At 08:19 PM 10/19/2002 -0700, Andrea Hill wrote:
Please critique this! I want input! I want opinions! I need
encouragement! Just one fan, pleeeeeeease!
Okay, then, for what it's worth...
(First thing: Line lengths. Looks fine on my e-mail program,
but might not on others. You might want to wrap at 72
columns or so.)
The Search for Manhood
By Andrea Hill
[...]
Note: To avoid confusion and hokey new names, Saotome Ranma will be
referred to as follows. Female form = Ranma-chan. Male form =
Ranma-kun. Remember "Ranko" is a GIRL'S name, and Ranma is anything but a
girl, even when he does have breasts.
I assume you're already aware that "-chan" and "-kun" aren't
gender-indicative. A lot of people mistake them as such...
but you do need some way of distinguishing between the
two. "Male Ranma" and "female Ranma" (or, if you must
use Japanese, "otoko-Ranma" and "onna-Ranma") might
work better.
It was one of those hot, humid nights that made everything he touched
stick to his skin. The sheets he slept on would adhere like Velcro, and
the light cotton sheet he started out sleeping under grew to feel like a
wool blanket heaped atop him. It was the kind of night that made falling
asleep hard to do, and invariably gave anyone a headache upon finally
awakening. The fact that the night was so uncomfortable was not helped at
all by the large, densely furred panda snoring next to him. Well,
panting, anyway. Ranma finally gave up trying to fall asleep in the close
atmosphere of the guest bedroom that he and his father had been
inhabiting, and left in disgust, escaping the confines of the house
through the window.
This is a good opening. You set the scene evocatively,
you get right to the story without wasting a lot of time,
and your command of language is fairly strong. (I'd
change the "anyone" in the third sentence to "him",
though, just to be more precise and to agree with the
focus of the rest of the paragraph. That, and densely-
furred should probably be hyphenated.) In fact, you
write well throughout, technically speaking.
Outside, it was not much better. The slight breeze blew in just as hot as
the rest of the air, giving no respite to feverish cheeks. Ranma settled
himself down on top of the roof, peeled off his shirt and laid it out
between the tiles and the bare skin of his back. Exposed thus to the
stars he finally fell asleep.
From the ground you could see the soles of his feet, toes pointing to the
heavens. The big toe on his right foot twitched once, scaring away a fat
green fly that had landed there.
Don't like the sudden shift to second person in the
first sentence. I'd eliminate that. There's no reason
to address the reader, in this story.
A small form pushed itself from the ground to the roof, but the grunt that
issued forth upon landing was almost silent. It carried with it an
incense brazier and a small cone of black. This it placed in the brass
holder upwind from the sleeping boy, and lit the tip of it with a
match. The cone caught fire and blazed for a second, before being blown
out by the hot breeze. The tip continued to glow like the ember it was,
and the figure sat on its haunches and waited for the wisp of smoke
emitted by the cone of incense to take effect.
I think "a small black cone" would be better phrasing.
Or "a brazier and a small cone of black incense."
It was not disappointed. In mere moments, a buxom red haired girl lay on
the roof, and much to the small figure's delight, she was naked. The
sight of so much bare flesh was too much for the diminutive figure, and it
leapt at the girl with a shout of joy.
red-haired [...] roof, and, much to....
"SWEET-O!" the clarion call resounded through the night. It was followed
a short second later by a feminine scream of disgust and rage, and then
the sound of something small flying through the air at high velocity.
And then�
"NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Very nice place for a scene break, too. ^_^
She craned her neck to look up at the spot on the roof where Ranma usually
tried to get some peaceful sleep. Her family joined her in a moment,
bleary eyed, hair rumpled, yawning ferociously. Kasumi placed a soft hand
on her youngest sister's shoulder. "Akane, what's going on?"
bleary-eyed
The first thing that you noticed about the restaurant upon walking in was
the smell of exotic spices. It swirled through the nose like heavy, dark
orange koi slid through water. The second thing you noticed, after your
eyes adjusted to the dimmer lighting, was the color red. It dominated
everywhere - in geometric designs woven into the carpeting, in large
panels on the walls, and on the thick pillars that stood sentry in the
corners. After that, one usually noticed the lavender-haired waitress
bouncing cheerily throughout the establishment, catching bowls full of
soup or noodles and placing them before customers without spilling
anything. If one cared to pull one's eyes from the ample bosom of the
cheery waitress to find the source of the flying delicacies, one would
then discover a wizened old woman perched like some sort of human cross
between a vulture and a preying mantis over bubbling kettles of food.
