major change that this story is going to be dealing with, don't
waste time on all this setup.  Everybody knows how the original story goes.
Write something different, and it might actually be worth reading.

Anyway, that's all my comments.  Keep in mind that these are just MY comments,
but the few other people I've talked to about it in chat have all felt the
same way about this segment: it's a rewrite of the manga, with no real
differences.


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