Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma][fanfic] Ten - Chapter 09
From: Michael A Chase
Date: 11/9/2002, 10:52 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com, R E


Suggested changes: {before : after}

On Sun, 10 Nov 2002 14:09:26 +1300 R E <ranma_e@hotmail.com> wrote:

"Yes," the boy said with a nod.  "You're aboard the Leviathan Spring, a
top-secret research vessel submerged about ten kilometres off the west
coast of Japan."

That's actually rather close for something that big.  The waters off the
west coast of Japan aren't all that big though, especially compared to
those to the east.  West of Kyushu?  That would allow them to reach Okinawa
without going through any straits.

"This isn't natural," Ukyo murmured, a tremble crawling down her spine.
Such an image, such a suggestion were enough to drive her to despair.  How
could one return from the dead?  One could not.  The immediate assumption
she made was that the photo had been manipulated, and that was the
assumption she decided to work with - it was the only conclusion she could
draw that did not make her want to scream.

Once her memory returns does she even realize how long she'd been alive
before Ranma killed her?  I don't see how she could have been running
around as long as she should have been and not realize that she's not
exactly normal.

"Our organisation does not get involved in wars, international conflicts,
or politics.  We operate at a level above such concerns.  Our charter
states that we are to respond to the specific threat dragons pose to the
future of humanity.  It is a threat we have been unable to contain - all of
our efforts have been met with failure.

I think he's painting an unreasonably pessimistic picture.  They have
reduced dragonkin to two individuals.  Extremely dangerous individuals it's
true, but still only two.

"I can help you kill her," the Colonel whispered, his face almost close
enough to touch hers.  "She is the key to it all.  If she dies the dragons
die with her.  It is what you want, isn't it?"

If I understand correctly, Ukyo doesn't care about any other dragons, she
just wants to kill Ranma.  Hunter seems to be making rather light of Akane
and that's likely to bite them later.

"This pistol fires twelve millimetre ammunition.  It's enough to blow a
person's head apart.  It makes a mess, but it's very effective.  It has
served me well over the course of my career.  It might seem strange, but I
{: have} even named it.  I call it Jericho."

"That's your gift?" Ukyo replied in disbelief, a sneer on her face.

"No, it's not," the Colonel replied.  A calm look upon his face, he raised
the pistol, aimed it at Ukyo's forehead, and squeezed the trigger.

A bit flashy, but I suppose it makes his point.

"It's known as the Seraph Initiative," Ryoga replied, moving {toward : towards} her.
His face looked sullen, his eyes weary.  Reaching up, he brushed his hair
from his forehead; it hung aside for a moment before flopping back into
place.  He did not bother repeating the attempt.  "It was begun many years
ago, and its goal was to develop a more effective form of protective armour
for troops in the field."

"Armour has always concentrated upon shielding the body externally," Yoiko
interjected.  She was a small girl, with blonde streaks dyed into her black
hair, that she continually fidgeted with as she spoke excitedly.  She
seemed {enthusiastic : eager} to go into detail.  "Nobody ever thought of bolstering
the body's natural defences rather than just surrounding them in armour.
Nobody except us, that is."

Ukyo glanced at the girl, taking in the important details in a few short
seconds.  She was young, seemingly younger than Ryoga, and judging by the
way she stood {closely : close} to him they were either related, or romantically
attached.  She had an impish face, her childish features belying her
intelligence.  Her eyes shone with youthful curiosity as Ukyo looked at
them; Ukyo wondered for a moment what kind of military would recruit mere
children.  This girl looked no older than sixteen, perhaps seventeen.

"What do you mean?" Ukyo asked, feeling a little bewildered.  The anger she
had felt toward the Colonel had dissipated, replaced by an intense
curiosity.  She could see how this Wing could be immensely useful in
hunting down Ranma.

I can see where it would help in a fight, I don't yet see how she'd think
it would help to find Ranma.

"And what does -that- mean?" Ukyo asked, her voice betraying the growing
irritation she felt at being so utterly eclipsed {by : in} the conversation.

"So, you needed a trigger for your new gun," Ukyo said, eyeing Ryoga
carefully.  If what he said was true, this placed her in a very strong
bargaining position.  What good was a weapon if there was no way to use it?
"You've already ... installed it, then?"

I don't think trigger/gun is the right analogy.  Perhaps guiana pig/toy,
pidgeon/wing, or sheath/sword.

Ukyo, for her part, looked closely at the uniform.  It was entirely black,
with gleaming leather combat boots, khaki pants, a loose jacket that was
opened - revealing a white undershirt beneath - a belt, a bandolier, and
thick leather gloves.

I would have expected the uniform to be laid out with the undershirt folded
next to it.

"Wouldn't you be?" Hunter replied, watching her just as intently.  "This is
the first real contact she's had with anyone in a long time.  She'd rather
be out killing the dragon.  It's all she knows."

Was she in suspended animation or something for most of the last 800 years?
Otherwise, I'd have expected her to have more contact with people than she
seems to have had.

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