Mina-san, Ohayou!
A Typical Ranma Fic
-------------------
It is a very typical morning at the Tendou Doujou. The typical
people are doing the typical things in their typical way. Ranma
and Genma have their typical fight, while Kasumi prepares a
typical breakfast. The typical sparring ends the typical way when
Kasumi makes her typical call.
Kasumi: Oh my! Ranma! Oh my! Uncle Saotome! Oh My! Breakfast
is ready. Oh my!
Ranma and Genma immediately plunge into the pond - even though
they were at the other end of the garden when Kasumi called.
Ranma-chan smiles her typical roguish smile and answers in her
typical, rough, but lovable manner.
Ranma-chan: Yo! Lotsa @*#%!in' thanks, Kasumi. I'm %*@!#in'
hungry!
They storm into the living room and begin eating with their
typical speed. Souun Tendou comes in, bawling in his typical way.
Two rivers of tears squirt from his eyes.
Souun: Waaaaah! Good morning Kasumi! Waaaaah! Good morning
Saotome-kun, Ranma-kun. Waaaaah!
Kasumi: [pouring a kettle on Ranma-chan] Oh my! Good morning,
Father. Oh my!
Ranma: Yaah! #%*@!in' hot!
Akane and Nabiki come in. The typical mallet is in Akane's hand,
and she is frothing at the mouth in her typical way.
Akane: AAAAAARRGH! RANMAAAA! [mallets Ranma]
Ranma: Yo! Good %#!*@in' mornin', ya @*#%!in' tomboy.
Kasumi: Oh my! Good morning, Akane. Oh my! Good morning,
Nabiki. Oh my!
Akane: RRRAAAAAH! RANMAAAA! [mallets Kasumi, sits down]
Nabiki holds out her hand. Kasumi puts several bank notes in it.
Nabiki: [satisfied] Good morning Oneechan. [sits down]
Kasumi serves the other family members and all dig in. Nabiki
holds out her hand, and her father pays her to eat.
Akane: RANMAAAA! [mallets her food] ARRRGH! [mallets Ranma]
Kasumi: Oh my! I'm happy you like it, Akane. Oh my!
Akane: [smiles sweetly; mallets Kasumi] RANMAAAA! [mallets
Ranma]
Souun turns towards Ranma and Akane, instantly triggering Ranma's
curse.
Souun: Waaaaah! Children, aren't you late for school? Waaaaah!
Ranma-chan: *@%#!in' yeah! Yer @#*%!in' right! [to Akane] Get
a !#%*@in' move on, ya #@*%!in' sexless tomboy.
Akane: [mallets Ranma] RANMAAAA!
She mallets her father goodbye, gets up, mallets open the door and
takes off, Ranma-chan following right behind. Nabiki holds out
her hand, until her father pays her to get up and go to school.
Kasumi: [calls after them] Oh my! Have fun at school! Oh my!
~*~
At school, Ranma and Akane enter their typical classroom and meet
their typical friends. Ranma is inexplicably male again.
Akane: ROAAAARR! RANMAAAA! [mallets Yuka and Sayuri; mallets
Ranma]
Ranma: [to Hiroshi and Daisuke] Yo! #@!*%in' good mornin' to
ya!
Ukyou arrives. Her feet are four inches above the ground, her
typical halo is shining brightly, and her typical angelic wings
flutter softly behind her.
Ukyou: Good morning. [blesses everybody] I'm Ran-chan's best
friend, because I knew him for a while, ten years ago, and
then spent more than half my life wanting to kill him.
Akane: AAAAARGH! [mallets Ukyou] RANMAAAA! [mallets Ranma]
Ukyou: [turns the other cheek] You are forgiven. If you want to
talk about your psychotic, murderous rage, I'm there for
you. Everybody knows that Ran-chan talks with me about
everything, all the time, even though he's never actually
been seen doing so.
Akane mallets her chair and sits down. The others follow suit, as
the teacher enters and the lesson begins. The teacher calls upon
Akane.
Teacher: Miss Tendou, can you tell us where we left off?
Akane: RAAAAAAAH! [mallets her book; mallets Ranma] RANMAAAA!
Teacher: That's right. And can Mr. Saotome tell us what we
learned about that, last time.
Ranma: No, I %!@*#in' can't! I never @#%*!in' listen ta anythin'
ya %*!#@in' say.
