My promised C&C of everything in Chapter 1 to date. As usual, haven't read 
anyone else's comments, so don't know if I've addressed something already 
dealt with.

(Later note)
I wrote that on last monday, so missed your email on tuesday about
finalization of the chapter.  I seem to be doing that alot with you. -_-

Oh well...it's mostly small gramatical changes.  Nothing too major.

In general, there were more of the weird spacing issues, and word
coverting fiancee to fiancie and such...


***As I said in my note, it *is* pending the final C&C I get on the story.  
And since so far all I have recieved in this last post run is commentary 
from you and M. Chase most of which is grammatical (13 chapters with nary a 
word save you two.) I guess it's finished. The lack of response tells me 
I've either annoyed everyone, or they think it's fine this revision.  I'm 
crossing my fingers and hoping it's the second.***


 > No animals came to the water to drink; no birds flew down to bathe, only
 > the wind played over the pools.

The semi seems out of place.  I'd probably just change it to a comma, or
switchit with with the one between 'bathe' and 'only'

***Damn word slipped that by me this time.  I've only told it no every time 
it's suggested the change,   must have been in too much of a hurry 
checking.***


 > Only the haughty, arrogant look of pride on his face marred the image of
 > nobility.

Funny.  I thought most nobles were haughty. ^_^

 > ...Or tried to.

As a continuation of a sentance, I believe 'Or' should be lowercase.

 > Honor demanded she produce an heir, whatever her desires.  Ranma
 > possibly offered a chance to satisfy both ... yet she could not commit
 > to a marriage that might not be suitable.

Seems an odd statement, that last bit.  What is the criterion for
'suitable', given that she's already addressed the female and the heir
aspects.

***Suitable in this case means if he's worthy of her.  This is one of those 
reasons why I've tried at various times to put all the information about her 
quest before this, yet everytime I have, I've had people complaining it's 
too much and disrupts the story.  Her two criterion are if he's a good 
enough fighter to beat her (which it's very carefully established that he 
might be, but never actually proven one way or the other) and that he loves 
her.  Later on, the scene where they're dealing with the Dragon's hair Ranma 
more or less proves to her that while she's a friend, Ranma doesn't veiw her 
romanticly, so therefore, it doesn't matter if he can beat her or not.  He's 
become her freind, and she values that friendship enough not to wish to 
spoil it with her bleak expectations of her quest's conclusion.***


 > She had at best a fifty-fifty chance without calling on her clan's
 > secret techniques, and it wasn't even certain then.

Hmm...replace 'it' with 'she' or the last phrase with 'and even then, the
odds wouldn't be too badly against him.

 > Ranma was at least a martial artist of near her caliber, or above.

Remove 'of'

 > Against opponent who never fight before, Ranma probably win quick."

You know, that could be construed as insulting. ^_^

***Yet literally true as well.  Ranma's style is very unpredictable.  
whether it's against someone who can't fight, or against someone expecting a 
traditional fighter, Ranma's likely to win on surprise value alone.  Witness 
his fight with Shampoo.***

 >  As it was, he'd managed to learn un-armed counters to almost all of her
 > sword techniques in a few hours.

No dash needed in 'un-armed'

 > about last night.  He'd been convinced at first that he had irreparably
 > damaged himself experimenting, but Zhu Shu had been the calm rock in the
 > storm he had needed.

*blinks*

I missed this the first time.  Expermenting? ^_^;;;


***Yes.  He just got turned into a girl.  Wouldn't you be curious?***


 > She was a warrior; proud of her strength, and for her, losing to Ranma
 > had been a shame beyond bearing, redeemable only with Ranma's death.

I would remove the semicolon.  The second half does not make a sentance,
after all.

---
#2

 > He'd even looked forward to meeting the Tendos- friends of Genma's that
they were going to stay with for awhile....

Why the dash?  I think a comma *might* work better, though am unsure if
that's correct or not.

