From: "Ukyou Kuonji" <ucchans@ameritech.net>
To: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net>; "FFML"
<ffml@anifics.com>
Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic][Azumanga] Reunion
Date: Monday, November 04, 2002 6:56 AM
Ah, Bobbi-kun... I see you've made good on your threat of doing an Azumanga
fic. Well, I suppose I'd better take a look at it: certainly, one must
encourage more fics on this particular series, after all...
[Just a short piece, though I can easily expand on it later if the mood
strikes. Enjoy!]
Sounds good... I already have a few things I'd like to see amplified.
She strode purposefully down the street, unmindful of anything except her
purpose.
Considering who this turns out to be, it's a good thing you didn't mis-spell
it as 'porpoise'. On the other hand, the word 'purpose' used twice in a
sentance seems a bit repetitive. Maybe use 'goal' or 'aim'?
More than a few heads turned to stare at her; she ignored it, having grown
accustomed to it long ago. There were many reasons for the stares.
Certainly, her beauty was one of them; often she'd been told she was quite
beautiful, though it meant little to her. She was what she was; what she
was
was not vain, nor engrossed in the pursuit of beauty. She simply was what
she was.
Perfect description of Sakaki-san.
Her height also tended to gain attention. Unusually tall and graceful for
a
Japanese woman, her height tended to intimidate many of those around her,
particularly men over whom she towered as much as a full head at times.
Not
that she cared; such concerns were beneath her.
Was the pun intentional here, sugar?
Her manner of dress, certainly, was unremarkable; perhaps a bit more
tasteful than some, but nothing particular about her sharply tailored
maroon
blazer and skirt combo or white silk blouse or patent leather pumps stood
out among the many similarly-suited salarymen
I'm picturing salarymen in blazer-and-skirt combos with patent leather
pumps. Eww... and I thought Kimura-sensei was creepy ^_^;;
and office ladies on the
streets and subways.
Oh.
"Mrewr?"
Perhaps it was the cat.
After all, few Japanese women walked around with a full-grown Iriomote
mountain cat draped around their necks.
Ara...
--A!--
Heh. Even your scene changes fit so well with the whole Azumanga flavor.
Bravo.
"Oi, wake up!"
"Donwannalemmealonezzzz..."
"I said wake up, dammit!"
"Donwannalemmealonezzzz..."
"GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL I'LL KICK YOUR ASS THROUGH YOUR
TEETH IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUTTA BED RIGHT NOW!"
You do a really good Yomi-chan, didja know that?
"Well jeez, you don't gotta be pissy about it..."
"Get up and get dressed, baka. It's time."
"Eh? ...ah! Already? Crap, gotta hurry!"
Here's the first question to address in a further installment (if you have
one): Tomo-chan and Yomi-chan are living together? Have you been reading
'Peas in a Pod' or something?
She hummed to herself as she made breakfast. It was a quiet tune she
hummed
sometimes, that made her think about the past.
Thinking about the past made her think about happy things, and thinking
about happy things made her remember that there was something vaguely
important to do today.
As soon as I see the word 'vague', I know who *this* is. ^_^ By the way,
this is a good effect, to make the reader try to figure out who's who...
granted, you don't make it *difficult*...
Thinking about something vaguely important made her think vaguely that she
was smelling something burning.
Thinking about smelling something burning made her think about flying
alien
cats setting fire to girls' pigtails and burning the taiyaki on a grill.
Thinking about flying alien cats setting fire to girls' pigtails and
burning
the taiyaki on a grill made her think about the cute genius girl from high
school who had been her best friend and whose father was probably an alien
cat who grew tomatoes.
I think I missed the bit about the tomotoes...
Thinking about the cute genius girl from high school who had been her best
friend and whose father was probably an alien cat who grew tomatoes made
her
think about eating, and she looked down at her breakfast, which had
blackened in the small pan and was smoking badly.
Heh. Very good, and very Osaka.
"Ah, I burned it," she whined.
I can just *hear* her voice saying this...
"Oi, wake up!"
"Donwannalemmealonezzzz..."
"I said wake up, dammit!"
"Donwannalemmealonezzzz..."
"GOD DAMN YOU TO HELL I'LL KICK YOUR ASS THROUGH YOUR
TEETH IF YOU DON'T GET THE HELL OUTTA BED RIGHT NOW!"
"Well jeez, you don't gotta be pissy about it..."
"Get up and get dressed, baka. It's time."
"Eh? ...ah! Already? Crap, gotta hurry!"
