Now, what was he going to do? He was a Warrior now, no longer a Martial
Artist that he once was.

[Replace the article "a" between the words "longer" and "Martial" with the
article "the".]

He did not study the Art of War for study's sake, to learn to balance his
mind, body, and soul, to improve himself, and to challenge himself. No, now,
he walked, talked, lived the Art of War, for himself, for others, and for
his beliefs that the innocent might live and Justice be served.

[The word "justice" should not be capitalized in this context. Read this
aloud. Much of it needs to be changed.]


The question was no longer how much was the minimum amount of force needed
to be applied to alter the course of someone's action, but now, it was
simply a question, can he afford to allow that person to live or not.

[Too long and too passive! Try restructuring it to something like "He no
longer worried about using the minimum..."]

Before, when he faced an opponent he asked himself, what can he learn from
his opponent? 

[If indeed Ranma is asking himself a question the second use of "he" should
have been an "I."]

Now, he wondered, how fast must they die to prevent further bloodshed?

[This is a statement, not an interrogative. The phrase "he wondered" is not
parenthetic, so you should delete the comma after the word "wondered".]

Before, all he had to worry about was learning the latest techniques and
upholding family honor.


Now, he was Kami-sama's Sword on Earth.
 
[Be advised, the Japanese use "Kami-sama" to mean the Judeo-Christians'
Jehovah. I know next to nothing about the _Fist of the North Star_ series,
but these beliefs appear to be Taoist, rather than Christian or even
Buddhist, so I think some name other than "Kami-sama" should be used here.]


Before, his actions as Heir to the Saotome Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu reflected
only on himself and his father.
 
[Before what? Before he mastered the Hokuto Shin-ken? Or was it before he
became the master of same? The matter is not clear.


As the Jade Emperor ruled the Heavens for Kami-sama, so the Tentei (Heavenly
Emperor) ruled the Earth.
 
[As written, this sticks out like a sore thumb, and lacks any real tie back
to the text in which it is found. In other words, you need to write a little
more on this subject before matters are clear.]

Now, he was the Tentei's Shogun as well as Head of all Three Holy Schools,
so now, his actions reflected on himself, the Tentei, and Kami-sama,
himself. 

Once, he thought he would settle down like Soun Tendo, get married, build a
dojo, teach his children and students the wonders of the Art, and go on the
occasional training trips, so as to avoid losing his edge completely like
Tendo-san did. 

This is too long. Also you should use "He once thought that he..." instead
of the opening phrase you used.]

But, that was then. The Hokuto Law prevented that. At least, most of that...
 
[You have about ten pounds of content shoved into the single word "that",
and its rated capacity is about five ounces. Try again. While you are at it,
get rid of that ellipsis.]

Since his encounter with Shin, Ranma had been forced to grow up and mature.
He was responsible for the World, almost literally now. It was a weight that
did not rest well on his shoulders, nor was it suppose to.
 
[Shift in voice from a POV appropriate to Ranma to that of the Omniscient
Observer. Use "nor should it have" or "nor was it meant to" instead of "nor
was it supposed to." If you are going to insist on using this clumsy habit
of speech in narrative, then at least get the verb "suppose" into past tense
where it belongs in such a context.]



For his very actions were reflected in the World and the very Heavens
themselves. 

[This is true of everyone's actions, not just those of Ranma.]

If that wasn't a sobering enough thought, he knew, beyond a shadow of a
doubt, he now had the power to literally destroy the World, if he wasn't
careful. 
 
[Delete the comma after "knew" and the comma after "doubt" and insert the
word "that" between the words "doubt" and "he". Delete the comma after the
word "World". The word "World" does not capitalize in this context. Use "was
not" in lieu of the contraction "wasn't". I would delete the word
"literally" but that is strictly a judgment call.]
 
Before, he could just concentrate on training and learning the Hokuto Shin
Ken, but now, his training was complete.

[Before what? Ranma is in his twenties now, and has been run hard and put to
bed wet, so the narrative would be safe in saying something like "During the
carefree days of his youth..." or better, "Before the Hokuto Shin-ken...".
 
You see, Shin might have been the reason Ranma studied the Hokuto Shin-ken,
but it was not actually Shin that changed Ranma, was it? It was the studies
he voluntarily undertook that changed him. At least he got to volunteer.
Lot's of us got drafted.]