Again, I don't think the second-person works that
well.
It was directly to the wrinkled crone that Nabiki Tendo headed, her face
and body language determined. As she approached, Cologne let herself
dwell on the pitiable fact that Nabiki Tendo had no warrior skills. Those
would, if combined with her razor-sharp intelligence and observant nature,
be skills well worth considering recruiting into the Amazon tribe. For a
second, the elder weighed the possibility of making the offer
anyway. After all, a strong woman was a worthy one, and physical
attributes aside Nabiki Tendo was as strong as they came.
The sharp-faced girl slapped something contained in a zip-locked plastic
bag onto the counter. "What can you tell me about this?"
There was an understanding between the two of them. In return for
tutoring in Chinese and information on any artifact, herb, or curse that
Nabiki could bring before her, Cologne received accurate information on
the state of Ranma Saotome's relationship with Nabiki's younger sister
Akane. This included any activities the two were participating in
together, whether of their own making or those forced upon them by others.
Cologne peered intently at the black cone of incense contained in the
bag. It had crumbled just a little bit, but looked mainly like charcoal.
"It's incense." She replied.
Nabiki just raised an eyebrow at her. "I know that, elder. But what I
don't know is how it does what it does, and what we can do to reverse the
effects."
Cologne picked up the bag, opened it, and whiffed the scent
tentatively. Her eyes widened momentarily, and then she began to grind
her teeth. "Where did you get this, child?!" She was so livid that her
face was actually pinking up from the ghastly pale color that it usually was.
"Happosai paid us a visit last night."
"Oh, no�" Cologne breathed.
"What?!" Nabiki's grip on the edge of the counter tightened. Her face
became smooth and utterly unreadable.
"This is� it's a curse divider."
"It's not the same stuff he used on Ranma before, is it? Last time that
happened the female Ranma that came out was some kind of vampire. This time -"
"This time she's not evil. She has all of the memories, personality
traits and flaws, feelings and abilities that the male Ranma does. They
are essentially the same person in two bodies - cursed, and not cursed.
"It is a tool we use only in time of great need. In the past when
warriors were needed for the tribe this incense was used. Men were sent
to the Spring of Drowned Woman, and the curse would be divided. This
should never have gotten into the hands of that letch! It was locked in a
safe and hidden. I am the only one that knows where it is and how to
enter it. I don't know how Happosai found it." Her eyes narrowed. "We
will have words."
Nabiki nearly shivered at the intensely cold gaze the old woman leveled at
the incense in her weathered old palm. She did not want to be Happosai
when Cologne caught up to him. "So how can we reverse this? Ranma-kun
couldn't be happier about it, but Ranma-chan is about to have a nervous
breakdown. She was so agitated we had to have Genma knock her out."
A long moment of silence passed before Cologne looked up at the girl. "I
think I should break the news in person."
You're skipping back and forth between Nabiki's
and Cologne's internal thoughts here. It's a valid
device, for an omniscient narrator, but it's often
stronger to use limited omniscience, staying
"inside" only a single character per scene. That
way, you have to show the other characters'
thoughts through their words and actions, rather
than just telling.
I mention this because it seems to me that you
often delve into characters' internal thoughts as
a sort of shortcut -- you're telling instead of
showing. That makes your writing less effective
than it could be. It's not a horrible problem,
because your writing itself is pretty strong, but
I suspect if you were to switch to limited
omniscience, you would find that your scenes
benefit in terms of flow and unity.
"Mmm," her father hummed. "She's right. As good a fortune as this may be
for you, boy, Ran�ma�ko? Er, Ranma-chan, here, is probably in Hell. It
is our responsibility to find a way to make herrrrr, er, him? Er, make
�him� feel better about his situation." He sweated a little at the
confusing gender crisis before him. In the long run he decided that
female body or no, Ranma Saotome was still himself, and thoroughly a young man.
