Gin: Finally getting to this:

Crossing the Line - Chapter 1: Revelations
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic

--------------------------------------------

      "Nothing!"

And so, decideing there was nothing to write about, the fic ended.

      Slamming her hand against the table in front of her, Nodoka
sighed

I don't associate 'sigh'ing with 'slamming' Should probably be something
more active. 'snarled' or something.

as she stared at the various pieces of paper strewn all over.

All over what? The table? Floor?

For the past half-hour she had meticulously gone through the

m, hoping

to have found something

hoping to find (I think)

 which she may have missed earlier.  Coming up

empty-handed, she began to ponder over what

think you can drop 'over'

      So she requested a search for information about the family
background for three of the girls.  Shampoo, because of her Chinese
heritage, was out of the question as far as marriage went -- though if
her son did find the girl appealing, she would consider the possibility
of her son having a mistress.

Shampoo: Is okay. Shampoo was thinking of getting some on the side too.
Ryouga seem good for that. Much endurance, but not really something to keep
in bed for long periods of time.

      All this brought Nodoka back to her current situation.  What lay
before her were its results -- at least, that's what it was supposed to
be.

Nodoka: Kodachi is loaded. I could retire in comfort for most of my life
with my son to take care of me. Oh joyous day.

      Everything she found out with concern to the

awkward. Everything she discovered relating to the Tendous and Kunous

      Out of all the information she had gathered, none of it dealt
with the Kuonjis.  It was as if the family never existed

Obviously they are involved in a government black op. If Nodoka digs too
deep, she might be the one that 'disappears.'

 -- or that

someone wanted it to look that way.

      There were numerous reasons why this happened, none of which
could be proved

proven

unless she got sufficient information.  The last thing

Nodoka wanted to do was jump to conclusions,

Why not? Everyone else in the series does it. Wouldn't be fun, otherwise.

 considering what they

would imply and especially if her assumption ends

ended.

      Hand across her forehead, she sighed.  "Everything would have
been so much better had the wedding been successful.  Then I could have
done this at my own pace."

Then it would have been irrelevent and after the fact. :P

***

      Nabiki listened to the familiar silence from the telephone and
sighed.  It had been close to two weeks since Nodoka had given her the
job of finding out information regarding the Kuonjis; one that she
intended to complete, no matter how long it took or how much it messed
with the rest of her daily schedule.  And at the moment it looked as if
the period in which she had first expected to find out about Ukyou's
family would have to be prolonged.

Awkward as hell. I'd reword it and make it simpler.

      The flat, angry stare Nabiki got in return caused the girl to
shiver in apprehension, momentarily imagining that she would be on the
receiving end of the Saotome family katana because of that comment.  "I
was hoping that you would put your family ahead of any need for
personal gain here,"

Nabiki: I've never done it before. Why should I start now? I'm not marrying
your son so I certainly don't owe you anything.

      In a way Nabiki was telling the truth; her reasons _were_ because
of her family.  More specifically, this was a way to possibly redeem
herself in front of them.

      After her actions during the recent wedding attempt, there was
always a feeling of unease whenever she was around her father or either
of her sisters.  Though none of them said anything upfront

up front

to her,

their displeasure over her role in what took place were expressed
through other, more subtle means.

      Akane had been the most 'vocal' of the three by not talking to
her whenever they were in the same area, most of the time just leaving
so as to avoid her sister.

Should have made Nabby give back all the clothing of Akane she borrowed
(shown in the Nabiki fiancee volume)

  The behavior of both Kasumi and her father

had hurt her the most as they would refer to her in conversations
solely as 'Nabiki', not as 'sister' or 'daughter' and definitely
without the usual warmth in their tone.

      Things that she had barely noticed before, accepting them as an
everyday aspect of life -- those were what affected her the most.

      To again have that feeling -- of being one of the family and not
an outcast who just happens to live in the same house -- that's what
kept Nabiki going, hopeful of finding out something sooner or later.

Interesting motivation. It works here.

      "Speaking.  So did you find anything?  That is why you called,
right?"

      "Yeah.  First of all, will I be paid well for this?"

Silly. Money should have been up front, with information second.

      "Right, sorry about rambling there.  Regarding the Kuonjis, you
might want to write down what I'm going to tell you.  I'll have to
papers sent to you immediately."

      Grabbing a pen and paper, Nabiki began to take note of what was
being dictated over the phone.  As she was writing, her eyes got wider
and her hands began to tremble.