By Tradition and Law of the Hokuto School, he was now the Successor and sole
Master of the Hokuto Shin Ken. Now, he had to face everything he had left
behind.
 
[The point you are trying to make is not clear. Try again.]

Although he was meditating in the Dojo, Ranma could easily hear Kasumi in
the kitchen asking Akane to go get him for dinner, as well as hearing
Cologne, the Kunos, Ukyou, and others all over Nerima being informed of his
return as well.

[Over done. Additionally, the sentence is entirely too long.]


 He could have been as silent as Death in returning to Nerima, but he felt
it would be best to be open about some things, while quiet on others.


 He felt Akane as she moved from the kitchen to the Dojo.

[Oh, and how exactly did he do that? I think I know what you are saying what
happened here, but you fail to make it clear so I have to guess.]


He noted her ki, and had to admit, given the circumstances involved, she was
a half-decent martial arts hobbyist.
Unfortunately, she lack the very fire that drove him and the others in their
quest for the Art. 

[Delete the comma after "involved". Hmm, delete the word "involved" as well.
It contributes nothing but confusion to the sentence. The verb "lack" is in
the wrong tense. It should be "lacked". This is the first time I've ever
heard anyone claim that Akane lacked fire. Most worry that "fire" is her
main problem.]

In his time in Nerima, before Shin, he had seen the others and himself
advance, at least, by a kyu (class) or even a full dan (level)... all, save
Akane. 

[The translations inside parenthesis is unnecessary. The difference between
"kyu" and "dan" is clear enough from context.]


And now, he could feel that she had, at least, risen one, possibly two, kyus
since his departure for China.
 
[Use "kyu" not "kyus". Delete the parenthetic phrased "at least". It
contributes nothing to the sentence but confusion and word count.]
 
He could feel the number of challengers that had sought him out from the
dojo itself, only to settle for Akane so as not to waste the trip
completely. 

[Huh? What do you mean by this?]


He hoped that she took full advantage of the learning opportunity that was
presented to her. 
 
[Huh? I think you probably meant to use "she would take" rather than "she
took", but cannot be sure.]
 
He wondered if she even realized what an opportunity it was.

No matter, he remained in his seated mediation position as Akane entered the
Dojo, but he rose before she could say anything.

[No matter what?]

With his eyes, he noted that she was a lot smaller than he remembered her,
but then he had grown, literally, under Ti Lin's care and teachings.
 
[Why "With his eyes"? Why not "He noted that Akane seemed a lot smaller than
he remembered"? ]



He was now taller then Soun was by a few centimeters.

[It's "than Soun", not "then Soun". While you're fixing this, do some damned
arithmetic and tell us how many centimeters. You get yourself into trouble
when you fail to take care of these little details. We get "two years",
two-and-a-half years", "several years", _et cetera_ when you aren't
specific. You aren't the only one who gets himself into this trap. I've
learned about this the hard way already.]

And just by looking at him, one could tell he was a warrior. He noted her
staring at him in puzzlement and a touch of worry in her features.

[Use "with a touch" instead of "and a touch". Better use "with a touch of
worried puzzlemnet".]
 
He also noted that Akane had that look in her face that he had come to
associate with Soun when he first came to Nerima, a look of profound loss
and self-defeat. 


It seemed that Akane was truly Soun's daughter. He surmised that she didn't
take the opportunity for what it was, to learn from various people to
improve herself, but only to wallow in self-pity at her defeats.
 
[OOC Akane, but this is your story. What defeats, by the way?]


The Akane he knew was an energetic girl, not the lethargic girl in front of
him. So he wasn't too surprised when she said in a quiet voice, "Supper is
ready, Ranma." 
 
[Do what? I fail to see the connection between Akane's usual nature, and her
calling Ranma to supper, much less why Ranma might have been at risk of
being surprised by her doing so. Worse, it is in direct contradiction to the
Akane you described in the last paragraph.]
 
He smiled at her, nodded, and then replied, "Thank you, Akane."


A small smile appeared then left her face as she too nodded her head and
started to head to the dining room. He kept pace with her, and examined her
body and soul as they walked. He noted that she had broken both her legs, at
different times, and her right arm, in his absence, and that right leg
hadn't healed correctly so she was unconsciously favoring her left leg.

