As before, I've omitted a lot of explanations that were given in
previous C&C, thereby making room for more quips. :)

Allyn Yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:

Garry Kleppe, Prince of the Punctuation Pixies,
and Grandee of the Grammar Gnomes for
taking a LOT of time with my stories.

HIROSHI: Is this something like a "slowest C&Cer" award?

GARY: As the bumper sticker says, guys, "I may be slow, but I'm ahead of
you."

     "Pop! If you've gotten stinkin' again I'm gonna put
vinegar in your hip-flask!" A heavy hand came down on his
shoulder from out of nowhere and he jumped in shock.

Suggest making that last line a separate paragraph.

     "DAMMIT ya old fart! Don't DO that."

"DAMMIT, ya

     "You're getting sloppy boy." Genma chuckled, his

sloppy, boy."

     "What do ya know about a monk, dressed sorta like a
Yamabushi. Fights dirty. Blade concealed in his staff, breathes

Shouldn't there be a question mark?

     "This man is obviously a powerful adept of the
Shugendo order."

     "Which means, what _exactly_?"

GENMA: It's simple. Shu comes first, followed by gen, and do is last.

RANMA: That's the Shugendo order?

GENMA: Exactly.

     "That ain't gonna happen Pop. Remember th' First

happen, Pop.

     "Oh, hello Ranko-san." Kasumi smiled tiredly at the

hello, Ranko-san."

     "Kodachi." Kasumi said tiredly. "She's serenading

"Kodachi," Kasumi

              *Foy porter, honneur garder* "I want to stay
faithful, guard your honor," Kodachi popped through the

honor." Kodachi

     *Et pais querir, oubeir, doubter, servir, et honnourer*
"Seek peace, obey, fear, serve and honor you." With a
flourish, Kodachi produced a single, perfect silver-rose and
presented it to Kasumi on bended knee as she translated.

If she's saying both the French and the Japlish, the former should also
be inside the quotes.

          *Vous vueil jusques au morir Dame sans per.* "Until
death, Peerless Lady!"

peerless lady!"
(presumably intended as a description, not a name, so don't capitalize)

     "That's very nice, Kodachi." Kasumi took the rose
and placed it in a crystal vase, where it joined a score of it's

of its

     "Leave!" Kodachi looked horrified. "Nay, gentle lady.

"Leave?!"

     "That's wonderful, Ko-chan," Nabiki came down the

Ko-chan." Nabiki

stairs, knuckling sleep from her eyes. But it's our Saturday

eyes. "But

off. Why don't you try giving your life's blood _quietly_." A

_quietly?_"

thought came to her as she shambled across the floor to the
coffee pot. "I think it would be romantic if you slept across
Kasumi's threshold, just like a faithful and courageous guard-
dog."

KODACHI: No, no, I'm quite sure the dog thing is somebody else's schtick
here.

NABIKI: Don't look at me.

AKANE: Well, it isn't mine, even though I got stuck with it last
chapter.

     "If you're lookin' for Akane, she's out in the doujou,
finishing up her workout before we go." Nabiki remarked,

go," Nabiki

     "He . . .uhhh . . .he thought it might be better to stay
away for a while. At least as long as that crazy monk is
running lose. Ranma was afraid the guy might come here

loose.

     "Sure, why not?" Nabiki put her mug on the counter
and started rummaging through the refrigerator "Everyone

refrigerator. "Everyone

else in Japan seems to be staying here. We'll just add some

RANKO: Really?

NABIKI: Sure. Three self-insert characters just this week.

     "So," Nabiki sipped her coffee while Ranko drank her

"So." Nabiki

juice and nibbled on a roll Nabiki had given her. "are you and

"Are

my sister lovers yet?"

RANKO: Which sister?

NABBY: Pick one.

     "I take it that's a no?" Nabiki sighed. "It would do her
a world of good to get laid. Maybe she wouldn't be so intense
all the time. You're kind of cute," she eyed Ranko up and

cute." She

down, until the smaller girl blushed. "and she wouldn't have

"And

     "Gaaaak!" Ranko started another coughing fit, which
Nabiki ignored, munching on a cold rice-ball. "Oh well, I
guess I'll wait until Ranma get's back and see if he's got the

gets

     "Delivery for Saotome Genma, care of Tendou
Souun."

