Zaxxon,
 
I almost gave this a pass, but you have gone to a lot of trouble for me, so
I guess it's my turn to carry out the painful duty of giving you C&C. You
are not going to like what I have to say.
 
First grump: Please, I know it isn't required, but it would help enormously
if you would insert blank lines between paragraphs.
 
Second grump: You are making many of the same mistakes that have plagued my
own writing for a long time. That means I have to tear this thing to pieces.
 
Third grump: You ain't gonna like it, but what else am I to do? I owe you
the help. 
 
Find a piece of leather to chew on, 'cause here it comes!
 
My comments are enclosed in square [] brackets.
 
Don.
= - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - =
 
[In general, there is way too much narrative here, and not near enough
dialogue and action. More on that in my closing remarks.]

Ranma Saotome sat in the Tendo Dojo meditating. It was easier to meditate in
the dojo then facing the Tendos themselves.

For the past two years or so, he had been in China, and now he was back in
Japan, City of Tokyo, Nerima Ward.... As he reflected on the events of the
past two and half years, he was forced him to acknowledge the simple fact,
he was a killer. That he always had a 'Killer's Heart.'
 
[Way, way too long of a sentence, which is made up of a curious splice using
a malformed ellipsis, followed by a sentence fragment that is punctuated as
though it were a sentence.
 
It needs to be cut. You are aiming at an audience that already knows much of
the information you are giving here. We already know where the Tendo Dojo
is. Don't bother telling us "...Japan, City of Tokyo, Nerima Ward..."
Replace the malformed ellipsis, an ellipsis has only three dots, with a
period. Something like:
 
"He was just back from a two year stint in China."
 
Would fill the bill.
 
Taking up the next problem we have "As he reflected on the events of the
past two and a half years, he was forced him to acknowledge..."
 
At the very least, you should delete the extraneous "him" following
"forced". 
 
Was it two years, or two and a half years?
 
Last problem:
 
"That he always had a 'Killer's Heart.'
 
First, it's a sentence fragment, not a sentence.
 
Second, you should never use single quotes for emphasis unless the
emphasized item is already inside a pair of double quotes, as in a line of
dialogue. At all other times, you should use double quotes.
 
Third, when using quotes for emphasis, the trailing quote goes INSIDE the
period, exclamation point, or question mark, not outside.]


He wished it to be otherwise, but the truth remained. He was a killer. Pure
and simple. 
 
["Pure and simple" is a sentence fragment, not a sentence and should have
been included as part of the preceding sentence thus:
 
"He was a killer, pure and simple."
 
Better, would be to use a semi-colon:
 
"He wished it were otherwise, but the truth remained; he was a killer, pure
and simple."
 
I generally avoid using semi-colons and colons in prose. It's better for the
sanity of readers if I write that way.]

 
True, in the past two and half years, he had only killed a handful of
people, Saffron didn't count, but before that, he had never taken a single
life. 
 
[It's a good rule of thumb to avoid contractions in narrative. In this case,
it clashes horribly with the narrative voice you have chosen. Use "did not"
in lieu of "didn't".]
 
But the fact remained that he was a killer.
 
[Another good rule of thumb is to avoid using conjunctions to begin a
sentence. When you do use a conjunction to start a sentence, the conjunction
should be followed by a comma. In this case, I would replace the conjunction
"but" with the word "Still".]
 
One did not learn the Hokuto Shin Ken, the North Dipper Godfist, without a
Killer's Heart, for it was a killing art. In contrast, Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu
(Indiscriminate Grappling Martial Arts School) was a non-killing art.
 
[Another sound rule of thumb is to avoid the use of parenthesis like the
plague when writing fiction. It jars your readers right out of the story. It
is also, not surprisingly, a good idea to avoid their use in non-fiction. In
any case, I share your distress with these noun phrases the Japanese use to
name martial arts techniques, and have yet to arrive at a method of handling
them that makes me comfortable.

FYI, I did finally find all the kanji for "Hokuto Shin Ken" and it does
indeed mean "North Dipper God Fist". Hoku=North To=Dipper or Ladel Ken=Fist,
with the adviso that "ken" very often means much, much more than "fist", and
usually refers to a heavy-duty ki technique. Be advised that several
dictionaries will blythely explain that "Hokuto" refers to Ursa Majoris, or
the "Great Bear". It's the same constellation, and the Brits very often
refer to the "Big Dipper" as the "Plowman".
 
