Here we go again with the usual proofreading. I wonder why I never bother
to do this for anyone else. Probably because nothing else I've actually
wanted to read has come along since I decided to start doing this...

On Thu, 24 Oct 2002, Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

Happosai had left a trail that even the slowest-witted my apprentices could
have followed. Yet, they had to hire a guide. Obviously, they plan on

You probably wanted "...slowest-witted of my..."

killing the guide once they have finished with Happosai. Your problem
gentlemen, is that Happosai will finish with you first. You'll never get

Needs a comma after "problem".

sect of religious fanatics. Your foolish faith in that non-existent

Just as an aside here, I nearly corrected you on the spelling of
"existent" before I realized that you have it correct. That's how
pervasive the misspelling is; I'm so used to seeing it that I have to stop
and remind myself that it's wrong.

invisible to even well-trained eyes. He expected Happosai's carefully staged
little drama be over with in five hours or so. That was a relatively short

"...drama to be..." or maybe "...drama would be..."?

wait by his standards. Watching and waiting without moving did not bother
Ashahara until after the second week passed. This little jaunt was proving

"Asahara" in all other instances of the name.

       "Gotta admit," he muttered as he sleepily tramped his way downstairs,
"its good to know that people are fixin' things."

I won't repeat my rant on its/it's, since I know you just forgot the
apostrophe.

       On reaching the first floor his ears picked the sound of something
else. Running water!

"...picked up the..." or possibly "...picked out the..."?

       He stepped back into the great room and could hear Nabiki's muffled
shout of "Cold! It's cold!"

Hmmm, I'm not sure whether there needs to be a comma before that bit of
dialogue or not, because of the way the sentence is structured. It jumped
out at me as wrong, but I'm not sure of the rules.

wearing yukata and carrying towels. The looks on the two girls faces told
him that he had done the right thing by moving out of their way. It was

Need an apostrophe on "girls'".

though," he muttered. "Of all the things that bug ya about livin' the road,
not havin' water handy is the worst."

"...livin' on the...", I'm sure.

you set a date yet? Are we having two separate weddings, or are the three of
you set on getting it all done in single ceremony?"

Did you mean to leave out an article here, or was your brain going too
fast for your fingers to keep up again?

       "Because thirty seconds after you do that, he's going to be out
ordering wedding invitations, that's why?"

Probably you didn't mean to end this with a question mark, but then again,
maybe you did.

       "Hey! What kind of feat is that, huh?" Ranma asked severely annoyed.

I would put in a comma after "asked".

terror of panty thieves, right? Especially this one?"

Again with the question mark, although on this one I'm far less certain
that you didn't mean for it to be there.

week. I wonder of Taro has run into Haabu yet? Boy! I'd like to see that

"...wonder if Tarou..."

shit! Knowin' Haabu and his crowd, they'd be throwin' a really big barbeque
after it was over with.

That's "barbecue". According to webster, derived from a Spanish word,
"barbacoa", and not, as I'd always thought, from a ranch called the
Bar-B-Q. The word's been in use since ca. 1690, though, so that puts that
theory right to rest. The things you learn when you didn't even know you
wanted to know.

       Ranko cackled then said, "They'd be havin' a really big barbeque,
that's what!"

See above.

       "I'd whole lot rather fight Safuron again than I would Haabu," Ranma
and Ranko chorused.

Lack of an article here just a speech idiosyncracy, or was it
unintentional?

was doing the same thing. He liked Cologne, and had no doubts that she liked
him as well, but he never forgot that the Ancient Amazon had her own agenda

Did you mean to capitalize "Ancient" here, and if so, why?

       "As it happens," Cologne said, pausing to accept a cup of tea from
Nabiki. "I have it on good authority that Haabu is favorably disposed toward
you, Ranma."

There wants to be a comma after "Nabiki" rather than a period.

       "You'll want to get them out of your way quickly, I'm sure," Cologne
said, giving Ranma a sly grin. "If I am any judge human affairs--and I am."

"...judge of human..."

       "Why is it that the old letch has become so important all of sudden?"

"Letch" is usually used to describe a feeling, rather than a person;
"lech", on the other hand, describes both. I almost didn't bother to
correct this, it's such a trivial thing, but, after all, accuracy is
important. To someone. Usually me, I suppose.

the demons name, then sipped her tea.

"demon's" needs an apostrophe.

       "No, I haven't and had not planned on telling them, Soun said in a
heavy voice surprising everyone. They all turned toward the sound of his

You left out the quote marks after "them," and you probably should put a
comma after "voice".

       I wonder what's buggin' him? Ranma wondered. Is he feelin' sad about
something or is he feelin' guilty. Tendo-san is funny egg. There are days

Was Ranma's second thought not meant to have a question mark at the end?
Also, the next sentence needs an article.

when he's brimmin' with confidence and he breathes fire like a dragon and
there's all those times when he weep like a baby. I wonder what the hell

"...he weeps like..." Also, I would put a comma after "dragon". (I
personally would also put "then" after that "and", but that's totally a me
thing and not required.)

       "Of course not, Obaasan" Soun answered with more than a hint of
irritation in his voice. "Initially he went out with his father. I had no

Need a comma after "Obaasan".

       "Bauble?" Ranma asked sounding surprised.

Man, you are leaving out commas left and right this episode. Need one
after "asked".

a moment of silence he looked up at Cologne said, "Tell me Elder, what is
the Amazon's involvement with this cursed bit of sapphire?"