***Humm.  Because previous C&C told me to?***


 > "Picking my fiancie for me,"

'Fiancie' -> fiancee

 > After losing Ranma  in China,

Extra space

 > She tried to turn to bite her,or get her claws into her, but try as she
 > might she couldn't reach .

Extra space between reach and period

 > She rubbed her eyes, glad her year of wondering had aquainted her with
 > at least a semblance of how to survive in a city, though Tokyo itself
 > had stunned her with it's sheer immensity.

Extra space between sheer and immensity
it's = its

 > At the Nurses office, a few small bolts from Lums fingertips cleared off
 > the small crowd of boys from before the door, and they entered the small
 > office.

At the nurse's office, a few small bolts from Lum's fingertips...

 > "I don't know about setting up a date for you,dear.

Space after comma.

 > "Why don't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Nabiki asked, ever
 > logical.
 >
 > Never logical, Akane could only say, "Because I'm afraid!!"

Heh. ^_^

 > "At least we finally found her.  When she dissappeared like that, I was
 > afraid Big Sis had flipped or something."

I think 'Big Sis' should be lowercase.

 > Yet for that brief instant, he had seemed ...  old and frail....

Might not need the ellipses in the middle.

 > And to top it off, he'd molested him in the pool!

Technically ambiguous (although we all know who was molesting whom).

And to top it off, the self-centered fool had molested him in the pool!

 > And to top it off, he'd molested him in the pool!  And to add insult to
 > injury, Kuno had gone and insulted his bravery, so he had had to beat
 > him into the ground!

Two consecutive sentances starting with 'And'.

 > "Well, you were drinking for most of a week before Urd and I saw the

transmittal beam.

Assuming that Urd = Skuld in this case.


***Yep... need to double chack and make sure I fixed that.  Problem is I 
have two versions, the main one I work on at work, and the one I send home 
to spell check before sending to the website.  I don't make that many 
spelling errors these days, but I keep finding ones I made in the original 
draft which seem to have escaped my spell checker repeatedly.***

 > Much bad Karma.  Only sought to stop from casting spell first night.

Hmm...is 'Karma' a proper noun?  I thought it was just a noun.

<snip>

The mall scene is much improved. ^_^

***Thank you.  I kept my fingers crossed that that would turn out well.***

 > She kept running through alternate timelines, amazed by the sheer number
 > of possibilities.

extranious space between 'of' and 'possibilities'

 > Zhu Shu stood at side wall of the shrine, the senshi before her dressed
 > in their physical education outfits in lieu of gi.

senshi = Senshi?  (Maybe?  Depends on if you're using it as a job
description, or a title).

 > He whispered, "lovely" just before her foot impacted with his face, and
 > he crashed to the ground once again.

I heard that youma say that in the Sailor Moon anime when they die. :p


***I would like to say that was deliberate, but I'd be lying. ; ) ***

 > From her vantage in a squirrel's nest, the Chibi Urd who was watching
 > Zhu Shu stared in amazement.

Stylistic preference: Would a dash between Chibi and Urd be better?

*** I don't know. I've seen it both ways.***

 > "Come on!  Fight back!" Akane yelled as Ranma dodged "How can I work out
 > my stress if you won't fight ?!"

Extra space after 'fight'.

 > "Blew it!" he cat called

Forgot to end with a period.


Hmm...I can sort of see why people were complaining about the UY scene.
It's somewhat long. ^_^


***Any suggestions?  I trim too much and it doesn't seem to flow well (at 
least to me.)***


I stopped correcting spacing, and the 'fiancie' spelling, since
you mentioned it was Word.  (arg. WHY use Word?)  Just be aware that they
exist.

