It's been awhile since I've C&Ced anything so I may be a little rusty or
overzealous.
You might want to put a subject on any further submittals even if you don't
have a
title.
Through the years there have been beings not known to many, but have
existed to create and maintain doors which have sprung up over time.
Everytime a human comes across another person, they create and open up a
door which are connected from that person's heart to the other. One does
not
know when the two hearts will be close again, but regardless those hearts
are
still connected. These beings are called the HeartRetainers.
The 'which' clause is awkward. Since it redescribres 'door' it could be
written like this.
... they create and open up a door, a connection from that person's hear to
the other.
There is also a legend common only to those who are familiar with the
HeartRetainers.
He shall appear from a distant place
A young man who has yet to know his potential
This potential is a power that could either
destroy him or realize his will.
His courage shall determine his fate.
The path he must traverse, fraught with adversity.
In order to undermine his fate, he must complete
undermine I believe is similar to belittle or make less of
I'm not sure if that's what you intended
several prophecies to forsee if he is the one.
The one to save the world from destruction.
I await whilst praying...
for this destiny predetermined since ancient times.
Who is I?
An ancient evil appears.
The sky filled with ominous clouds.
Tense change between two sentences. Up to this point it has been future
tense and now it drops to present and then to past.
Death and sorrow reigns the land.
The pitch-dark night unfolds
with the morning star as its only light.
From this, a hero emerges.
In which he will accept his fate,
reluctantly at first.
Of course. Shinji, Akito, and countless others. Why can't we have
villains reluctantly accepting their fates?
Until he sees the prize of his eyes
narrowly meets death.
His eyes are a prize and the following line can't be part of the same
sentence.
In result, the hero realizes his true destiny,
a destiny full of power,enemies,
and love.
The first destiny should be followed with a colon if you are going to say
destiny again.
And thus, our story begins....
In light that this is an ancient prophecy filled with glitches in tense,
there very well
may be no need to change any of this. It can be treated as dialogue:
imperfect as
it is understood that it is written by a human hand.
* * *
Sunshine meets a brand-new day. Birds chirping, crisp morning air,
and a cool breeze are signs of a peacful and beautiful day coming to a
start.
For a particular young man however, this day, is just like any other day.
Trade 'are signs of a' with 'herald the' or something similar. This avoids
reidentifying
the aforementioned items. I believe it is 'peaceful'. However usually gets
commas before
and after, but as a general flunkie of the usage of commas, I won't pretend
to know if it
is necessary.
Sun shining through the window disturbs the sleep of a young man
which
slumbers under his tangled covers. Straining to keep the light from his
eyes,
he squinted, trying to go back to sleep. Unsuccesful attempts leads to
surrender
as he pushed the bedsheet from his body and sat up.
'the' young man instead of 'a'. I think it can be assumed we're not talking
about a different
young man than the one mentioned in the previous paragraph. I think you
wanted either The sun
or Sun rays at the start of the sentence. I'm not sure about the 'which'
clause in that statement,
mostly because we go from his sleep being disturbed to him slumbering again.
Perhaps -
'The young man, slumbering under tangled covers, stirs under the persistance
of the sun rays
piercing through the window.' I believe he would roll over if the light was
in his eyes instead
of squinting into it. I think you were intending 'squeezing his eyes shut'.
I believe it is
'unsuccessful' and subject-verb agreement in attempts lead. Comma after
surrender. Probably
should change 'as' to 'so' to show that he sat up because he failed instead
of sitting up while
failing.
'Time for me to get up anyway.' thought Ranma as he looked at the
clock
and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Finally registering in his brain what
time
it was, gone was the drowziness and the sleeping muscles.
The period after anyway should be a comma. Comma after Ranma. As he looked
could easily
be changed with looking, glancing or any number of other gerunds. The last
sentence is awkward for several reasons. 'What time it was' could be moved
to the beginning of the
sentence so it reads- 'The time finally registering in his brain...'
The rest of the sentence... I'm really not sure how to handle. Muscles
don't sleep and
drowziness technically can't do anything. Perhaps having Ranma spring up
and charge across
the room first would be good. Yea.
'The time finally registering in his brain, Ranma sprang out of his
makeshift bed, shedding his
covers and any last vestiges of sleep.'
"I'M GONNA BE LATE!" shouted Ranma as he rummaged throught his closet
to
find a decent looking uniform to wear. Putting it on his bed, he quickly
disrobed
while running to the bathroom. He quickly showered, washed his face, and
brushed his teeth.
Comma after Ranma. I think you wanted 'throughout'. Considering the rush
Ranma is in
'putting' is probably not realistic. Ranma doesn't have a bed like Akane.
He sleeps on a mat
on the floor. I'm guessing he dug the outfit out of the closet, tossed it
on the floor and dashed
out of the room with his hands tugging his white tank top up. Remember to
use a bit of
description. Just because most people know what Ranma is wearing, it's
always good practice
to throw it in. A person not knowing Ranma could come up with a number of
things Ranma was sleeping in (robe, pajamas, bunny costume, nothing, etc.)
Also this paragraph covers a lot of action. Now I know Ranma and yourself
may be in a hurry
to get to the rest of the story but this is an excellent opportunity to
throw in thoughts, complaints,
setting and plot. Maybe he's sore about something Kuno did the other day.
Or angry at
Akane or still feeling the after-effects of another attempt at her cooking.
Adding a couple
paragraphs as he showers and brushes his teeth in inhuman speed with
thoughts or grumbles
can set mood.
Running out of the bathroom, he quickly put on his uniform. He
grabbed
his bag containing his stuff and dashed downstairs and out the door. All
in
3 minutes...
Watch the usage of running. There are other synonyms like careening,
sprinting and dashing
all protesting discrimination from the sidelines right about now. And what
happened to grabbing
a bowl of breakfast, or his lunch for that matter. Ranma's stomach would
never forgive him
for such an oversight.
As for the 3 minutes comment... It doesn't hold much weight to me as I have
no clue as to
where he is going, what time it is or what time he needs to be there. This
is where him
grumbling while brushing his teeth over having only ten minutes to get to
school and how stupid
Akane didn't wake him up and now he wouldn't be able to enjoy breakfast
would have been
of use. I have no sense of urgency other than Ranma is going to be late for
school and this is
in his POV.
In movies when the time bomb is clicking down with one minute left, for some
reason the movie
takes another damn 15 minutes before the hero miraculously stops the bomb
with a couple
seconds to spare. The point is, you can put a lot of detail in this and
still pretend it took only
three minutes.
Fast. He was running fast on the sidewalk as he still had quite a
few
more ways to go. The crowd, though, was giving him a difficult time to
reach
his destination in time. Looking around, while walking with the speed of
the
rush hour congestion, he glanced up at the fence.