[Why would she be favoring her left leg if it was her right leg that failed
to heal properly? How would Ranma know that she had broken her legs on
different occasions? It is entirely possible that both were broken in the
same incident. You cannot derive timeline from simple observation. Worse, it
is next to impossible to tell if anyone has ever broken a leg or arm if they
healed correctly. Damage to the joints is a different matter. Joint damage
almost always leaves a visible sign after healing. Damage to the knee, for
instance, always affects the way a person walks and the wear and tear on
their shoes always reflects this. Do a little research on this stuff,
zaxxon. If you don't, verisimilitude suffers.]

Once in the dining room, they both took their customary seating.


Ranma watched as the others filled in.

[Filled in what? Use "filed in".]


Nabiki was next. 


She wore a simply college-logo t-shirt and jeans, with an economics textbook
that she was reading as she walked in.

[Read this one aloud and see if you don't spot the same problem I did.]


She continued to read as she sat down.



Then Soun came in, if Akane looked like he did when Ranma had first come to
Nerima, Soun now looked like the walking dead.

[Comma splice. "Then Soun came in. If Akane looked like..."
 
The pronoun "he" used after "like" lacks a proper antecedent. Use Soun
instead. You should probably consider doing away with this sentence
altogether. It is a clumsy comparison at best.]

 His movements were mechanical, at best. After sitting down, he had a
lifeless spaced out look to him. And lastly, Kasumi and Nodoka appeared out
of the kitchen with the meal. He observed that Nodoka carried almost
everything, while a withdrawn Kasumi followed behind her with the tea, held
in her left hand, which was weird since she was right-handed.

[The phrase "which was weird" strikes me as being far too strong a
descriptive under the circumstances. I think "which struck him as odd" would
work better or perhaps "which caught his eye because...".]


Both had a sad, lost look to them. It was obvious to him that Genma's death
and his departure had a profound effect on them all.


The passing out of the food by Kasumi and Nodoka was mechanical, yet
efficient, with Nodoka passing out the heavier items, while Kasumi poured
the drinks. 

[Passive voice! Worse, the phrase "passing out" doesn't work at all.
Something like "Nodoka and Kasumi served the food..." would work better,
mostly because you would then be in active voice rather than passive voice.]

Still, there was almost an art form to what they were doing and interacting
with each other. Although, Kasumi had sent Akane to get him, by habit, he
was forgotten at the serving of the meal. He decided to serve himself and
let his mother and Kasumi sit down, rather than troubling them. The family
ate in silence. Nabiki reading her book while eating and everyone else just
looking at their plate like robots feeding themselves.
 
[Okay, zaxxon. I know where you are coming from with this. I've been there,
too--more than once. However, you really need to try again on the
descriptions. Using "mechanical" over and over again doesn't really get it
across, does it? What is missing is the joy. They aren't falling apart, but
they aren't quite holding it together, either, mostly because they lack
anything to look forward to. Or, at least, they don't think that they have
anything to look forward to.]


If he didn't know the reason, Ranma would have truly thought them all
androids in truth. 
 
[Delete the ending phrase "in truth". It contributes nothing but word count
and confusion to the sentence.]
 
When it became obvious to him that no one was going to talk at all during
the meal, and that since his departure, that had become the custom, he
decided that, this was one more thing he had to change.

[Passive voice again. "It quickly became obvious to Ranma that they were not
going to converse during the meal. Worse, it seemed that this sad state of
affairs had become habitual during his absence. Ranma was not having any of
that.
 
See the difference a change in voice makes? Active voice works better, even
when you are describing the dejected and down and out. Active voice is
especially needful when one of the characters is trying to improve overall
morale.]

So putting a bit of his ki into his voice, to ensure everyone at the table
heard him, he stated to no one in particular, "A month, no more."
 
[Passive voice again. Do not start this sentence with "So".

 Ranma put a bit of ki into his voice to ensure that everyone would pay
attention as he said to no one in particular, "A month, no more."]

Everyone could only stare at Ranma stupefied as if first noticing him at the
table. Finally, unable to contain herself, Nabiki asked, "A month for what,
Saotome-san?" 
 
"Why for long it will take to get the Dojo back up and running, Tendo-san,"
Ranma said sweetly. "Wouldn't you agree, Happosai, or would you rather I
call you, Seiji-san."
 