Nabiki: They're wealthy beyond imagination and Ukyou is the sole heir! I
must get some Nannichuan and marry her myself!

***

      Still looking tense, though not as bad as before, Kasumi noted,
Nabiki gave a polite cough, wanting to make sure she got everyone's

she had (avoid using 'got' when you are able)

attention.  Clearing her throat, she said in a calm, though serious
tone, "I called everyone here because I have an important announcement
regarding Ukyou."

Nabiki: She used to be a man.

Kasumi: That's not really a big deal, since Ranma goes back and forth at
will.

      Glancing over at Genma, she noticed that he looked pale.
Concerned, Kasumi asked, "Is everything okay with her?"

      "About Ukyou... well, it's that--"

Eh? He knows?

      "I asked Nabiki to help check out her family's background."
Nodoka shook her head.  "I had been unable to retrieve any information
on the Kuonjis."

      Kasumi had a sudden feeling of anxiety wash over her, body
shivering on impulse.

;'shivering on impulse' seems bulky. I'd ditch it myself.

 'It had to be because of some mistake that they

weren't able to find anything,' she reasoned.  There couldn't be
anything wrong with a girl like her, one who associated with a variety
of people each day.  Someone who their family knew, who's living
quarters she had--

Eh? Kasumi's overreacting a bit here, and making a jump in logic I don't
think she should be able to at this point.

      "Did something come up?" Kasumi got out, hiding the discomfort
she was feeling.

      Breathing deeply, as if she were trying to find an appropriate
way to phrase her reply, Nabiki sighed, saying, "Ukyou Kuonji... is
burakumin."

Akane: My god! You mean all this time she's Jewish and I didn't know it!

Nodoka: Wrong fic. And stop being silly. This is a serious version of the
idea.

      A frown appeared on Kasumi's face as she began to scrub harder.
She found out that doing so lessened the tension felt within her head.

Going with the 'Out damn spot!' bit, aren't you? :)

      "You're wrong, Ukyou-san.

Prolly ought to be 'Kuonji-san' at this point

  Being friendly with others, having

them eat your food, even us sleeping over at your place.  In the end it
doesn't work; it _can't_ work.  Nothing changes and you should have
known that."

      Looking down, Kasumi saw that both hands were pinkish-red.  She
began to wash them again.

Yep. Thought as much.

***

      Disposing of any leftovers that were lying around, Ukyou had
begun to close up Ucchan's for the morning and get ready for school,

prepare for school,

anything today; had to leave earlier than usual today."

      Ukyou frowned at that, flipping the okonomiyaki onto a plate and
handing it to Ranma, who immediately dug in.  "So," she said, changing
the subject, "why'd you not have breakfast before?"

      "Akane decided she wanted to cook today morning,"

this morning (drop today)

he answered

between chews.  Swallowing, Ranma looked up and saw Ukyou staring back
at him, confused.  He shrugged, saying, "Yeah, it did seem strange.  I
have no idea why the tomboy would want to do this so early in the day."

Bit course for Ranma. I'd switch to 'she would want'

      Ukyou nodded before she hurried to finish cleaning up, sighing
contentedly as she did so, a slight hint of red appearing on her face.
So far, it was proving to be the start of a wonderful day.

It shan't last.

      And then there was Ranma.  Her fiance, who could be so naive at
times; would he even realize the implication of what his childhood
friend was?

Ranma; More importantly, would I care. Hmm. Hell yeah! I don't want to be
around human trash like that!

If he went on being friends with Ukyou, as if nothing was

different, what would others think of him?

      Akane sighed.  She cared a lot about Ranma, to the point of
loving him.  And even though she was unable to say it out loud, she
knew it was great enough that she would make sure there was no way he
could get affected by this.

would be affected

      'Plus I'm sure Mrs. Saotome will explain to Ranma about how
serious this is.'

Ranma: (After hearing the revelation) My god! I had no idea she's Jewish!

Nodoka: Stop referencing the wrong fic!

      Remembering Nodoka's reaction, Akane shuddered.  There wasn't any
sort of immediate outburst; she just took one look at her equally-
stunned husband.

Okay. So Genny didn't know. Might also explain why Ukyou's father wanted to
pawn her off so young.

for--"

      "Oh?" Sayuri interjected, hints of a smile forming on her face.
"You should have known better than to try that on the morning of a
school day, Akane.

Why just on a school day?