"Indeed," Genma nodded at his old friend. "What better way to do that
than have a celebration?" He smacked a fist into his palm. "In fact,
what better excuse for a celebration than for you and Akane to�"
Soun chimed in and the two finished the sentence in harmony. "GET MARRIED!"
Nodoka Saotome leveled a chilling glare at her husband while Kasumi
frowned slightly at her father. Akane rolled up one sleeve in preparation
for an awesome punch, and Ranma-kun was already drawing back his fist.
Soun and Genma wisely decided to leave the room.
This is really the only part the fathers play in the fic,
and the joke isn't that funny -- Ranma fic readers have
seen it a million times before. I'd either find some way
of expanding the fathers' roles so that they become
relevant characters, or cut them from the story
completely, because right now, they don't add
anything.
It was then that Ranma-chan decided to wake up. He bolted from his prone
position into a sitting one; the thick, bright red rope of his pigtail
whipping about to settle heavily over his shoulder. The end of it made a
small curl that lay just above the swell of his breast. Akane squirmed
uncomfortably at the realization, for the millionth time, of just how
unconsciously female Ranma was in this body. She still thought of him as
a man, and knew that whatever he looked like he could be nothing
but. Still, there were times when he would hold his head or his hands in
a certain way, or shift the weight of his body that for a fleeting moment
made it seem as if a whole and natural girl was there.
The first face that he saw was Akane's, and for a moment nothing but stark
panic was evident in his expression. Then his eyes caught sight of his
mother and his face smoothed until he looked only minimally
concerned. For a moment, Ranma-kun was shocked to see the
transformation. Was he so uncomfortable around his own mother that he was
afraid to show his true emotions to her? The image of a brightly polished
and expertly sharpened katana flashed through his mind and he repressed a
shudder. Yes, he was.
Here's another example of that shifting internal
viewpoint I mentioned earlier. This one, I found
more distracting -- maybe because of its
proximity.
Ranma-kun's wet washcloth decided to take that moment and drip onto the
polished wood floor. Ranma-chan turned her head and looked squarely into
the face of his rightful body. His shoulders sagged, and he sighed. "So,
it's true then. I really am stuck like this."
take that moment to drip...
It wasn't long before Cologne and Nabiki showed up, faces grim on both of
them.
The part after the comma just sounds ugly. I'd rephrase:
It wasn't long before Cologne and Nabiki showed up,
each wearing a grim expression.
Both of the Ranma's stood up anxiously at the crone's arrival and said in
unison "So can you fix this?"
Ranmas. You want plural, not possessive. Also,
comma after unison. Perhaps after said, as well,
but that one's more a matter of taste.
Hmm. There are a couple more minor grammar
issues, mostly dealing with comma placement.
Another proofreading, preferably out loud, will
probably show you those, though, so I'll cut a
bit...
"All this time," Nabiki continued, "With everything she's tried, Shampoo
is no closer to being Ranma's wife than you are. But if the whole purpose
of the law is to gain strength for the Amazons, why don't you try to gain
him and all of the power he represents as allies?"
Lowercase w in the first sentence. And that last part
needs rephrasing. I'd try:
...Why don't you try to make him -- and all of the power
he represents -- your ally?
Cologne let herself blink. " 'All of the power he represents'?" she asked.
"Ranma stands to inherit this dojo. A million yen says that he and Akane
have at least three kids. Ranma is related to or friends with, let's
see," she began counting off on her fingers. "Genma, Soun, Ryoga, Ukyo,
Tofu, Karumi, Natsume� at least a dozen very powerful martial artists.
Kurumi.
Everyone in the room was staring open-mouthed at Nabiki (Except for Kasumi
and Nodoka, who merely placed their finger-tips to their lips and widened
their eyes in an expression of shock). Ranma-kun blinked rapidly and
asked "How long have you been thinking about this?"
No need to capitalize the parenthetical.