[Need a comma after the word "Why". Insert the word "how" between the words
"for" and "long". The proper honorific for Happosai in this context would be
"Oshishou-sama".] 
 
Soun could only blink his eyes in confusion.
 
"Come now, Happosai-san, you should know that there are only two fates for
those who to study anything of Hokuto Shin Ken," Ranma continued in a calm
voice. "Death or..."
 
 "Becoming the Successor," Happosai replied nervously as he came out of the
shadows. He was eyeing Ranma as a mouse eyes a hawk that lands next to him.
Nodoka and the Tendo sisters paled.
 
[The word "as" doesn't make it. Use "like a mouse eyes a hawk that
landed...". Note that the verb "lands" is in the wrong tense.]
 
"Have a seat, Happosai," Ranma commanded. In a gentler voice, he stated, "I
will abide by Kouryuu-sama's decision."
 
Relief flooded Happosai's body as he sat down, but he was still cautious of
this new Ranma. 
 
Working up her nerves, Nodoka timidly asked, "What this about 'death?'"
 
[The single quotes around the word death are unnecessary.]
 
Ranma sighed and with sad smile answered his mother, "That is the Hokuto
Law. There is to be only one Hokuto Shin Ken Successor, any other students
are to die..." 
 
[Insert a comma after the word "sighed".]
 
"And there is more then just death of the body," Happosai added quickly in
an attempt to less the shock of the news.
 
[Use "than" instead of "then". Use "lessen" instead of "less".]
 
Ranma nodded his head, and continued, "Yes, there's the death of the mind
and the death of the spirit, in this case, fighting spirit. "Those that fail
to become the new Successor face three possible outcomes: first, they could
be killed out-right, the Death of the Body; second, their knowledge of
Hokuto Shin Ken could be erased, the Death of the Mind, for that removes
anything associated with the Hokuto School, which includes memories, skills,
or more; and third, they can have their fists sealed, the Death of the
Spirit -- fighting spirit -- thus never again able to fight, even to defend
themselves." 

[Replace the colon after "outcomes" with a period. Begin a new sentence with
"First". Delete the extraneous double quote mark preceding "those". The
em-dashes are malformed. They should be used thus: "...the death of the
spirit--fighting spirit--thus...". I would replace all uses of "school" with
"ryuu".]



"Isn't that a bit harsh," Kasumi wondered.

[Kasumi asked.]

"No," Ranma replied without any hesitation. "Hokuto Shin Ken is far too
powerful to take any risks with improper use."

"But, what does that have to do with Happosai?" Nabiki asked.
 
Instead of answering her, Ranma asked her another question,
"Do you know where Ganso Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu came from?"

 Akane blinked and simply stated, "Happosai-san created it.

[Replace "simply stated" with the verb "said".]

 "True," Ranma agreed, "But you don't think he made it from scratch do you?"
 
"Hey," Happosai protested. He quieted down after a look from Ranma.

"As I said, those are the fates of those that study Hokuto Shin Ken and
don't become the next Successor," Ranma lectured.

[Don't run from the verb "said". It will not hurt you or your readers.
Replace "lectured" with "said".]

"As it happens, one of the students from sixtieth Successor had his fists
sealed, since he wasn't selected, but his knowledge of Hokuto Shin Ken
wasn't removed. Although he couldn't use it himself, he was able to impart a
bit of it to Sanga, who used that knowledge to create 'Hokumon No Ken (Fist
of the North Gate) [1].'

[I would replace the word "since" with the word "because", but that is a
judgment call. I think "because" would clarify the meaning. Also, I would
add "...impart a bit of it to another man (woman?) named Sanga, who..."
Replace the parenthesis with commas. The footnote marker should be outside
the period. Delete the extraneous single quote. Mind you, it is positively
execrable form to use parenthesis in dialogue.]



"This Hokumon No Ken was but a small lake to the large ocean that is Hokuto
Shin Ken. It was still very powerful, even though it lacked any of the gokui
of the Hokuto. 

[OOC Ranma. Very OOC Ranma, even if he has managed to pick up an education.
This is someone other than Ranma Saotome's voice. Also, "gokui" almost
certainly should be "okugi" or "ougi". Practitioners of the old art use
"okugi". Takahashi, along with the majority of Japanese who are in the habit
of using modern speech, uses "ougi". The word "gokui", as far as I am able
to determine, is an adverb rather than a noun, meaning "extremely".]