Haven't we seen this scene before? Was this intentional, or was this a
mistake?
She woke up groggily and pushed back the covers, yawning. Scratching
herself, she staggered out of bed and shuffled over to the bathroom.
"Geez,
I shouldn't have drunk so much last night."
Yukari-sensei, I presume?
Her roommate noticed her up, and called out, "Ohayou! You'd better hurry
and
dress and have breakfast if you don't want to be late."
She blinked. "Late?" she asked, frowning.
Okay, so that means that the Nyamo-Yukari pairing isn't supposed to mirror
the Yomi-Tomo pairing, despite another, later duplication of scenes. It
still begs the question of why you repeated the previous scene, though.
<snippage>
Today was a special day. A day she'd waited for for a very long time.
Everything had to be perfect today. Nothing could be allowed to ruin this
day.
In most anime and fanfics, that line is called 'foreshadowing'. Either
that, or I'm just too used to Ranma fanfiction conventialities.
With the light-hearted giggle of a child, Mihama Chiyo rushed to greet the
first of her old classmates to arrive.
Heh. Some things don't change.
[Gathering]
Mm? If this is supposed to be a scene 'title', you forgot to put one in the
first scene. It's not necessary, is it?
"Sakaki-san!" Chiyo called as she rushed out of the house, beaming and
laughing.
The tall woman was kneeling to pet the large white dog who had greeted her
at the gate. The cat draped around her neck regarded the dog lazily. Its
laconic gaze drifted briefly to her.
The cat's gaze drifted to... Chiyo? Not quite clear, here, sorry.
Sakaki blinked. "Chiyo?" she asked.
"Hai!" the girl nodded, smiling.
Mihama Chiyo had changed since graduating high school. Of course, that was
only natural; she hadn't even been thirteen years old at the time. Now,
five
years later, she had matured into a cute, perky young woman; the pigtails
of
childhood were gone in favor of a short, almost pageboy hairstyle which
suited her pretty face and happy eyes perfectly.
Konatsu-chan is at my elbow, and is surprised that Chiyo-chan didn't just
let her hair grow out and pull it back in a single ponytail...
She was of average height,
and had a trim, toned figure. Clad simply in a pink-and-red T-shirt and
blue
jeans, her overall appearance was plain, if pleasing to the eye; she
wouldn't really turn heads in a crowd.
After years of having to put up with being misunderstood for her small
size
and young age, Chiyo found that to be a blessing and a comfort.
How true. No one can stay a prodigy forever.
Now, she smiled at the older woman, and gestured for her to come inside.
"I
have tea and some snacks," she said. "Come on in and we can talk while we
wait for the others."
"Ah...hai!" Sakaki said quietly,
Another voice that sounds just like the character.
"Hmm, yeah, I guess." She smiled and put her arms behind her head as they
walked. "Bet they won't be expecting to see you with a baby though."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, you just never were the type, ne?"
"Are you saying I'm not motherly?"
"I'm just saying it'll be a surprise, from you."
"...urusai."
If these are the teachers, I'm assuming it's Yukari-sensei with the baby,
ne? Because she seems the *last* person to be 'the type'...
"I watch your show every day. It's really good!"
They sat in the living room now, drinking tea. Sakaki blushed. "Thank
you."
She glanced up at the younger woman. "What do you do now? Are you working
somewhere nearby?"
Chiyo shook her head. "I don't work, because I don't need to. We're
wealthy
enough, and after I started handling our stock portfolio, the interest on
our earnings alone is enough to live on."
Damn, it must be nice...
The tall woman's eyes widened. "Sou ka," she breathed. "So then, what do
you
do with yourself?"
"School, still," Chiyo said, giggling. "I like school too much. After high
school, I went to America and graduated from two different schools there.
Then I came back here, and now I'm going to Toudai."
"Toudai?" Sakaki blinked. "And after American schools too?"
CHIYO: Yes, well, there was this promise I made to a classmate of mine from
elementary school. I forget his name, but I know I'll find him there...
The teen shrugged. "I like to study. But I'm only taking a small class
load.
I don't want to burn out, and it gives me time to do other things I like."
Such as...? Something for next time, to be sure.
"I see." Sakaki sipped her tea. "Tadakichi-san looks well."
Chiyo glanced at the dog lying next to her. "Yeah, but he's getting old. I
don't know how much longer he'll be with me. Maybe another five years,
maybe
longer."