Summing up, I would write the techniques as follows:
 
"One did not learn the Hokuto Shin-ken, or North-dipper God-fist, without a
"Killer's Heart", for it was a killing art. In contrast, Musabetsu Kakuto
Ryuu, or Indiscriminate Fighting School, was a non-killing art."
 
After you have translated them once you should drop then English language
versions altogether. Or at least, that is what I would do for this kind of
yarn. It's your call because this is your story. In any case, you really
should get rid of the parenthesis. Also make note of the comma placements
vis a vis the use of double quotes for emphasis.]
 

It lacked any true killing techniques, since it was meant just for escaping
a crowd out for your blood after you stole something from them.


Even the Saotome Forbidden Techniques were meant solely for getting in,
getting out, and escaping, not for direct confrontation or a prolong battle
with either a single opponent or a group of opponents.
 
[Too long of a sentence. Break it up, or better yet, just cut off some of
the stuff on the end.]

He vaguely wondered how his life had turned out so. Once, his only dream was
to become a Master of Saotome Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu. But that was no longer
a possibility. Where had his dream been derailed, he wondered. Sighing, he
knew.

His dream was derailed by Shin, the Nanto Koshuu Ken Denshousha (South
Dipper Lone Eagle Fist Successor), that he had stumbled upon almost three
years ago, while on a class field trip.

[Without seeing the kanji, it is hard for me to say what "Koshuu" means, but
there is no "South Dipper". There is a Southern Cross, but there is no
Southern Dipper. Conceivably, the Japanese might consider the belt and sword
of Orion to be another dipper, even perhaps a "Southern Dipper" but it is
not particularly far south and it traverses the sky complete from east to
west, unlike _Ursa Majoris_, which revolves around Polaris, never going
completely out of sight in the northern hemisphere, so long as the northern
horizon is visible.]
 
His fight, if you can call it that, with Shin lasted about five seconds, and
ended with him being left for dead. But he survived. Barely. But there was a
price. 
 
[The first sentence clanks rather badly on the mind's ear and then it is
followed with a sentence fragment, which is then followed by sentence
started with a conjunction. Your problem here is that you have not settled
on a POV. You are trying to use the tone of an independent and omniscient
observer relating facts to the reader, but are also trying to let the reader
here Ranma's thinking directly. That never works. The omniscient observer's
POV is a dangerous and difficult POV to work with, and this is one of the
reasons why. It is very difficult to maintain the sort of narrative voice
required to deliver a story with that POV. Worse, it puts a great deal of
distance between the reader and Ranma. It becomes very hard for us to
identify with him and his plight--more on this later.
 
Now, let's see can we fix this jumble of sentence and sentence fragments
while also fixing the narrative voice:
 
"His fight with Shin, if it could be called such, lasted for somewhat less
than five seconds. It ended with Ranma being left for dead, but he somehow
survived. His survival came with a price. Shin had marked him..."
 
Notice the change in VOICE. Use your own wording if you want, far be it from
me to prescribe your diction, but you MUST use a narrative voice that suits
this point of view, or you should go back and have Ranma relate this entire
thing to us in HIS voice, not that of some omniscient third party.]



Shin had marked him. His life was forever changed. It was Cologne that
mentioned that the only School that could counter the powerful Nanto Holy
Fist styles was the legendary School of the Hokuto Shichisei (Ursa Major)
Constellation... 
 
[Why the ellipsis? Replace the ellipsis with a period. Also, Hokuto
Shichisei means North Dipper Seven-stars". "Hoku Shichisei, on the other
hand, would mean "North Seven Stars. Also, there is no constellation named
"Ursa Major" it is "_Ursa Majoris_". "_Ursa Majoris_" is Latin, so it should
also have underscores as in, _Ursa Majoris_. I sometimes forget to do that
as well. Having said this, the Big Dipper cum North Dipper cum Plowman is
only a subset of _Ursa Majoris_. _Ursa Majoris_ proper, has something like
three times that many stars in it. The Big Dipper, on the other hand, only
has seven and they are the seven brightest stars, considering only apparent
magnitudes, in _Ursa Majoris_.]
 
So like the fool that he was, he had set out to find this legendary School
of the 'Great Bear' Constellation, with the idea of learning a few
techniques from that school, using them against Shin, beat him up until he
would leave his friends and family alone, and things would return to normal
just like when he had learned the Hiryu Shoten Ha from Cologne to deal with
the Ultimate Weakness Point that Happosai had applied to him.
 
[Woa! That is one honkin' great big sentence, Bubba! Break that bad boy up!]
 
He should have known it would not be that easy...
 
[Spurious use of an ellipsis where a period is required.]

