Time to do some commenting.

On Fri, 8 Nov 2002, The Eternal Lost Lurker wrote:

~futatsu~ mihama-ke asogohan

	A bit of nitpicking. 'Asagohan' is breakfast, not asogohan. :)

Chiyo blinked, then ran a hand through her slightly dissheveled brown hair.
"Ah! I decided not to put my hair up this morning. I'm going off to college
soon, so I need to look more mature, ne?"

	If I look at the series in a more serious light, I'd wonder why
Chiyo didn't do something like that sooner--when she became a second-year
and started getting annoyed at being looked down on by the first years.
But then I think to myself, it's a comic series, shut up, Andrew. :)

"So Chiyo, you're really going to America then?" asked Kagura, the
well-tanned, competitive athlete of the group.

"Un!" Chiyo nodded. "I'm not sure when exactly, but before the end of the
summer I'll be moving to America. I'm excited, but a little nervous."

"So what school?" Tanizaki Yukari, the former homeroom teacher of the
recently-graduated girls asked. "Harvard? Berkeley? MIT?"

	I know that there have been some people reading the fic who
haven't read Azumanga, but describing some of the characters like that
(Kagura and Yukari-sensei here, Nyamo a little later on) somewhat
interrupts the flow of the narrative and feels a little wordy.

The young girl giggled. "Texas!"

The others blinked. "Texas?" Tomo asked.

"Un!" Chiyo said, taking a bite of pancake. "That's what my dad's setting up
for me. An exchange program at a university in Texas."

	Don't you dare lay a hand on Chiyo until she's legal, Lurker. e.e
;)

Chiyo returned a moment later, giggling, and waved around a large white
cowboy hat, which she then placed on her head.

The tall, aloof Sakaki stared at her, then her cheeks started to flame.
"...kawaii..." she murmured softly.

	Yes, I'll have to agree with Sakaki. That's a diabetic moment. o.o

"Yes, it's very cute," Kurosawa Minamo, the girls' former gym teacher,
added, smiling at the young girl.

	Yeah, like I mentioned above...especially with all the commas that
are added in as a result.

Osaka frowned thoughtfully. "So instead of riding Tadakichi-san, Chiyo-chan
is going to ride a cow in Texas?"

Chiyo sweatdropped. "I hadn't thought about riding a cow..."

"Nobody rides cows!" Tomo said, slapping her palms on the table and standing
suddenly. "In Texas, you ride a BULL!"

	Wrong! In Canada, they have RIDING COWS!
	Sorry, inside joke.

Tomo leapt onto the table, nearly upsetting several dishes. "Boy or girl,
cow or bull, it doesn't matter! Because Chiyo-chan is going to go to Texas
and take the bull by the balls and be the best!"

	...

Everyone stared at her.

Chiyo turned an unusual color. "I don't want to take a bull by the balls,"
she whined.

"Don't they eat bull balls in some places?" Osaka asked.

"It's a delicacy," Yomi nodded.

	Argle. o_o

A while later, many of the others had left to take care of things, but Osaka
and Sakaki were still at Chiyo's house. Sakaki was presently engrossed in
playing in the yard with Maya and Tadakichi-san, and Osaka was relaxing in

	That's our Sakaki.

the spacious furo, not having taken the time to bathe that morning or the
night before.

She was about to fall asleep when the door slid open and Chiyo joined her.
"Ah, Chiyo-chan," she said sleepily. "Thanks for lettin' me use your furo."

"It's no problem at all," Chiyo smiled. A few moments passed in silence as
the younger girl scrubbed and showered, then slid into the hot water across
from her friend. Chiyo frowned cutely. "Ne, Osaka-san," she began.

"Hmm?"

"It's...you seem a little...distracted today."

"Ara?" Osaka looked at the younger girl, and smiled. "No, really, it's okay,
Chiyo-chan. I'm just thinking."

Chiyo shook her head. "No, I can tell something's bothering you." She looked
down, eyes shimmering. "I...I want to help, because Osaka-san is a good
friend, and I just want to help if I can. I don't like seeing my friends
upset."

	Wonderful moment between the two, this scene is. Gives real depth
to their friendship.

The dark-haired girl shrugged. "I can't ever get my head together, so Tou-sa
thinks sending me to college is a waste of money. They say I don't have any
ambition, so the best thing is to get me married so I can have kids."

	Ah, that reminds me. One of the problems I had from the start of
the first part. But I'll talk about that below, at the end.

Chiyo remained in the furo long after Osaka had dried, dressed, and left.
Long past the point where her fingers began to prune from the water, she sat
there.

"Osaka-san..."

	Very nice work so far, overall. Looking forward to more.

	Anyway. The problem I have with the whole college thing is that
generally, in Japan, college is a time to slack off and goof around for
four years. From elementary school through middle and high school, kids
are studying like mad, working their asses off to get to the next level of
education, culminating in the college exams. Those exams and getting into
a particular college is the indication of their ability, rather than what
they end up doing in college. You make it into Toudai, you're set--you
don't actually have to do all that much while you're there. So in effect,
Osaka has proven herself already by passing the exams.
	However, I don't want to let something like that totally ruin your
fic or anything, so I'm trying to see a way around it. I guess the thing
is, there's got to be some exceptions somehow. I'm sure it's not
completely universal. Possibly, Osaka only got into some third or fourth
tier school, one where some effort would actually have to be put in
somehow. I think. You'd just have to make that clear, possibly in the
conversation that her parents have.... Hrm, I dunno. I'll have to ask some
of my Japanese friends about college in more detail.

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!


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