***Because I have no choice at work?  I use wordpad at work, and I use word 
at home because it has the spell checker and I can transfer .doc files 
between them.  If anyone has a suggestion of a completely self contained WP 
with spellcheck that is small and doesn't require installation, just click 
and run, I'd be interested.***
---
#3 (blarg.  I noticed later that "chapter #4" is the same as this.  I
suppose you made corrections, too...oh well.  Take what works, discard
what is no longer relevant.)


***Actually, split chapter 2 into chapters 2 and 3 and added new chapter 6 
just because of your commentary on the need for better character 
development.***


 > Akane scooted over to lean against Ranma, not caring that they were both
 > female.  "So what was it you saw.?"

.? = ?

 > "She's all right."  She told a worried Ranma.  "She's just exhausted all
her ki.  She just needs sleep is all.  Poor dear."

How does she know that?  Probably better to just say 'She's exhausted'.

***Humm... okay.***


 > She'd been the epitome of traditional Chinese femininity.

Tiny feet?  That was considered attractive, centuries ago. ^_^

***You say Zhu Shu have big feet? She not have foot bound, no, but she still 
have small feet!***
***Author making chinese girl put her swords back away and insisting she 
shouldn't take it that way.  It was just a comment.***
(whew... it's really bad when they get into your head.)


 > "Miss Nabiki!  I just got this from an agent on the subways!  It was
 > taken less than two hours ago!  I got him to hold onto the negatives
 > until you told us what to do!"

Too many exclaimation points!  Having so many together at once mitigates
their effect!  Try to avoid doing that!  ^_^

***Agreed... again, that's the problem with re-reading it myself.  I'll skim 
over the parts I haven't changed.***

 > "I thought it might be safer.  Doctor Tofu gets so distracted when I'm
 > around."  Kasumi gave her a glowing smile.

She doesn't know that.  She just thinks he's a silly man.

***She acts like that's what she thinks.  Re-read the section where Zhu Shu 
and Kasumi are talking on the train.***

 > But think they tong.

Best to explain what a tong is in the author's notes for this chapter.  I
can see people wondering why barbequeue tongs are trying to kill her. ^_^

***Might have to explain it in chapter, as I don't have authors notes on the 
final webpages.***


---
#5

<snip Luna scene>

Massive ! use again...


***Yes.  I'm thinking I need to get a real live editor.***


 > "Humph!  Well anyone would look cute to you if they wore a skirt like
 > that!"

Better not have the pricipal dress up like that, then. :p

The rest...nice.  I liked the pacing, lots of emphasis on the fight scene
first, then not dragging it out later.  I can't say that about the scenes
in most fics.

^_^


***Thank you again.  You're also the only person who's said anything about 
it.***
---
Addendum

 > "Wonderful!"  the Oni flew down to give Zhu Shu a hug.

*ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAK* :p

 > Monday morning was a change of pace as it was Zhu Shu's first day of
 > school.  Her grandfather's permission had arrived on Sunday along with
 > paperwork detailing her "schooling".

Just occured to me.  Two days?  That's awfully fast, considering that
they're in seperate countries, and that the village is supposed to be out
of the way...


***I do say that the magistrate has a radio.  Might need to elaborate a 
little.  Sung Po does most of his administration from home, and only goes 
into the civilized areas when he has too.***



<R-A fight>

The dialouge is fine.  I'm still as skeptical to the "Listen to the Voice
of Reason, And It Will Be Okay" scene, though...

***humm.  will have to dig up your old commentary to remember which scene 
you're refering to here.


---
#6

 > Ranma gave her a wide eye look.  "How about commenting on wide hips?"

This struck me as hillarious, for some god unknown reason. ^_^

 > Zhu Shu gave Nabiki a sidelong glance.  "No, not think Nabiki like.
 > Nabiki not like girls like Zhu Shu like girls."

So...basically, what you're saying here is that this is Combat Fanservice.
That sounds REALLY weird, and is probably not what you meant. :p

***Actually, I do detail it a little better later.  The Dance of Veils is a 
combat form developed from a  strip tease.  (VEG)***



 > "Yes.  Shiva god of Dance, and Destruction."