     Kasumi's lips tightened slightly as the sound of _his_
name.

KASUMI: Have I mentioned yet how evil--

EVERYBODY ELSE: YES!!

If it had been for Ranma . . .with only a slight hesitation

?? Did you mean 'If it hadn't been'?

     "I'm sorry, there's nothing until the ferry leaves
tomorrow." The woman looked up from her schedule book.
 "I can check the airline schedules for you." She offered.

you," she

      A plane ticket would practically exhaust  his cash.
_If_ Ranma or Genma were back in Nerima, as he suspected,

or Genma was
(one or the other means it's in the singular. You'd use "were" even in
the singular if you were talking about a hypothetical, but definitely
false, situation. "If I were you...." This is a *possibly* true
hypothesis.

     Ukyou hissed in frustration. It hadn't taken him long
to realize he couldn't possibly search the Norwegian Wind,
before the cruise ship reached Hong Kong. He'd spent an
agonizing time, before deciding to leave the ship when it
docked.

UKYO: And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown. So I lit a
fire....

     Twice before, when he'd gone to the Tendou's Ranma

Tendous', Ranma

     Ukyou pressed a hand to his throbbing temples.
Trying to think like a Saotome was like trying to teach a pig
to sing.

Um.... that's not a very self-complimentary analogy there, Ucchan. ^_^;;

     Shaking his head Ukyou handed her money for a boat
ticket. "No, tomorrow's ferry  will be fine." Better to lose
the couple of days it would take him to get to  Osaka on the
International Ferry,than lose a month or more if he were mistaken
and had to find work to rebuild his finances.  If he'd made a mistake,
it wouldn't take long to find out. But if there _was_ something holding
Genma in  Nerima . . .

Buncha spacing problems in this paragraph.

     Turning his collar against the rain Ukyou walked out

rain, Ukyou

     Arriving at the tiny clap-board Guest House Ukyou

guest house, Ukyou

     "Senpai is resting." The shorter of the three Seiki-Juka

resting," the

JOHN CLEESE: All right, if 'e's restin', I'll wake 'im up! HELLO, POLLY!
*bam* *bam* *bam*

     Wordlessly the stranger extended a small pasteboard
rectangle, it's pristine whiteness broken only by an embossed

its

cherry-blossom.

cherry blossom.

     Daisuke's eyes widened in alarm. "It is an honor to
have a visitor from 'The Society of Patriotism'," he began,
"but senpai is sleeping now. If you could please come
 back----"

 ^^
Take out extra space.

     "Open the door." the stranger rumbled with quiet

door," the
(if he's rumbling the words "Open the door")
(or)
door. "The
(if he's just rumbling)

     "Kunou-san," the big man wiped his balding head with

"Kunou-san." The

the silk-handkerchief he'd used to open the door. "I have

silk handkerchief

     This girl stuff was gettin' complicated. Onna-Ranma

I'd suggest reserving the fractured words for actual spoken speech.
Presumably he *thinks* "getting" even if he *says* "gettin'".

     But,  bein' a girl was starting to weird him out. He
could see things, hear things, that he didn't see or hear as a
guy.

AKANE: Like those high-pitched whistles?

RANMA: No way. It's not my schtick either.

Food tasted different, even the clothes he wore _felt_
different if he was a girl, than if he was guy. He flexed his
fingers, shivering as the slender alien  - - _female_ - - digits
moved at his command.  He was increasingly uncomfortable
in his own skin-----

     *Wasn't there some Rocky-Road in the freezer?*

Um, I'm pretty sure the bit about him not eating ice cream as a guy is
just fanfic cliche.

     *Some Pocky would hit the spot.*

GUIDE: Oh, sir, you fall in spring of drowned female anime otaku.

RANMA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

GUIDE: Very tragic story.