It was because of this lack of the gokui that it was allowed to continued,
although it is monitored from time to time.

[Read this one out loud and see if it doesn't clank on your ear the way it
does mine.]

And Sanga had three students it seems, Seiji of Japan and Cologne of the
Chinese Amazons. Both of Sanga's students were ignorant of the origin of
Hokumon and its actual name.

Since neither could fully master Hokumon, they only incorporated parts of it
into their own styles...

[Replace the ellipsis with a period.]

Cologne used only some of the tsubo point knowledge and some ki techniques
from Hokumon and added it to her village's Wu Shu. To further distant
himself, Seiji wisely changed his name to Happosai, and turned what he knew
of Hokumon into Ganso Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu. Correct, Happosai?"
 
[Consistency check: If they were ignorant of the origins of the Hokumon-ken,
why would Happosai feel compelled to change his name? By the way, I cannot
find "tsubo" in any dictionary, at least not without seeing the kanji, and
have never heard the term used elsewhere. This does not mean that your use
of "tsubo" is in error, but I do wish I could confirm it.]

"Hai," Happosai replied.
 
"I thought you said that Sanga-san had three students?" Nabiki inquired,
"Happosai and Cologne-san are only two..."
 
[Oh, for Pete's sake! Use "Nabiki asked"! And, get rid of that damned
ellipsis! Replace it with a period.]
 
"Yes," Ranma remarked. "I'll leave the third student and current Successor
unnamed since he doesn't concern us at the moment, so there's no point in
mentioning him at this time.[2]

[Stop running from the verb said! Use "said" or "answered" in lieu of the
flowery "remarked". The verb "remarked" is the wrong verb here anyway. Get
rid of the word "since" or better yet, just delete the ending phrase, "so
there's no point in mentioning him at this time."
 
I don't know what you did with the real Ranma, but this ain't his class of
diction. You really need to work on that.]

 "Anyways, which is why the 'Death of the Mind' would be very bad for me.
For Ganso Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu is a descendent of the Hokuto, if
indirectly, so I would of lost all my knowledge of the Arts I had learned.
And having my fists sealed with how my life is would have been just as bad."

[Read this one aloud. Read it aloud slowly so that you actually hear what
you wrote--then fix it. While you are at it, get rid of that extraneous
double quote preceding "Anyways".]

Everyone just sat there looking at Ranma.


"Getting back to the original conversation," Ranma continued. "Soun-san just
needs a few weeks to get back into shape, and a week or so for a priest to
purify the dojo before we re-open it to the public."

"A few weeks?" Soun and Happosai responded doubtfully.
 
"Yes," Ranma replied. "That was my father's plan."
 
"Gen-chan had a plan?" Nodoka asked surprised and a touch of awe in her
voice. 

[OOC Nodoka. She despises Genma in the canon. She would have asked, "My
husband had a plan?"]

Ranma nodded as he said, "Yeah... I'm as surprised as you are. More so,
since this plan will actually work."

"Nani?" Nabiki and Nodoka wondered.

[Use "asked" instead of "wondered" given that the question was verbalized.]

Ranma just smiled and handed over to Nodoka a scroll.

[Read the above aloud, then read the following aloud.
 
Ranma smiled at his mother as he handed her a scroll.]

She opened it, started to read it, and then dropped it startled. She
blushed, picked it up, and handed it backed to Ranma. He just waved the
scroll off to Happosai, who looked at it and nodded.
 
"Basically, it divides Ganso Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu into two halves... The
two halves, of course, are the Saotome and Tendo Ryuus.
 
[Ryuu, not ryuus. If you are going to use Japanese terms, use them
correctly.]
 
Saotome Ryuu would concentrate in the areas of unarmed techniques and aerial
maneuvers, while Tendo Ryuu would concentrate on weapons and ground
maneuvers. Both halves would teach a little of the other, and when both
halves are used together, that's the Ganso Ryuu."
 
It sounds simple to everyone, and worse, it made sense. But since it came
from Genma... 
 
["It sounded..." Replace the ellipsis with a period.]
 
Everyone tried to see what was wrong it, but couldn't. So, as with all
things that wasn't easily understood in Nerima, everyone just shrugged and
moved on. 