Ways? Did you mean blocks? And if there was a crowd, Ranma with his
surreal balance
would leap up onto the fence railing and run along the top of it. If
desperate, he'd even resort
to roof hopping. Crowds that aren't actively trying to slow Ranma down,
wouldn't, and crowds
that were wouldn't slow him down long.
'Might as well try it today. I really got to get to school so I
won't
be late.' contemplated Ranma. The proximity of the crowd around him was
getting
smaller and smaller until he finally couldn't squeeze through the crowd
anymore.
Frustration getting the better of him, he jumped up to the fence and
started
running. The crowd was more annoyed that impressed, thinking that this
punk
was just gonna cause trouble. He smiled thinking that this was easier
walking
on the sidewalk and decided he should do this more often. It was faster
and
provided him with balance practice.
Um. Okay. ^^;; I don't think proximity gets smaller. It gets closer.
I'm not sure
why this didn't occur to him in the first place or why he even justified the
balance
practice. I don't think fence running is much of a challenge for Ranma
anymore.
Regardless of that, there should be a comma after smiled. The sentence
concerning the
crowd slips out of Ranma's POV. He wouldn't care what the crowd thinks and
he
couldn't know either. You can strike that sentence out without hurting the
story.
Okay, I'm coming back to this point now that I have read more of the story
and realized
that Akane and Ranma don't know each other. This is a MUST in explanation.
There was
not enough information up to this point to make any conclusions that this
was an alter storyline
in which Akane hadn't met Ranma, etc. I guess this means Ranma could have a
bed and that
he's living with his parents in the Saotome household. Or maybe he was
adopted by foster
parents after Genma died. Or countless other possibilitis. Up to this
point there is no way for
anyone to know where you are going with this.
* * *
Akane walking along to school beside his sister Nabiki, she thought
of how beautiful the day was. She always enjoyed the rising of the sun
whenever
she started her daily morning jogs. But now, school bag in hand, she was
looking ahead as her sister filled her in with the gossip among the
school.
Akane is a guy? Oh... um... huh? I think it should be her sister. It
should be 'was
walking' or 'Nabiki, thought' in the first sentence. I think the second is
better. -
Akane, walking to school alongside her sister Nabiki, thought how beautiful
the day was.
Shorten whenever to just when. Whenever suggest irregularity and she can't
have irregularity
if she's regularly seeing the rising of the sun. If you intended
irregularity the sentence needs to
change quite a bit. Also drop the always as it can be assumed that she
always enjoys it. -
She enjoyed the rising of the sun whenever she chanced upon the spectacle
during her morning
jog.
I'm not sure what you are intending with the 'but now' in the last sentence.
But carries the
meaning that what came before is not the case after, generally negative. I
don't see what is
negative about her being with her sister. Also I'm not sure what she's
looking ahead at. Up to
this point I pictured Nabiki walking with her, not in front of her and I
still have that image with
Nabiki sharing gossip to her. Nabiki doesn't strike me as the type to
gossip over her shoulder.
Now with school bag in hand, Akane looked towards their destination as
Nabiki shared the latest gossip spreading through the school as quickly as
any airborne illness.
Sorry, I add silliness like that.
Both sisters were popular at the Furninkan High School. Both were
beautiful and had great personality. But Akane was being stressed out
because considering her popularity status, she was expected to date the
popular guys in school. One of them was Tatewaki Kuno in which had
somewhat
of an obsession over Akane.
Furinkan. Personalities. The third sentence needs rewording. Perhaps
chopping it into
two smaller sentences would be better. The 'in which' in the last sentence
is awkward. -
But with popularity came expectations that bothered the younger Tendo. A
girl of her
status was supposed to date boys of her status. Tatewaki Kuno was certainly
accepted
as one of her status, but his obsession over her was more troublesome than
flattering.
Akane in staring up at the blueness of the sky, she thought what was
the day going to bring. Her thoughts were suddenly disrupted as she she
saw
a figure running on the fence at top speed.
Now we really need a follow up to the previous paragraph to explain what is
so disastrous
about Kuno liking her. A paragraph or flashback of some craziness would be
sufficient.
'In staring' would imply that she is going to see something, which doesn't
happen in that
sentence. It should be changed with stared and she thought should be
changed to thinking. The was should be dropped and reinserted after day.
Change the 'as she she saw' to 'from the sight of'.
"Whoa, what was that?" asked Akane wondering about the disturbance.
Huh? Comma after Akane.
"Oh him? That was Ranma Saotome. I'm surprised you don't know him
Akane. He is in the same grade as you are and has the same classes."
informed
Nabiki as she suddenly lost interest at what happened.
Comma after 'Oh'. Comma after 'him'. Kudos to Kleppe for awakening me to
the
understanding that I don't know him Akane or her Akane or you Akane. Comma
instead
of the period after classes.
As this is Akane's POV, there would be little to suggest Nabiki ever had
interest in the
spectacle to begin with unless Akane noticed it (which wasn't mentioned and
probably
wasn't noticed with her staring up at the fence anyways).
"Yeah, I've seen him around but I haven't really talked to him that
much. Come to think of it, he's really quiet. He doesn't have many
friends. I also see him eating his lunch alone on the roof of the
school." responded
Akane.
Comma after 'around'. Ranma... quiet? Consider changed 'I also see' to
'Every now and then'
to suggest she randomly notices him. Also can imply that she sees this all
the time.
"Yeah, well anyway, so Sayuri says that..."
Akane forgetting all about the incident, began to listen to Nabiki,
as
she put on the back of her mind who Ranma Saotome was.
Comma after Akane. I think it's better worded with Akane putting the
thought of Ranma
Saotome in the back of her mind.
Okay, so Akane doesn't know Ranma. And I don't know what Akane is wearing,
what her
sister looks like, what Akane looks like, what Ranma looks like, what Ranma
is wearing, what
Akane is wearing, who Akane's parents are, who Kuno is and goodness gracious
the list goes
on. Now that I have realized that this is an alternate storyline, there are
a lot of things that need
described. I can no longer assume Akane looks like Akane. With this in
mind, as an author,
you must banish these assumptions. Sure there is some shock value to
suddenly realizing one's
preconceptions are not reality and you can still have some of that without
ever blatantly saying
Akane doesn't know Ranma at any point prior to this. Ranma could be
complaining about
Genma in the morning. Or Ryoga. Or Jusenkyo (if that is part of the
storyline). Hell, he might
not even be a martial artist and his best friend could be Gosunkugi for all
I know. Character
development is essential when one decides to stray away from the accepted
beliefs of who
these characters are. Everything must be justified satisfactorially. And
with that said, I really
need to read the rest of the fic.
* * *
Ranma was sitting on his desk when the bell rung. He was looking out
the window as he was thinking of how to improve his technique and style in
the
Anything-Goes Martial Arts, when Akane walked in the classroom. As
several
male heads turned her direction, Ranma saw this and turned his attention
to
the commotion. Seeing nothing special, he devoted his time into thinking
up more
ways to training which he wrote into his notebook.