Capital 'G'

 > Again, I beg you to come to Tokyo with all haste as the time of this
 > event is not entirely certain, but will occur, with Kami-Sama's
 > blessing, within the fortnight.

If the letter is in Chinese, then it would not say 'Kami-sama'

**Even if Urd wrote it?  Humm.  Will consider.***


 > "Yeah, he used to steal okonomiyaki from my dad's yata.  We used to
 > spar, and hang out together.  You say he's got a Fiancie?"

Lowercase f in Fiancee.

 > "So?  Is true.  It not stop Kuno, or half boys in school try date.  Zhu
 > Shu get forty stuffies this week!"

Stuffies?

***Humm.  You obviously don't collect Stuffed Animals.  I would have figured 
"stuffies" is the near universal slang for them, at least, it's the single 
most common term I've ever heard.***


 > But finally, on Sunday evening, as they were reading the weeks Sunday
 > digest, Akane decided she wanted to talk.

week's

 > "No.  Akane just not develop curves.  Concentrate on strength, not form.
 > Keep help with students, Akane get rounder."

I have no idea as to how she reaches this conclusion.

***Okay.  Akane has developed primarily strength, and as such is more 
"ripped"  i.e. her muscles are more defined, bulky, and she has less body 
fat.  (That by no means indicates she's a muscle woman, as Rumiko's art work 
shows, but compare a drawing of Akane to, say, Hinako in adult form.  Akane 
has the generic Rumiko figure where as Hinako is emphasized to have an 
increadible body.)   A dancer/gymnast/ballerina on the other hand 
concetrates more on extension, how far you can stretch a muscle.  This makes 
most dancers more curvy and less defined, though equally as strong.  Muscle 
bulk does not always equal strength.  Zhu Shu's training in part has been to 
please those she serves not only with her skills, but with her form as well, 
so some of her exercises are specifically designed to give her a better 
figure.  If Akane keeps helping her teach, and therefore doing the execises, 
she'll also develop a better figure.  Trust me, my sister in law is a 
gymnast... and she's my main source for info on that.***


---
#6 revision

 >   Nabiki was even in a very good mood for some reason.  Zhu Shu had
 > started to help with the dishes, only to have Kasumi shoo her out to the
 > garden to rest.

The garden, and not her room?

***Kasumi knows meditation is what Zhu Shu needs to rebuild her chi.***


 > Zhu Shu nodded no.  "Kasumi tell."

Shook her head.  Nodding means agreement.

***Actually, from what I know, which I may be incorrect on, is that head 
motions are reversed in oriental society.  A nod means no and a shake means 
yes.  If I'm wrong, someone please tell me.***


<snip Amazons>
I liked the letter better without the _ padding.

***Humm?  What padding?  The lightning bolt was written about a long time 
ago, this chapter sort of had to have it.***


 > Zhu Shu gave her a sidelong glance.  "If Zhu Shu teach exercise, Akane
 > get bigger."
 >
 > Akane laughed softly.  "You think he'll stop calling me sexless then?"

Ahhh...that made much more sense than the previous dialouge. ^_^

***might need to clarify a bit then***

---
#7

The comments I made last time I C&Ced this chapter, I still maintain.  The

Uber-rich Seemingly Made For Nabiki character is annoying, etc, etc...

And I SO want to make a joke about the "Push Button" line.  ^_^


***Good, that's how you're supposed to feel about Tao-Ching... he won't 
become "human" until later.***

 > Zhu Shu nodded.  "Thought shame let fine hair go waste."

You can spread it around gardens.  Supposedly, it keeps wild animals away
for a day or two.

---
#8

 > Give her a month, and Ucchan's would re-open for business, and Ranma
 > would meet his just rewards.

I would say 'just desserts', but I am probably biased since that is the
title of the second fic I ever wrote. ^_^

 > "We get."  Genma said, a determined look on his face.