[You are back into narrative by the Omniscient Observer and are using
contractions. That's a major no-no, both because you shifted POV without
warning and because the Omniscient Observer should never be allowed to
indulge in contractions. Worse, the tenses are garbled. Read it aloud and
you will immediately hear it for yourself.]

Nodoka, Nabiki, and Kasumi asked Ranma of his time in China, to which he
told of the sight he saw, the mountains, the forests, the rivers, the
various temples and Dai Chin's Dojo. He even spoke of the Nanto Capital that
he and Ti Lin had gone to see the Nanto Emperor, to ensure that the Nanto
would not be troubled over one of the Nanto Rokusei Ken Master's death. For
as bad as Shin was, he was still one of the ruling Nanto Masters. In turn,
Ranma asked what had been happening in his absence in Nerima, but he only
got vague responses back. It was mentioned that a temporary truce had been
called until his return. Many had taken the time during his absence to go on
training trips. Soon the conversation turned to the college, how Nabiki and
Akane had been accepted to the same college, Nabiki as a business major and
Akane as a liberal arts major. Just as Nodoka was about to ask Ranma what
his college plans were, there was a sounding of the Dojo Challenge bell in
the back. Upon the hearing the bell, Ranma excused himself, got up and
headed towards the Dojo with only Soun and Happosai trailing after
apprehension him. He noted the fear and  on Kasumi and Akane's faces.
 
[Read the preceding paragraph aloud--then fix it! Better yet, trim it down.
Trim it down a lot! A lot of this is extraneous, contributing nothing to the
story and worse, it reads like a raw draft.]

As Ranma walked into the Dojo, he noticed a boy, slightly older than
himself, waiting there.
 
[Too passive. "Ranma found a boy slightly older than himself waiting in the
dojo."]
 
His sense told him that the boy was around Ukyou's martial arts level, a lot
of training and focus, but lacking in formal instruction and vision.
 
[Which sense? His commons sense? His sense of smell? His sense of sight?
Which sense?]


He noted that the boy's ki was somehow familiar.


It only took him a few seconds to match the ki of the boy's to the break in
Akane's right leg. 
 
[Squinting modifier. Only modifies the phrase "only a few seconds", but you
have it placed before the word "took". As best as this can be fixed, it's in
a clumsy for, is as follows:
 
"It took him only a few seconds to match the boy's ki with that lingering
around the break in Akane's right leg."
 
Now, a much better way would be to write something like, "Ranma needed only
a few seconds to match the boy's ki with that lingering around the break in
Akane's right leg."]


Of course, only someone with his knowledge would be able to tell that after
the amount of time that had passed, which Ranma figured was about a year and
an half ago. 
 
[Read this aloud. You overloaded the word "that". You can do better.]

The boy stood there in a traditional kempo gi, with a red-banana, and
finger-less gloves giving off a 'bad boy' attitude and smile.

[A red banana? The guy brought a banana to an artillery duel? What an
idiot!] 
 
Even before, such a person would have pissed Ranma off, but now... and
knowing that he broke Akane's leg... The boy had a puzzled look on his face
when he saw Ranma, and from the disappointed look on his face, he was
looking forward to beating Akane again.

[What is up with you and the ellipsis? Read this aloud--then fix it.]

Being formal, Ranma bowed to the boy and stated, "I am Ranma Saotome, Master
of the Saotome Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu, and you have come here to challenge
me, correct?" 
 
Neither Soun nor Happosai made any indications of anything being amiss with
Ranma claiming his father's title.
 
The boy laughed and said, "So you're the mysterious Ranma Saotome, I've been
looking for... You don't see much to me."
 
[Ooh! Now _that_ was a intimidating bit of dialogue. Ranma doesn't see much
to him? Come again? Get rid of that goddamned ellipsis!]
 
Ranma gave the boy a friendly smile and replied, "You don't see very well
then. Shall we begin?"


The boy nodded and charged in straight at him, hoping to catch Ranma by
surprise with his boldness and speed. But Ranma just yawned and easily avoid
the boy's punch, and delivered one of his one.

[Garbled tense. Read it aloud.]

Ranma's punch sent the boy flying back a few meters. For the entire match,
Ranma was the boy's shadow.

Everything the boy attempted to do, Ranma did it as well. But Ranma did not
just copy the boy's move for move, he improved upon them.

[Delete the word "it" between "did" and "as". Replace the period after the
word "well" with a comma, then de-capitalize the word "but". Replace "boy's"
with "boy".]