Suddenly the building shakes and one wall of the classroom
explodes. Shampoo is standing over the wreckage with a tray of
food. She jumps and bounces her way over to Ranma, stopping by
his desk. He breasts keep bouncing.
Shampoo: Aiyaa! Nihao! Aiyaa! Shampoo bring food! Aiyaa!
Airen eat! Aiyaa!
She sets the tray onto Ranma's desk. The food is not easily
recognizable, since it is glowing with magic, covered in hypnotic
mushrooms and has a big pile of passion spice on top of it. Akane
mallets it suspiciously. Shampoo's breasts are still bouncing.
Akane: AARRRRH! [mallets Ranma] RANMAAAA!
Ranma: Huh? Ya #!*%@in' think so, ya @#!*%in' uncute tomboy?
Yo, Shampoo! Didcha !#*%@in' drug this *!#@%in' food?
Shampoo: Aiyaa! Shampoo do! Aiyaa! Shampoo always put love
magic in all food! Aiyaa!
Akane smugly mallets Ranma, then mallets Shampoo accusingly.
Akane: RRAAAAAAH! [mallets food] RANMAAAA!
Shampoo: [still bouncing] Aiyaa! Mallet girl too too
suspicious! Aiyaa!
Shampoo pulls a sword from her skin-tight dress and tries to
behead Akane, but Miss Hinako passes by the hole in the wall and
drains them all.
Teacher: [turns back from the blackboard] Pipe down, back there.
This will be on the test.
Ranma: [floating in the breeze] oh *@%#!in' great...
Akane: [weakly mallets Ranma] ranmaaaa...
~*~
After school, Ranma and Akane return home. They have paid Nabiki
to accompany them back. Suddenly Ryouga appears out of nowhere,
as typical. He sees Ranma and scowls his typical scowl.
Ryouga: Ranma!! Prepare to die!!
Akane: [surprised] RRRRRHAAAAA!? [mallets Ranma] RANMAAAA!?
Ryouga notices Akane for the first time and blushes, as he replies
to her.
Ryouga: [stammering] R-Ranma!! Pre- Prepare to die!!
Akane: [smiling] RANMAAAA! [mallets Ryouga] ARRRGH! [mallets
Ranma]
Ryouga smiles back and takes a step towards her. He immediately
vanishes into thin air, leaving behind only a pile of bandannas
that dropped off him during the conversation. Akane mallets the
pile sadly.
Akane: ROOOOAAAAAAARR! RANMAAAA! [mallets Ranma]
Ranma: Yeah, too @!*%#in' bad he can't stay in one place for more
that two #*!%@in' seconds.
Nabiki shrugs. As long as nobody pays her to give a damn...
Arriving back at the Doujou, they find Genma in panda form on the
lawn.
Ranma: Yo, Pops ya ol' %$#!@*, how the #@%*$! are ya?
Genma: [signs] I'm just a cute cuddly panda.
Ranma: %$*#!@in' great for ya. What the *#%!@$ is new 'round
here?
Genma: [signs] I'm just a cute cuddly panda.
Ranma: Oh yeah? I'm gonna go an' !*@%$#in' see her, then.
Akane: RYAAAARGH! [mallets Genma] RANMAAAA! [mallets Nabiki]
Nabiki holds out her hand and Akane pays her, then mallets the
hand. Nabiki counts the money, then nods, satisfied, and turns to
Akane.
Nabiki: Ow.
Genma: [signs] I'm just a cute cuddly panda.
Inside the house Ranma meets his mother, who is carrying her
typical unsheathed sword in her hand and leaving her typical trail
of icicles. She casually cuts a fly in half with her typical
grand master sword skill, then points the blade at Ranma's throat
in her typical manner.
Nodoka: [frostily] Son. Have you been sufficiently manly today?
Ranma: [his breath condensing in the air] Yeah, I was totally
*#$%@!in' manly.
Nodoka: [shooting an icy glare] Very well. I shall spare you
for another day.
She turns and stalks away, swinging her sword menacingly.
Ranma: [happily] Lotsa #!%$*in' thanks, Mom.
~*~
The day continues in the typical fashion, including Akane's
typical daily attempt at cooking, which immediately turns alive at
her touch, the typical martial challenge for Ranma, the typical
dozen of new fiancees, and the typical foreign prince kidnapping
Akane. Finally Ranma goes to his room and pulls on his pajamas.