"We'll get whatever you need."
Genma should be able to speak proper Japanese. ^_^

***Yes.  He can.  He sucks at english though, which is what this 
conversation is in.***



 > The thought of a razor down there made him cringe

Missing a period at the end.

My, you really ARE into this fanservice, aren't you. :p

***(VEG)***



 > "Don't cha think that's enough?" Ranma asked casually. "I mean, You've
 > already won right?"

Lowercase 'Y'

 > "You see, this next match is Rhythmic Gymnastic Wrestling!"

Wrestling?  Was it called that?

***According to Viz translation.  I copied almost word for word.***


 > Akane's eyes narrowed.  "What's in it for you."

Question mark at the end of the quoted statement.

 > "Now, My Ranma. Be brave."

My should be lowercase.

Least he doesn't have to spend the night on the roof this time.  ^_^

***Nope. Small changes ; ) ***


 > "Duty is as heavy as a mountain, Little Mouse, yet we must fulfill it
 > nonetheless. To do otherwise robs us of honor."

Another Jordanism.  Well, actually, I don't think he came up with the
'duty' quote, but he emphasized it enough. ^_^

I noticed that you didn't capitalize the 'H' in honor here, as you did in
the earlier chapters.  Pick one way, and stay consistant with it.  (I
personally like the lowercase better.  I don't think there needs to be the
emphasis you were placing on it.)


***sigh.  I have a CaPiTaLiZaTiOn problem.  My hands tend to capitalize 
without mental input.***


 > "Dummy!" Rei was furious. "How blind can you be!"
 >
 > "Well, I didn't know. No-one told me." Usagi whined as she rubbed her
 > head.

<snip>

Heh.  Nice scene.

 > "Zhu-chan? What is it like to make love to another girl?"  Akane asked
in a quiet tone, her eyes searching for Zhu Shu's

Missing a period at the end. Where does one massage a shoulder?  I'd
always assumed it was from behind, in which case, Akane's action of trying
to meet Zhu Shu's eyes will give her neck problems.

***Actually, she's craning her neck around... will correct.***


 > Zhu Shu sat there a long time, the warmth of Akane's body doing little
 > to fight the chill of old angers and regrets.

I never heard of anger or regret described as a 'chill' before.

***Poetic licence?  Actually, many of the old angers and regrets I have 
personally don't burn like they once did.  I just feel cold when I reflect 
on them.  Maybe it's just me.***


 > "Honor be damned" Akane whispered, tears in her eyes.

Should terminate quotation with punctuation.  Which one, I'm not sure
anymore.  I was always a fan of logical quoting, but most people are not.

 > It didn't matter anyway, so long as the Chinese girl was out of the way.^

Strange charcter at the end of this line.

 > "You're jealous of me?  Over Ranma?" She smiled. "Who would have
 > figured.

Question mark at the end of 'figured'.

<snip talk>

Heh.  I'll laugh if Nabiki ends up being the ultra-conservative character
in this fic. ^_^

***Heh.  Depends on your definition of ultra-conservative.***


 > "Huh."  The question caught him by surprise.  "Uh ...nothing much I
 > guess ... When we got to school Kuno's crazy sister attacked Akane and
 > tried to glue herself to me.  And Akane got mad when I tried to tell
 > Kodachi I had a fiance.  Then Kodachi challenged Akane ... that if she
 > lost the match next week, she had to give me up too ... and that idiot
 > Kuno encouraged her.  I can't believe she went along with it.  I dunno
 > ... maybe she wants to get rid of me ... I can't make heads or tails of
 > her ... one minute she's so ... um ... well ... she can be really nice
 > you know, then bam she's angry and I getting yelled at.  At least she
 > hasn't hit me for a while.  I can't figure her out.  And now at dinner,
 > she looked at me the whole meal and I couldn't tell if she was mad at
 > me, or what ...."