Here, you need one after "me".

and I can tell ya, I don't really know him. But what's all this about the
old letch? Are ya tellin' me he didn't always steal panties?"

See above re: letch.

       "I thought it was in the deep waters of the Pacific, a hundred miles
east of Hokkaido. The water there is several kilometers deep. There would be

Switching from miles to kilometers? I would say pick one and stick with
it. Doesn't Japan use the metric system?

       Cologne, Ranma noted with sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach,
did not look the least bit relieved by this news.

Again with leaving out articles. This must be why you always mark these
things "Rev 0". ;-)

       "I honestly do _not_ know!" Soun answered with desperation creeping
into his voice. "Just before the typhoon arrived, Genma and I heard the

I have this feeling that there wants to be a comma after "answered", but
then, I don't know that one is strictly necessary.

him, but he shrugged them off. Nabiki's eyes and grown to the size of dinner
plates as she motioned for Ranma to calm down. Ranma was having none of it.

"...eyes had grown..." I do that one all the time, too. I never understand
what my fingers were thinking, the two words are only vaguely similar.

before now? And why is it you're so eager to get your hands on it before the
letch does? I don't like the sound of any of this!"

Blah blah "lech" blah blah...

       "My! Now that is an impressive trio!" Cologne said Ranma and the
girls beside him. "Very well, Ranma-kun, I'll explain. I hope you're ready

"...said to Ranma..." or maybe "...said of Ranma..."?

       "He's quite right to be suspicious, granddaughter," Cologne said,
holding up her hand. "It might please you to hear that I have no desire

You capitalized "granddaughter" earlier; consistency is even more
important than accuracy.

       "Because the older you are, the more likely it will be that the
cursed thing will be able to influence, you, that's why."

Extraneous commas, noooo! Oh, wait, sorry, I overreacted. (Come on, work
with me here, there's only so many ways you can say, "Hey, you screwed up
here." ;-)

       Ranma winced again. Akane and Ranko each placed one hand on his arms,
and leaned against him. Ranma took a deep breath and drew strength from

I would go with "...each placed a hand on one of his arms..." instead.

       "The Eye can take advantage of such memories. It can twist them and
make you a slave of your own conscience. Even an extremely virtuous person
can find the very best of his desires twisted to the purposes of evil under
the influence of that wretched rock."

Not a correction, nor a suggestion, but a question, and one that I don't
actually expect to be answered, but what if you don't really have a whole
lot in the way of a conscience and don't regret anything you've ever done?
Such a person need not necessarily be evil, really. Just very
self-absorbed.

curiosity until it was taken to Europe and spent some time in the hands of a
German alchemist. No matter where it originated, we know that it spent some

By the name of Faust, no doubt. One of these days I should read that play.

time in the possession of Genghis Kahn. After that, it belonged to Kublai
Kahn, and finally Timur the Lame, known as Tamerlaine, in the West."

"Kahn" is that actress's name. I think you want "Khan". "KHAAAAAAAAAAN!"
Ahem. Sorry. Shatner flashback.

       "We did," Cologne answered. "Fortunately, our tribal elders of the
time recognized its danger and sealed it away in specially dug cave.

Blah blah missing articles blah blah...

       "Indeed?" Cologne asked, cocking an eyebrow at him. "It was stolen
from the Manchu treasury by someone, again, we do not know by whom, and it
eventually fell into the hands of one Oda Nobunaga. You probably know a lot

I would do "...someone--again..." and "...whom--and..."

on the head. "He carried it with him to Korea and there, it was stolen, and
again, we don't know by whom, but we recovered it. Amazingly, one of our

This is just a touch awkward. I know you hate semicolons, but I would go
"...Korea, where it was stolen; again..." Or, you know, maybe not a
semicolon, even, but a period. I think it's a big enough break to warrant
one.

agents found it still in the very box we had originally stored it upon our

"...stored it in upon..." or maybe "...box in which we..." Also, I might
leave out the "our" as not being strictly necessary. (I normally try not
to make sentence structure suggestions for dialogue, as people talk all
kinds of crazy ways, but Cologne as you write her strikes me as someone
fairly precise in her speech.)

       "When we next caught wind of the Eye's whereabouts, it had fallen
into the possession of a lay student of recently disbanded Shaolin order.

"...of a recently..."

His name was, Hung Hei-kun," Cologne said.

I wouldn't put a comma after "was".

       "Yes, and no, Ranma-kun," Cologne answered. "By all the accounts we

Or after "Yes".

       "Later, Ranko," Ranma hissed in a half-whisper then mumbled to Akane,

I would, on the other hand, put one after "whisper".

       Cologne gave out an exasperated sigh then said, "One of the men to

Also, I would put one after "sigh". Or, if you don't want a comma, change
"then" to "and".

       Another heavy silence filled the air until Nabiki picked up her cup
and held out toward Ranma in the manner of offering a toast.

"...held it out..."


That's all the time we have for today. Thanks for tuning in, and we hope
you've enjoyed our show. Be here next week, when we bring you a special
report on the latest fad sweeping the nation, "Diving for Donuts."


Or, wait, no, that's not right. What I meant to say was, "Ooh, the plot
thickens. Are you sure this isn't going to turn into another epic? Anyway,
I'm liking the direction this is going, although there wasn't nearly
enough sex. Okay, I'm mostly kidding about the sex. It has its place, and
this wasn't it."


Eric "Stirge" Sturgeon



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