On his desk or in the chair of his desk? Exchange 'as he was thinking' to
just 'thinking' with a
comma before 'thinking'.
Martial Arts. One question answered. I think you meant 'walked into'
instead of 'walked in'. 'Walked in' might imply she was already in the
classroom. The next sentence doesn't quite
work. Suggest changing it to two smaller sentences. -
Several male heads turned in her direction. Ranma noticed the commotion and
glanced her
way, curious.
Suggest substituting special with unusual. 'Devoted his time into' does not
quite agree with what just happened. Suggest 'returned his attention to'.
Train instead of training. Personally I prefer
'scribbled haphazardly' to wrote as it better describes what Ranma is
accepted of doing. Since
this is a different Ranma, it might not apply.
Akane, aware now that Ranma was in her class, looked around the class
when she spotted the braided pig-tail she saw while going to school. She
vividly
remembered his face but didn't know what he really looked like. With his
head
down while writing, she couldnt' get a clear view of his face. Shrugging
her
shoulders, she walked to her chair as her friends approached her.
Watch for the overuse of looked throughout the fic. Peered, glanced,
scanned are all
eager for work. Period after class. Drop the when. I find it curious that
she spots the
pigtail and somehow that was all she saw. Scrolling back up there was no
mention of
the pigtail before. Vividly means with much detail. I believe you meant
vaguely. Drop
'of his face' after view. It's understood that she's trying to see his
face.
Very important here. POV changed. The first paragraph was Ranma and now we
switch
to Akane. It happens to the best of us, (Jane Austin was notorious about
it). Try to decide
at the beginning of a scene who would be best to tell the part of the story
and try to write
everything from that person's POV. It is limited, admittingly, but by doing
so you give the
reader a more solid attachment to the narrator. Going omniscient POV
creates a detachment
between the readers and the characters that simply defeats the purpose of
understanding the
characters as real, living people. Humanity is lost in the gap and the
characters become more
like objects to examine from afar.
Glancing up, Ranma saw the usual morning chatter between Akane and
her
friends. Ranma knew she was very popular with every guy and girl around
school.
With Ranma just moving to Nerima before the school year started, he didn't
really
have any friends as everybody knew each other from junior high, while he
being
the new guy couldn't really blend in, which is how he wanted it.
Back to Ranma POV. Comma after friends. The last sentence is lengthy with
several clauses.
You might want to break it into two sentences but it is fine as is.
As he started putting his stuff away, the teacher walked in which
indicated the start of class.
Comma after in.
* * *
A slim figure on top of the building in the distance is peering in
the windows of Furinkan.
Tense change. Peered through works better. Also use 'a building' instead
of 'the building' as
I'm sure there is more than one.
"Soon young one. Very soon. You will know what you are destined to
be.
If the prophesies are true and my premonitions are right, you young one
will have
a chance of becomning a legend." said the figure at no one at particular.
Soon, young one. You, young one. Becoming. Comma instead of a period
after legend. To
instead of at. In instead of at.
"C'mon! I'm getting bored." whined a bulky figure behind the slim
figure.
Comma instead of a period after bored.
The slim figure jumped, not aware of the precense behind her.
Presence. Change not to suddenly.
"Don't do that to me!" shouted the figure her hand pressed against
her heart.
She was wearing a scarlet robe with several jewels covering her armor. On
top of
her head, she wore a golden tiara covered in jewels. She has a jeweled
encrusted
sword by her left hip. "You know I don't like being scared like that!"
Had instead of has. In comment to her words, exacly how does she like to be
scared then?
The description is a bit belated. When she first speaks, it would be best
to start some of the
description then, and do so through actions.
"Soon, young one. Very soon," the figure cooed softly to no one in
particular, gesturing with a
delicate hand towards the school with a flourish of her scarlet robe. "You
will know what you
are destined to be. If the prophesies are true and my premonitions are
right, you, young one will
have a chance of becoming a legend!"
The word usage implies the figure to be feminine and gives a hint at her
decor. The rest of her
description would then come where it did. Suggest changed 'head, she wore'
to 'rested'.
"But when are we gonna know if he is the young master or not?"
asked the bulky figure covered with skulls and bones of armor with chains
encircling his figure. His garments are of pure black and his helmet is
topped
with a grinning skull. His sword's grip is covered with bones and the
hilt is
made entirely of two huge joined teeth in which by looking at it, the
teeth
looked very sharp. If somebody noticed him, he looked like a gladiator of
DEATH.
Change are to were and is to was. Overuse of covered in this paragraph. To
my understanding
a hilt and grip are almost the same thing. What's a gladiator of DEATH look
like?
"Soon, we will deliver the story of the prophecy to him to warn him
of
his current fate. His first test will come shortly after we deliver the
letter.
Then we will know whether to stick with him or not." planned the woman.
Comma after not instead of the period. Look for this throughout the fic.
The burly man nodded and approached the figure. Squinting he tried
to see
what the prophesized young man looked like. Giving up, he turned toward
the figure
to see whether she was ready to proceed with the plan or not. As if a
silent
signal is given she turned and he followed suit. Side by side the
approached
the edge of the building and jumped off.
Drop usage of 'the figure'. At this point both of them are described well
enough to use
other terms. They instead of the. Watch your tense throughout this scene.
For some
reason you went present tense several times when the rest of the fic was
past tense.
* * *
In gym, Ranma is awaiting his turn on the pull-up bar. Looking over
to
the girls' side, he found that the girls were playing softball. Looking
longer than he intended, he didn't notice his turn was up.
Tense change. Awaited. Noticed instead of found. (Personal thing against
found, don't
mine me).
"Saotome, step up." barked the coach. Ranma nodded, stepped up to
the
bar, and reached up to grab onto the bar. He pulled himself up with no
effort and
continued to do the repitious effort.
Repititious. What's going through his head? What was he looking at?
'I should slow down and stop at twenty-five.' thought Ranma. People
wouldn't believe what he could do ever since he was twelve. He always
thought that
puberty caused the superhuman things he was able to do. He was stronger,
faster,
jumped higher, and his senses was sharper than ever before.
Comma after five instead of the period. The second sentence is awkward.
Ever since he was twleve, people had been astonished by his physical
capabilities.
Subject-verb agreement on senses was to senses were.
When he reached his count, he sagged down on the bar as if he was
fatigued and jumped down from the bar.
"Twenty-five. Good job Saotome. Next." commended the coach.
Walking
off, Ranma grabbed his towel off the bench and faked to wipe off the sweat
he
recieved from his workout.
Comma after job. Comma after Saotome and have the coach commend him. Like
this -
"Twenty-five. Good job, Saotome," commended the coach. The (whatever
description
for the coach you desire) turned upon the next student in line and barked
out, "Next!"
I before E except after C. Received.
