Well.  I happen to be a big fan of the Askewiverse (with the exception of
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, which I found curiously unamusing).  So I
felt compelled to respond to this.  =)

SCRIPT FORMAT WARNING: Yeah, I hate script format too, but
sometimes ya gotta go with it...

Well, I hate script format too, but for short comedic works it can be quite
effective.  Especially when it's a tribute to a movie director.

( She winds up and decks him, sending him spinning off
across the Nerima skyline)

Hmm.  This beginning, it's so... ordinary.  Don't get me wrong, it's not
badly-written, it's a nice way of showing what kind of relationship Mousse
and Shampoo have.  But it's so full of standard stuff, including the
obligatory suborbital flight, that I got tired reading it.

Fanfic beginnings are *so* important if you want to keep your audience.  I
think you need to include something non-standard right away - something
unique to the Askewiverse to draw in your audience right away.  As it is, I
can see too many people deleting this fanfic after reading to the first
scene break because it's like a million other Ranma fanfics.

Start strong.  Draw them in.  Setup can come later.

AKANE has grown into a woman who is no longer
merely cute; she's a raging heartbreaker.

Interesting.  I'd like to see someone draw Akane as a fully-grown "raging
heartbreaker".  In fact, I'd pay good money for it.  :)

KASUMI is serving breakfast, SOUN has his head buried in
the newspaper, NABIKI is leafing through the Financial section,
GENMA, in panda form is wading into a plateful of bamboo
shoots as RANMA, slightly damp and in girl form, wolfs down her
third helping of bacon and eggs.

<shudder>  Standard Ranma Scene Intro #1.  I know this because I've used it
myself.  =)  Strive to avoid these kind of things whenever possible - add
non-standard touches.  Maybe Ranma could be chatting on a cell phone while
she eats or Soun could be working out for a change, stuff like that.

As she enters the room, SOUN looks up from the paper and
acknowledges her with a meaningful nod and a raised eyebrow.
Swallowing hard, she nods back.)

At first I thought "she" was Ranma.  Use "As AKANE enters the room..."
instead.

We, however, can see that RANMA has slid downhill
into slackerdom since we saw him last. He's still in
excellent shape, but he's growing a scruffy goatee
and has replaced his chinese shirt with a flannel
shirt over a T-Shirt)

:D  :D  :D  :D

Ranma as Jay.  Oh my.  I actually shudder to think what Jay would do if he
was suddenly thrown into the Nyaanichuan.

RANMA: (Stunned) Hunh?!! WHAT?!?! You're DUMPING ME?!?!?!

Hmm.  I'm not a big fan of multiple punctuation marks, even for comedic
effect.  Just an observation, not a complaint, really.

Other than that, I'm going to sound like a broken record.  So far standard
Ranma fic - *very* standard - with barely a hint of Askewiverse stuff.  I'm
sure this is all setup for later stuff, but again, you have to think of your
intended audience.  Will they have the patience to wade through the
oh-so-cliched beginning to get to "the good stuff"?  Consider adding more
Askewiverse stuff right away, or make the beginning a bit less standard -
heck, maybe ditch it altogether.  I'll come back to that idea later (haven't
actually read the rest of the fic yet, I comment as I go along.)

(The scene shifts to the vacant lot down the street from the
Tendou Dojo. The camera pans up, and we see a long-haired,
white robed figure plummet down from the sky. MOUSSE
hits the ground head first, leaving a MOUSSE-shaped crater
in the turf. Prying himself out of the hole he glances around.
A small pup tent has been pitched, and a figure is camped
in front of a small fire, muttering to himself. MOUSSE dusts
himself off and approaches. The figure raises his head at his
approach.)

RANMA:(full of false cheer) Heya, duck-boy.

MOUSSE: Saotome? What are you doing here? You on some
kind of training trip?

(MOUSSE hunkers down beside RANMA.)

RANMA: Nope. You can be the first to congratulate me. I'm free of
the uncute tomboy for good. Great, na?

Heh.  No sooner do I mention the idea of skipping the setup, when you
present me with a great way to do exactly that.  How about cutting
everything that happens before this scene?  Just add a couple sentences of
exposition about what led to this unlikely meeting and you'll have no need
for the long and mostly-uncaptivating intro scene that proceed this.

RANMA: (conspiratorially) Well the other night, me an' Akane
are... well, doin' IT... <snip>

Well, while I can't see Ranma as portrayed in the manga describing what
Akane's like in bed, I can see Kevin Smith directing Ranma to say that kind
of stuff in a movie.  =)  I liked this bit - very well done, very Jay-like.

HIROSHI: (Nods) Yep. every since he blew off the college

"Yep. Ever since..."

He's callin' himself the Blue Thunder of the Galleria now,

Hehehe.   Nice blending of the mythos there.  I can totally see that. =)

AKANE: (sighing) Ranma, the only reason I might have any of those
things is because you left them at my house.

<chortle>

When you asked me to do a striptease to the theme
from "Sailor Moon", once again, nothing more than
a malleting...

Hehehehe.  This also I'd pay good money to see.  =)

After a few minutes, a fuming AKANE storms out of
the cloud, dusting off her hands.

I really liked this Akane-Ranma scene.  Again, an excellent blending of the
mythos.  I can totally see this as a scene in "Mallrats".  Well done.

MOUSSE: (easily) Get her back anytime you want, huh?

RANMA: Shut up.

:D  :D  :D

(DAISUKE is pummelled into insensibility as the six-year old
retrieves his toy, shooting his foe one last redeye as HIROSHI
groans, head in hands.)

Hmm.  This scene did less for me.  It's really not a Kevin Smith kinda
deal - he doesn't go in for slapstick like this.  And it really wasn't that
funny, either.  Way too standard.

NABIKI: No, of course not. That would invalidate my experiment.
The only person who knew about it was Mr. Bizarre Stimuli here.

Hehehehe.

NABIKI: Dream on, Saotome. Besides, your deadbeat father's still
mooching off daddy, and between him and Ryoga,

Capitalize "Daddy"

RANMA: (muffled by chains) Jackie... Chan?

<piku piku>  That it?

Well... I think you have the characterizations down... these *are* Ranma
characters as Kevin Smith would do them.  =)

The problem is that you're not creating enough Kevin Smith-type humor.  Too
much "standard" Ranma stuff.  I would suggest that you add some more
uniquely Askewverse-type stuff.  The description of Ranma and Akane in bed
and the fight between Ranma and Akane in the mall were both spot-on perfect;
I'd like to see a lot more of that kind of stuff.  So far the subplot
involving the game show is very uninteresting.  Perhaps that needs a little
more spicing up.

I wish I could offer more specific suggestions.  One thing Kevin Smith is
good at was taking "standard" situations and making them interesting with
sarcastic humor and / or a non-standard resolution - like the way they
killed the demon in the bar in Dogma, or the way the alarm was triggered in
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Or just do this Clerks-style, with nothing more than a series of really
Kevin Smith-esque conversations.  You did very well with those; I'd say keep
that up and minimize the game show plot and standard Ranma stuff.

Truly, though, I greatly enjoyed the characters you made and look forward to
you completing this.

-Richard


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