Roehl Sybing wrote:

"Keiichi!" Belldandy called out.  The temple grounds were not
terribly large, so she was absolutely certain that he had heard
her in the three times that

think you can drop 'that'

He nodded in return, though he continued to stare through the
doorway and into the now-empty hall that connected all the other
rooms.  Keiichi and Belldandy, both so exhausted from the day
before, did not bother to check up on Urd and Skuld when they
returned from the fair very early that morning.  It was only after
daybreak when they woke up and discovered that Belldandy's two
sisters were, in fact, gone.  When they left was not so obvious,
but to where they went was almost apparent.

Somewhere in Tiajuana:

Urd: Boy, you tequila always tashts better where it wash made.

Skuld: (Takes a belt) Yah!

Keiichi, on the other hand, was entirely ignorant of the coming
storm brewing about Belldandy, and was consigned to just fix his
gaze inside the temple and ponder. "It's so quiet," he said, not
knowing if he should be relieved or concerned.

Both

Keiichi took her arm in arm,

arm-in-arm

"Say, Keiichi, I think I'm ready for...what's the word?
Intimacy!  That's it!" she said nonchalantly and in almost one
unbroken train of thought spoken aloud, "I'm not too sure of the
specifics...but it sounds like something that we should be doing,
and since the house is left to the two of us, I don't think I'll
ever be more ready..."

A startled Keiichi, rolling his eyes without Belldandy looking,
knew not

didn't know

how to respond. "I don't think I'M ready..."

Like others said, he's been the one that has been more or less dragging his
feet.

"Well?" he said, once the fanfare turned into a scattered
applaused,

applause

The crowd before Keiichi meshed and mixed as bodies bumped
together and struggled to determine where to go, and finally
turned into a scattering of club members, each of who

whom (I think)

"Rallying the troops, giving orders without bossing others around,
hoping to inspire your fellow man.  It's a task, I tell you."

Ah, the mysterious person makes their entry.

"Right...hey, you're not a spy for another club, are you?  Trying
to figure out our secrets before the race?"

"What?" she said angrily, taking offense and unexpectedly raising
her voice, "Are you accusing me of deception!?"

Not giving her name is sort of along those lines. :)

"Aw, but who cares about details, right?" he said while checking
his watch,

Oh yes. Nothing important is ever in the details, now is it? :)

"Belldandy?" Keiichi asked curiously, smiling at her, "You're not
jealous, are you?"

She looked at him, failing to keep underneath the surface a hint
of disdain, "If I was jealous, surely I  would let you know it."

Like someone said, glass has a bad way of breaking. :)

"Alright," she said, before taking Keiichi by the arm and stopping
him on his way out.  She asked, "Why do you put up with me?  I
mean, after everything the past few days."

Oh oh. Loaded questions. She IS becoming human.

Belldandy, on the other hand, was frantic.  She laughed
hysterically, "That was...that was...that felt so...

impulsive is the word she is looking for, methinks.

"That sounds like fun!" she quickly presumed.

presumed? Odd choce. Just go with 'she said.'

delicate components were damaged in the process of being assembled.
Whatever the reason, Keiichi didn't know who was responsible for
putting the wrong effort into assembling parts.  Maybe it was one
person, maybe it was several people.  With the full membership of
the motor club coming together for this big race, Keiichi couldn't
tell who it was.  Not that he wanted to chew them out, but time
was slowly becoming a factor in the hours of the late afternoon.

Hmm. Must be Bell.

Sora turned her head at two angles just to be sure, "I think it
is, sir."

Sir.

Nice work. It'll be interesting to see where you are going with the next
part of the story.

D.B. Sommer



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