Uh, wow! I can't believe the feedback I'm getting on this- I
was just kind of casting it to the winds... and from a BNA,
too! Sweeto!

Uh, keep in mind this so-called "BNA" hasn't actually written anything but
self-inserts for over two years.  =)  I haven't even watched much anime in
the past year... I'm woefully behind.

However, in this piece I was conciously trying to
parallel "Mallrats",

Oh, that's my problem, then.  I was assuming this was a general Kevin Smith
fusion rather than a re-writing of Mallrats specifically.  That would
explain a lot.  Mallrats is, in my opinion, the most forgettable of his
movies.  Not as bad as Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but at least that
movie had some very memorable highlights.  Mallrats was kinda... blah.  Some
nice dialogue, though, always one of Kevin Smith's strong points.

Interesting.  I'd like to see someone draw Akane as a
fully-grown "raging heartbreaker".  In fact, I'd pay good
money for it.  :)

Hmm. Let me see what I can do. Money is not needed- I like a
challenge (Not that making Akane attractive is a challenge, but
that drawing a stunning woman can be a challenge. For me,
anyway. ^_^)

Woot!  Let me know if you do this... I'd love to see it.  I paid an obscene
amount of money at one fan-art auction for a well-drawn cell of Nabiki.  I
appreciate good art of characters I like.   :)

Oh, BTW, he's not Jay, he's Brodie. Jay would be Hiroshi.

Heh, yeah, it falls into place now.  In Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob are
much more background characters.

RANMA: (Stunned) Hunh?!! WHAT?!?! You're
DUMPING ME?!?!?!

Hmm.  I'm not a big fan of multiple punctuation marks, even
for comedic effect.  Just an observation, not a complaint, really.

I'm not, either. Anymore. I wrote this piece two years ago, and
haven't been able to do a thing with it since. ^_^;

Sometimes I read what I wrote five years ago and wince.  I often twiddle
with my old stuff, re-writing dialogue and such.  Alas, a hard-disk crash a
year ago destroyed most of that rewrite, none of which I had uploaded to my
web site, so I lost years worth of tweaking.  A shame, although I do go back
and tweak once in a while.

Heh.  No sooner do I mention the idea of skipping the setup,
when you present me with a great way to do exactly that.
How about cutting everything that happens before this scene?
Just add a couple sentences of exposition about what led to
this unlikely meeting and you'll have no need for the long and
mostly-uncaptivating intro scene that proceed this.

See my comments above. In your considered opinion, would it
*really* be doable, given my stated intention of paralleling
"Mallrats"? Not being sarcastic, here- I'm honestly asking.

Well, I wrote the above not realizing this was a Mallrats parallel.  After
considered thought, I still let my original criticism stand... while trying
to keep in touch with the Mallrats storyline is good, at the same time you
run a real risk of losing your audience early on.  One thing about a movie
is that you can take time to build up to something - your audience is
trapped, more or less.  In the fanfiction world, the "delete" button is
quite handy, and if you don't do something interesting quickly, POOF!

So my advice would be to sacrifice the close parallel to Mallrats in the
name of grabbing attention early.

AKANE: (sighing) Ranma, the only reason I might have any of
those things is because you left them at my house.

<chortle>

Can't take credit for that one- that's Smith's line, 100%.

Well, maybe.  But you took his line and blended it effectively in the
Ranmaverse.

My stories are filled with lines I've enjoyed reading in other books and
have stolen to use in my works.  For example, one of the last lines in
"Magic" is "For the first, last, and only time in his life, Ranma was at
peace."  I stole that from the Dragonlance novels.

Hmm.  This scene did less for me.  It's really not a Kevin Smith
kinda deal - he doesn't go in for slapstick like this.

Well, I hate to point that out, but he did, pretty much shot-for-shot, in
"Mallrats."

True, now that you jog my memory.  But it wasn't terribly funny in Mallrats,
and you'll notice Kevin Smith never did that kind of slapstick again.  He
learned a lot of lessons from Mallrats, which he considers to be the worst
of his movies.  He tried to be too "conventional Hollywood" and lost a lot
of the special charm that made "Clerks" such a gem.

As an aside, have you ever visited http://www.viewaskew.com ?  (It appears
to be down right now.)  Kevin Smith writes some very candid stuff about his
own works - what he likes, what he doesn't like.  Some interesting stuff
there - including a dashboard "Buddy Jesus" you can buy.  =)

As for the by-play, most of that is Smith's, just tweaked to fit
into the Ranmaverse. I'll see where I can squeeze some more
in- maybe throwaway lines from some of his other movies
could be shoehorned in. Suggestions?

You know what keeps going through my mind - the conversation between Banky
and Alyssa in the bar where they compare injuries they've gotten from
various sexual escapades.  I'd love to see a conversation like that, given a
Ranma twist.  Perhaps Akane and Mousse could have such a conversation in
front of a very red-faced Ranma.  =)

As an aside, that Banky / Alyssa scene was originally written for Mallrats
but cut from the final screenplay, so it sorta belongs there anyway.

On a tangenitally-related point, my *original* idea for a
Ranma/Kevin Smith fusion was to do it with Chasing Amy,
with Ranma in the Joey-Lauren Adams role.

Oooh.... Chasing Amy is my favorite Kevin Smith movie (Dogma is a close
second).  When you're done with Mallrats, you must write this as well.  =)

Then I realized I'd simply be copying your premise from Thy Outward
Part", only without the happy ending. Dropped *that* idea quick...

Hehehe, well, never let that stop you... TOP was hardly original when I
wrote it.  Heck, without realizing it I had stolen Nick Leifker's premise
for getting Ranma stuck as a woman.

Still, it is a somewhat crowded niche of Ranma fanfiction, so I can
understand your reluctance.

So far this one seems to have garned the most positive response,
but everyone just wants to see me finish it! I must admit I wasn't
really prepared for that...

Hehehe, well, it has enough gems in it to make it stand out.  I'd love to
see more of it.

I *love* writing dialogue, sometimes too much. I have to be
careful to avoid turning scenes in my stories into chatfests.

Don't downplay chatfests... they can be quite interesting.  I just finished
re-reading "Jhereg" by Stephen Brust for about the fifth time.  There are
pages and pages where the characters just sit and talk to each other.  It's
*intersting* and fun to read.  He advances the plot and has lots of
different things thrown in to keep it from being just bland "I said blah, he
replied blah, I countered with blah."  But still, it shows that you can have
a good chatfest and still have an interesting story and an entertaining
read.

So don't be held back by a fear of writing too much dialogue, especially
since you do it so well.

Thanks for your input!

You're welcome.  I haven't been keeping up with Ranma fanfic much of late,
but I do keep my eyes open for something unique. You may just have something
here, if you find the gumption to continue developing it.  I hope you do.
=)

Dave Menard

-Richard


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