Was it fair to subject her to a husband that would always be less then a
full man? How would their children turn out, having a father who was a
woman half the time? Who would they call mother? Here was his best
chance to make her happy, to help her be that much closer to a normal life.
A normal life� for Akane.
Heh. Yeah, right. ^_^
I'll buy it as a line of thought, though.
A part of her ached for him, shared in his sorrow. In her hard life, the
rejection she'd gone through from her friends, her father, her
schoolmates, Ukyo had come to know sorrow intimately. She'd learned to
use it as fuel, and turned some of the feelings of rejection into
anger. This dark, simmering anger had driven her to practice the
specialized martial art of her family for all of her formative years. In
her village no one could touch her, and she'd liked it that way. It gave
her more time to brood about the revenge she would exact on the cause of
all of her suffering - Genma Saotome and his son Ranma, the fianc� who had
rejected her.
After she had tracked the wandering pair to Nerima and spent some of her
earnings to travel there, she'd discovered that despite her years of hard
training she was not Ranma's equal in martial ability - not by half. To
continue to try to kill or maim or even touch him would be fruitless and
stupid. So after he told her that she was cute a new plan formed - She
would make him fall in love with her, and she would ultimately reject him,
thus subjecting him to the pain she'd experienced for most of her life.
But it hadn't worked out that way. The hate she fostered for him, nursing
in her darkest hours and making a part of her, had turned to honest
friendship. She had resided in Nerima for less than two months before
Kuonji Ukyo came to terms with something that would change her life
forever. She was head over heels in love with Ranma Saotome.
And it was half that time that before she realized that Ranma Saotome was
in love with another woman.
Akane was mean to him. She yelled, hit him, spurned him and didn't trust
him. She repeatedly denied that she loved him. She was engaged to him
through a pact made by their two fathers that proceeded even hers in timeline.
Nabiki had told her everything that happened to Ranma before Ukyo had
arrived on the scene, including a recap of his arrival in Nerima. She had
been detailed, and honest, and after she'd walked away with her payment
Ukyo was left to stew over that fact that Ranma had seen Akane naked and
had� reacted�
So Ukyo was left with trying underhanded ways of getting her Ran-chan to
see that Akane was all wrong for him. After all, they were only
sixteen. It wouldn't be too long before he realized that his infatuation
with the Tendo girl was silly. Then he would turn to his oldest friend -
her, Ukyou Kuonji, and he would realize what a terrific girl she'd been
all that time, and he would fall in love with her. Then Akane would end
up with Ryoga, or something, Kodachi would be committed to an
asylum. Those Chinese gaijin would go back to China where they belonged,
and everyone would be happy.
So, even though Ranma was obviously in great distress at the moment, a
small part of Ukyo rejoiced. She knew that one of the only things that
could make him so distraught would be some kind of breaking away from
Akane. If anyone in his family had been injured he wouldn't be here, he
would be with the Tendos or in the hospital. The fact that he was here
meant that this was her big chance to make her move.
I'm not sure you need all of this. You definitely want the
last paragraph and at least the first sentence of the
first. But I think you may be doing a little too much
recapping here, and you risk losing the flow. You may
be able to cut some of this chunk.
Then again, maybe not. It's a thought, anyway.
"Then let's leave! I can't see them again. I have to disappear." His
eyes were desperate. "We could move the restaurant deeper into
Tokyo. They'd never find us there! I would be a waitress for you - you
know how much money I can bring in when I do that. We could make a killing."
Ukyo sat back on her heels, trying to ignore the discomfort in her knees,
absorbing the magnitude of all he'd told her. He was asking her to go
away with him, where all of their old friends and enemies would never find
them again, and start a new life together. Ukyo had only dreamed of this
contingency� but moving was a huge step. Just finding a restaurant that
they could use at a reasonable price would be a miracle by
itself. Perhaps if she had Tsubasa run the U-Chan and send her the extra
money after the bills and his salary had been paid, they wouldn't have to
completely drain the nest egg she'd been saving� Her cousin had mentioned
something about her friend leaving for a scholarship in Germany for the
summer. Supposedly she hadn't found any acceptable boarders for her
one-bedroom apartment�
Konatsu. Tsubasa is the cross-dresser with the
costumes who only shows up once (in the manga).