Nabiki is already waiting outside with a bucket, a kettle, and a
camera.
Ranma: [lying down next to the panda] Man, what a @#%*$!in'
typical day...
Genma: [signs] I'm just a cute cuddly panda.
The (Typical) End
Author's Notes
This fic was a sneak preview of the future of Ranma fan fiction.
It is the logical consequence of the current trend among Ranma
fics to draw less and less of their characterization from actual
canon sources (Manga/Anime) while taking more and more of it from
*other* fanfics. With the abundant wealth of Ranma fanfics having
long exceeded the amount of canon material, it is probably
unavoidable that certain notions taken from other authors' works
creep into a fanfic writer's perception of the characters.
However, if this is not recognized and balanced by frequent
reality checks ("Have you ever seen them act that way in the
Anime/Manga - or was that just a fanfic?") then the inevitable
result will be an escalating spiral of fanfics feeding upon
fanfics, in which all subtleties are lost and all clichees are
exaggerated until the last resemblance to the source material is
lost.
The anime is already a significant step removed from the original
Manga. All the characters are simplified and exaggerated a
little, for comic effect and ease of consumption. Ranma is a bit
more insulting and a bit more full of himself; Genma is a bit more
greedy, more lazy, and more prone to selling Ranma; Souun cries a
bit more; and Akane is a bit more unreasonable and more violent.
And apparently she uses Mallets - I haven't actually witnessed
this, yet, but I've only seen about 20-30 episodes, so I may have
just missed it.
It's this malleting that I'd like to use as an example of how this
character simplification or even mutation works. Quick, without
looking, name five stories in the Manga, in which Akane mallets
Ranma! No? How about three? She doesn't even have to use it,
just handle it. Okay, how about her just being in the *proximity*
of a mallet? Offhand, I can think of two instances: Kodachi
attacking Akane in her introduction story, and Kasumi handing
Akane a mallet for self-defense against Ranma in the hypnotic
mushroom story - a notion at which Akane scoffs, until Ranma
suddenly glomps her, after which she *does* use it several times.
I'm sure you can find several more, if you thoroughly search all
38 volumes, since Takahashi-san loves the mallet as an implement
of slapstick violence - but among 6800+ pages of a series, that's
not what I'd call a *pattern*.[1]
However, the majority of fanfic authors appears convinced that
Akane regularly, if not constantly, mallets Ranma - both
anti-Akane authors, who think she is a psychotic bitch, and
pro-Akane authors, who think that Ranma deserves it. Akane is as
firmly associated with mallets in the collective subconscious of
the fanfic community as Ranma is associated with his pigtail, and
Ukyou with her spatula. Something that was almost nonexistent in
the original and occurred as an occasional sight gag in the Anime
has become an integral, even fundamental, part of her character.
Like a picture that gets xeroxed again and again, the shape of the
characters gets simpler and rougher with each step that they are
removed from the original source, until they are bare sketches
with only a few distinctive marks separating them, which are
exaggerated and thrown into stark contrast by the process.
Already there are quite a few fics, where the characters are so
simplified that they are identified only by a single visual clue
or a catchphrase, or both.
Pigtail + "Tomboy!" = Ranma.
Bandanna + "Ranma! Prepare to die!" = Ryouga.
Bokken + "Foul sorcerer!" = Kunou.
Spatula + "Sugar/Honey/Ran-chan" = Ukyou.
Bonbori + "Airen!" = Shampoo.
Apron + "Oh my!" = Kasumi.
Mallet + "Ranma you pervert/jerk/baka!" = Akane.
Such convenient shorthands can be useful as reminders and/or
identifiers in a non-visual medium like fanfic, where the reader
cannot tell the characters apart by their appearance. But more
and more often I see fics where these shorthands have almost
completely replaced all other forms of characterization.
How long until we have third or even fourth generation fanfics,
which are based entirely on other fics, which were strongly
influenced by other fics, which were based mostly on the Anime,
which was based on the Manga? How long until the above story
really *is* a typical Ranma fanfic?
Let's not let it get that far.
[1] This is, of course, not an attempt to deny a pattern of
*violence*, which is obviously there, although I would dispute the
extremes to which some fanfic authors take it. I'm using the
mallet itself an an example of how clichees grow with the telling.
Sebastian