Looking back at the women's side, he watched the next batter take her
practice swings. He walked near the game since he had already done his
assigned
exercise. Noticing the way the batter stood and the path of the ball, he
noticed that
the ball would go off to the side. Looking over to the stands, he saw
Akane was
chatting with her friends and didn't really paid attention to the game.
Comma after game. Overuse of noticed. Suggest predicted or realized.
Change 'friends
and didn't really paid' to 'friends, not really paying'.
Getting a quick flash before his eyes, he saw Akane getting hit with
the softball on the side of her head and was knocked unconscious. Then,
he saw
blood dripping from her temple and Akane laid out on a strecher. Shaking
his head, the vision vanished and time slowed down for him...
Um... Drop the Getting. Reword to -
Something flashed before his eyes and in an instant he was seeing Akane
being struck in the
temple by a softball. She fell backwards into the stands (if she was on the
top she can even
fall over the top and plummet to the ground below) seeming unconscious.
(Seeming as even
in a vision Ranma can't know someone's unconscious for a fact.) There was
another flash and
he witnessed a stretcher being brought to Akane's side. Two men heaved her
up onto the
stretcher as concerned girls crowded the area. A blood stained ball rolled
towards him. (Just
for kicks having the ball roll towards him to make the image more grim and
him more distant.)
Shaking his head, he tried to banish the vision. 'This isn't real,' he
rationalized. 'This isn't...'
The crack of a bat broke through his senses, bringing him back.
Okay, so I got a little carried away with some elaboration. Still the
effect is similar.
* * *
"LOOK OUT!"
Akane's head whipped around and saw a softball heading straight to
her
head at a high speed. She closed her eyes to prepare her for the impact
of
the softball against her head.
Apparently Akane isn't into dodging things coming at her.
Akane - Maybe if I close my eyes I can alter it's path with my telekinesis
Nabiki - Sorry, this isn't a Marvel Universe Xover, sis
Akane (flattened) - Doh!
'I hope it won't hurt' prayed Akane.
Comma after hurt.
Feeling a slight breeze on her face, she winced. A few seconds have
passed and nothing. No impact, no pain, no stars. All around her,
murmurs
have started.
Drop the both haves in this paragraph.
Opening her eyes, she saw two orbs of blue. Zooming back, she
noticed
it was two very blue eyes. The vision stood straight and she finally
noticed who it was.
Akane - Jigglypuff?
Nabiki - Aaaaaa!!! Don't let it sing!!!
Zooming back doesn't exactly work. She could focus, or maybe back away to
see
better but the human eye doesn't really zoom. We simply shift our focus
from one thing
to the next.
"Are you ok?" asked Ranma.
"N-no. W-what happened?" inquired Akane. Looking around, she saw
her
friends, staring in shock at Ranma and some of the girls whispering and
looking at Ranma.
Okay. Exchange 'and' for 'while'. ...staring in shock at Ranma while some
of the girls
whispered, looking at Ranma.
"I just happen to catch this." Ranma said while tossing an object in
the air. At this, he turned around and ran back to the guys' side.
Happened. Comma instead of a period after this. Drop while and put a comma
after said.
Okay, he caught the ball, somehow diving into the risers that Akane was
seated at. Oh, and
by the way, the stance of a batter only tells so much about where a ball
will go when it is hit.
If you put your lead foot towards the left field, you will pull towards the
left field but only if you
hit it at the right time. If your swing is early, you pull even more to the
left and if it comes late, it
strays off to the right. This also doesn't include the angle at which the
ball is struck which
determines whether or not the ball goes up or down after being struck. So
in all honesty, there
is no way for Ranma to tell that the batter was going to hit into the stands
unless the batter had
purposely aimed for the stands (most people who don't know how to pull the
ball to left or right
field, position their feet in line with the pitcher, center field, so for
this girl to do it on accident is
highly unlikely). The vision is the only way he would know. What I suspect
happened was the
girl did know how to pull to the left, but swung to early thus sending the
ball into the stands.
This is also a note for all the anime fans that saw that episode where Akane
hit Ranma with a
softball. Ranma sat to her left and from the way Akane's feet were
positioned, she was aiming
for center field. It truly was an accident as you can't pull the ball all
the way from center field to
the left field sidelines on purpose.
Akane looked up and caught the object. Looking at her hand, she saw
the softball that was supposedly was going to hit her.
Drop one of the 'was's. Supposedly doesn't work well. It was going to hit
her, end of
statement. The only supposedly was in Akane's mind and she was already
hoping the
thing wasn't going to hurt.
Rewording. I thought Ranma took the ball with him. This entire sequence
lacks a lot of meat.
Akane's thoughts are completely lost and this is in her POV. She was nearly
injured and you
don't get a peep out of her emotionally.
* * *
As the bell rang, the doors of Furinkan flew open and the students
ran
out of the gate. Among the crowd, Ranma walked towards the gates. Around
him, girls that witnessed the scene during gym was whispering and was
looking at
Ranma with an intrigue. Ranma oblivious to all this, kept walking.
Girls were whispering and regaring Ranma with intrigue.
At a distance, two figures looked towards Ranma.
Yay, more figures!!!
"Are you sure?" asked one figure.
"Yeah." responded the other.
Comma after yeah instead of the period.
"Hmm. All right Ranma Saotome. Show me who you are."
* * *
Off to another distance, another pair looked at Ranma.
"It's time."
Enter the Dirty Pair, Girls with Guns. ^^
Their mission is to subjugate the villainous Ranma Saotome, hired by Kuno of
course.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
TBC.....
So was that a prologue? Is Destiny of a Hero the unofficial Title of this
literature?
Well... I'm not sure where I'm being taken with this. I know very little
about any of
the characters. Ranma moved to Nerima recently, doesn't have any friends
and likes
it that way, studies Martial Arts and has unique abilities. Akane is
popular and is being
obsessed over by a boy named Kuno who does absolutely no obsessing at all in
the
first piece. Nabiki likes to gossip. Two figures in the distance intend to
serve Ranma,
whilst another pair wants him to show them who he is. I don't know. I'm
pretty much
with the undescribed pair. I want to know who Saotome Ranma is too. ^^
Destiny Of A Hero Chapter 1 What?! You must be crazy!
Author+No money= Disclaimer
Okay... So where's the disclaimer?
------------------------------------------------------------------
Finishing the last of his homework, Ranma looked out the window to
rest his mind a bit. The sun was setting in the horizon and it cast an
orange
tint on the usually blue sky. Looking down on the sidewalk, he saw
children
playing and, once in a while, a couple walking closely holding hands.
Sighing, he looked down and finished his work.
On the horizon, casting an orange tint over.
Ranma (sighing) - I'd kill for Shampoo to come bouncing over here right
about now.
Watching these kids and couples is boring.
Nodoka - Shamwho?