Tadakichi looked up at her and wagged his tail briefly. She smiled. "And
Maya looks well too," she commented.
Sakaki stroked the mountain cat, who now lay stretched out beside her on
the
sofa. "Yes, I take very good care of him. And he has one of the best
veterinarians in Tokyo."
Isn't that supposed to be saying the same thing two different ways? ^_^
<more snippage>
She stopped outside a store to buy a can of coffee from a vending machine,
then headed for the bus stop. Being small and slow, she had a hard time
staying upright and not spilling her coffee as the flow of pedestrian
traffic bustled around her.
As she walked, she began drifting, her mind casting back to the happy,
blissful days of youth, when she had few worries.
Invariably, she collided with someone, spilling her coffee all over both
of
them. She apologized profusely; the woman she collided with muttered
something about getting a grip and strode brusquely away.
And again, some things never change.
She looked down at herself; she was stained with coffee.
"Now I have to go back and change," she whined, before turning around and
heading in the direction of her apartment.
Of course, some things *do* change. Like Osaka's outfit.
Two women and a baby got off the train and left the station at a sedate
pace.
"Did you really hafta bring the brat?" one of them asked.
And we've got another repetition. I'm not so sure how well it works; I
don't see the Yomi-Tomo relationship as a mirror image of Yukari-Nyamo,
honestly. But it *does* add to the humor, and I suppose it's not *too*
farfetched, so I'll let it pass. Otherwise, we get into a character debate,
and Kami knows this ML gets enough of that.
<still more snippage... after all, we've seen this scene before>
"Kagura!" Chiyo beamed. "Come on in!"
"Wow, Chiyo, you look good!" The tanned, short-haired woman grinned and
hugged the teen. Dressed in a white turtleneck, a black leather jacket,
and
blue jeans, Kagura looked like a street tough, especially since her face
and
hair hadn't changed at all since high school. Of course, her friends knew
her better than that...well, for the most part.
Odd how she's the only one you haven't had preparing to go to Chiyo's house.
Any particular reason for this?
Having changed, she hurried to the bus stop, not stopping for coffee or
anything, trying to keep her mind focused on the task at hand.
She didn't want to be late. Not today. It wouldn't do to be late today.
Just
once, she needed to keep her head together.
Have I told you how much I love the fact that poor Osaka's still a space
case, even after all this time?
They met up at an intersection near the street that led to Chiyo's house.
They blinked as they caught sight of each other.
"Sensei?"
"Ah, you two..."
And now the mirror images meet. I'm surprised you didn't do a 'Duck
Soup'-style vaudeville routine here. ^_^
"Mou..." Mizuhara Koyomi grumbled as she panted for breath, clutching the
infant she carried tightly to her chest. Beside her, Kurosawa Minamo was
doing much the same. Nearby, Tanizaki Yukari and Takino Tomoe glared
hatefully at the traffic signals.
Okay, now *this* was unexpected, given who of these pairs really seems least
the motherly type.
Then the four of them looked at each other, then at the two babies, then
at
each other again. Without a word, the four of them began making their way
down the street as a single group.
Aaannd there's the routine I was anticipating. Short and sweet, but ti gets
the point across.
The three of them were laughing at one of Kagura's anecdotes when the gate
intercom chimed again.
As one, they stood and went to the door. Chiyo laughed happily as she saw
who it was, and ran out to the gate, opening it.
The woman on the other side, however, looked disappointed. "Gomen'ya," she
murmured. "I think I got the wrong house..."
Heh. You even threw in a bit of the accent so we'd know who this was. Not
that there'd be any doubt that of all the characters, Osaka-san would forget
that Chiyo-chan would grow up in five years' time.
<and even more snippage... hey, you wrote this thing, you know what it says>
Kagura grinned, and Sakaki gave her a small smile. As they went into the
house, Chiyo beamed happily. Everyone was coming together...it was going
to
be a perfect day.
You're laying that foreshadowing on pretty thick, aren't you?
"Oi!"
Chiyo turned. At the gate, four women had suddenly materialized out of
nowhere, two of them carrying babies. Her eyes widened. "Ah! You all came
too!"
"Did you think we wouldn't?" Yukari asked, flashing a V-sign and a grin to
the teenager.
Chiyo's eyes sparkled and brimmed with happy tears as she opened the gate.
Now...now everyone was here. And it was going to be a happy, perfect day.
I take it back... NOW you've laid it on thick.