      "He... he wouldn't do that!" she stated, more to calm herself
than anything.  "Not with her... it wouldn't be right.  It... it...."

Hmm. Seems as though she's going to spill it fast.

      The other two girls looked at each other in surprise.  While they
weren't surprised

Two 'surprise's close together. I'd change one to something else.

      Akane was at a loss with what to do.  During her conversation
with Nabiki, who, strangely enough, was in a good mood, her sister had
suggested that the best course of action would be to have the entire
school notified.

Seems a bit cruel for Nabby. She doesn't benefit from the information.

      It was something she had right away balked at, saying that it
would be a better idea to just inform Ukyou about what they knew and
then ask that she leave.  Even if Ranma would not immediately
understand why his friend was no longer around, there were others
around him who would be more than glad to explain.

True. That approach would be for the best.

      Nabiki had disagreed with Akane's idea, countering that the best
way for him to truly comprehend the significance of it all was to see
it first-hand.  Through that he would realize what associating himself
with Ukyou would do to his honor.

      With Akane still being skeptical about the idea, Nabiki relented,
saying that she would go with whatever choice her sister would make,

Might want to have Akane agree to just not interfere. I can't see her taking
an active role in it if she could get out of it. She's not cruel by nature.

adding that it wouldn't do any good to wait that long for a decision.

      "No, nothing happened," she replied, still unsure as far what she
should do next.

      Guilt flowed through her as she imagined what would happen to
Ukyou should everyone know the truth.

more like 'once everyone knew the truth' since she expects Nabby to go
through with this.

  Images flashed by her, showing a

girl in tattered clothing, her face stricken with tears as she closed a
run-down okonomiyaki shop.  It almost made her wish that there was some
way that their lives could continue without any changes.

      But then the images morphed, showing a girl with a scowl on her
face, anger exuding from her, ready and willing to throw her
okonomiyaki bombs in order to disrupt a wedding.  Those scenes showing
Ukyou's recent actions not only erased any feelings of guilt in Akane's

Hmm. I can buy that wiping out the guilt. It was an important moment Ukyou
helped ruin.

mind but also brought up another question:

      Just how would Ukyou react if she was privately told about her
ancestry and then asked to leave Nerima, and Ranma, behind, with the
threat of it being disclosed to everyone else hanging over her?

      Gulping in some air, Akane made her choice.

Hmm. might want to add 'before she changed her mind, she blurted out' or
some such to show she still has recriminations.

      "It's... Ukyou.  It's not right for her to be around Ranma
because... because she's unclean."

Yuka: So all she needs to do is take a bath.

Akane: No, I mean she's *unclean*

Sayuri: Then she needs to take two.

Akane: I mean she's burakumin.

Yuka: So what?

Sayuri: Yeah, only geriatric traditionalists give a damn about somebody's
ancestors being razzed upon trash collectors.

Akane: Hmm. This one might not have the angst I thought it was going to
have.

Yuka: At least we didn't use that self-indulgent 'You mean she's Jewish'
line again.

^_^

      Cheerfully walking alongside Ranma, both unaware of the
proceedings taking place in the school courtyard, Ukyou smiled inwardly
at the direction the day was heading.

      It was after traversing through the front gates that she began to
sense something was amiss.  The entire area -- it felt quieter

would change to 'area felt'

      "What?"  Distracted from her thoughts, Ukyou then noticed that
there was a huge gap between her and Ranma; a result of him walking
ahead while she had slowed her pace, brooding over possible reasons for
what was occurring.

      "Hurry up, Ucchan!"  Ranma sounded mildly annoyed when he
realized Ukyou wasn't trying to catch up.  Not suspicious over anything
being wrong,

Or just plain used to odd behavior by now.

      "She'll make it to class on time," Akane assured Ranma as they
walked in, not looking back in the process.  She knew her actions might
have seemed strange to him but, considering how reluctant he was to go
inside, it was the only way to get her fiance as far away from Ukyou as
possible, lest others start saying things about him.

Umm. It's a bit late for that.

      Sitting under a large tree, it's

its

      Unsure of what was going on, Ranma stared blankly at his friends.
"What are you two talking about?" he asked, feeling a slight amount of
unease and concern for his friend.  From the sound of it, something had
happened to Ukyou and, judging by the way she was acting this morning,
it wasn't anything good.

      "It's that... she's...."  Hiroshi fumbled with his explanation,
trying to find the right words, before finally saying, "It's impossible
for her to be your fiancee anymore."