Still, he was determined. Fired up by his mother's speech about finding
himself and that nothing was impossible for him, he set off for China. He
spent several months searching the country-side of China looking for the
sixty-third Hokuto Shin Ken Successor, Ti Lin.
 
[countryside] [You could have used "Chinese countryside" and saved a little
on word count.]
 
Not that he knew her name until much later.
  
[Sentence Fragment. Again, this is the product of having a confused POV and,
therefore, a weak narrative voice.]
 
Or even that the Hokuto Shin Ken Successor was a woman, especially one that
had a past with Shin.
 
[Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions! This one reads like a sentence
fragment, even though it isn't, causing the reader to stumble and fall right
out of your story. NOT GOOD!]
 
 
His desire for Justice, his potential in the Art, and the need to stop Shin
impressed Ti Lin into taking him on as her student.

[This sentence is too long and doesn't really make a lot of sense if you
read it carefully. Focus on what it is you want to say, then write it out.
The word "justice" should not be capitalized in this context.]

For six months, he constantly trained with her day and night in the
techniques of the Hokuto Shin Ken, which came easily to him. Too easily, he
now reflected. 
 
[This one clanks. Again, it is a problem with your not having firmly
established which POV you want to use, that of the omniscient observer, or
that of Ranma. The result is a limp piece of narrative that lacks punch.
Using the Omniscient observer's POV alone we get something like:
 
"He trained with her constantly for six months. Every day and far into each
night, they trained and trained hard. The techniques of the Hokuto Ken-shin
came to him easily--too easily in retrospect."
 
See? All that intransitive, passive voice stuff evaporates once you choose
and stick with a particular POV.]

It was as if he had known the techniques along, but just hadn't used them
for a very long time.


Although, everyone had told him that the Hokuto Shin Ken was an assassin's
art, he just ignored them.

[Delete the comma after "although". I would also delete the word "just".
Such usage is a poor habit of speech and it makes an ill fit with this POV.]

It wasn't the techniques themselves, he told himself, but how they were used
that decided if the technique were killing techniques or not.


 And he thought, at the time, he wasn't a killer, so he could safely use
them. 

[Comma after the conjunction "and". This is the rare case of sentence
started with a conjunction that actually works, but not without the comma.
The phrase "he thought" is actually a "parenthetic phrase" and requires a
comma on both ends.]

As he would learn over the years, Hokuto Shin Ken wasn't like that.

[You are overusing the passive voice, dulling what would otherwise be
tolerable, if a dragging narrative. Also, avoid the use of contractions in
narrative. 
 
"He learned in succeeding years, much to his horror, that the Hokuto
Shin-ken was not so easily controlled."
 
See? No passive voice. Make your stuff stand up so that people will pay
attention to it. They won't read it when it is dull and passive.]

The Three Holy Schools, Hokuto, Nanto, and Gento, were not like any other
Martial Arts. 

Where as the others Martial Arts were just human imitation of animals, the
Three Holy Schools, they and they alone, were based not on any animal or
such, but on Man, himself, nor were they created by Man, but the Divine.

[Whereas instead of "where as". It's one word.]

All this did not even register with Ranma until Ti Lin had sent him out to
deal with a giant that was killing children in rural areas to 'help deal
with the over-population.'
 
["None of this registered with..." instead of "All this did not even
register...". The latter is a Southerner's habit of speech and a bad one at
that. Worse, it does not fit the narrative voice you need to use.]
 
Without meaning to, he had killed the giant when he applied one of the
techniques he had learned from Ti Lin...
 
[Spurious use of an ellipsis, compounded by a confused verb tense. Worse, it
is in passive voice which you are overusing.
 
He killed the giant without meaning to when he used on of the techniques he
had learned from Ti Lin.]
 
Immediately after that, emotionally tired, confused, and hurt, Ranma had
left Ti Lin to return home, to try to go back to what was. Only you can
never go home again....
 
[More of the same. I hereby leave the correction of this one as an exercise
for the author.]

As soon as he entered the Tendo home, he knew something was wrong.
 
[Passive voice again.
 
"He knew something was wrong as soon as he entered Tendo-ke."]


Akane was the one that told him that his father, Genma, had just a few weeks
before went after Shin, by himself, in the hope that he, Ranma, wouldn't
have to. 
 
[Too much info in a single sentence as well as using passive voice.
 
"Akane told him what had happened to Genma. Just a few weeks prior to
Ranma's arrival, his father had gone after Shin by himself, hoping to save
Ranma the trouble."
 