Ranma - I forgot. She's not in this fic. Wish my agent had been as smart
as hers.
"Ranma, dinner!" shouted his mom from the kitchen.
Okay, he has a mother but is it Nodoka?
"Coming." Ranma responded as he closed his notebook and stood from
his
chair. Walking outside, he forgot to close the window.
Comma instaed of a period after coming. Responded and asked are used
several
times throughout. Change it around some or drop the reference entirely,
allowing
the dialogue to stand on its own. Also... why did he have to go outside to
eat?
* * *
Walking into his room with a towel hanging from his shoulders and
his
shirt in his hand, he went into the closet to get his clothes for his
bath.
Emerging from his closet, he looked out the closed window to see the
street
lamps were on which means he only had a small amount of time to go to the
park. Walking out of his room, he entered the bath.
* * *
Who are we talking about? I see the window is closed now, the only apparent
reason for this short scene. Actually it's quite blatant that this is the
only reason
this scene was added. Please add some more details. Take the bullet. Show
some normal family life between Nodoka (if that is his mom), Genma (if that
is
his father) and himself. A story is about a change happening in a person's
life
that somehow makes them better after something disrupts the every day
process.
Now, unfortunately most fanfics strive to keep status quo which defies the
very
essence of story telling, but since this is an alterverse you need not worry
about
keeping the quo. Show what is normal in Ranma's life so we can better
understand
the importance of the change that is about to happen and so we can better
relate
with how he may feel about the changes.
In the dining room, his mom, Nodoka, and his father, Genma was
sitting
around drinking tea.
Me and my impatient comments. Oi.
"So, how's Ranma's training?" asked Nodoka.
"Hmm, can't complain. It's seems he's improving greatly everyday. I
still think he has the potential to be the greatest martial artist ever if
you let me take him to a training trip." replied Genma.
"You know I don't like being apart from my son. What about school?
Did he tell you anything about what happens?" inquired Nodoka changing the
subject.
Comma after trip instead of the period. Comma after Nodoka. Change Did to
Does.
Seeing as they all live together, I don't see why Nodoka would be in the
dark any more
than Genma. From this small bit of dialogue, I can surmise that the
training trip never
happened. Ranma without his curse...
Ranma - Man my life is boring. Where's Ryoga when I need him?
Ryoga - What? How'd I get into this fic?
Ranma (blinks) - Thank God you are here! (hugs Ryoga) Training trip, now!
"No, he changes the subject everytime I ask him about school."
responded Genma. "Hmm, I hope he finds nice girl that will take care of
him when he
gets old. I would also like to be a grandma some time this century." she
said.
* * *
Space between every time. Comma instead of period after school. 'A' after
finds. Oh and you probably want a new paragraph for Nodoka's line.
[Tendo Dojo]
Akane sat at her desk doing her homework. She struggled to keep her
mind on the subject because of the earlier episode with Ranma. 'How could
he
have done that? He practically came out of nowhere. Sayuri said she saw
everything. How could he have caught a speeding ball coming from the boys'
side of the field?' Akane thought as she tried to replay the episode in
her
mind. Still, thinking about Ranma, she didn't notice somebody knocking on
her door until Nabiki barged in her room and tapped her on the shoulder
while
shouting her name. Feeling the contact and the noise, she jumped in her
chair and turned around.
Actually the setting is the Tendo Residence. The second sentence doesn't
work quite right.
Suggest - She struggled to keep her mind on the subject, but due to the
earlier episode with
Ranma, she found it impossible. (I even used found, what is the world
coming to?)
Give Akane's thoughts to a stand alone paragraph. Drop the comma after
still.
Akane - Aaaaaaa!!!! Nabiki!!!!
Nabiki - Aaaaaaa!!!! I'm sorry!!!!
Akane (throwing things while trying to cover up) - Don't walk in on me!!!!
There was
a reason why I wasn't answering the door!!!!
"Nabiki! Don't do that!" the short-haired girl told her older
sister.
Said sister looked at her increduously.
Short-haired? Explanation please.
Akane - Actually it's quite obvious (holding up two fingers). First, Dr.
Tofu wasn't
available for this fic so there was nobody for me to have a crush on.
Second, Kasumi
is now enjoying a voice actress career and flatly refused to do anymore
Ranma 1/2
fanfiction that only sported her with 'Oh my' lines every other phrase.
She's quite
happy with her new profession and announced her latest role as Orgasma from
the
new Pink Revolution series.
"Don't do what? I've been knocking on your door for about five
minutes. You didn't answer so I let myself in. What got you so occupied?
Is my little
sister finally discovering the great world of boys? Wow, for a while there
I
thought you were a lesbian!" the capitalist said with a smile on her face.
Okay, Nabiki draws a surreal conclusion that is correct from absolutely no
evidence.
The least she could have done was attempt to pry what was occupying Akane's
mind before making such grandiose claims. As for the lesbian shot....
Akane (pouts) - Why is it every girl with a spine gets slapped with the
rumor of being a
lesbian.
Nabiki (shrugs) - Could be worse. Remember Only Up.
"Nabiki! It's not that! Have you heard about what Ranma did today?
He
saved my life. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for what he did, but how
did
he do it? He was all the way at the boy's side." Akane explained.
Pause. Put some action after Akane's claim of it not being that. Remember
that
people do things while speaking every now and then. Otherwise the story
comes
out as a long lecture if you neglect gestures and facial expressions.
"I know all about that Akane." the mercenary said. "Nothing happens
in
school without me knowing about it. I am just as curious as you are about
this whole thing. When I surveyed the scene, the closest he could have
been
to you was about 100 meters and looking at the batter's box it was about
40
meters from where you were sitting. The ball had a 60 meter lead on him
and
we can rule out the speed of the ball because as you could have seen, the
ball was hit straight to you. It wasn't a lob or pop-up or anything. So we
figure Saotome is pretty fast since he covered 100 meters and ran faster
than the ball which was hit pretty hard."
Prop time!!!
Nabiki (in white lab coat and gesturing to a diagram of Furinkan High's
baseball field) -
The pictures are supplemented by my assistant Gosunkugi who was present at
the time.
According to Sakura, the scorekeeper, the ball was traveling roughly at 35
meters per second.
This information is based on her glimpse at the speed clock Junko was
holding to meter
Yamara's progress, Yamara being the pitcher. We can't have our pitcher's
doing poorly
now can we.
Ranma (clearing his throat)
Nabiki (nods) - Anyways. A standard issue softball weighs at best two
kilograms whereas the
bat weighs closer to seven. Assuming the impact of the ball and the bat
were perfectly elastic
without any friction loss, we can estimate the speed of the ball that was
hurtling towards Akane,
provided we can rely on Megumi's estimate of how quickly she swung the bat.