Konatsu is the cross-dresser who's a ninja, who
ends up working at Ukyou's restaurant.
An hour and a half later it was done. Ukyo called up her cousin and asked
her if her friend's apartment was still open for the summer. It was, at a
rental price that sent Ukyo's eyebrows climbing - but at least it wouldn't
require the twelve month deposit that some places did. The girl had
planned to leave the very next morning, and there was even an American
food joint nearby that was advertising for waiters. If they got there
soon they were bound to get a job.
This is all awfully convenient. If you're planning
future chapters and it's a plot point, that's fine. If
not, then you might want to at least cut the part
about the jobs, since it's not utterly necessary and
its absence would make the situation a little
easier to accept as coincidence.
He blinked a couple of times. "Well, yeah. That's exactly it." Relief
passed over his face. "You know, I was kinda afraid that you'd be really
upset and toss me out on my ear."
Ukyo passed the back of her wrist over her eyes and cheeks, wiping away
the tears and their tracks. "Hey, I wouldn't do that to you in your
greatest time of need. I mean, what are pals for?" She forced a smile
onto her face. It felt stiff and fake. If all he wanted right now was a
friend, then she would be the best friend he ever had, and if later he
needed something more, then she would be that, too. To Ukyo it was a
failure, but she saw hope in her situation, and right now it was all she
had. She clung to it desperately.
After that the silence was awkward, and they both turned to the window of
the nearly-deserted train car that they were in to watch the city whip
past them.
Heh. You know, if it were me, I'd be tempted to
end the fic right there. Good stuff.
'Course, it's not half bad as a chapter close,
either. ^_-
The apartment building was a twenty story gray affair, about fifteen years
old. It had been built as a student housing option for the nearby
graduate school of Tsunayimatsu, of which Aoi's friend Ami attended. They
were buzzed in by a sleepy landlady who wanted to know why they were
arriving so early in the morning. Ukyo made some excuse about cheaper
travel at odd times, and the landlady nodded and introduced herself as
Mrs. Kobiyashi. They were, she informed them, to keep noise levels at an
absolute minimum. She didn't want to hear any of that obnoxious new rock
music, or any of that gaijin crap from America. If anyone else moved in
he or she would have to pay their own rent. She expected them to keep a
clean place, too. If they ever attracted mice or so help her roaches�
Mrs. Kobiyashi trailed off and only glared at them menacingly.
...his or her own rent.
Nice job of establishing the landlady's character in
just a couple of paragraphs.
"You're a martial artist, aren't you?" He asked bluntly.
Ami smile at him. "Why yes I am, and so are you, am I correct?"
"Yeah," Ranma said. "I'm the heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes
Martial Arts. What do you study?"
"Oh," Ami set her cup down and folded her hands in her lap. "A little of
this, a little of that. Most of what I know is self-taught."
This intrigued Ranma to no end. "Really? I've never heard of that,
before. You hold yourself so well I thought for sure that you were at
least a black belt in something. You must have been in a lot of fights to
learn how to fight so well without a sensei." Then he realized how rude
he'd been and blushed. "Er, sorry."
Ami flapped a hand in a dismissive gesture. "Oh, don't be. You're right,
I have been in a lot of fights. But, not any more. At this point in my
life the future is secure and I don't have to do it. I suppose that if I
had to I could still throw a mean punch, but� well, it was all a long time
ago."
Is this at all important to the fanfic? It doesn't appear
to be, and if it's not, then it probably shouldn't be
included.
He choked back the tears, amazed that he could still cry after all the
weeping he'd already done. He quietly cleared his voice and called back
to his childhood friend. "Yeah, Ukyo, I'll be right in."
A good chapter ending. If you weren't planning more,
though, then I think you'd be better off cutting this
chapter, which doesn't add much to the story, and
just using the first two -- that'd be a stronger ending.
(However, as I read it, it suggests that you do plan
more, so... yeah.)
Anyway, hope this helps a little, and you've done
a good job so far.
Scott Schimmel * http://schimmel.sandwich.net
* Ex ignorantia ad sapientium; ex luce ad tenebras *
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa
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