OOC GENMA! EXTREMELY OOC GENMA! I do not often make much of a point on this
kind of issue, but unless you are willing to spend some time and expend many
words building Genma's character, you are better served to have Shin come
around looking for Ranma and killing Genma because Ranma is not there--or
some other such plot device. The reason I stress this is because it blows
the story's verisimilitude right out of the Ranmaverse.]


Shin had killed Genma in five seconds flat, even the Saotome Forbidden
Techniques were no match for the Nanto Lone Eagle Fist.
 
[So this Shin character easily weathered the Yamasen-ken and easily saw
through the Umisen-ken. Once again, absent adequate explication,
verisimilitude is destroyed. You need to expend enough words to explain this
one, or you need to change the premise. Ranma apparently never gave serious
consideration to using either technique against the formidable Shin, so why
would the rather cowardly Genma try it?]

Getting Shin's location from Nabiki, Ranma went to confront Shin.
 
[Too many uses of Shin in the same sentence. Employ the pronoun "him" in
lieu of the second instance of Shin.]
 
The fight was not going well for Ranma, since he was still using Musabetsu
Kakuto Ryuu. Then, in a moment of realization, he finally understood Hokuto
Shin Ken. 
 
[Failure in consistency. Ranma has already successfully used this technique,
nyet? The author is trying to reveal entirely too much of his back-story in
woefully inadequate narrative.]
 
 
In that very moment, the fight was over. He simply used Hokuto Shin Ken's
divine knowledge of hidden tsubo points to shut-down Shin's body... Trapping
a helpless Shin within his own body as it slowly died.

[Again, the spurious use of an ellipsis, this time in lieu of a comma. Also,
this explanation leaves the reader scratching his head. Also, there are two
males being discussed in the narrative and the pronoun "he" lacks a proper
antecedent.
 
"Ranma simply used Hokuto Shin-ken's divine knowledge of hidden tsubo points
to shutdown Shin's body, trapping him within his own body as it slowly
died."
 
This still doesn't make good sense to me, but at least now it is properly
punctuated. I hereby forbid you to use the ellipsis until such time as you
fully understand its proper use.]

Standing over his Father's grave, Ti Lin had told him about of the life of
all Hokuto Shin Ken Successors were filled with sorrow, loneliness, and
Duty. 

[Read this one aloud, zaxxon. You'll spot the problem immediately, I'm sure.
BTW, reading one's prose aloud is the one of the best methods I have found
to spot the more glaring mistakes.]

For of the three Holy Schools, Hokuto reigned over all.

[Too passive. "Hokuto reigned supreme over the other Holy Schools." Mind
you, I think I'd change "holy" to "Sacred", but that is strictly a judgment
call.]

Many, such as Shin, did not take it too kindly having a mere girl reigning
over them. 
 
[Read this on aloud. If you don't spot the problem, drop me a line.]


Thus Shin went about gathering support to prove that the time of Hokuto's
reign of the three Holy Schools was over, stating that Ti Lin was not worthy
of the Hokuto, and to prove it: he had challenged her, beat her, and left
her for dead. 
 
[Way, way too long! The colon does not cover your ass. A semi-colong might,
but you're well advised to avoid using both. If it requires either, it is
probably too long or it is too complex or it is both.]


But she, like Ranma, survived her encounter with Shin, but was then
challenged by others seeing her as weak as Shin claimed.
 
[Why the "but". You don't need the "but" and it makes this sentence clank.
 
"She, like Ranma, survived her encounter with Shin. But, her near defeat by
him caused others to believe his claims. Challenge after challenge came her
way."
 
Get rid of the wishy-washy, dull, limp, no-backbone passive voice!]

Although, she survived each challenge, she was not given the time to full
heal before the next challenger showed up.
 
[No comma after "Although". The phrase "she survived each challenge" is not
parenthetic. Again, you are using passive voice. Re-write it using active
voice.]

Ti Lin had convinced Ranma that a successor to Hokuto Shin Ken was needed,
among her reasoning where the fact that there were other like Shin out there
in world that only a Hokuto Shin Ken Successor could deal with, and that
Shin was but one of the six Nanto Roku Sei Ken Masters that ruled over the
other one hundred two Nanto Styles.

[Way, way too long! Among her reasoning where the fact? Read this aloud,
zaxxon. Also, use active voice, not passive voice. The "intransitive
vampire" is sucking all the life out of your story.]


So Ranma informed his mother and the Tendos that he needed to go off on a
long training trip, to gather himself after Genma's death, head off any
retaliation from the Nanto for Shin's death, and to fulfill his promise to
Ti Lin for her help against Shin.