Megumi claims
she did nothing irregular, so Gosunkugi, myself and Junko timed a few of
Megumi's swings with
the speed clock. On average, Megumi swung the bat at 30 meters per second
in the other
direction. So given that we know all the variables except the speed of the
ball after impact, we
can now determine that missing component. Mass(ball)*Velocity(ball) +
Mass(bat)*
Velocity(bat) = Mass(ballafter)*Velocity(ballafter) ---->> 2*35 + 7*(-)30 =
2*V
(70-210)/2 = V or -70 m/s in the opposite direction. So as you can see
considering that
Akane was a mere 40 meters away from the point of impact, the ball took a
little less than
half a second to reach her head, not including any effects of wind drag or
gravity.
Ranma - Wow! I had no idea I was that fast.
Nabiki - Actually much faster. You had to travel more than twice that
distance in the same
amount of time. So considering you had only four sevenths of a second to
travel over a hundred
meters, and using the simple formula of distance/time = velocity or
100/(4/7) = V(Ranma)
we can predict Ranma's equivalent speed to be about 175 m/s and for all you
americans
this translates to about 400 mph.
Ranma - I am just so cool.
"I have to thank him somehow. I didn't get the chance since he just
ran after the whole thing happened. Maybe I could bake him cookies!" the
raven-haired girl deduced. Nabiki sweatdropped at this idea.
Sweatdropped? Oi... I've been criticized for that. Anyways, if you are
going
to do this, go full out. Gesture animatedly. Brows twitch, eyes bulge,
tongues
get pulled, etc.
"You wouldn't want to pay your savior back by killing him Akane."
the
older sister deadpanned.
Question mark. Apparently Akane's cooking hasn't changed.
"Huh? Did you say something Nabiki?" the preoccupied girl asked.
"Forget about the cookies! Why don't you just approach him tomorrow
and thank him by inviting him to dinner here?" asked Nabiki.
"That's an even better idea! I'll do that! Maybe I could cook..."
Akane wavered off thinking of ideas on how to entertain their guest. As
the
obsessive-compulsive girl mumbled on, Nabiki shook her head and left Akane
to her 'evil' schemes.
* * *
Try rambled instead of wavered. And ranted instead of mumbled.
Sitting on a bench in the park, Ranma took in his surroundings and
breathed deeply. Every night, Ramnma went to the park to think and clear
his
mind. After a few hours of thinking, he would mentally make plans. Looking
around, he saw couples walking side by side, and children accompanied by
their parents. Feeling a sense of calmness, he spread his ki around him
and
closed his eyes. Feeling his surroundings, he scanned the area. Nothing
around him seemed out of the ordinary until he sensed an aura behind him
which focused their energy towards him. Opening his eyes and turning
around,
he scanned the area behind him. Looking around his curiosity getting the
better of him. He quickly jumped up and time slowed down for him.
Ranma. Suggest to clear his mind instead of to think and clear his mind.
Got instead of getting.
Ranma - Damn children and couples. Why do they persist in following me?!
Gos (cranking on a wheel wheezing) - I hate life sized props!
Ranma - Well at least time doesn't slow for you. If this keeps up, I'll
never get to tomorrow.
* * *
The big bulky figure was following Ranma through the park when
Ranma
found a spot and sat down. He stayed back a few meters behind Ranma and
hid
in the thick foliage of a tree. He watched Ranma for a while when he got
bored. Looking around, he saw a bee hive hanging a few meters above his
head.
Characterization opportunity!!! Big bulky figure can swat at flies that
buzz around him.
His outfit could creak. Description of outfit. Thoughts!!!
He fidgeted around which made the tree sway back and forth. The bees
became
agitated and swarmed the source of the disturbance. The brawny stranger
frantically waved his arms around trying to stop the assault. He hoped
that
he didn't make a lot of noise so that Ranma wouldn't notice him. When he
glanced where Ranma was, nobody was there. He looked around to see if
Ranma
was walking away.
Coalesce these sentences together better. Devote an entire paragraph to the
stranger's
plight with the bees and come to a fitting resolution before having him jump
to searching
for Ranma. If the bees aren't much of a nuisance to him that he immediately
looks for
Ranma, he wouldn't bother with swatting at them.
'Crap. I'm in trouble now.' thought the bir muscled stranger as he
tried to see where Ranma went. As he was rising, he saw a blur in front of
him and
he looked up. When he looked up, he saw a pair of blue irises. Zooming
out,
he saw the face of Ranma.
Big. Comma after now instead of the period.
Big muscled stranger - Oh no!!!!
Blue irises - Jiggly!!!!
Zooming again.
'Uh-oh, NOW I'm in trouble.' thought the royally screwed shadow.
* * *
Comma after trouble instead of the period.
After the figure and Ranma got away from the bees, Ranma turned to
him with inquiring eyes.
Where did they go and how convenient for them to go together? Really
suggest
the bee plight to be resolved before Ranma discovers him.
"Why were you following me?" asked Ranma as he looked at the burly
stranger. He remained quiet as he looked at Ranma with piercing eyes.
Ranma
grew unsteady with the figure's looking and backed away.
Watch the pronouns. The second sentence switches to the burly man without
warning.
"Get ready for the trial of your destiny, Ranma Saotome." the man
suddenly said ominously.
Ranma (holding up fingers) - Herb, Kumon Ryu, Safron or somebody new?
Ryoga (smacking Ranma in the back of the head) - Hey! What about me?
Comma instead of the period after Saotome.
"What are you talking about?" Ranma asked. He scratched his head
and
thought if this is a good thing or not. Judging from what this person was
wearing, things didn't look too good.
Wondered instead of thought. Tense should remain past tense so change is to
was.
"You...are...the...oh my god! An elephant!" the stranger pointed
behind Ranma. Ranma startled at the outburst, quickly spun around and
scanned the
area that was exposed to his back. Seeing nothing, Ranma smacked his palm
to
his forehead and slid it down his face.
Stranger - Bite of the Wolf Fang!!!!
Ranma (smashing the strangers head into the ground) - I tried that move
already!
'I can't believe I fell for that!' thought Ranma as he turned around
slowly. Seeing the man's retreating back, Ranma gave up and disgustedly
let
his head drop. When he let his head drop, he saw a scroll lying on the
grass.
Picking it up, he read that it was addressed to him. Shaking his head, he
started to walk back home.
* * *
Realized instead of read.
Jumping on his bed, he put his arms behind his head and stared at the
ceiling.
'What could that scroll have meant?' thought Ranma. As he thought
back
to what the scroll said, it sounded like a prophecy.
He shall appear from a far eastern land across the sea
A young man who has yet to know his potential
This potential is a power
that could either destroy him or realize his will.
His courage shall determine his fate.
The path he must traverse, fraught with adversity.
In order to undermine his fate,
he must complete several prophecies to forsee if he is the one.
The one to save the world from destruction.
I await whilst praying...
for this destiny prdetermined since ancient times.
An ancient evil appears.