Odd thing for him to say.

      Before Ranma could close his eyes, he caught sight of Ukyou,
looking rather worn-out, cautiously approaching him.

***

      Saying that Ukyou's day had not been good would be an
understatement.  Since Ranma had visited her in the morning, it had
turned into a downward spiral -- each circumstance she encountered
making her more confused and worried.

Hmm. No one has openly accused her yet.

      Anger coursed through Ukyou as she whipped out her battle spatula
and prepared to unleash her frustrations on whomever tried to
interfere.  Turning towards them, she shouted, "What did you do that
for?"  Taking a good look at who it was, Ukyou gasped, shocked to the
point that she couldn't start her attack.  Standing over the strewn
okonomiyaki was Akane.

Why shock? They don't always get along.

      As she saw Ranma being taken away from her, Ukyou felt a burning
sensation surrounding her head, which felt more akin to a lead weight,
while her heart began to pound in a fast tempo against her chest.
Bending down in hopes of relieving the pain, she picked up her plate as
well as the okonomiyaki.

      'I'm... sick?  How?  I don't... feel sick.  How would she know
what my condition is or isn't?'

And then Ukyou fell over, dead.

"Looks like Akane was right," Ukyou's spirit admitted as it went up to
Heaven.

      Once done, she raced out towards the Tendou residence, her legs
carrying her as fast as they could.  Every second she waited would be
like those ten years after Ranma and his father left her behind.

Interesting comparison.

      "Yeah, umm... sorry about that," he said sheepishly.  "I don't
know what got into Akane."

Eh? She didn't spell it out for him yet?

      "What's going on, Mom?"

      "Ranma, please _let go_ of that girl.  If you do not, then I will
take care of this nuisance myself."  Nodoka pulled out her katana so as
to emphasize this.

Umm, irate or not, I think Nodoka is fully aware she can't randomly dispatch
burakumin.

      A hand appeared in front of her.  She gingerly clasped her own
around it and was pulled off the floor.  Ukyou was surprised when she
saw it was Ranma who helped her out in complete defiance of his mother.

      Giving her a reassuring look, though it didn't do anything of
that sort, he turned towards the rest of the household, clearly
annoyed.  "Just _why_ is Ucchan being treated like this?"

      No one else spoke up, instead looking at each other, trying to
find out who would explain this to the two teenagers.

Well, Nodoka of all people should be shouting it out.

      "She isn't any longer," Nodoka said, eliciting a gasp from Ukyou.
"Your engagement to Ukyou Kuonji was annulled yesterday.  There will be
no further talk about restoring the honor of a family that doesn't have
any."

Ranma; Then we're going to be dishonored forever?

Nodoka: I was refering to hers.

      "Yes, I know what happened to Ucchan!  It doesn't mean you guys
have to belittle her every time you get!"

      Nodoka's face paled, devoid of any anger.  "Ranma...."

      Sighing, Ranma said, "I... guess I could understand, especially
if everyone got the wrong idea.  But Ucchan was raped and--"

      "Raped?" Ukyou interjected.  "Ranchan, I wasn't raped."

Heh. Well, he was off target with that one.

      No restaurant.

      No okonomiyaki.

      No Ranma.

Yeah. Unless her father implied it, she would be denying it more casually.

      Looking at him through blurry eyes, she tried her best to smile,
something which looked so out of place.  "Don't worry... I can't expect
you or anyone else care about someone like... me.  All I would be doing
is standing in the way with you and Akane.  I'm not worth worrying
over.  I hope you have nice life, Ran... ma.  Goodbye."

      With that Ukyou ran off, trying to get away from the building as
fast as she could.

Methinks Ranma's staying there won't last.

      Nodoka's katana, though, blocked his way.

Nodoka: Darn thing slipped again. I meant to only hold it over my head. But
i guess it serves the same purpose.

      Relieved, Nodoka said, "Now, Ukyou did leave her food here.  Can
someone take care if it?"

"Already taken care of," Genma said as he picked some of the okonomiyki from
his teeth.

      Falling onto her bed, she cried, the tears torrid pace unwilling
to slow down for some time.

A tragic first chapter for Ukyou, but methinks things will look up in some
manner for her. Prose was a bit stilted in places. The burakumin revelation
didnt' get drawn out too long. Worked okay for an into chapter, but I don't
know exactly where you are going with it yet, so only time will tell.

D.B. Sommer






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