SMARTALECK PRODUCTIONS

Cardcaptor Ranma!
By Arun "arun2110@sancharnet.in"

Disclaimers:
Cardcaptor Sakura and Ranma one-half, I own not.




"Yo, Ranma Saotome here. What I'm gonna tell ya, ya
ain't gonna believe, but I swear, it's all true...

"It started about three years ago when I visited a
cursed valley in China called Jusenkyo, no thanks ta
my old man's stupidity. Well, we got there, got
ourselves cursed... I turn inta this incredibly sexy
chick of all things and pop turns inta a panda... Then
I got engaged ta a crazy Amazon chick, Shampoo, that's
her name, who first chased me all across China tryin'
ta kill me and then all over Nerima, that's in Japan,
tryin' ta marry me.

"Throw in an uncute tomboy, a cute 'boyfriend' turned
fiancee, a crazy gymnast, her even crazier brother, a
half-blind duck-boy, Mr. P-chan, two evil dried up
mummies, a crybaby, mother superior, the loan
shark-mercenary, a half-dragon and a real Phoenix God
and you got the next two years of my screwed up life.

"What? Ya think that's a bunch of bull? Well, it
ain't. I just got the thing ta prove it." Shows some
photos of the Nerima Wrecking Crew. "Now, ya believe
me?"

Pause.

"Good. And when those two years were over, I knew even
weirder stuff was gonna happen..." Shudder. "If I had
known what was goin' ta happen, I swear I'd have
committed seppuku."

Pause.

"Ya see, pops kinda kleptomaniacal. The old lard-ass
went and stole some Clow book from the Tokyo
university, thinkin' that it was worth somethin'... I
happened upon it one afternoon," cut scene to one
where Ranma sees the Book of Clow and tries to open
it, thinking that Genma has secretly stashed away some
dough in it, "and well, one thing went ta another and
I," shudder, "opened it.

"Turns out that the damn thing was created by some
asshole magician called
'I-am-a-mother-f***ing-son-of-a-b****' Clow a long
time ago. When I opened the book, it released all of
them Clow cards and P-chan, who was searchin' for a
bathroom just then, was turned inta this incredibly
annoyin' Kero character wheneva he was near me."

Shudder.

"I shoulda killed the damn thing right then and be
done with it, but I wasn't in my right mind and I lost
the chance. It was one of the greatest mistakes I have
ever made in my life... Soon, I was capturin' Clow
cards that seemed ta pop out of nowhere for no reason
and kept possessing people for no reason," cut ta
scene of Ranma-chan battling a even more perverted
Happousai while wearing nothing but garters. Cologne
is on the background filming the whole 'capture.' She
is dressed in an incredibly cute pink dress with
aprons and all. Her face, however, is still as ugly as
ever. All around her lie unconscious young men and
women. Some have nose bleeds and some do not. The
sight of Ranma-chan in garters proved too much for the
former and the sight of Cologne in her cute dress
proved too much for the latter.

Shudder.

"Anyways, I captured them all and ya know what
happened? Some character called Euei, who turned out
ta be Kuno's, that the even crazier brother by the
way, alter ego came out of nowhere and tried ta get me
ta date him... Let's just say that it wasn't pretty,"
cut to scene of Kuno with a very big, stupid looking
pigtail waving his, err, bokken around in a vain
effort to snag Ranma-chan. Ranma-chan keeps screaming
holy hell at the size of the, err, bokken, and running
around in wild circles for a long time before she
finally decks Euei with a punch when he is distracted
by the sight of her in the same garter she wore when
fighting Clow-Happousai. "But in the end, I managed ta
defeat him and now," smile, "I can finally rest."

"Ranma come and get your breakfast!" Akane shouts from
off-screen.

"Eek! That's my exit cue... A hero's work is never
done and all, ya know," Ranma says and runs away in a
cloud of dust, shouting, "I ain't eatin' no toxic
waste, Akane!"




Author's notes:
Thought this up while watching the penultimate episode
of Cardcaptor Sakura. Ain't I evil?

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