[The word "so" almost always needs to be followed by a comma and this is
such a case. You would do better to replace with a phrase of some kind,
perhaps, "Convinced that Ti Lin was right, Ranma informed..."]


With a little coaching from Ti Lin, he was able to give the impression that
he would be gone only for several years to improve himself, protect his
mother and the Tendos, and return there after.

[For only several years? Only several years? We need the article "to" ahead
of "protect". You may not need it, but we readers need it. Come to think of
it, the phrase "so that he could" might work better than the poor little old
"to". Use "thereafter" instead of "there after". Also, this is in passive
voice again. 
 
Ti Lin coached him enough that he had little trouble convincing everyone
that...]


What he didn't say was that protecting his mother and the Tendos from a
Nanto retaliation was something that Ti Lin could do with a quick meeting
with the Nanto Emperor.

[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative!]

He couldn't just come out and say that he was going to China to become the
next Hokuto Shin Ken Successor. But that was what he did.

[Avoid the use of contractions in narrative! Replace the period after
"Successor" with a comma and de-capitalize "But".]

He spent the next several years, studying day and night to learn everything
that a Hokuto Shin Ken Successor needed to know, which also included an
secular education. 

[Consistency check! First you told us he picked this stuff like he always
picks up a new technique, now you're telling us that it's taking him
"several years" to get it down. Which is it?]


And just last week, he learned the final lesson from Ti Lin, the Law of the
Hokuto School. 

[Avoid starting sentences with conjunctions.]

There can be only one Hokuto Shin Ken Successor. The battle for Succession,
which took place in the holy grounds of Hokuto Renkitouza as Tradition
dictated, shook the very Heavens themselves. In the end, Ranma had learned
his lessons too well. In honor of his fallen sensei's memory, he had watched
the Hokuto Shichisei Constellation dim in the Heavens, which then followed
by the blazing rebirth of that same constellation in honor of the new Hokuto
Shin Ken Successor, himself.
 
[Is this the actual canon? Bleh! You are required to kill the person who
spent years teaching you your skills? You can't just let them live out their
existence and die of natural causes? This runs contrary to everything I've
ever learned in this particular field.]

So Ranma sat in the Tendo Dojo wondering about his life and how it turned
out, in the past two years, he had killed three people, that nameless giant
back in China, Nanto Lone Eagle Fist Successor Shin, and his beloved Sensei,
Ti Lin, who died in order to fulfill the Hokuto Law.

[Two years or several? Also, this sentence is WAY TOO LONG!]



Thanks to the Musou Tensei (Nil-thought Reincarnation), Ti Lin's soul
resided within him, so he was never alone. Ti Lin had explained the Hokuto
Law to him... That there could only be one Successor and all others had to
have their fists sealed or their Hokuto knowledge removed... To avoid the
danger of Hokuto Shin Ken falling into the wrong hands like Shin's, only
using the Nanto Lone Eagle Fist style, he was able to take over all the
criminal activities in Tokyo without any difficulties, it would be too
horrorable to imagine what he could have done if someone like him knew the
Hokuto Shin Ken. 

[Huh? Read this aloud, zaxxon. It is one bloody great run-on that no reader
can untangle with a single reading. Oh, it's "horrible", not "horrorble".
You are, once again, trying to jam way too much back-story into too little
narrative.]
 

Thus, the teachings of the Hokuto had to be protected, and passed only from
father to a single son/daughter.
 
[Now suddenly the canon seems even worse, assuming it is canon. You have to
kill your Dad if you are in this school? Sheesh. This bad-boy is fixin' to
need a dark tag.]

In the space of several years he had gone from a freshman student at
Furinkan High School and practicer of the Saotome Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu to
an advance student in a foreign exchange college program and the sole
Successor to the over two thousand year old, legendary Hokuto Shin Ken...
 
[Practitioner, not practicer. Make up your mind on schedule. Is it two
years? Ten years? Five years? What is "several"? If you don't know, your
readers are for damned sure not going to know.]
 
Now, anyone who has read my drafts knows that I have the devil's own time
getting a story started. I can see from this that you have the same problem.
I think your main problem here is that you have a whopping good story
muddled up in this  whopping great big chunk of narrative and you are trying
to skip over it to its sequel. I feel for you because I know all about that
problem. Do yourself a favor and write the story you have buried in this
narrative, then move on to the next piece.
 
This is all I can do for today, zaxxon. I'll work on this some more
tomorrow. I'll post this much for now, and post the rest as I get to it.
 
Don.


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