The sky filled with ominous clouds.
Death and sorrow reigns the land.
The pitch-dark night unfolds
with the morning star as its only light.
>From this, a hero emerges.
In which he will accept his fate, reluctantly at first.
Until he sees the prize of his eyes narrowly meets death.
In result, the hero realizes his true destiny,
a destiny full of power, enemies,
and love.
'What could all that mean?' he thought. Thinking deeply about the
true meaning of the scroll, he drifted slowly to sleep.
* * *
Revise prophecy in accordance with the earlier revisions... or not.
[Next Day, Furinkan High]
Ranma sat at his desk looking out the window. People that entered
looked at him quizically and bascially ignored him again traces of what
happened yesterday at the back of their minds. His mind on the scroll,
Ranma
didn't notice Akane walk in with her friends. When Akane entered, she
scanned the room looking for Ranma.
Basically. Revise the rest of the sentence after him into a new sentence.
POV
change.
'Wow. I didn't notice how cute he was. I'll ask him later about what
happened yesterday. Right!' Akane thought. The teacher walked in and the
other students rushed to their seats and sat down. The teacher began the
lesson and Ranma tuned him out. He began to think who the guy was at the
park when the teacher yelled to take out the homework and pass it up. He
took out
his notebook from his bag and opened the page to his work. He then noticed
a
small paper lying on the page of his notebook. He picked it up and opened
it.
Uh oh. Oversight on this. Akane's thoughts and something only Ranma reads
simply
can't be in the same sequence. Revise. ^^
Slow down some. Too much is going on in that paragraph and rushing through
it just
doesn't read well. Break it up. Have more thoughts. In order to like the
characters,
try developing some emotions and thoughts that guide the readers to some
understanding.
I am very interested in how the scroll is going to fit into all this but I
still don't know much
about Ranma, Akane or Nabiki. It almost feels like they are no more
important than the
scroll is.
It said:
Ranma- If you want to know the meaning of the scroll, meet
me
upstairs on the roof during lunch.
PS If you don't believe me, look out your window.
I'm
on the gym roof.
This was the note slipped to him before the scroll was given to him.
Obviously the slim figure's
handiwork.
Ranma not believing this looked out the window. The gym roof was too
far for the regular eye, but for Ranma's eyesight, it was no problem. He
looked
and saw a woman wearing a cape waving at him. Being close to the edge of
the
roof, he saw her lose her balance, twirl her arms trying to gain her
balance
again, and fall on her butt sighing. He shook his head and turned to her
again. Again he saw the woman and noticed she was farther from the edge of
the roof than she was earlier, but she was gesturing for him to turn the
page of his notebook. Turning the page, he saw another note. It read:
Commas about 'not believing this'. Comma after butt.
Make sure no one follows you.
"Hey! Saotome! Your homework?" the boy in front of him demanded. He
looked at the message and assumed the worst.
"Having a secret rendezvous with somebody huh?" the pervert said
while raising his eyebrows at the pig-tailed boy. Ranma frowned at this
and
handed his homework to the idiot.
* * *
I don't know if that was the worst.
Boy (blinks) - I'm sorry, man. I don't swing that way.
Ranma - That's not what it meant!!!
As the lunch bell rang, Akane looked around to see if she could
corner Ranma and talk to him. As she turned around, Ranma had made it out
of the
class and up the hall. She quickly ran outside and saw his back going
upstairs.
Where the rest of him was going, no one knows.
'I suppose Ranma goes up on the roof when he wants to be alone.'
Akane thought. She figured that he doesn't have many friends, if any at
all,
considering he moved to the school in the middle of the semester. As she
stood out on the hallway, she contemplated the thought of following him
and
wanting to talk to him. Gathering all of her courage, she managed to
convince her body to walk towards the stairs and climb up.
In the hallway. Have her just contemplate instead of contemplating the
thought.
Akane - Damn you, feet!!! I said walk!!!
Akito Tenkawa (sweatdrops)- I know the feeling.
* * *
"So what did you bring me here for?" asked Ranma curiously at
this
woman. If she was connected to the guy that he encountered yesterday, the
outcome of his day wasn't looking too good.
I think you wanted to put a 'staring' or 'regarding' after Ranma.
Woman (blinks) - I didn't bring you anywhere. I've been standing here all
this time.
Ranma - Oh yea.
"I brought you here so we won't have any unexpected visitors." the
woman told Ranma.
Ranma - Hey, I'm not interested!!!
Woman (huffed, crossing her arms)- God, haven't you realized it isn't that
kind of fic yet?
Ranma - Well, I can't guarantee Ryoga won't show up.
"All right. Who are you? What is the scroll about? Are you and the
guy
at the park connected? What....?" Ranma said continuously until she
interrupted him.
I'm not sure if continuously can be used like that. Perhaps systematically.
"One at a time Ranma. Patience will lead you better than
impatience."
Ranma - Lead me where?
Woman - How am I supposed to now? I'm just here to serve you.
Ranma (clenches fists) - I already told ya I'm not interested.
Woman (facefaults)
she told Ranma. "My name is Ateki. The idiot you met in the park was
Jinto.
The scroll depicts an ancient myth from my world. We went here to find the
chosen one. The chosen one is destined to help my world and your world to
overcome an evil that is threatening to destroy the universe." Ateki
explained.
Came instead of went.
Ranma (gasps)- No! You don't mean...
Woman (nods)- Jigglypuff.
"Whoa, you expect me to believe you're from another world? And
what's
that supposed to do with me?" asked Ranma. Ateki put her hand on her head.
She thought that the chosen one would be smarter that this.
POV switch. And in Ranma's paragraph too.
"Think Ranma. Why did we give YOU the scroll? Why am I talking to
YOU
now?" asked Ateki. Ranma's eyes bugged out at this and was a loss for
words.
You meant at a loss for words.
Ranma - Because it's part of the script?
Ateki (snarls) - Besides that!
"So you're expecting me, a regular sixteen year old guy, to save the
world against this 'evil' you're refering to?" asked Ranma. Ateki looked
incredoulously at Ranma.
Referring. If refering is a word, it has to do with smoking.
Incredulously.
"Ranma, have you felt yourself going faster, stronger than before?
Have your senses been heightened to extremes? Can you leap several stories
high?
Do you get wet while it's raining? Do you get sick?" Ateki asked Ranma.
Ateki - Do candles blow out when you break wind?
Ranma (collapses in a fit of laughter)
Ateki - What? It says the chosen one will possess such abilities.
'How does she know this?' thought Ranma as she listed the abilites
he
himself can't explain. "So what if I am? What's it to you?" asked Ranma
uneasily.
Couldn't instead of can't.
"Those abilities are acted out by your body reflexively. Your body
is
producing a regular amount of ki everyday. Your body is growing to handle
the amount of ki you are producing. That's why you can leap higher, get
stronger, run faster than before. Your senses itself are heightened
because of the
aura around you. It manipulates the light and sound waves that travel
around you.
