Subject: [FFML] [AMG][Fanfic][Partial] Feedback needed: "Only Human"
From: "Roehl Sybing" <indef@infinitedeferral.com>
Date: 11/3/2002, 10:56 PM
To:
Reply-to:


Hey,

I'm going to be romping around NYC for the next 48 hours, helping 
out a couple of campaigns for Election Day, so it's quite possible 
that I'm completely in the wrong state of mind for writing 
fanfiction of any sort.  But for some reason, I decided to sit in 
front of the computer and start writing Chapter Seven.

After belting out a page or so, I went for some food and came back 
to look at what I wrote, and I honestly don't know if I'm out of 
my mind.  I suppose I could sleep on it and take a look at it on 
Wednesday, but by then it'll be post-election, when I'll either be 
celebrating a victory or enduring a funeral, in either case I'll 
probably be drunk until Thursday.

So, before I continue on with the story, I was hoping (and I'm 
really hoping beyond hope, because FFML response, I hate to 
complain but I'm owed one moment of ventilation every now and 
then, has not been as much as I would like and I don't ask for 
much to begin with, but we'll drop that before I blame Ranma and 
it's gazillion fics for it ^_^) if someone could look at the stuff 
below for me.  It's just the first two scenes and I'm not terribly 
concerned about grammar/spelling, but more about plot and it's 
plausibility.  And, of course, I am assuming that one has read the 
first six chapters of "OH".

Before this intro gets a bit too long, here's the starter.  Give 
me an email with your honest criticism, please.  Thanks!
---
Only Human
An Ah! My Goddess Fanfic
By Roehl Sybing (indef@infinitedeferral.com)

Chapter Seven: Tell Me Lies

"I already found her," said a very stern Belldandy, once her 
sister walked into the room.  Belldandy and their new guest had 
already been home half an hour before Urd and Skuld materialized 
back on Earth, and were expecting them at the elder sister's 
insistence.

"Bell, I can explain--" Urd started to say, wearing a smile and a 
face she knew how to wear a million times before, whenever she was 
found out.

"Shut up."

The two of them looked at her in stunned silence, startled at her 
sudden response.  Urd, especially, was unable to adjust, despite 
expecting it in that very moment.

"W-what did you say?"

Even Belldandy still could not believe the sound of her own 
voice. "I said...I said...Urd, how could you!?" she cried, failing 
to regain her composure.  She stormed out of the room in a hurry, 
not wanting to choke up a tear in their presence.
---
Keiichi, from the second they arrived home, did exactly as he was 
told: sit in front of the television set and stay out of the 
impending storm.  He was still not aware of how greatly he had 
underestimated the seriousness of it all.  He was just happy that 
the motor club, after making up for lost time, was still on 
schedule for tests on the new model in the following morning.

"Keiichi!" Belldandy called from outside the room, with the sound 
of footsteps telling the rest of the tale.

He turned his head towards the doorway, and Belldandy was already 
in sight, rushing up to him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Belldandy apologized, as if Keiichi 
required one.  Like a small child that had broken something 
valuable, she collapsed onto him seeking some sort of redemption.

Keiichi held her gently, confused about the matter, "What 
happened?  What's the matter?"

Belldandy looked up, with a few tears in her eyes, "I didn't mean 
to...I was just...Keiichi, I'm so sorry!"

Her face fell again onto his shirt and she sobbed uncontrollably, 
never before having said such sharp words at her sister.

"It's alright," Keiichi said by default, "Whatever it is, it's 
going to be--"

"Please hold me, Keiichi," she pleaded, feeling his grasp on her 
begin to loosen, "Just hold me..."

He nodded, and supported the weight of her body against his as she 
searched for breath while in his arms.  He looked down at 
Belldandy, with her eyes closed to keep the rest of the world 
out.  She felt the warmth of Keiichi's body as her cheek pressed 
against his chest.  As she faded away, all she knew was that she 
was comfortable, relaxed.  He made her feel safe.

"If I could just stay like this forever," were her last words 
before the sounds of anxiety and distress turned to ones of gentle 
and quiet sleep.  Belldandy had slipped into unconsciousness, 
resting quite comfortably on Keiichi.
---
Roehl Sybing
infiniteDeferral - http://www.infinitedeferral.com/ 

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