Where the boy was sloppy, Ranma was graceful. The boy was as focused as a
fog bank, while Ranma was as tight as a laser beam. It was clear to both
Soun and Happosai that Ranma was simply limiting himself to his opponent's
skill and power level. Yet, Ranma was clearly the superior fighter. Since
neither knew that the School of Hokuto believe in fighting an opponent on
equal footing, they thought that Ranma's behavior was a left-over from the
old Ranma. In a short of matter of time, the boy exhausted himself with all
his flash and wasted posing, yet Ranma was as fresh and ready as before the
match began. Upon seeing this, Ranma sighed and walked out of the Dojo, with
Soun and Happosai trailing behind.
 
[Huh? Read this aloud. It is full of mistakes you should easily catch. Also,
it is a gross amalgamation of POV. You use Ranma's POV, the Omniscient
Observer's POV and that of Soun and Happosai all in a single paragraph.
Yech! Worse, it's OOC Ranma--old or new. This guy would not have left my
dojo without a broken leg and it's hard for me to believe that Ranma let him
leave without a broken leg. In other words, we readers are left at sea with
this one--despite all the dry narrative preceding the action.]

Upon returning to the dining room, Akane in a haunted voice asked, "Who...
Who was the challenger?"

[Akane asked in haunted voice, "Who...who was the challenger?"
 
You finally used an ellipsis correctly, but strained verisimilitude to its
maximum. Akane did not go see who was in the dojo? Ranma is not concerned
that she never came out to the dojo? He does not reflect on the rather
important fact that Akane never came out to the dojo. Surely he would at
least take this as a sign of how bad Akane's morale is.]

"Just some street fighter looking to make a name for himself," Ranma replied
causally. To change the subject, he said, "So what's on TV?"


Nodoka commented that some special was on, but that she and Kasumi needed to
clean up after dinner. Ranma wouldn't hear of his mother missing some
program on TV while he was perfectly capable of cleaning everything himself.
With very little convincing he was able to send his mother, Soun, Happosai,
Nabiki and Akane off to the living room.  Only Kasumi was reluctant to go
while there were still dirty dishes around.
 
[Huh!]
 
He knew with the Hokuto he could force her to go watch TV easily, but he
didn't wish to, so he compromised and allowed Kasumi to help him. It also
gave him a chance to examine Kasumi more, and find out why she only took the
kettle and only used her weak, left hand. With Ranma there, and taking the
lion's share, cleaning the dishes from the meal with easy.
 
[Read this aloud.]
 
He noted that at no time did Kasumi try to hold anything in her right hand,
only her left. In fact, he couldn't recall at any point when Kasumi used her
right hand much at all during his time there. After finishing, Ranma felt
forced to use the Hokuto to make Kasumi show him her right hand. He could
see and feel the tears forming in her eyes as he examine it.
 
[Garbled tenses.] 
 
What he found didn't sit well with him. He noted that her right hand had
been severely injured at some point five months prior or so, while the bone
themselves had healed, the nerve endings and muscles did not.

[Read this one aloud. The tenses and number are mismatched and you have a
squinting modifier in it.]

Thus preventing Kasumi from gripping or holding anything with her right
hand. 
 
[Sentence fragment.]
 
Ranma sighed, and using the Hokuto gently, he asked Kasumi to tell him what
happened. Kasumi replied that some Warrior-Princess from China had come
looking for him while he was away. Said Warrior-Princess wasn't happy that
he wasn't there, and had took her frustrations out on Akane and Kasumi, who
had been in the Dojo as a witness to the challenge.
 
[Garbled tenses. Who answered the challenged and who witnessed the fight?
Fighting and challenging are separate things and so is witnessing, yet the
way this is written, we cannot tell one from the other. You have jammed too
much story into too small a space. If you are going to tell us a story, then
tell us the story! Don't waste our time with this kind of perfunctory
telling of the tale. You are writing fiction, not a fucking book report!]
 

Kasumi said that Akane had both her legs broken by said Warrior-Princess,
and then went to destroy Kasumi's right hand before Happosai drove her off.
While the Hospital was able to mend Akane's legs, they couldn't completely
fix Kasumi's hand. 