Hmm...remember what...I mentioned...earlier...about
mitigation...of...effect from overuse...of punctuation?  :p

***Hello, my name is LSMcGill, and I'm addicted to Ellipsis's"

***FFML: Hello LS!***


 > <<Why?>> a voice whispered back ... barely loud enough to hear.

Why the <<>> ?

***<<denotes mental speech>> as opposed to "spoken speech"  You will see 
more of it later on in book two as Zhu Shu talks to Ying Ying.***


(after reading on...)
Instead of the brackets, you might rephrase the line instead.

"Why?" whispered a voice in his head, as if it were his own thought.

Or something like that.

***May do that for this scene, since it's more obvious in book two what the 
<<>> means.***


 > She wanted her sister to succeed in her present task, and was worried
 > that Kami-Sama had given what was proving such a difficult case to Urd.
 > She had been instructed she was allowed to aid Urd if asked, and hoped
 > Kami-Sama wouldn't viewthis as overstepping her bounds....

Lowercase s on '-Sama', since it's not a name.
I would also recommend replacing 'instructed' with 'informed', or 'She had
been given permission to aid Urd if she were asked, and...'

 > "You are here to learn the Dance of Shiva, and in doing, you will learn
 > the art of the ribbon.

It would be cool if Akane were to actually fight this match for once. ^_^

***It's rather obvious here that this is your first time to this point. ; p 
***


 > "Because ... because I did not have a choice. Shan Pu gave Ranma the
 > Kiss of Death when he defeated her.  By Amazon law she would have hunted
 > Ranma down and killed him, believing him female, but I told the Amazons

<snip>

It's hard to believe she's still concentrating, so how is she speaking
with improved grammar here?  (In fact, exactly how does one concentrate to
improve one's grammar?  I know plenty of people who could use the trick.
^_^)

***Zhu Shu actually has been hearing the proper terms used, and with 
concentration and rehearsal could have the speech memorized.  It's speaking 
on the fly where she doesn't have it down pat enough to get it right without 
thinking hard about it.***

 > "Will ... will I like her."

Question mark.

 > "Oh.  It's you.  You ok?  It sounded like you were pushing pretty hard
 > in there earlier."

"And those moans and screams!  Sounded like it was pure torture.  Look,
even your back is marked up." ^_^

***Now now, I gave no hints of any S&M.***

 > "I think, in many ways, I'm finer than I ever have been before
 > Ran-chan."

Ran-chan?  She's going to start cooking oknomiyaki now? ^_^
Use of the word 'finer' seems somewhat incongruous.  Perhaps 'I think I'm
better off than I...'

***As a term of affection, it's fairly obvious.  And Akane has no reason to 
dislike the nickname yet.***

 > Ranma tilted his head at her.  "Zhu Shu, what happened to your accent?"

Oh, so THAT's why she speaks better now.  (Actually, I've always hated the
Viz-ation of Shampoo's accent into babble, so this comes as a relief ^_^)

***Humm.  Your going to be a little dissapointed with book two then, as she 
regresses to the accent.  Spells can be tricky.***

---
#9

 > No, he corrected himself, she went way past cute ... gorgeous wasn't
 > even close ... she was, quite simply...
 >
 > Beautiful...
 >
 > As they entered the main hallway of St. Hebereki's School for Girls, he
 > had to tear his eyes away from the sway of her hips ... the lithe way
 > she ....

Too...many...dots...We...are...obviously...in...slow...motion. ^_^

***Yep.  Seems I need to attend another Ellipsis Anonamous meeting.***


 > Kodachi laughed in a stilted manner and gazed over Akane's shoulder to
 > Zhu Shu and a currently female, due to a small accident with a little
 > old lady with a water scoop, Ranma.

I'd say '...and a currently female Ranma, due to a small...'

 > "I mean, you've been glowing for days.  Isn't it tiring?"