We are here to train you to manipulate the stores of ki that you have and
increase your abilites tenfold. If you think you're strong now, wait until
we teach you the katas and moves you can perform to increase your
abilites."
explained Ateki.
Senses themselves.
Ranma - Wow! What will I be able to do then?
Ateki - Open an Okonomiyaki shop.
Ukyo (blips into existance)- Hey that's right. Why am I not in this fic?
"Uh-huh." Ranma said intelligently.
Intelligently?
"I know this is hard to believe but pretty soon something would
happen
that would make you change your mind." Ateki informed him.
Will instead of would.
"What? Is that a threat?" Ranma retorted as he took what she said
the
wrong way.
If this is in Ranma's POV, it isn't possible for him to take it the wrong
way. He
thinks he's got it all figured out.
"Even I'm not sure Ranma. But be sure that whatever happens, your
life
and this town will never be the same again." the slender woman warned him.
Ranma - That was apparent at the beginning of this fic. I haven't been
glomped once.
Ateki (glomps)
Ranma (brow twitches angrily)- I thought you said this wasn't that kind of
fic.
"What?! You must be crazy!" yelled Ranma. "Why would other people be
involved in this? If I am the chosen one, fine! But leave everybody else
outta this!"
Ateki - We already did, sheesh you're so silly. You haven't seen Ukyo,
Ryoga,
Kasumi, Soun, Tofu, Daisuke, Hiroshi, Yuka, Gosunkugi, Shampoo, Mousse,
Cologne,
Happosai, Tsubasa, Akari, Konatsu, Herb, Mint, Lime, Kumon Ryu, Gambler
King,
Jusenkyo Guide, Plum, Taro, Mariko, Kodachi, Kuno, The Principal, Bake-Neko,
Dojo Yarubi, Pink, Rink, Sentaro, Shirokuro and several others that I can't
quite
remember at the time. Hell, we're running on a skeleton crew of a cast.
"Sorry Ranma. It can't be helped." Ateki told Ranma. Akane had
finally
made it up to the roof and peeked outside. She saw Ranma yelling at a
woman
who's dressed like nobody she hasn't seen before. She decided to wait
until
later to ask the pig-tailed boy to dinner and began to descend the stairs.
Ranma heard the noise and saw Akane.
POV change... again.
"Oh, man! How did she get here?" asked Ranma to nobody in
particular.
He looked back to Ateki and she shrugged in response.
"I think it's time for me to go. Think of what the offer is. Ok?
Bye!"
Ateki waved at Ranma and proceeded to jump building to building. Ranma
didn't wait until she disappeared into the horizon because he was hungry
and he had
to talk to Akane to see how much of their conversation she had heard.
* * *
Comma before because.
Akane was with her friends eating lunch when Ranma had approached
her. Yuka and Sayuri looked at Ranma strangely as he stopped in front of
Akane.
Akane looked up and wondered why Ranma had come to her.
Ateki - I guess Yuka can have a cameo.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" the pig-tailed boy asked as he
stared at Akane. As Ranma looked at Akane, she couldn' tear her gaze away
from his
blue-gray eyes and was soon lost in their depths. The raven-haired girl
nodded as her response was lost in her lips and stood up to follow Ranma a
small distance away from her friends.
Couldn't. Eyes are suddenly blue-gray instead of blue. Might want to note
this as her either noticing the gray in them or something of that sort.
Drop the as and
add a comma after nodded. Drop the was before lost. On instead of in.
Period after
lips and start a new sentence.
"I noticed that you had went up on the roof." the boy said
nervously.
"D-did you happen to catch what we talked about?" The short-haired girl
shook her head.
"I saw that you were busy so I just decided to leave. Ranma sighed
out
at her response. A small silence crept its way between them while the two
tried to think of what to say.
End quote after leave. Drop the out. Add next after what.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" Ranma asked, breaking the
silence.
"What?" Akane said intelligently.
"You said that I was busy while I was up on the roof, and I assumed
that you wanted to talk to me about something." Ranma reminded her.
Replace and with so.
"Oh, about that. Ummm....I was actually trying to talk to you about
what happened yesterday. So... how'd you do it?" asked the Tendo girl
asked.
Ranma - I extended my hand and closed my fist around it.
Akane (growling) - That's not what I meant.
One asked will do nicely.
"Uh... do what?" Saotome asked unsure what she was talking about.
Add of after unsure.
"Well, you caught the ball before it hit me. And some of my friends
say that you were all the way at the boys' side of the field." Akane said
while
leaving it up to Ranma to fill in the blanks. Ranma nervously stared at
Akane while thinking of something to say.
Comma instead of the period after field. Overuse of while.
"Actually, I..." Ranma was suddenly interupted by the bell. He
looked
at Akane apoligetically.
Apologetically. Interrupted.
"Don't think I'm letting you off this easy. You will tell me how you
did it and I will not take no for an answer." the short-haired girl firmly
put
her foot down.
Ranma (groans) - Did you have to put it down that hard?
Akane (hrmpfhs) - It's your fault for putting your foot in my way.
Comma after answer instead of period.
Ranma just stared at her and silently nodded at her. With his
response, she walked past him and into the building. Ranma stared at the
spot where she stood for a moment before closing his mouth, realizing it
was open
and looked at Akane's retreating back.
To Be Continued.......
****************************************************************************
**
************
e-mail at tuloyprpnoy@hotmail.com
or visit
http://www.angelfire.com/ca4/dragonfire/fanfiction.html
Overall the story isn't a bad idea but there is quite a bit missing. This
has an outline feel to it
which needs a bit of detail to give the reader more of an idea of what is
going on. A couple
things to consider in light of that there wasn't a training trip...
Ranma and Akane were engaged to be married at birth if not before by my
understanding. If
that is not the case, either Genma or Soun are different from the original,
or Nodoka had
something to say against the match.
Ryoga is a bad penny. I suppose it's possible that Ranma may succeed in
never meeting the
lost boy as there wasn't a training trip, but Ryoga does live nearby, near
enough that he could
actually entertain the thought of going to school at Furinkan.
Ukyo, Shampoo, Mousse and Cologne are out without the training trip. This
also removes
Tsubasa, the Gambler King, Pink, Rink, Plum, Jusenkyo Guide, Safron (and all
related cast)
and Bake-Neko all from the picture.
Gosunkugi would be around but wouldn't be noticed. Same goes for Hiroshi
and Daisuke.
Kuno was mentioned but had nothing done with him. Kodachi... good luck.
Lastly would be Happosai --- oh yea. He's the evil that threatens the
universe. ^^ Nevermind.
Anyways just wanted to add these last comments in case you felt the need to
address them
in your story. The training trip does rule out a good portion of the
trouble makers but alas
not all.
Ciaow
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