     Trying to distract himself, Onna-Ranma watched
Akane workout with a 'wooden man', and had to fight an

Akane work out with
(or)
Akane's workout with

     *The big double fudge Pocky, . . .*

I don't think "pocky" and "big" go together. :)

     This whole thing was getting just a little out of hand.
Normally he didn't have any trouble staying in character
during a con, this girl-stuff was more difficult than any scam

con, but this
(or something like that; need a connector)

     Eyes tight with a building headache, Ranko slid her
unread books aside and started wandering around the edges
of the doujou, idly playing with various bits of exercise
equipment. Spying a coiled piece of steel she picked it up and
turned it around in her hands. Finally Ranko took one of the
knurled grips in each hand, pushing back and forth,
experimentally. Getting a glimmering of it's use, she tried to

its

     He _really_ hated how weak Ranko was compared to
Ranma.  Being faster and more flexible didn't make up for
being weak like a _girl_!

Is he even faster? Didn't seem to help much in his first fight against
Mousse, and male Ranma is already pretty darn fast.

     "Thanks." Akane grabbed the coil one handed.

one-handed.

     Not very fast on her feet or maneuverable. That made

Technically this "or" should be "nor" but you may want to leave it as is
to keep it informal.

     Shuddering Onna-Ranma quickly pushed that image

Shuddering,

     And broken bones would definitely put a damper on
the whole marriage thing. On the other hand, Akane wouldn't
respect a guy who couldn't at least hold his own against her.
Onna-Ranma didn't have any doubt Ranma could beat Akane
to pieces in an all-out fight. Male, he was faster with more

RANMA: Above, you said I was faster as a female. CONTINUITY!

AKANE: I think he meant faster than I am.

RANMA: Oh. [flushes embarrassed]

     It would be Ranma's speed and technique against
brute force and stubbornness. He'd have to accept that he'd
get hurt, take some punishment and hold on. No matter how
Akane struggled, if he had the endurance, he could hold her.
He would have to grapple, force her to submit. Hold tight to
her flushed, sweat slick skin - -

sweat-slick

     Ranko felt an electric shock as the material of her silk
shirt suddenly rasped like sandpaper against a too sensitive

too-sensitive

Good scene here, but dragged on way too long, IMO. It's very interesting
to learn that Ranma can take such a mercenary attitude towards Akane,
but you could've showed as much in much less space.

     Nabiki's fingers flicked rapidly over her abacas,

abacus,

totaling up figures in a ledger. "Okay, I think that does it."
Counting out bills and coins she paid off her assistants. "I've
got a line on some refurbished machines that may come on the
market at the end of the week." There were signs of interest
all around at that. "There may even be a few  of last years

year's

Delphi, the all electronic one."

all-electronic

ASSISTANT #1: Compuserve? Bleh.

     Soft whistles and eager looks greeted that
announcement.

     "So, who get's 'em boss?" Noriko looked around at

gets 'em, boss?"

     "Ladies, ladies," Nabiki held up a hand to still the

ladies."

babble. "I've made up an information packet on all I know
about these units," she passed sealed envelops down the table.

units." She

     She waited for that to sink in. An unused machine was
a dead loss, especially since they would still have to pay rent
on space for the machine, even if no one ever used it. "You
know your areas best," she continued, "so I'll want a written
proposal from each of you on the risk benefits of using the

risk-benefits

     "No hurry," Nabiki smiled as she watched various

hurry."

thoughts chase around inside her helpers heads. "The

helpers'

The pachinko scene didn't interest me at all, really. Okay, it gives us
a glimpse into Nabsy's life in this continuity that we haven't had up
until now, but other than that, it frankly seemed like a case of
throwing in information just because you went through the trouble of
researching it. :)

     "Kunou-senpai has left. No one knows where he
went," she hastened to answer Nabiki's next question. "he

question. "He

just left in the middle of the night, without even checking
out."

     "I called the hospital today, and they just said he was
improving," Nabiki murmured, wheels turning furiously as she
tried to figure out what this meant.

NORI: It means he's not in the hospital any more.

NABI: Besides that.

     "Thanks," Nabiki watched the other girl leave the

"Thanks."

