Andrea Hill <email_andreas_art@yahoo.com> wrote:
Sarawareta
By Andrea Hill
A Ranma � & Inu-Yasha Crossover
Generally, it's a good idea to put the title of your fic in the subject
header, after all of the bracketed tags, to help people locate your fic
at a glance.
Also, I'd recommend avoiding non-ASCII characters like the
single-character one-half above. These are not standard across
platforms, and someone on a Mac (for example) would likely see a
completely different character there.
The title is the Japanese word for "Kidnapped". If I think of
something more appropriate to the story, I'll re-name, but
otherwise it's fine as it stands.
My preference would be to use the English word instead of the Japanese,
unless the latter implies some particular connotation, symbolism, or
reference that the former doesn't. But that's just me.
SPOILER ALERT: This fanfiction is based in the year 1997. It
assumes that all characters in Ranma � are about 3 years older
than they left at the end of the series. Ranma and Akane are about
20, Nabiki's 21, Kasumi's 23, etc. Kagome is about 15, and who
knows how old Inu-Yasha is? This author assumes that you've
read and know about the first twelve graphic novels of Inu-Yasha,
and everything in Ranma beginning to end.
I would suggest limiting pre-notes to credit where it is due and
information that someone might need while deciding whether or not to
read your story. The backstory familiarity you're going to assume
definitely qualifies, but stuff like how old the primary characters are
I'd suggest you work into the context of the story instead.
Please send your comments and criticisms to:
email_andreas_art@yahoo.com
Just as a nagging reminder ^_^, the best way to get a lot of feedback is
to give a lot of it.
Chapter One
It was nearing nightfall, the ember-like crimson eye of the sun
glowering through wisps of cloud as it settled heavily into the
western horizon. It bathed the forest in an angry miasma of blood-
red glare and deep shadows. The day had been hot, and Inu-Yasha
was glad to see the brighter stars showing their faces. Kagome
would be arriving any minute now, and he was anxious to see her.
Nice scenic description here, even if it does seem a little gratuitous
for this story.
"Just leave me alone for a week, ok?" Her parting words to him
seven days ago came to the fore of his mind. "I have some end-of-
term exams to take, and then I want to visit my cousins. One of
them is sick, and we haven't seen each other in over a year. After
that I can stay for a whole month, ok?"
IMO, "ok" should be either "OK" or "okay".
The earth swallowed the sun, and the sky became a deep sapphire
studded with diamond stars. The Red Bird of the South, the only
constellation Inu-Yasha could really point out, arced it's way
its
"Is Kagome back yet?" He yipped cheerfully.
yet?" he
(Assuming that he yipped the line of dialog, as opposed to the yipping
being a separate action, the attribution is part of the same sentence as
the dialog and should be punctuated accordingly.)
After landing on Kagome's side of the well, he took a moment to
adjust and look around. He could not see her in the shrine, nor
hear her familiar tread heading toward him. He leapt out of the
well and stalked out of the shrine. Half-way across the Higurashi's
Halfway
Higurashis'
(there's more than one Higurashi)
Mrs. Higurashi made weak fists of his coat. "Oh, Inu-Yasha-kun!
Did you mean *on* his coat?
INU-YASHA: What are you doing? Give me that back!
MRS. H.: But it's so very handy to hit people with!
"It's true." Kagome's grandfather nodded. He looked as if he had
aged a decade in the few weeks since Inu-Yasha had last neen
seen
(typo)
him. The wrinkles in his face were deeper, the bags under his eyes
darker, his color pallid. "We got a call from my nephew yesterday.
Kagome and her cousin Kasumi have disappeared. Soun and his
son-in-law scoured the neighborhood, asked everyone they knew,
but no-one has seen or heard from either girl in over thirty hours."
no one
Sota bit on his lower lip, obviously trying not to cry. "Will you
really find her?" He asked in a trembling voice.
he asked
Inu-Yasha looked at the small boy who found him "cool". He
looked like his sister.
INU-YASHA: Except that, strangely, his sister looks a whole lot better
in a short skirt.
(You may want to say in what way he looked like her, or what particular
feature of his reminds IY of her.)
Rather taken aback by the man's grief, the half demon glanced
around the main room for a clue as to what to do. Two human
girls were hurrying toward him, one with short brown hair and the
other with short black hair. They each knelt beside the man and
made comforting noises.