By any chance, have you ever seen Mallrats? ^_^

***Why yes, I have.  How did you know?***


 > Akane's hands opened and closed in fury as she started to say something
 > several times, then finally just screamed "MEN!" and stormed into her
 > dressing room, leaving a speechless Ranma behind looking at Zhu Shu's
 > tapping foot.  Down the hallway on either side, small crowds of girls
 > looked on excitedly.

"But...that was a girl!  Akane's snapped hasn't she?"
"Must have been all those morning fights.  I never thought Akane would
turn to lesbianism while denying it by calling her partner a guy, though."

***Different school.  One reason I decided to revise this section was so 
that female Ranma wasn't at the fight.  Akane will have to deal with all of 
that sooner or later, but since Ranma's curse is still technically unknown, 
she's avoided it so far.  She's not going to be able to when she's engaged 
to Shan Pu too.***


 > "But I don't want Kodachi.  I- I wanted Akane."

Why the past tense?

***He's angry, and right now not sure.***


 > Ranma put his head between his hands.  "That doesn't mean that it
 > doesn't hurt!"

Getting slammed into a wall usually causes that.

 > "But you heard her!  The only reason she's with me is because of this
 > stupid fiancee thing our dads arranged!"

Yay.  It's spelled right.  :p

 > "Then why are you crying?  She's handed you the keys to her heart, given
 > you her soul for safe keeping.

"I'm crying because she hurt me, Zhu Shu.  She hurt me."
"You fool!  It's just your overwhelming pride that's hurt not..."
"No, I meant that when she slammed me into the wall, I slipped a disc."
"Oh."

***hehehe.***


 > She was verry pretty, the tattos on her cheeks and forehead seeming to
 > She was dressed like a college student, and a book bag with the words
 > Nekomi Tech hung from her shoulder.

Looks like you started another sentance without finishing the first.

***I noticed that on the re-read myself.  I know I typed it, but for some 
reason it vanished.  I fixed it in the main draft.

It should read "the tattoos on her forehead and cheeks seeming to enhance 
her beauty rather than detracting from it.***


 > Now, I am not really sure what she is going to do."

I will be amused if she seduces Kodachi on stage, but I somehow don't
think that will happen. ^_^

<reads the next few paragraphs>

...or maybe it will.

***Never never assume... ; p ***


 > "So! Now you would toy with my Heart!

Why capital H?

***The auto cap hand strikes again?***

 > "My God!" yelled the Announcer. "It looks like she's using twenty clubs!

<snip>

 > "And the truth is revealed!" The Announcer called, still clutching her
 > mike amid the wreckage Kodachi had made of her table. "She was using
 > twenty clubs!"

Hm...the way you wrote the earlier description, it doesn't convey the joke
as well as it could.  How about "My God!" yelled the announcer.  "She's
attacking so furiously that it looks like Kodachi's two clubs are
twenty!"?


***Humm... will work on that.  I does work better visually.***


 > Her eyes hardened. "This is only the beginning!" she cried as she pulled
 > her ribbons from somewhere.

With her clothes in tatters, I have to wonder where that 'somewhere' is.

***Same place Zhu Shu gets her swords and Akane pulls her hammer from.***

 > Akane stood there like a hyper-eager airline hostess.

"Would you like the beef, the fish, or me?  And what would you like to
drink?"

***Exactly the image I was going for.***


I remember someone telling me about an 'airplane/anime' fusion years ago,
but I lost track of the progress.


 > "So ya see, I don't know what to think!" Ranma said as he finished the
 > last of his ice cream and sighed.

You know, Godesses seem to get this alot in AMS fanfics.  I have to wonder
if they eventually become depressed like psychiatrists do. ^_^

 > Ranma looked at her curiously.  "Really?  I mean I've seen stuff like
 > that on tv and stuff, but real life ain't like that."

"I mean, you're making my life sound like a manga, here.  Be serious."