     Kunou didn't scare Akane, because she was too naive
to see what a bastard he was. And, Nabiki admitted, because
Akane could twist the head off a water-buffalo with her bare

water buffalo

hands.

KUNO: Which just goes to show how foolishly misguided her thinking is,
for I am not a water buffalo!

HIROSHI: Sir, watch out for that....

** SPLOOSH **

GUIDE: Oh. Shuiniuniquan. Very tragic story.

      She'd become so terrified of falling, it had been a year
before she'd even walk up the stairs to her room, instead
sleeping on a futon in the family room. She'd gradually
gotten better - - better at least at hiding her fear - -  but the
thought of hitting someone, of _getting_ hit, or thrown,
nauseated her. Nabiki never been able to understand how
Akane could spar with  broken bones or keep on training

AKANE: Because broken bones are actually easy to defeat.

NABIKI: That's obviously not what I meant....

     Regardless of what Noriko thought,  Kunou _did_
scare her. Ukyou too, she thought, shuddering as she recalled

UKYO: No, Kuno doesn't particularly scare me.

NABIKI: Et tu?

      Shaking off her morbid reflections she tried to
imagine what could be going on. Kunou wasn't supposed to
leave the hospital for another  week. Why make her think
Kunou was still in the hospital when she called? She couldn't
imagine what had led, or driven, Kunou to leave the hospital

KUNO: The Kuno family chauffeur, of course.

     Almost within sight of the Kunou estate she was
literally snatched off her feet as she passed behind a concrete
berm, left over from a make-work flood-control project.

You might want to mention something about her walking outside at the
beginning of all this introspection. For all I knew, she was still in
her meeting room for all this.

I really liked this look into Nabsy's secret fears and the vulnerability
she's displaying here. Even if the ending (of the scene, and of the
posted set of chapters) undermines it a bit. Hopefully all of this will
still be an issue for her in chapters to come.

     "Ukyou?" she croaked, looking at the face twisted in a
killing rage.*oh shit.* She felt her bones turn to jelly and she

rage. *Oh shit.*

     "If I knew . . ."  A cold shudder wracked Nabiki as
she tried to curl into a ball, *Damn you Ranma. This is all

ball.

you, Ranma.

your fault.*

     "If I knew were Genma was," Nabiki shivered as she

was--"
(or)
was..."

felt Ukyou's hands on her. " I'd tell you" She clenched her

"I'd

you."

teeth, trying not to vomit.*Please don't hit me. Please don't

vomit. *Please

     "I don't trust you," Ukyou grated. "You all lied to me
last time, helped that fat bastard and his son get away," his

away." His

      Nabiki's left hand snaked behind Ukyou's head and
pulled, while her right hand skimmed upward along his chest
and rammed, stiff fingered, into his eyes. Ukyou fell back with
a scream clawing at his face. His screams were cut off

NABIKI: Stooge-fu. Works every time! Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

     "It's not any problem," Akane finished making up the
spare bed and plumped the pillow. "especially with that
Ukyou running lose." She beat a clenched fist against her
thigh in frustration, remembering the bruises on Nabiki's arms
and shoulders. If she ever caught that guy, she was going to--
-- 

When I first hit reply, my mail client cut the message off here.
Evidently "--" on a line by itself can get interpreted as some sort of
section terminator. You may wanna pull all four hyphens together on one
line in case it's not just me.

     A shudder passed through her body and Akane made
herself  relax. She had to be careful of her temper."I'm fine,"

temper. "I'm fine."

     "N . . nothing," Ranko bit her pillow to stifle a sob.

nothing." Ranko

     "Y . . .you'll think I'm silly," Ranko buried her head in

silly."

     "mn scrd uko gt m" Ranko mumbled into her pillow.

m,"

     "I've got an idea," She gently pulled the girl free and

idea."

sat her on the bed. Grabbing the frame she heaved, lifting bed,
Ranko and all, to shove them up against her own bed. "Scoot
over," She pushed Ranko onto what had been her bed, then

over."

     Sighing, Akane lay back down, but sleep wouldn't
come as her knee began to ache. *Stupid showoff* she

showoff,* she

     "You really should be more careful," Ranko cupped

careful."