Suggest describing some different features of the Tendo women. (Maybe
it's just me, but it seems like hair is used in fanfics to identify
characters about ten times as much as any other feature.)
"Have you called the� police?"
The ellipses there is another non-standard character. Use three regular
periods.
Ranma nodded grimly. "They can't do anything. They're idiots.
They told us that if they haven't been found in the last twenty-four
hours the odds of us finding them at all are next to none." He
punched a fist into his hand. "But we won't give up until they're
back home."
POLICE: If she hasn't been gone at least forty-eight hours, then we
can't take a report, because she isn't officially missing.
RANMA: What if she has?
POLICE: Then we can't take a report, because she's obviously so long
gone by now that there'd be no chance of us finding her anyway.
Akane had moved herself to stand before her sister and father, and
Ranma had also shifted his weight into a battle-ready stance.
"What the hell?" The older boy asked incredulously.
hell?" the
"And Kasumi." Nabiki told him.
Kasumi," Nabiki
"SesshoMaru!" He whispered.
Ranma and Akane heard him. "Who's that?" They asked
that?" they
After an instant Ranma grabbed Akane's hand and leapt over the
instant, Ranma
(Without the comma, it makes me think someone's having an "instant
Ranma." Which I suppose is prepared by just adding water. :))
wall after the half-demon. "Wait! What's going on?! Who's this
SesshoMaru?"
AKANE: Hey! Come back with my hand!
Ranma grabbed the younger boy by his juban and hauled him up to
eye-level. "WHO IS SESSHOMARU?!" He roared.
SESSHOMARU?!" he
Gold eyes met stormy blue, and after a long moment, Inu-Yasha
lifted his chin. "You don't happen to be carrying any Shikon
shards, do you?"
Ranma looked genuinely confused. "Shikon? Er, no, I've just got
my one, original, soul. What do you mean?"
This gag would work better if you referred to it as the Jewel of Four
Souls, IMO. Not everybody knows or is going to remember what "shikon"
means quickly enough to get it.
"�So just recently he's begun to show a weird interest in Kagome.
It's even creepier than Kouga's interest, because my jerk brother's
hated humans for so long." They were all gathered around the low
table in the living room, Soun on one end, Ranma and Akane
sitting together, Nabiki opposite her father, and Inu-Yasha facing
the married couple.
"What about that little girl, Rin?" Nabiki was showing herself to
have a keen mind.
POV isn't clear here. Who is it that thinks Nabsy has a keen mind? Also,
the mention of the girl seems a little forced. Inu-Yasha just happened
to mention her during his explanation? Why, if not to already bring up
the points that Nabs is brining up now?
There was a long silence while everyone absorbed this. Ranma's
gaze rested on the sword at Inu-Yasha's hip. "Things are different,
now." Ranma said. "Demons just don't run around the place
now," Ranma
Nabiki leaned forward, her white face anxious. "A map. Hold on,
let me get a map!" She leapt up from her place at the table and ran
up stairs. A moment later she dashed down again cradling what
upstairs.
looked to Inu-Yasha like a flat gray box. She lay in gently on the
Suggest: cradling a flat gray box.
(I think he can reliably tell by looking at it whether it's a flat gray
box or not.)
Also:
lay it gently
(typo)
Nabiki took over again. "Well this is mostly farming country.
There are a few valleys, here, and here" she pointed to the areas
"that are chock-full of mansions and restored palaces for the mega-
here," she said, pointing to the areas, "that
(I don't think you can break dialog in the middle of a sentence unless
you have a "said" verb or equivalent.)
Overall: Interesting story, and you did a pretty good job about getting
us into it without wasting time. Characterizations were generally good,
though I found Ranma to be a bit too annoyingly logical and rational and
Soun to be just annoying. If you can't find something more interesting
to do with him, you might just want to have him be off-camera (so to
speak) for whatever reason.
On the matter of descriptions, you've shown us some very nice ones, but
try to save them for imagery that's important for telling your story.
Things like beautiful poetic descriptions of the sunset can actually
detract from your story, because they're not what your story is about,
and particularly with something as overused as a sunset, it makes it
seem like you're showing off as an author. Descriptive imagery is a
great way to enhance your story, but use it where it fits.
Looking forward to seeing where this goes. Hope some of this feedback
was helpful.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
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