[Catching Up]
Okay, I see you've got another header. Still think one right at the
beginning is needed, if you're gonna stick with this convention (although I
don't have a suggestion off the top of my head, sorry)
As they trooped into the house, Tomo glanced at Chiyo, and took an
exaggerated step backwards. "Ooooohhhh!" she cried. "Chiyo-chan's all
grown
up now!"
"Ah...hai," the teenager said, a sweatdrop rolling down the back of her
head.
Another very typical exchange... you've really been watching the series very
carefully, ne?
Tomo leaned closer to her, peering into her eyes, studying her hair, then
aiming her gaze downward to the younger girl's chest. "OOOOOHHHH!" she
exclaimed. "Chiyo-chan has breasts!"
"Ano..."
Just SO Tomo... although wouldn't she be comparing sizes by now?
Tomo reached out to poke the hapless teenager in the chest. "Yep, they're
definitely breasts," she commented.
CHIYO: As opposed to...?
TOMO: Raisin-pies. Like they were back in high school.
As she was about to make a more thorough
examination, Yomi conked her on the back of the head with a fist, careful
not to upset the infant she carried.
"Baka," Yomi snorted before tromping past into the house.
GENMA SAOTOME: Now *that*, she had coming.
TOMO: HEY!! Stay in your *own* fics! You get enough fic time as it is!!
<and a little more snippage>
"You had a baby, sensei?" Kagura asked, eyeing the kid. "Whoa! I never
expected you to..."
"She got knocked up," Yukari smirked.
Smug, isn't she? Yukari-sensei seems so much more likely to forget to use
protection, too. OTOH, I wonder if she's able to attract a man, what with
her oyaji-gyaru attitude.
YUKARI: You sayin' I act like an old man?! *BONK*
UKYOU: Itaii...
"Oooooooooohhhhhh," the others chorused.
There's that perfect sound again...
Kurosawa shot Yukari a venomous look, her face dark red. "I...was
indiscriminate one night, I admit," she said with a sigh. "But I don't
regret Aki-chan one bit." She smiled at the baby. "He's the most precious
thing in the world, my little Akira!"
A silence greeted that.
Uh... why the silence? It's not *that* awkward a moment, is it?
"That's a good name," Osaka offered.
Then they turned to Yomi. "And you too?" Chiyo asked.
"Also knocked up!" Tomo offered loudly, grinning and shooting Yomi a
sideways glance.
Okay, *this* seems unlikely. Of all the girls, Yomi-chan seems the most
practical of the lot. And BTW, Lurker-chan, why can't any of these girls
actually have *found* someone?
Somehow, I think Nyamo's and Yomi's situations might merit a further look.
Nyamo might be understandable (one of those
'I'm-not-getting-any-younger-and-my-biological-clock-is-gonna-go-off-any-mom
ent-now' situations), but Yomi-chan's circumstances seem a bit, well... you
got some 'splainin' t'do, Bobbi-kun...
"Urusai!" the bespectacled woman shouted. Looking at the others, she
sighed.
"His name is Makoto."
A silence greeted that.
"That's a good name too," Osaka said.
Symmetry, I suppose, but I still wonder why the pauses.
Osaka's eyes widened. "Ah!" she said suddenly. "I know now!" She leaned
forward, studying Sakaki with a serious expression. "You're Tarzanna of
Kitty Jungle, aren't you?"
The two teachers, as well as Tomo and Yomi, blinked.
"H-hai," Sakaki blushed.
"Tarzanna?" four voices echoed as one.
"It's a kiddy show," Kagura explained, grinning.
Another odd surprise: the women with kids wouldn't be familiar with a kids'
show like this? Or did it just not occur to them that this was Sakaki-san?
"Sakaki here prances around
in a spotted loincloth with Maya and a bunch of kitties in a fake jungle
and
entertains kindergarteners."
Okay, that seems a bit unexpected for her, to be sure (save for the fact
that she always wanted to be surrounded by cute kittens and whatnot).
You're probably hoping someone does a fanart of that show, aren't you?
"So what about you guys?" Sakaki asked, desparately hoping to shift
attention away from herself.
"Yeah, what are the rest of you up to?" Chiyo asked. "You already know
about
me, and Kagura's a swim coach now..." This caused Kurosawa to beam at the
tanned girl for a moment.
::nodnod::
"Well, I just so happen to be very important in the entertainment industry
also!" Tomo said, standing and gesturing to herself as she boasted. "I'm a
famous seiyuu!"