 > "An aphrodesiac?  Well, that explains that."

...
Ginseng is NOT an aphrodesiac. ^_^;;;

***No, the gensing is a base to give the person affected by the aphrodesiac 
the energy to carry out the rest of the neccessary actions.  It's a nuptual 
potion, intended to be given to a couple on their wedding night.  It just 
happens that it's all Zhu Shu has.  She was hoping to give it to them as a 
gift.***


 > "Once he's had a cnach to think, I'll talk to him.

chance

 > Okay, so he didn't know much about any of that stuff, and the thought of
 > trying any of the things Hiroshi and Daisuke suggested scared him silly
 > because it sounded so ridiculous, and he was positive if he tried any of
 > it, Akane would pound him into the ground, but he wanted to get it
 > right...

Earlier...

*BOWCHICKABOWCHIKACHIKA..*
"I dunno...I don't think just playing music will help.  And why music from
the 70s?"
"Don't sweat it, Ranma.  Just put this on as background music, and it'll
all work out."

***About right.***

 > Zhu Shu started to say something, then shook her head in agreement.
 > Ranma sighed

Period.

 > It wasn't until that day she had listened in on the conversation in the
 > gargen

gargen = garden

 > I guess in a way, this is to apologize.

Ah, so THAT is how one apolgizes to women.  I've been doing it all wrong.
I shall have to try your way sometime.

***It's worked several times for me, but not always.  Do at your own 
risk.***


 > but now that you mentioned it; well, what does one do to oysters?"

"Um...put sand in them to make pearls?  Dump into polluted bays as a
filtration mechanism?"
"Idiot!"

***Will think about adding that.***



 > And ... well ... until you find a cure, you are going to be my _sister_
 > half the time."

That means Kasumi's going to also have to teach Ranma? ^_^

***Yep.  Though Akane may preempt him for some "extra practice"***


 > "And ... I wanted to ask you ... to ... marry me.
<snip>

Ooohhh...nice.  You're going to make them work for it.  That was probably
my last potential major reservation about the fic, since so many of the
'Multiple marriage' fics end up being little more than the characters
taking the easy way out of a love triangle.


***It's worse than that.  Zhu Shu is not ever going to be part of the 
triangle.  It's Ranma, Shan Pu, and Akane.  Zhu Shu has a different triangle 
waiting.***

***But it's still not that easy.  Akane and Ranma may be more comfortable 
with each other, but they still have problems, and those will come up sooner 
or later, and Shan Pu has her own problems to bring to the mix.  Ranma and 
Akane might be stronger going into all those problems, but they're still 
there.***


---
#10

 > Shan Pu hung her head. "I had not. I am ashamed of the hurt I caused"

Period at end of quoted sentance.

 > The smile on her face would have frosted glass.

That would be cool.  Set up a bar, have Herb chill the glasses.  Lime and
Mint could be bouncers... ^_^

 > "But dad said gramps thinks the Chinese are barbarians, and he still
 > calls Tokyo 'Edo'.

Ha!

 > No matter how manly it is too sow your wild oats, one should not do so
 > with the intended bride.

too = to

 > "If they do, I have a formal Kimono for you." Nodoka smiled.

Lowercase k

 > And I fully intended on making you carry it out too.

Comma after 'out'

<snip>

Really weird characters showing up all over the place in the Shampoo/Zhu
Shu scene.

 > Everyone ransacked the house, but no trace of her could be found until
 > Kasumi called from the family's Shrine.

Lowercase s

---

I'll try to be more prompt with book 2 C&C.

...Really! ^_^

-Natsume Ranma Ranma


***Once again, thanks for the C&C. Look forward to the rest.***

LSMcGill



*******************************************
The most preposterous motion that H. sapiens has ever dreamed up it that the 
Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the 
saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by prayers, and becomes 
petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, 
without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the 
oldest, largest and least productive industry in all history.
-- Lazarus Long --


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