Akane's knee in her left hand and began making tiny circles
around the edges with her other hand. "you can cause a

"You

     "I . . .I'm Okay," Akane stuttered, feeling shy and

okay,"

     " 'S a'right,"Akane slurred, voice heavy with sleep.

Take out^this space ^^ and put it here.

     "Well, that's good," Ranko said, shifting her grip so
that she held Akane's leg in both hands, with the thumbs close
together at the top and the fingers underneath. "I'm ever so
ticklish myself," she lied, pulling her thumbs apart briskly,
working her way down the leg, past the knee to the ankle,
then starting at the top again. "my friends all used to gang up

"My

on me at slumber parties and stuff," Onna-Ranma continued

stuff."

ministering the leg while recounting stories 'Ranko' had heard
at Furinkan. "and tickle me until I cried. It was awful." She

"And

     "Where's daddy this morning?" Akane asked as she

Daddy

     "Yes, but the council is arguing about where to put
new recycling bins" Nabiki lied, "and daddy wanted to get

bins,"

Daddy

     By unspoken agreement, over the years she and
Kasumi had conspired to keep the baby of the family ignorant
of how troubled their father really was. It wasn't entirely
unselfish. Watching Akane's unspoiled interaction with
Souun, helped them both pretend they had a happy, normal

Souun helped

     Kasumi's leg healed.

     Akane learned that you didn't microwave whole eggs.

AKANE: Now if I could only figure out how to cut them in half first
without making a mess.

     "Uhhh . . .no, just whatever you want me to do."
Nabiki didn't miss the way Akane had glanced at Ranko
before answering and wished Kasumi were home. Nabiki
thought briefly about calling her, then dismissed it. The
Tendou finances didn't come close to covering medical
school, and Kasumi's scholarship depended on how well she
did on her exams. And how well she did, depended on peace

did depended

     "Ummm, books. Mostly." Akane muttered.

books. Mostly,"
(or)
books, mostly,"

     "Uhhh, just a little . . .lead." Akane, said the last

Akane said

almost inaudibly, reaching for the sack in Ranko's hand, only
to have her drop it out of reach.

     "Why do you have lead in your book-bag?" Ranko
asked mildly.

AKANE: It wouldn't fit in my purse.

     "Training?" Akane replied in a small voice.

     "Not until the knee has completely healed." Ranko

healed," Ranko

     "No," Ranko nudged the bag with her foot and it fell

"No."

     "ALL of them," Ranko stopped Akane with a hand on

them."

     Akane bit her lip and removed another ten kilograms

>from a vest under her shirt and added it to the formidable pile

that surrounded her book-bag.

book bag.

     "You need a keeper." Ranko berated as they finally

keeper,"

headed out the door.

AKANE: Good idea.

RANMA: It is?

AKANE: Of course. A keeper would weigh at least fifty kilos!

     "I lost it when I used my book-bag to beat off a crazy
man with a giant spatula . . ." ummmm, better stick with the

Ummmm,

hungry dog. A good lie beats a bad truth.

NABS: But if I were to combine the two somehow....

     "You look terrible." Nabiki glanced down at the
school bag he dangled from one finger, keeping a careful
distance." What's this?"

distance. "What's

     "Well, it's certainly refreshing to meet a nice virtuous
boy," Nabiki said blandly. "there are so many ruffians around
these days."

"There

     "Oh, hi Akane!" Nabiki watched her baby sister

hi, Akane!"

     "Ukyou," Akane spat, shrugging off Ranko, who
immediately reattached to her arm like a spider-monkey,
"You're going to be sorry you attacked my sister!"

spider-monkey, "you're
(or)
spider-monkey. "You're

     "I do good work, don't I," Nabiki patted Ukyou on

I."

     "Listen you," Akane took a heavy step forward, "I'm

"Listen, you."

forward. "I'm

     "I dunno," Nabiki said doubtfully, "I think I can do
better."

KUNO: Nabiki Tendo! Come join me in a rousing chorus of our national
anthem!

NABIKI: On the other hand....

As always, an enjoyable read. Onto the next section... eventually....


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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