You know, *that* doesn't surprise me. Tomo-chan is an awful lot like
Kobayashi/Puni Puni Poemi in temperment, isn't she?
"Wow!" Chiyo said.
"Sugee ya," Osaka opined.
"A seiyuu? Like anime?" Kagura asked.
"She does voiceovers for hentai computer games," Yomi put in.
Okay, *that's* a twist. Trust Yomi to turn the tables on her friend where
she can.
Another moment of silence lapsed.
Now, *this* moment of awkward silence I can understand.
"And a couple anime," Tomo piped up.
"Ecchi anime."
More silence.
Oooookay.... I guess it's easier to break into, ne?
"Well...I'm good at it!" Tomo insisted, sitting back down.
Sweatdrops.
No kidding. There's another story for ya... how did Tomo discover she had
this particular, uh, talent?
"Okay. And Yomi?"
"I work in a karaoke bar."
Everyone cringed.
She *doesn't* sing, I *hope*.
"I work in a video store," Osaka said. "I like it. It's an easy job."
"Do you still space out all the time?" Yukari asked.
The pale girl nodded. "Yeah, but..." she shrugged. "So do all the other
clerks. It's a very boring job. That's why it's perfect."
Haven't seen the movie, but "CLERKS: Osaka-style" might be worth checking
out.
As they tried to digest that, Chiyo began to feel a nagging sense of
wrongness. "Ano...I feel like we're forgetting something important."
"That can't be right. We're all here, aren't we?" Tomo asked.
Well, actually...
They all looked around at one another. "Yeah, I think we're all here,"
Kagura replied.
--A!--
"I'm going out now," a man's voice called from the front door of a small
house.
Oh, dear... Chiyo-chan didn't invite Kimura-sensei, did she?
"Come home safely!" two female voices chorused from inside.
Nobody paid much attention to the messy-haired, bespectacled man who
shuffled slump-shouldered into the street, jaw hanging open in a somewhat
creepy manner.
A few moments later, a teenager in a school uniform ran after him,
carrying
two obento as well as her bookbag.
I'm assuming this is Kimura's daughter, and no someone we should know from
somewhere in the series...
Inside the small house, a beautiful brown-haired woman smiled blissfully
as
she cleaned up the breakfast dishes. She hummed merrily, thinking of
nothing
but how happy and wonderful her family was.
The cry of an infant rang out in the air.
"I've got it," a younger woman's voice said from deeper in the house. A
few
moments later, a woman wearing a maroon school uniform walked into the
kitchen, shoulder-length dark hair swaying as she rocked a baby gently in
her arms. "Is there a bottle in the warmer?" she asked.
"Hai, Kaorin-chan," she said. "Do you need me to do the laundry today?"
I was wondering if Kaorin was gonna be included. She working for the
Kimuras as an au pair or something?
"No, it's okay, I can handle it. Just let me feed Sakiko-chan and get her
settled back down."
"You're a good mother, Kaorin-chan," the older woman smiled.
NO! You didn't get *Kaorin* knocked up, too?!
Kaorin blushed. "Well, you've helped me a lot."
Okay, that's sort of in line with Kimura-sensei's track record of doing good
works, despite his creepy exterior. So he took Kaorin in after she got
pregnant, ne?
She glanced at the clock.
"Ah! It's almost time!"
The older woman laughed softly. "You go ahead, dear. The laundry can
wait."
"Haaai!" Baby in her arms, Kaorin rushed to the living room and turned on
the television.
Aww... so she wasn't invited to the reunion. Poor Kaorin.
Of course, she isn't aware of it, I suppose, so it's not like she knows what
she's missing...
She never missed 'Tarzanna of Kitty Jungle'.
No, I suppose she wouldn't. ^_^
----AZUMANGA DAIOH!----
*owari*
All in all, very good. The bit with Kaorin at the end is somewhat poignant
(She always struck me as the Charlie Brown of the series - she never wins,
never winds up with Sakaki, always winds up with Kimura), but it doesn't
detract from the lighthearted tone of the overall piece. And that fits with
the entire tone of the series, too, with the serious matter constantly
leavened with gentle humor.
You've got a fair number of loose ends that you may or may not wish to tie
up: I've pointed out a few, and I imangine other readers might find more
(the more I think about it, the more I can picture poor Kaorin letting some
guy get her pregnant simply because her low self-esteem and lack of spine...
but I dunno how any writer could keep that in the light Azumanga flavor); I
for one would love to see more, but it's certainly up to you. Lovely work,
Bobbi-kun.
Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'