--- Roehl Sybing <indef@infinitedeferral.com> wrote:

Hello,

I don't know if I want to make this the final version of Chapter 
Six, so I'm not putting it up on the usual sites just yet.  If I 
wake up in the morning and find I'm not satisfied, I'll do 
something about it.  In the meantime, C&C please, and be 
absolutely critical (still recovering from the trauma of a car 
accident, I WILL break down and cry, but a bit of adversity is 
good for the soul, or so I am told, because if I'm being lied to 
about that I will take it out of someone's hide), it's been so 
long since I felt creative, I've gotten rather rusty at it. *g*

I've been meaning to C&C this, just haven't gotten to it.

---
Only Human
An Ah! My Goddess Fanfic
By Roehl Sybing (indef@infinitedeferral.com)

Chapter Six: Another Perfect Day

Belldandy knew full well that her decision to remain human would 
have hit a nerve, if not with her sisters, then with others in the 
Heavens.  Whatever her reasons, Urd did not approve, and Belldandy 
did not yet know the extent of her superiors' patience.  Whether 
they would be accomodating  

accomodating:accommodating
 

"Say, Keiichi, I think I'm ready for...what's the word?  
Intimacy!  That's it!" she said nonchalantly and in almost one 
unbroken train of thought spoken aloud, "I'm not too sure of the 
specifics...but it sounds like something that we should be doing, 
and since the house is left to the two of us, I don't think I'll 
ever be more ready..."

I don't think Belldandy is this naive about how "the game" is 
played. She certainly demonstrated feminine wiles in convincing 
the Laplacian Demon to switch to her side in the Game of Life 
(Roulette) chapter. She also showed knowledge of how to get 
what she wanted in the "Belldandy's Tempestuous Heart" chapter. 
The fact that she chooses to play life by her own rules rather 
than anyone else's doesn't mean she's ignorant of conventional 
methods of seduction. Still, I'd expect her to be somewhat shy 
even if she had decided to put the moves on Keiichi. 
 

A startled Keiichi, rolling his eyes without Belldandy looking, 
knew not how to respond. "I don't think I'M ready..." he said 
underneath the sound of the motorcycle engine.

That's certainly true enough. Keiichi is the primary one holding 
things back, not Bell-chan.

"Well?" he said, once the fanfare turned into a scattered 
applaused, 

applaused:applause

 

"Keiichi?" she asked, "That woman...who was that?"

"Hm?  Oh, just someone who was curious, she wanted to know what 
was going on."

"I see," Belldandy replied, unconvinced.

"Belldandy?" Keiichi asked curiously, smiling at her, "You're not 
jealous, are you?"

I think he'd hesitate before asking a question like that. 
 

She looked at him, failing to keep underneath the surface a hint 
of disdain, "If I was jealous, surely I  would let you know it."

Well, he would know. Even without glass shattering all around, 
he knows what a jealous Belldandy looks like (or thinks he does).
 

She nodded her head.

"After all this time, I haven't changed my mind.  But, even if you 
don't believe me, at least let me take care of you when you are 
a...bother.  It's the least I can do for, well, everything."
She knew Keiichi long enough to recognize a response that came 
from the heart.  Her heart flew as she, out of instinct and 
without much notice, planted her lips firmly on his before she 
could change her mind about it.  It was a very brief moment of 
contact, and not much passionate about it, but it was a pure 
display of affection, and it was enough to leave Keiichi 
absolutely paralyzed.

Belldandy, on the other hand, was frantic.  She laughed 
hysterically, "That was...that was...that felt so...oh, wow!  I 
have to, uh...excuse me, I'm just going to..."
Her voice trailed off as she happily left the clubhouse, not 
noticing that Keiichi was in a state of delusion that could only 
be created by a dream come true.

Hmm, kind of manic here. Belldandy has kissed Keiichi and shared
other very emotional moments with him before without losing it. 
Even with the emotional changes she's going through, I wouldn't 
expect her to act like she'd never kissed anyone before. I would 
suggest dropping the "hysterically".

"Help me!  Somebody help me!  AIIIIEEEEEE..." was the sound he 
made as he inexplicably ran from the passenger seat, somehow 
running on wheels and under its own power, prematurely supplied.
Keiichi looked on, just stunned, "Well, I've never seen it do that 
before."

"Me neither," Sora replied, if only to fill up an awkward silence.
Belldandy came into sight, coincidentally after the episode of 
mayhem died down.  She kept her hands together, clutching her sore 
palms and fingers.  She and Keiichi exchanged looks.

"I'm sorry for keeping you, we should've been out of here one or 
two hours ago," Keiichi said.

She looked around, "What happened?"

"Well, among other things, we need to replace the engine, chase 
down the passenger seat, and last time I looked, remove a heck of 
a lot of added parts from what was supposed to just be the 
steering wheel."

Luckily for Belldandy, Keiichi wasn't looking at her.  He would 
not be able to see, for the first time, her look of wide-eyed 
shock, and the internal attempt to keep herself calm.  The natural 
response that came to mind was to just not say a word, something 
that may haunt her later, but Belldandy could not possibly worry 
about that.

Is this implying that Belldandy was responsible for the seat and 
steering wheel? If so, why would she have done such a thing? Maybe
there's a good reason, but Bell-chan has watched K1 fix motor 
cycles and has even fixed a few herself. When Urd lost her license 
she didn't lose the ability to ride an unfamiliar motorcycle, she 
just had to think about what she was doing since it wasn't second 
nature any more. She was still a very good rider.

"If you could only realize what I have been through in the past 
few days, maybe you wouldn't be so quick to judge."

The woman scoffed, "Come now, Belldandy!  You know that it is not 
up to me to judge.  And it may not be your place to choose either!"

"Who sent you to come look for me?  Was it Urd?"

She nodded, "Urd got called up, yes."

"And my big sister told you to find me and convince me to change 
my mind, is that right?"

"Well..." the woman said, drifting away.

Belldandy looked in her eyes and insisted, "What?  What's going 
on?"

"Don't you get it, Belldandy?  EVERYBODY sent me after you!"

At first I thought "Urd and Skuld would never rat out Belldandy!" 
but I can see why this mystery person might want to use Urd as 
cover. 

***

All in all, not a bad chapter. I'm a little uncomfortable with 
the emotionally OOC Belldandy, but since that's the whole point 
of the fic I can understand it. 

Brian Welch

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