[Wait! I thought that guy Ranma fought out in the dojo a few minutes ago
broke one of Akane's legs? Now you're telling us that this mysterious
princess broke her legs. Akane got one leg broken twice? You want us to look
down on her after she has been beaten to a pulp this many times. Hell,
Bubba! I'd be wallowing in self-pity a little myself.]

Towards the end of her tale, Kasumi began to cry. The old Ranma would have
panicked then, but the new Ranma, with coaching from Ti Lin's spirit, took
Kasumi into his embrace and let her cry herself out.
  
With a gently smile, Ranma asked, "Feel better?"

[Read this aloud.]

Kasumi nodded, a bit embarrassed.
 
"Now that you do," Ranma stated, "I can see about fixing your hand."
 
[Use said, dammit!]
 
"But, Ranma," Kasumi protested, "All the doctors said that was impossible."
 
"For them, maybe, it is," Ranma replied calmly, "but they don't have Hokuto
Shin Ken's knowledge of the body and ki."
 
[Can he raise the dead as well?]
 
Kasumi watched with mixed emotions as Ranma touched various spots on her
hand and forearm seemingly at once.
 
[Read this one aloud.]
 
Then he gently pushed on her forearm down to her hand as if pushing
something out from her forearm out through her fingers.
 
[Whoa, man! That had to hurt!]
 
Afterwards, there was a bit in tingling in her fingers, and then, for the
first time, since the Warrior-Princess had injured her, she could move her
fingers and gingerly grip something.

[Shift in POV from Ranma to Kasumi. No transition employed.]
 
"Thank you, Ranma," Kasumi said with a kiss.
 
 
Ranma blushed and stammered out a 'It was nothing.'
 
[Why the single quotes around the dialogue?]

The others in the living room were surprised to Kasumi with a smile on her
face and a big bowl of popcorn in her hand. They were shocked to see Kasumi
both hands properly again.

[Read this aloud.]

Nabiki voiced the question of their minds, "How --"
 
[POV is blundering all over the place. At this point, it's impossible to
tell whose POV is in charge. Replace the em-dash with an ellipsis.]
 
"There is little that Hokuto Shin Ken can't do," Ranma replied. "It isn't
just about killing."
 
["...can't do," Ranma said, cutting Nabiki off before she could finish her
question. "There's much more to it than just killing."]

With that everyone settled in with popcorn and watched the rest of the
special. 
 
[It must've been one hell of a special.]
 
Several hours later, everyone but Ranma ended to bed.
 
[Read this one aloud.]
 
Before she headed to the guest room, Ranma stopped his mother and said,
"Mom, Pops left something else behind, beside that scroll."
 
"Oh?" Nodoka wondered.

[Asked, not wondered.]
 
"Here," Ranma replied and handed her a book. "Originally, I guess, Pops
wanted to document our training trip and all, but that lasted only for a
little while, about the first five pages. The rest of the book are... poems
he wrote for you."
 
[Is, not are. Book is the subject. Replace "poems" with poetry.]

Ranma blushed a bit at that last part. Nodoka smiled and said, "Thank you,
Ranma. I'm sure your father is very proud of you."
 
[OOC Ranma. OOC Nodoka. OOC Genma--probably.]
 
 
As he watched Nodoka continue on to the guest room, he thought, //Who would
ever imagine that Genma was such a great poet.// His son wouldn't have, yet
he couldn't find any evidence of plagiarism. It was one of those mysteries
of Life.

[The doubled slashes are unnecessary and distracting. Why would Ranma think
of his father as "Genma" when he always referred to him as "Oyaji" or
"Kuso-oyaji"? Once again, you have fallen victim to a wobbly POV.]

Once everyone was off to bed, Ranma headed out of the Tendo-ke and moved
swiftly to NIT's Medical Building.
 
[Delete the article "the" between the preposition "of" and the proper noun,
"Tendo-ke". What is NIT?]

There he entered an office of one of the medical professors that was still
occupied. 
 
[Comma required after "There". How is it that one of the professors was
occupied?]
 
Within the office was Doctor Ichiro Choshi, a sixty-two year old
Chinese-Japanese physician.
 
"Greetings, Choshi-sensei," Ranma softly greeted the old doctor.
 
Doctor Choshi jumped upon Ranma's greeting him, since he was sure that he
had locked his office and never heard anyone enter his office.
 
[Use "at" instead of "upon".]
 
I'm out of time again, zaxxon. More tomorrow.
 
Don.


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